Fixed and Consequent

[Desdenova]

Journal Entry 62, Eighteen Four

I went to go find Lady Tyg one night. Lady Tyg is just that, a tiger. A big white one. It?s easy to adore her, and she?s easy to adore back. She doesn?t usually even ask why when you want comfort or just contact, she?s just there to give it.

She doesn?t gloss over if you did something stupid or bad, but she doesn?t hold on to it once she feels you?ve made amends and don?t intend to keep doing the same thing over and over.

Anyhow, I went looking for her, because I was lonely and I did want to be held, and ...well. She was over by the Crystal Inn, and all hell was breaking loose.

I?m not even really sure what any of it was, it was so peculiar. There were these... Dragon-orc... things... just... everywhere. Attacking the people around there. Nathanial, Paige, I guess they?d followed Paige, and Tess, and a guy named Joey, I think.

Well. I went in to help, if I could, and it was just a horrible mess. One of the things grabbed me and started to fly off with me, which would have been really cool, except it was pecking at me, too, so I knocked it down before it got too high.

Another grabbed Tyg, but it was going fast. Someone shot it down, and I really fast created a bubble to catch her and lower her, and that dork Joey, who was hucking around playing cards like he?d been reading way too many comic books throws another card, which caused this huge wind and force wave, and...

Well, when Tyg and I picked ourselves out of the mess, I was madder than hell and zapped a rat tail onto Joeys? butt. He still doesn?t know who did it, and I?m not going to say.

I like going to the Crystal now and then, though. It smells like home. It feels like it. I go there when I?m homesick. Sometimes I?ll get into Moms? lab, sometimes, she?s there. Trying to rule the world again, or just fixing a radio or something.

I kept getting lonely. I kept wanting contact, and I don?t know why. I still don?t. I think if Mom had asked if I wanted to come home now, I would have. I just felt kind of rootless, I guess. Restless.

With everyone insisting I?m fine how I am, that it doesn?t matter, it was almost like feeling like there wasn?t anything really chaining me down. That it was all in my mind or something. Some people really take it lightly, and think I take it too seriously.

I think I do, too, until Teddy?s hauling me out of the pond or out of the road or something. Or Fern?s still hyperventilating and holding me from falling onto a collection of sharp tools. Or Cam?s determinedly staring at nothing and has me half pulled into her lap.

Then they say it?s all right. I wonder if it really is.

[Desdenova]

Journal Entry 63, Eighteen Four

Sinjin walked up to me one morning with a little phoenix on his shoulder. It was the prettiest thing I?d ever seen. She?s about the size of a merlin, a peregrin falcon, and she seems to be made out of sunshine and fire.

I?ve grown up knowing Firebird, Thunderbird, Rainbird, and Waterbird, but I?d never seen an earthly representation like that. Sinjin said he found her out on the beach, trying to rise from her ashes in a rebirth, but the tide was coming in and kept putting out her fires.

So he moved her back further so she could light, and she just followed him from there. He suddenly gave her to me and asked me to watch her. I laughed and said he just wanted to see what I?d look like with thick horn rim glasses and a lightning bolt scar on my head. I thought he was going to laugh himself sick.

But, he went to go talk to Mesteno, and then he left. And I still had the phoenix. So, I just took her with me to work. Everyone just went nuts over her, and I have to admit, she is so sweet and so pretty, it?s hard not to.

I?ve met Mesteno before, I?m never really quite sure of what to make of him. He seems nice enough, but he?s not. The girls and the gay boys swoon over how pretty he is, but it?s hard to see that. Sometimes, it?s like someone?s scrawled over him in black crayon and then crushed it.

He goes forward by his own inner lights, and then by the twisting of those, gets hauled back. So there?s anger, but at himself, maybe. They call him ?sadist?, but he doesn?t have it in him to tell some people to bug off and stay bugged off.

I think Sinjin really wants to love him, and can?t. That there?s some odd barrior there he can?t break down. Maybe it?s just friendship. Some people won?t destroy that for anything, even romantic love.

I don?t know. Sinjin does seem to run himself up on the rocks more often than a cursed ship. Then again, I suspect Mesteno does the same.

There were a lot of beings with wings showing up around then. The gryphon chick, Eolalae; the ...elf, avarial, I guess, Drew; a few others. I don?t remember now. I remember Eolalae best, I think she wanted me to take her home and all, but I really can?t take care of anything.

Eolalae told of being forced away from her flight and seperated from her parents in something that sounded like a wizards storm. I related that to Jonny, he?s some sort of ...paladin, I guess. He insisted that he would deal with it, and that was fine with me.

