Fixed and Consequent

[Desdenova]

Journal Entry 44, Eighteen Four

It was before Easter, but I was just reminded of it. Cianan wants so much to be something more to Cam than the pain in the ass he?s always been, but he?s not willing to really to do anything about the way he acts towards her.

It?s kind of sad, really, because he never believed Cam all the times she told him to back off and settle down, and just got worse. I don?t think anything is going to allow her to see him as more than another drowgraine.

Cianan went and got a ring from Fae. She calls them family rings. She?d given one to Cam before. He decided that having that ring meant he finally got to be more to Cam. A brother. All of the benefits without any of the understanding.

The trouble is no ring gives you that. No one else in Faes circle of ?family? would dare the familiarity, even with each other, and most of them are utter wack cases. That?s earned. Not given.

But Cianan doesn?t want to earn it, or, he wants to earn it by having his bad behavior accepted unconditionally. That?s just not going to happen. He tries to go on and on about it?s the other way around, if you have that ring, you have to be a sibling... But you can give the ring back. That means it must be earned.

I feel sorry for him. I know he really wants to be a brother to Cam. I sometimes suspect that?s the only reason he asked for that ring from Fae. I tried to explain to him that want won?t do it. Nor will cheating or trying to go around it. Fae may give those rings for the asking, but that?s her. She can?t speak for everyone.

It just strikes me as strange that Cianan, being a drow, doesn?t understand that things like relationships have to be worked on and earned.

I tried once to explain. He thought I was mocking him. It seemed incredible to him when I told him that the things he?d done had made Cam more angry. He thought it had endeared him. But you don?t endear yourself by inviting yourself along, by assuming, by constantly hacking at and insulting someones? religion.

He just wouldn?t listen. Without listening, he?s doomed to doing the same stupid things over and over again, which he has been doing. Which is really strange, because when Cam isn?t there, he?s been a lot more decent lately. But the moment he sees her, he?s right back doing the things that make her want him to drop off the face of the earth.

I know Fae had told him before that just because someone had a ring didn?t mean he automatically got all the priveledges of being a brother. Some of them will, certainly, but not all. But he just doesn?t listen when Cam is involved. It?s sad to think that she would give Fae back that ring to get him off of her back.

I would help, but Cianan has a lot of proving left to do. He may not like it, or think that it?s fair, but that?s just the way it is. He spent a long time upsetting Cam, and he still is. Maybe he?s jealous. Maybe he doesn?t think I did much to gain what I gained. Or thinks he should have been the one to do it.

I know he was there the night Cam was very upset about Sam. But when she walked away, he didn?t follow. I did. It?s not like I understand human nature better, being a human, it was just that it seemed like what should be done. What needed to be done.

The trouble is now, with as much bad blood as Cianan has racked up with Cam, even if he kept doing selfless and caring things for her, she?d never see it as anything more than him trying to kiss up.

The sad thing is that he doesn?t realize that it is bad blood and that somehow, she?s just in denial over how much she must really like him. He doesn?t realize that if he doesn?t express his respect and care for her by treating those things as important to him, too, then... he may as well not bother.

Actually, he may as well not bother at this point. She?d probably get to at least like him if he?d just settle down and stop trying to force himself on her. But I can?t foresee much more than that.

[Desdenova]

Journal Entry 45, Eighteen Four

IT WASN?T SUBMARINE RACES. IT WASN?T SUBMARINES AT ALL.

[Desdenova]

Journal Entry 46, Eighteen Four


Matilde had been seeing a man for a long while, Mitchell, and well, apparantly he decided that he didn?t want to be wasting his time on a divorcee with kids. Or he didn?t want to be associating with an evil witch. Or she was too focussed on her carreer.

Or, as it turned out, because he found a rich young lady who needed marrying. Matilde was devistated. Just because she?s an evil witch doesn?t mean she doesn?t have a heart. And it?s so hard to see the people you respect cry.

It really shocked me. Mitchell had really had seemed like a nice guy. Katerine and Morgan, Matildes daughters, liked him. Then again, after the self righteous prig their father turned out to be, anyone probably looked good.

So I followed Mitchell a few days until I found out what it really was. Then I went and chatted with the young lady. She?s really nice, niave. Her parents passed away a long while ago, and her guardians weren?t all that curious about who she was seeing. Their reasoning was that she was butt ugly, she should be glad of anyone that looked her way, even if it was for the money.

Well, I told her all about this idiots motives and that she shouldn?t trust him for a moment. I didn?t expect her to believe me, but as it turned out, she was thinking the same way as her guardians. She?s ugly, she should be glad to have even a cheating bastard like him.

So I enlisted Fern, and we had Beauty out of the Beast in no time. Mona didn?t want to change herself, she preferred being nice and intelligent to a lot of spell work to make her pretty, and I can respect that. So it was just a few trips to the beauty parlor, a little orthidontry, and some clothes.

We introduced her to Barnabus from personnel, and they hit it right off. Mona bounced Mitchell like the ten tons of rotting squid he is. So that creep came crawling back to Matilde, but this time, she was able to dump his sorry ass.

I know it had to be hard, anyhow. I mean, Matilde had really believed they had a good, solid relationship. We all did. It wasn?t like they were having this breathless romance and constantly cooing and billing, as it were, but they seemed like a nice, happy, couple.

Anyhow, after that, one of the kids told Feathyre that Disneyland was real, not just an elaborate set that the Disney Channel used, and she was wild to go. The trouble was, she?d go as she was, and fly in; and at Disneyland, I think they?d wig more over her not paying admission than for being a hippogriff.

So, I told her I?d take her, but I don?t have a ride in or out. Matilde was really down, so I asked if she and the girls would like to come, too, and I?d bring Alice. Matilde was kind of bleah about it, she was kind of bleah about everything, but said she would.

So, I changed Feathyre into an eight year old like Morgan and Alice, and we piled into Matildes goobermobile and headed in. Katerine and I kind of followed the girls around to let Matilde wander around and be herself a while. Without being Mom slash wicked witch.

Or, as Katerine said ?so Mom can check out the dudes butts?. She?s thirteen going on thirty, I swear, but she?s more into being a skate punk than trying out any wow power. I decided I?d try to get Dad to chain Alice in the basement if she ever did, but I know Jackie would just beat us both for being pigs.

It?s annoying that all the cooler rides I can?t go on, but I just waited for the girls and took pictures. They had a lot of fun. They all bought costumes, and by noon were running around as princesses. Alice was Snow White, Feathyre was Belle, and Morgan was Ariel. They terrorized all the characters wandering around. When will people learn that cute is really tiny evil?

So I got them Malificent, Wicked Queen, and Ursula costumes to go with them. And after the Pirates of the Carribean, Katerine insisted on getting them all, herself included (I guess she wasn?t too old for pirates), pirate costumes. By the end of the day, they were all kind of wearing a bit of each costume. They racked up the junk that day.

Matilde had fun, too. She wasn?t green, of course, and she was wearing a nice gray suit-dress, but we always knew where she was. We just would go the opposite direction that the princess went screaming off in. Even though they?re just character actors, it seemed to do her a lot of good, terrorizing them.

It was a lot of fun, but I think I?ll wait until they either change the actors or they?ve had some counseling before I take them back again.

[Desdenova]

[Interlude: Siblings]


The first time Desdenova had dragged Camilla to his home to put her to bed, he had done so by throwing her over his shoulder and marching her firmly past the graveyard, up the porch and up stairs to flop her into his own bed. He let her have his room and slept in the den. He rose early to use the only restored and marginally modernized bathroom in the house, cleaned it for her afterwards, and went to make breakfast.

Months later, Camilla marched her own happy ass past the graveyard, carrying her suitcases firmly. She unlocked the front door and thumped the cases down in the foyer as she marched in, yelling 'I'm back!'.

"You're back, why are you back or do I want to know?" Desdenova called back from probably the study. Camilla grunted, not feeling up to a brisk game of hide'n'go seek. She simply employed her superior vocal talents. And yelled as she stalked into the kitchen. The brat better have coffee on.

"I'm back until I find an apartment I don't hate! Did you get the upstairs bathroom done?!"

Desdenova exhaled, shaking his head slightly as he carefully scribed lines for an astrological chart. That would be code for 'I'm a single woman again, and I'm still too mad to get my things'.

"The toilet flushes, the bathtub has hot water, but the sink doesn't. And don't try to use the radiator."

"Why not?" Coffee. The songbird was appeased. She poured a cup and went looking for the youth.

"It makes this awful groaning sound," Desdenova explained, glancing up as sister found him working. He smiled, warm, simply glad to see her and have her there. Not sorry, not sympathetic. Just glad to see her.

Camilla smiled back. Perfect.

"Des, hon, radiator's make awful groaning sounds before they get the steam into them, and then they hiss a lot. It's one of those... water hammer things."

"Oh... Oh! Then I just need to bleed the air out of it!"

More perfect. Hot bath, hot steamy bathroom. All to herself. The brat could use the one downstairs. Or outside. And she wouldn't have to listen to his whining about her lingerie hung to dry or her makeup or wet towels on the floor.

"The second bedroom's done, if you want to use it," he added, squeezing his eyes shut pleasantly when she wandered by to see what he was working on and to ruffle his hair. She leaned over to print a red kiss to his temple in lipstick.

"And squelch all the rumors of our clandestine affair? Perish the thought. But you can put my stuff in there. I should just keep half of my crap here, I swear," Camilla noted dryly. The charts he drew were pretty, she supposed, but they didn't make a lick of sense to her. People paid good money for them, she knew that.

"You can. There's room. I fixed the other wardrobe," Desdenova assured her. She smiled again, and hugged his shoulders. When she went and thumped heavily to the big velvet covered chaise, he got up, wiping ink from his fingers before he joined her, leaning into her comfortably. Simply there, blessedly quiet.

Camilla knew him. He'd let her talk a while, he'd listen. He'd wait till she finished her coffee and if she was agitated or muttering about not being tired yet, he'd patiently give her a little longer before giving her a choice of sleeping pill or a sneaky shot in the shoulder. The sleeping pill route meant she'd at least get a chance to get into her pyjamas. Otherwise, he'd just dump her into bed fully clothed, except for her shoes.