He?s a strange sort, too, but I guess that?s fairly typical, really. To be strange. He called me fire and air. I thought that was odd, all things considered, but it made sense to him. That?s really all that matters.

Drew ended up taking Eolalae to his family, and one of his fathers gives me a lecture on what to give her and not when she?s out. I would have gotten offended, since I?d been feeding her when I could since I got there, and I?m not that great a hunter, but I just ate it and nodded.

It?s not like he?d know, after all. I can understand her, but I can?t really speak to her. Feathyre can. We?d been trying to teach Eolalae English, but talk about pulling teeth.

It ended up with the little shit snatching and biting Horams? tail. I made sure Feathyre clocked Eolalae well and chewed her out sidewise, because otherwise, Horam would have just killed Eolalae out of hand. And really, who could blame him? With all the loose brats running around doing crappy things and then trying to fall back on innocence of youth... Well, I don?t think I?d handle it any better than Horam.

Well, she?s Drews? and his family?s problem now. As long as she?s behaving, it?s all good. I just get irritated fast when a kid is doing things they know they shouldn?t simply because they know someone will protect them from their cute innocent little pranks. I won?t, I?ll keep them alive, but I?ll smack them stupid myself.

Anyhow, so, I had the phoenix. I didn?t know if she was a male or a female, so I just started calling her Charlie. She sings morning and night to put a nightengale to shame, and she likes to learn new tunes.

She stays, mainly, in the barn, and hunts rats, mice, and squirrels. Sometimes, she?ll hawk for me and bring me rabbit or squirrel. She?s taken to coming with me at dusk when I leave for the observatory, because she has to sing the night in. Well, that?s the impression I got.

Impressions seems to be how she communicates, it just took me a while to realize it. I have to be quiet. And when I sing with her, I am. So, she?s a she, and her name isn?t really Charlie, but she likes it. So do I.

Anna likes her a lot because she can feel the warmth from Charlies? light. All the ghosts do, really, but Anna?s my favorite. She?s Charlies? too.

We play tag in the twilight, because it lasts so long. Charlie, Teddy, Flinx, Anna, Bea, and I. It never seems real. It?s like something I remembered from a dream, or from when I was a child.

A twilite that never ends, but ...You go in when it's dark.

[Desdenova]

Journal Entry 64, Eighteen Five

There?s a new docent at the observatory. She?s the Geemis?s neice. Her name is Aurora Belle. She walked in with the sun behind her, and I stared.

She?s so pretty. Beautiful. It was shocking. I?ve seen pretty girls before, but ...I kept staring. She just stood there, I don?t know how long, I opened the door and there she was. I stared like a moron. She finally said hello, and her name, that she was the new docent.

I stuttered. Spirits, I?m such an idiot. I couldn?t even get out my own name. I finally got out of her way and showed her in, then got the hell back to my work station before I made a bigger fool of myself than I already had.

I couldn?t even keep my attention on the charts. That still alarms me. It was just... I was just so shocked to open the door and see her there. Like a beam of sunshine.

Her hair is red and gold. More gold than red. It?s long, to her backside, in waves. Her eyes are the palest blue I?ve ever seen. She?s not very tall, maybe five foot four, she?s slender, and was wearing a long blue skirt and a lighter blouse under the lab coat. She has dimples that always seem to be there, or maybe she just smiles that much. Her skin is a pale golden color, too, but I don?t know if that?s by nature or if she?s got a tan.

Her voice is so musical. Alto. It?s soft, but you can hear it clearly across the room. Or maybe I was just listening for it. She moves as if she already knows where she?s going even though she?d never been there before. She?s not really a student of astronomy, though she?s interested, they brought her in to act as a docent for the tours.

Mrs. Geemis brought her back to my station, and... Spirits, I... I just... I did my charts. Mrs. Geemis introduced us, and I fumbled over that, I couldn?t look at her, I mumbled. She... Aurora... she didn?t seem to be offended or anything. She didn?t laugh. She just smiled. Maybe she knows how pretty she is and how shocking that can be.

Then Mrs. Geemis announces that Aurora?s just started college away from home, and I should take her out dancing to help her get into the swing of things, and I know I was blushing. But Aurora did too, a little. I think. She giggled, it was so cute.

I said I would, I was so shaken up I probably would have agreed to almost anything. I felt bad, too, because I?m sure Aurora doesn?t want to be set up with some geek that works for her aunt, but she agreed that it?d be fun, and I seemed nice. So I gave her my cel phone number and told her to call me Saturday and we could meet somewhere. She gave me hers, too.