This time, she went under her own power, flicking at his cheek and telling him to get ready for bed, it was late. Camilla chortled at his surprise, but she couldn't let the boy get complacent. Anyhow, he was too damn adorible padding around in his Batman jammies, and he had to wear them when she stayed over at least once.

Desdenova simply crawled into bed after taking Camillas' suitcases to the second bedroom, making sure to bump around on the feather bed enough to disturb her, peacefully curling right up with his sister even as she wacked him a few times with a pillow. Bea nestled up against his head, and it never took the youth any longer than the dog to fall asleep.

Usually, Desdenova and Bea were up before Camilla; bathed, dressed and making breakfast before she even considered opening her eyes. But it was Saturday. Camilla shut off the alarm and let them sleep when she realized she'd woken before it went off. Camilla stumbled to the bathroom, and to hell with the groaning radiator, she opened the valve and sang at it, as if that would make the thumping and moaning do so on key.

Blessedly hot bath water. Camilla ran water into the tub, chasing it gleefully with a quantity of Desdenovas' stash of Mr. Bubble. Snickering when she could hear his confusion of all the racket that had woken him instead of the alarm. Bea ratted her out, the little Maltese wiggled in through the slightly ajar door and yapped brightly.

"Oh, no, you bathe with Des, this is my bath," Camilla informed the dog as she sank into the bubbled bliss. And she waited, listening, until she heard Desdenova thump all the way downstairs before she raised her voice once more.

"Dessssss... I forgot my bathrobe, could you toss it in?!"

The aggravated sound Desdenova made was hysterical, and Camilla sank further into the bubbles, snickering. On a good morning, she could get him to go up and down the stairs four or five times, bringing her what she 'forgot'.

Camillas robe flew from the door to wrap around the radiator.

"Thanks, doll," she cooed, stifling another snicker. Desdenovas' grumblings were incoherant, but hilarious anyhow. Camilla sat up a bit once more, listening. His footsteps made it to the landing, down one step... But then he turned and marched back to the bedroom.

Damn. He wasn't groggy enough for more than one trip. Camilla strained her hearing, listening as he picked through her suitcases. It sounded haphazard, but she knew he was putting everything neatly into a specific place.

"Make up kit," Desdenova announced before leaning in to set that on the sink. A few moments later he was back with an extra towel, and snagged the bathmat from its rack to toss on the floor beside the tub.

"Brat," Camilla sniffed, amused, anyhow.

"You're just still mad because I made the eggs scream," he retorted, returning to rootling through her suitcases.

"I've got everything, Des, you are free to go see if I left any hot water," Camilla called sweetly. She knew he wouldn't believe her, and in the process, he'd unpack for her. It worked out perfectly. Brother annoyance and her clothing hung up nicely.

"Aw, no you don't, you forgot your bath toys," Desdenova crooned nastily, marching into the bathroom to display a pair of rubber duckies.

Camilla gaped at the youth. Not because he had walked into the bathroom, he always stood so she could see whatever he was holding out, but he couldn't see her. But because in her anger of the night before, she had packed Them.

"...What are these, devil ducky and bondage ducky?" he asked doubtfully, looking one to the other. A moment later, he squeezed them. Neither squeaked, but they both started to buzz. Camilla scrunched her eyes shut, thumping her head back against the porcelian.

"...Howcome they buzz?" Desdenova inquired, baffled.

"They're back massagers, and they're cute, so just put Bogart and Sinatra down and leave them alone," Camilla informed him, marvelling at her unconcerned tone. She should take up acting.

"Which is... never mind."

Camilla exhaled, relieved when he simply set the two rubber duckies down on the bath mat and retreated. She reached down and quickly turned them off, which distracted her from listening to where Desdenova had gotten to. She froze, however, as she heard not his foot steps, but him pitching his voice high to make dolphin sounds.

And they came closer... Closer...

Until he thrust out a slender, stylized, smiling blue silicone dolphin. Camilla stared, speechless. Desdenova eek-eckkk-eckked remarkably realistically and made the toy dance and dive through the air.

"Flipper wants to take a bath with you too!" Desdenova finally chortled.

Camilla winced, pinching the bridge of her nose between her forefinger and thumb, praying, but it only got worse when a somewhat freeform lipstick red length of silicon joined Desdenovas' impromptu puppet show.

"Oh, no, it's the Red Baron!" the youth gasped, and made the dolphin poke at the red freeform toy, "Flipper doesn't want to share the bath with you, Mr. Red Baron!"

"Des --" Camilla noted flatly. She had to look. It was a train wreck. In the bathroom. She was just glad she couldn't see Desdenovas' face.

"You can't tell me what to do, Flipper, I ge... Hey. These buzz, too," Desdenova remarked, his voice going from comic to perplexed when his Punch and Judy parrying caused one of the large bases to rotate enough to power the internal mechanism.

"Desdenova, those are my dildos, put them down!" Camilla finally barked, aggravated. She heard a soft gulping sound before the youth collapsed into a dead faint on the bathroom floor. Still buzzing, the red one rolled from his nerveless hand.

"Great," Camilla muttered, leaning over to eye Desdenova. He lay in a lanky heap, but his head had landed on the bath mat. She sighed, picking up Bondage Ducky, shaking her head as she regarded it in dismay.

"And I forgot my loofah."

[Desdenova]

Journal Entry 47, Eighteen Four


The CEO of the Four Winds toured the facility, and wow. Talk about someone with presence. I guess you?d have to have that kind of quiet charisma to make a multi national, multi species, multi world and dimensional coorperation work like he has.

I was kind of worried, too, because he specifically wanted to see what ?Matildes brats? were doing. I guess because Matilde actually was developing things that their ?top technomage? or whatever she is, is using in her work. They?d already taken one of my wards for her, I know. We?re given odd little code words and such, and it?s all very hush hush.

When I was little, Senior and Junior both worked on my case. They had to know I?m not really Jones simply from the data collected from me in the study at the beginning of the year. I don?t remember them, but I?m not sure if they remember me. Well, I was a baby, then, pretty much.

Then I panicked because I could be fired sight unseen for using an alias when I?d been put in the position I?m in now. But when he came walking through, he just picked Bea up and petted her, looked over what I was doing that day, and that seemed to be it.

But then he smiled and chucked my cheek when he gave Bea back to me and said ?Damn, you?ve gotten tall?, and I didn?t know whether to crawl under my desk or faint or smile or what. But he just petted my hair and told me to get back to work.

Matilde was happy because we?d all proved her opinion of us to the big boss, except for Malcom, he barfed. Then again, Malcom ralphs any time he?s shaken up, and Senior seemed ready for it. He just got sent to therapy to work on that because he can?t be working at his full potential if he hurls every time he?s stressed.

I worried about that, too, because sometimes my seizures are triggered by stress. But sometimes not. Matilde just shrugged and said ?honey, we?re all disabled one way or another, yours just happens to be obvious when it happens.? I suppose she means mentally and emotionally and even morally, because I see so many people who seem perfect.

I guess that?s so. I mean, I?m the one that thinks Dad?s disappointed with me when he?s not at all. I mean, I guess ...I guess he?d be proud because I?ve survived and I don?t spend all my time moping about what I can?t change. I just do what I can.

I suppose I should ask him. I think he?ll stare at me and then laugh. But that?s okay.

[Desdenova]

Journal Entry 48, Eighteen Four

Fern?s got a boyfriend that?s even more piously earth-friendly than she is, if that?s at all possible. He?s human, he?s obnoxious, he?s a mod-beat whatever fashion plate, and what?s worse, I can never find a damn thing on him that is exploitative of the earth.

He?s sickeningly rich, which makes it easy to be that ecologically pure. I?d be willing to bet the creep even heads some secret chapter of ELF. You are automatically a creep if you belong to something with as lame a name as that, anyhow.

His name is Ravenhelm Chase Coronbetzer, which we snicker to each other is his pretentious fag name, but his parents seemed to have actually named him that. I suppose I can?t really talk, being Desdenova Amiel, but I don?t insist on being called Desdenova. I don?t mind if people call me Des, Dee, or Nova. I kind of like Dee and Nova, but most just call me Des, and I like that, too.

Besides, with a name like that, it?s easy to know if you?re in trouble. They?ll yell all three syllables, and my middle name too. That?s the masculine of Moms? middle name. I like it, too.

Anyhow, he insists on being called Ravenhelm, preferably Ravenhelm Chase. We make a point of not remembering that when he comes in. Nesbitt started calling him Archie, and that?s kind of stuck. Even Fern does it when he?s not around.

Archie?s annoying, though, he started coming in around three every day to oversee, as he put it, Ferns Important Work. He can?t ever say ?Ferns? job? or ?Ferns? work?. It?s always ?Ferns Important Work.? You can hear the capitalizations.

Matilde about had him for dinner for that, too. She pinned his organically grown and cruelty free and non exploitative ass to the wall and informed him in very small words that he was not an employee of the Four Winds, never would be, if she had any say about it, and if he even thought about disturbing Ferns? work, she?d skin him out and dress a golem in his hide, and Fern would never know the difference.

That was so cool. She would, too. Fern insists that she would so know the difference, but I bet she wouldn?t.

Anyhow, Archie shut up when he found out that even as wealthy as his mommy and daddy are, he still couldn?t buy the Four Winds and fire Matilde, but he still makes noise that he?s going to start his own research center for Fern to head. Except Fern knows as well as the rest of us that she needs a lot more experience to even try something like that.

Fern crossed marijuana with an exotic fungus, it was really fascinating. The fungus, when ripe, expells spores into the air in this huge cloud. Crossed with the marijuana, the spores carried the active ingredients of the plant. Sort of a bong you didn?t have to smoke, and the smoke would create more bong-plants.

Well, that?s what we were calling it, her bong-plant, because the fungus grew into a pitcher form, to catch falling water and trap insects, and when the spores erupt, they come bubbling up through the water. It?s really cool.