I want to call her just to say hello. That?d probably terrify her. She probably thinks I?m an idiot savante or something, I couldn?t get one sentance out without stammering, I can?t imagine what a fool I?d sound like calling her. Just to hear her voice again.

I can?t believe I?m even thinking this. This is so ridiculous. She?s pretty. That?s all. I?m making a moron of myself. I?ve seen more beautiful women in the past twelve months than you can shake a stick at. I?ve seen more OF them than I wanted to, too.

Hopefully, she can forgive me acting like a drooling moron and we can be friends. She seems really nice.

[Desdenova]

Journal Entry 65, Eighteen Five

Something... A thing, really, it has been... haunting, possessing, something, Cam. It avoids me. When it?s at its worst, it manifests, and hurts her. I mean, it cuts her, like stigmata.

I would think it was a ghost, but I don?t know for sure. It seems to have more to it than that. Le Bukker, that?s what Cam muttered under her breath a few times about it. The boogeyman.

At first, I just figured Cam wasn?t going to have nightmares so badly if I was there with her. She?d drag in looking like death not very well warmed over at all, and then I?d realize... She literally hadn?t slept in days.

She?d started school again, and I know she?s breezing through the classes. She seems born to music, she just doesn?t know what the names of the parts of it are. College is always stressful, but not like that.

I joke about it, but it?s not a joke. She usually walks most places, too, but she?s decided to work at as a waitress again while going to school, and... It?s just not a good idea to be that tired.

It scares me when she doesn?t protest or even give me a look when I say I?m going to drug her and put her to bed. That?s happened too much lately. And she doesn?t want to say what?s going on.

I?ve gone to her apartment a few times, and I can?t find anything. It?s Zanes property, though, I know it?s warded against those things. It doesn?t have anyplace to hide.

Except in her head.

And I can?t look in there. She doesn?t like it, and even when I try to look anyhow, I can?t find anything more than a lot of ...residue, this... sludge, fear, anger, guilt, pain, arrogance... I can?t make a lot of sense out of it yet.

It?s just difficult. I can?t just barge in and look around and start really looking for where the boogey is hiding unless I?m invited in. I always have to be invited in. It?s a little difficult, but I can usually get people to ask me to come in without too much trouble.

Cam just seems to know that, and won?t. I think she?s afraid that since it can hurt her so easily, and she doesn?t think she has any connections to other energies, then it could do me a lot more damage.

Maybe, I don?t know. I do know to skip the hell out of Dodge if I?m overmatched. ...I?m just not arrogant enough to think I would be able to. I just need to know more.

A lot more.

[Desdenova]

Interlude: Fern


The lab was quiet, but a far cry from sterile and lifeless. Large, glass and white enamels, it could have been from nearly any era, really. Everywhere, under glass domes, in cases breathed over with moisture, under specialized lamps and lights, were exotic plants.

A central hydroponic trough dominated the room, open under dimmed lights, filled with vigorously growing plants. Young marijauna plants, though it would take a botanist to trace their lineage back to the original strain once growing wild in arid parts of the world.

Almost black, reddish on the leaf tips, each leaf tripled on its original compliment of leaflets, the plants would soon enough find their way into medical research and dispensing.

Those, however, were not what Desdenova had been set to watch. Rather, it was a large vine-like orchid inhabiting a tank half filled with some briny solution and dirt. Fascinating thing, it moved slowly, almost querilously extending its tendrils to its baby sitter.

Flickering touches of smile lit over the youths face, looking up at each movement of the plant to touch it in return, gentle, careful. Just a plant, yes, but it was quite affectionate.

A sort of distant cousin to the dyrads, Fern had explained, and badly endangered in their home world. Mildly sentient, and somewhat symbiotic, she was endeavoring to find another symbiot for them to borrow from.

That boiled down to babysitting while it was awake so far. The plant she was working with had quickly decided it liked humanoids a lot, and would curl up and sulk if left alone.

It would be far less needy once she had at least one other or a cutting started from the parent plant, Fern was positive, but for now, it was as bad as having a new baby in her care.

Worse, and to Desdenovas? enduring amusement, the orchid had gathered itself up and flailed at the air while emitting a high pitched wailing when it saw her taking the clothing she?d brought to change into for her date from her locker.

Fern glowered at the youth when he curled an arm protectively around the agitated plant and soothed it with insistances that Mommy would be back soon.