One was about to spore, so Fern called me in to watch, except that she hadn?t contained it as well as she should have, and when she saw the spores leaking from the case, she panicked, because I?m really sensitive to marijuana, and hit the wrong sensor on the computer, and opened it completely.

The last thing I remember was watching this cloud coming at me like I just went back to the 1960s and opened Jerry Garcias VW Vans door. It was too much of the spores and not enough air, too, so they rushed me into the critical care and ran me through a decontamination chamber.

Hor?zt carried me in, and there was so much of the stuff in my clothes and hair, he got high just carrying me. In fact, the whole wing was tipsy because the spores just get everywhere. Ironically, except for the atrium, because they keep a positive outflow of air to prevent the garden and pond and kids from getting contaminants from the rest of the wing.

They got my lungs and system clear, and I?m glad I was unconscious for that. Then they just dressed me in a set of scrubs and handed me over to the child care people, because they were the only ones sober, and I was clean.

Anyhow, Mrs. Fielding, the head of Child Care Services, she locked down the center and atrium, meaning no one could get their kids until the entire building was clean and everyone sobered up. She put me in the nap room with the rest of the kids to sleep it off. I woke up in a dog pile, it was funny.

Mrs. Fielding said it was because they didn?t know my mental state when I got hit with the cloud, they didn?t want to send me home and have me wake up screaming or something, or to send me to the hospital because I might really freak out. They know I like kids and I am pretty much still a kid, and I?d do better waking up with kids I know already, and anyhow, I could help with them in case the building wasn?t cleared before I came to.

It wasn?t, so I just took care of the babies while we waited. It was fun. Bea wasn?t affected, really, so they shoved her through the air lock after they dug her out of my bag and cleaned her fur, and she helped Feathyre and Flinx look after the older kids.

Finally, when we got the all clear, I headed home. Well, I stopped at the tavern because Cam was there. She was asked where I?d been and well, for the past few weeks, guys like Dillon and Zip were insisting that they were going to take me out and get me drunk and all that. Mainly ?all that?, meaning they wanted to get me laid, and Zane and Cam were both appalled.

I don?t have any desire to get laid, but freaking Cam and Zane out is always fun. So I came wandering up, disoriented and dazed still, I?d been gone a while, and just bided my time. Cam asked, finally, where I?d been.

So I said, well, I didn?t know, I woke up in a bed, not wearing my own clothes, with two girls. I waited till she choked and added ?and a boy?. And I didn?t remember how I got there. Which is, of course, all true, but I thought Cam was going to have a coronary. It was hilarious watching her.

Finally, I told her what happened, and the girls and boy were babies they?d piled into bed with me. I couldn?t tell if she was relieved that my innocence was unsullied or if she was going to wring my neck.

[Desdenova]

Journal Entry 49, Eighteen Four

I don?t know how innocent I really am, since I do know how to make that much trouble playing on peoples dirty minds, but I am a virgin. I always wonder why people would want to toss that away so quickly and easily. It?s supposed to feel so good, so why are they always complaining about it? Or getting tired of it with one person and looking for another?

Mom?s said it?s just they don?t really know how to do it right, and how could they, trying to do it as teenagers who couldn?t find a clitorous with two hands and a flash light? Or who can?t figure out much less spell things like cunninlingus, fellatio, and prostrate and all that?

It seems gross and violent to me. Just the whole kissing with tongues thing is... Bizarre. People tell me it?s sensual, but I mean, gross. What if you haven?t brushed your teeth, or you were syphoning gas or something?

I like it when people I know and trust touch or pet my hair, hand, or back, or even my cheek or arm, but I don?t know how it would feel anywhere else. I mean, it?s not like the doctors were ever rough with me, but I still didn?t want them poking and prodding all over me. And it?s almost painful when they go looking for your liver.

I really didn?t like it when they were assessing my developement, and still don?t. I?m happy as I am, why should it matter about my secondary sexual characteristics, or if they work? It shouldn?t matter, I don?t run around wanting to do anything about it. I don?t feel it. I don?t even know what it is I?m supposed to feel.

Anyhow, I?ve got everything I?m supposed to have, minus a lot of the body hair, for which I am glad, so what?s the big deal? I certainly don?t think with it, and I?m very glad of that, especially after watching some of the guys around my age here. At home, they?d be locked in the bathroom beating off so long, they?d get callouses on their dicks. Maybe they still do, most of these guys are gay.

But they still run around practically begging for sex, and I can?t see why. It?s like watching sparrows in spring. They?re doing it because they?re supposed to, that?s how they?re wired, it?s not a matter of enjoyment. Or they?d be doing it constantly.

So maybe they enjoy it, but it doesn?t seem to last very long, as often as they?re running around squealing to get laid. It?s repelling, it really is. There is nothing else to them. Everything is about sex. Maybe it?s because they don?t have anything else in their lives.

I like to flirt a little, when I don?t think the girl?s going to make something huge of it. I like to touch a little. I like looking at women who aren?t all scrawny and gross. I like it. It doesn?t own me. I?d rather look at a star chart or pet Bea or talk to someone I like.

And everyone seems so sorry for me, like that?s the real disability. I admit, it?s part of them all, but it?s just... It doesn?t affect me, so why worry about it? I guess I must, if I?m writing about it.

Mom was very late to mature, so was Dad, and Jackie, and Alice will probably be the same. It?s not a big deal, it means I probably will in time, but that scares me, too. I don?t know what it will mean. If I?ll change. If I?ll stop being who I am.

I?m afraid that the things that mean so much to me won?t anymore. That I?ll grow up, maybe. I won?t be able to crawl into bed with my sisters and hold them close and just enjoy that, that it?d turn into something disgusting. As it is, a lot of people look at me funny, but what am I going to say? My body?s eighteen, everything running it is a hell of a lot younger?

I guess I would if I cared what they thought. It usually shocks me so much when people think I would accept someone as a sibling and then think anything sexual of them that I can?t say ?I wouldn?t know a sexual thought if it looked me in the eye and said hello, I?m a sexual thought?. It usually upsets me, and that probably makes them think I?m protesting too much or something.

A lot of people just seem so different after they?ve started relationships that are sexual. I don?t want to be different. I don?t want to change. I like how I am. Even Cam and Zane. When they have lovers, it?s different.

Well, Jace never minded. He didn?t care if I crawled into bed with Cam, or even he and Cam. I guess he understood what I am. Or what I am not. I miss him, even if he and Cam aren?t together any more. He just accepted and didn?t think I was weird or screwing Cam when no one was looking.

I guess he just understood what it really is to claim someone as a brother or sister. Someone said that a best friend is a sibling that Fate forgot to give you. I don?t think Fate forgets or cheats or any of that. So maybe it?s just that Fate is giving you the chance to have another sibling to love.

But when they do have boyfriends, I can?t really go to them like I usually do. They say I can, but... I don?t want to get into the way. I want them to enjoy their time with the one they love or are attracted to or whatever without me sitting there in the way.

Really, I don?t want to look up and see them ...sexually involved, I guess is the way to put it. They?re not sexual figures to me, so it?s kind of... It?s alarming when I look up and see it. I mean, it?s cute if they?re cuddling up and kissing a bit. It?s embarrassing, but cute. But there?s ...gestures, glances, words, and those spell sex in block letters and it just... scares me.

I?m not sure why. Maybe because it could mean that they?d move on with that part of their lives, and I wouldn?t really be in it any more. I?d kind of be on the outside. I would be. Because you?re supposed to confide in, be with, be... everything, almost, to the one you love and marry or stay with.

Maybe because it means that they?re grown women with a grown womans wants and needs. A mature person wants the person they?ve chosen, and they want that person to be special and have an inner circle of closeness that no one else is going to be able to get into.

I don?t want that, either. I want my family. I want where I am with them, but I know it has to, it probably will, change. Jackie?s not near ready to settle down, I know, but she will. She talks sometimes of having a family of her own.

Not often, but she has. I can see her constructing that in her mind when she does. Her own family. I want her to have that, too, and I know I wouldn?t lose her, I?d gain more. It just wouldn?t ever be the same.

I guess this is why siblings often have a hard time getting to like their brothers or sisters lovers. Because I?d been pretty much been the man in her life, sort of, for so long. The one she confided in most, anyhow.

Being close to someone would be so different. It would change so much. I think it would, anyhow. I see it. I hardly ever see anyone on any equal footing with anyone they?re lovers with. I think it?s supposed to be that.

I wonder how I?d think if I didn?t have all this wrong with me, not working, not right, not perfect. I wonder that a lot sometimes. Who or what I would be. But I look at Jackie and I see how she is. So maybe I wouldn?t be so much different than she is.

It?s tempting... To go and look and see what I am in other realities. It?s a futile occupation, I know, but... I don?t know. I don?t even know how I?d react to seeing it.

I know all the rules, laws, all the morals and tenets attached to it, and I know how to find the splintering point for any lifes thread... I guess I was born knowing it, but that didn?t keep me from learning everything about it.

I wonder where the splintering point is in me. There?s usually more than one, of course, but I wonder where the first one is. Maybe it was before I was even born. Genetic codes not quite meshing, some random flux of energy, a missed synapse... Well, if I knew that, I?d know what precisely caused my disabilities and maybe even how to treat them instead of the symptoms.

It?s weird to think that somewhere, somewhen else, I might be completely healthy and normal. Or maybe it?s just nice to know. I don?t know.

[Desdenova]

Journal Entry 50, Eighteen Four

I took my toymakers spell and put it to work again, but I had to get help for it because I don?t speak any Italian. Matilde doesn?t, either, but she has the ...aptitude, I guess, for what I wanted. I sat down and crafted up this really cool toy set, a little Barbie sized Paige and ride on action Penn dragon.

But I wanted the Paige doll to talk, so Matilde rattled off the cursing and translated it so I could put them into the spells? matrix. So we made two of them, one cussing like mad, the other just saying heroic doll-things. Matilde wouldn?t do it unless I made one for her daughter.

Anyhow, it came out really great, too. The dragon has an open space in his belly for the accessories, a glaive, doll armor, sword, and all, and it breathes fire. Well, it sparks. The doll cusses when you press her back.

I wasn?t really sure what Paige made of the toy, she seemed a little taken aback, though she laughed and said it was cute. She didn?t want me to make more of them, though she said it was okay that Matildes daughter had one. Which is good, because I don?t think we could have pried Morgans? hands off of it from the moment she got it.

I think we could have sold the rights and likenesses and made a lot off of it, but I wouldn?t. I just thought it was funny.

But then there was this... vampire bunny going around. Well, I only heard rumors of it. That this rabbit with fangs was lurking through the forest, preying on the absinthe fairies.

Which was fine with me, they?re mean, creepy little things. Not as weird as the people I see adding powdered wormwood to processed absinthe, but maybe they have tapeworms along with an addiction to that stuff.

I never actually saw the bunny, and the people talking about it weren?t incredibly inebriated or crazy, so I figured, well, maybe there was one.

Which is kind of how I ended up with Teddy. The bunny was eating the fairies bodies and left a few heads, I guess, like a badger will, and Paige and Jessica had some of them. Testing them, I suppose. Well, they took one of the heads and cleaned and dried it and they gave that to Rick.

I can see how he must have done it, but I?ve never seen anything like it. It?s like an echo of a memory. So maybe if I ask or sit and think on it, I?ll figure it out. But somehow, he ...attached, I think is the best way to put it, a fae to the skull.

A bogle, really, his name is Teddy. He kind of looks like the unholy offspring of Dr. Ruth and Puss ?n? Boots. He?s about two and a half feet tall, orange and white tabby cat furred, his tail has a crook on it. His eyes are yellow and his nose is pink, it?s cute.

Anyhow, I know Paige gave him to me because I?d been having trouble with my medications that week. That happens sometimes, it?s almost always the pharmecuetical company screwing up, but by the time I realize there?s a problem with the meds, I?ve usually broken or bruised something really well.

Unfortunately, that?s usually the only way I have to find that out without testing each pill individually, which defeats the purpose.

Well, I wasn?t really sure about it, I have Bea, after all, and Flinx, but Teddy seemed nice enough, for a bogle. They usually torment liars and murderers, and... I?m both.

People fear goblins so much, but they never really stop and see why. They?re more closely bound to the wheel of justice and all than almost anything else. Most are there specifically to deal with people that are evil.

Teddy didn?t think I was evil, though. Just that I did what I had to do to survive, to keep what I had. I suppose that?s true enough. I?ve only killed when I had to. I don?t get anything from it. It doesn?t give me a thrill or make me feel guilty.

It wasn?t ever anyone with anything worth taking from to keep skills or knowledge alive. I?m not sure I would ever find anyone?s skills or knowledge alive worth what it takes to save it. I wasn?t able to pick through what I gained from that ghost, but it all just faded, for the most part.

But, I?d fallen really hard on my front steps a few nights before that. So I wasn?t really in the position to say I didn?t need any more help. Obviously, I did. I didn?t quite make it that night. I was talking to Feathyre, trying to calm her down. I did, and I ...well, I just didn?t make it into the house.

So, Teddy and I talked a long while over what it is that I really need and what I want. It upset me so much, though. I kept breaking down, and that just makes it worse, makes me feel like I really shouldn?t be on my own and just admit it and move in with someone or go home.

I couldn?t help it, though. I want to be strong. I hate that I?m not. That I?m weak. I want to be able to take care of myself, like anyone else. It felt like all I had was this mirror ball facade, and it was broken anyhow.

Like I was collapsing on myself and everything was a lie, it was only a matter of time before I had to be admitted to the hospital again and maybe this time I?d never be released.

Teddy understood. He didn?t think I was on a downhill slope and all he could do was apply brakes for a while. He said that it took a lot of strength to realize when you need help, and I just wasn?t ready to say that... And it was worse when it was glaringly obvious that I needed it.

It?s just so damn hard! And they smile and say they understand and they don?t think I?m failing, they just want to help and how can they understand?! How could they ever really understand?! How can they so kindly offer to help me, and then refuse mine? Or they never had need of that in the first place?

Not that I can do very much anyhow.

And I can?t say no. That?s the worst part. I know they?re not trying to hurt me or upset me, and only want to help. So I can?t say no without coming off as ungracious or a snotty brat or another professional victim.

It?s not like I enjoy it when I fall. It?s not fun for me to have to look someone in the eye and say ?I fell?. It?s really not fun when they take me aside and demand to know who?s beating me up, and I have to say myself. I have to explain that for reasons unknown, I have seizures, and nothing I?ve ever tried has stopped them, and I?m just tired of constantly hoping for nothing.

I?m so tired of it right now.

Teddy just pats my hand and says that?s okay. I don?t have to do anything. He doesn?t add on that later, I?ll change my mind. He just shrugs and says this is fine.

And, well, he has hands. He can pick me up from bad situations. Seizing in the bath is never good, and it?s happened. He makes better coffee than I do. He doesn?t hang out visibly unless I want company. At night, he?ll curl up with us in bed, and he purrs. In the morning, he insists on grooming me.

It?s more like I?m his pet human, and... well, that isn?t so bad as his being there to take care of me.

I?m just... sore, upset, and I want to cry in Moms arms and

[Desdenova]

Journal Entry 51, Eighteen Four

Bren is one of Cams? best friends. She was Sams? fiance. There?s things there that I don?t know, I don?t think I want to know. Bren is nice, though, she has a ...disability, I guess, too, but some people would call it a mental issue.

I guess she?s prone to these flights of fancy and... I kind of envy her. I guess any way you can fly is good.

It was kind of strange how well Cam and Bren hit it off, because I don?t think Cam even knew her brother was engaged at all. But they were sharing a common loss, so maybe that blew past everything else. Now they were all they had left of Sam.

I would offer to take Bren to see the grave too, but I feel kind of funny about it, because she?s started seeing Max. Well, more than seeing, they?ve gotten very close over the months. Sometimes, I don?t know what?s wrong with him, he?ll do the stupidist things I?ve ever seen, other times, he?ll be really nice and intelligent.

The first time he met Horam, he started yelling at Horam and ...basically, expecting a minotaur to be a human. It made me mad. Horam?s not a clown or a fool, and Max didn?t bother to find out what was there before pitching a fit.

The android lady, Shodan, was there, and she was able to calm Horam down and he left with her, but it... it made me so mad. I think Horam would probably just laugh, someone like me trying to defend him, but... I tried.

It hurts a lot, knowing that if Horam knew I was disabled, he?d regard me as ...already dead, I guess. It?s cultural, I know, that the disabled are useless and weak. I don?t think they kill them, but I?m sure there?s a lot of suicides.

When he escaped from the knights, Horam had been blinded and I found him. He was hysterical. It didn?t matter that he?d escaped, even blinded, and made it back. Just that now, he was blinded and he had no reason to be alive without all of his facilities.

I had to sedate him, and Zane came to help me with him. We got him into the tavern. I think Zane was a little disgusted with how he was acting, but I ...I could understand. Or maybe Zane was the one that really understood and I was just feeling sorry for myself. After all, she?s lost an arm and has made herself stronger for it.

It just hurt me. A lot. It still does. I guess it?s worse for me because I was born disabled. I didn?t lose anything in honorable combat.

Anyhow, Bess promised to look after Horam until we could send Halcyon to him. The paladin. She?s so beautiful. I always think she?s going to be taller than I am, and she?s only five foot four.

When I told her that Horam needed her, she just nodded and said it would be seen to. Then she looked at me. I knew she wanted to look into my eyes, but I couldn?t let her. I wanted to. So much.

She just held her hand out to me. She doesn?t talk a lot when she doesn?t really know what the problem is, she just gestures. It?s easier to respond. I could take her hand, but I couldn?t...

But she just hugged me. Promised me that she?d take care of Horam and let me go. I just

[Desdenova]

Journal Entry 52, Eighteen Four

Bren is dating Max, he?s okay, he?s just on the one hand oblivious and on the other hand intent. I think his issues with Horam and then Thornmane were that they expect to be feared and they don?t really. They?re minotaurs.

A lot out of Max?s mouth is about sex, which I don?t like, but there?s not much I can do about it except walk away when he starts getting like that. Sometimes I wonder what Bren sees in him, but when he is nice, he is very nice.

He kept trying to buy me things, because he?d noticed I wanted them very much. He just didn?t seem to understand why I was saying no. He thought I was just proud, but... I just can?t have a car to drive, I can?t drive, I can?t even have pets.

I didn?t want to tell Max any of why, he?s the sort that if you say that to him, he makes a big campaign to protect you, and I don?t want to be protected, either.

So, well, that?s Max. He?s some sort of a demon, too, but I?m not sure what kind. It?s not like he burns me in close proximity. Probably one of the outworld demons, or a misnamed genius or muse. There?s a lot of those around here, after all.

Max seems to have this... crush, I guess, on Cam. Or maybe even though he has Bren and seems very happy with her, he?s regretting that he didn?t get a chance at Cam, and even though it doesn?t look very good, all the rather sexual remarks he?s making about her, he still does. I sometimes wonder what Bren makes of that, but then again, she would either make less than nothing of it or a huge drama.

She?s so strange. Sometimes, she?s so broken, it?s hard to tell she?s there at all, and other times, she?s just a nice lady. I?ve never seen her shine. Maybe she just does that for people she knows very well.

So, anyhow, Horam and Thornmane got into another brawl. This really isn?t all that unusual. He kissed her that time, and she went ballistic. It was funny. Afterwards, though, Cam was kind of mad that Max had made a CD of her singing without asking about it, and he gave it and a Cadillac to Oliver.

Cam was sitting in the grass, so I went to sit with her, then Max and Oliver, and they were talking while I was looking up at the sky. I don?t really know how it got to that, but Max was suddenly talking as if he had been having sex with Cam and knew all about her reactions.

I couldn?t believe what I was hearing, I really couldn?t. The next thing I knew, I?d slugged him in the jaw. I haven?t hit anyone in a long while, I was off balance and center, and I overextended, but at least it got his attention. He apologised, and he doesn?t talk like that anymore, in front of me, anyhow.

Cam was proud of me.