?I am not that plant?s mommy!? Fern insisted with a flounce and toss of green dreadlocks before she swept off to shower and change.

The orchid?s memory, it wasn?t long, and it was happy with its new company within moments. It seemed to listen as Desdenova read aloud from his daily reports to it, though it was slowly drooping.

Interesting as he felt his work was, obviously, not everyone shared the sentiment. It amused him that he was actually boring a plant to sleep.

Though his teasing about Fern as a surrogate mother was well placed. Precisely an hour after she had left to meet Archie, she called.

?Baby is sleeping just fine, Mommy,? Desdenova teased softly, glancing up from his paperwork as he spoke to the cel phone. The orchid had gone lax and settled into graceful organic curves, still as any house plant.

However...

Frowning a bit, Desdenova leaned closer to the orchids? open tank.

?I think it?s ...budding or something. There?s a small green cyst forming at the base just under the surface of your potting medium. It?s about the size of a pea. It seems to be growing pretty fast.?

Calmly, Desdenova answered Ferns barrage of concerned questions, as calmly taking notes on the developement of the bud. He wasn?t all that terribly surprised when Fern burst back into the lab in her club gear.

?Oh, you silly goose, that?s not from the orchid, it?s just an algae bubble,? Fern finally pronounced after inspecting the growth intently, only to straighten and eye Desdenova sternly, ?And you better not have created that just to pull me away from my date.?

?Maybe it had gas,? he murmured, humor flickering in lightless eyes, ?It was pretty bored with my reading. And I don?t care if you date Archie. He?s got a lot of money, you can marry him and take him for all he?s worth. I?ll help you hide the body.?

?Des! You are such a karmic horror!? Fern protested, appalled.

?It?s very earth friendly to return remains to the earth, though, Fern. We?d be helping the forests retain their vigor.?

?Just stop! You are the most rotten little -- OH! See what you make me do?!? Fern burst out, her outrage doubling as she realized what he?d goaded her to, ?Now I have to purge all those bad thoughts. You really need to sit down and align your inner self to the consciousness of all and be one with the earth instead of letting your emphermal outer dictate your actions.?

?You?re the one out dancing to loud techno pop in some plastic fantastic retro neon rave joint,? Desdenova retorted with an impish smile.

?The goddess wants us to make merry with our hearts and souls, and plastic and neon are reuseable,? Fern retorted smoothly. It was an old jibe, after all. She turned to her reflection in a large pane of glass, smoothing the breathtakingly snug mini skirt over her slight hips, preening enough to make Desdenova eye her in amusement.

?Some brazen hussy red head was all over Archie before I left, I?ll bet she?s trying to take advantage of my work needing me. But he understands,? Fern announced, quickly touching up her lipstick.

?He?d gawk at a troll if she had red hair,? Desdenova pointed out nastily, ?But you?re his pet eco-queen scientist, you?ll have to introduce him to Nadia over at the Krynn home office to get rid of him.?

?Desdenova!? Fern yelped, glaring at him, ?He would not and I am not! And he wouldn?t give a fig for Nadia! She?s a fat pig!?

?Especially up here,? Desdenova agreed, hands lifting to make a horribly inappropriate motion before his upper chest. Fern seethed, tossing her head.

?Rowans are just big blobby hussies, you wait, she?ll be as big as a house in a few centuries,? she insisted, abruptly turning her back on the young man and whipping aside her long dreadlocks to show her fanny.

?Does this skirt make my butt look big??

Skin tight and patterned with wide horizontal stripes, the skirt was not a good choice for even a skin and bones dyrad to wear. Desdenova stared at Ferns? backside, startled by the strange question and the fact that he was directed to look at all.

?It makes your ass look huge, are you kidding? What were you smoking when you bought that horrible thing??

Some thirty minutes later, Desdenova came to in the company infirmary, staring stupidly at Hor?zts wide, dark face, wondering at the Klingon mans uncharactoristically sympathetic expression and why his face felt like a cherry bomb went off in his sinuses.

?Some questions should never be answered, boy.?

[Desdenova]

Journal Entry 66, eighteen five

Aurora called, while I was at work. I didn?t get all stupid again. She apologized for calling early, but I didn?t mind. She said she?d much prefer it if I could show her around during the day, and then perhaps stop for coffee or lunch. That sounded better to me, too. Less stressful.

I told her I couldn?t drive, but if she didn?t mind walking, I could show her where the stores are, a few nice restaurants and hangouts. Aurora said she had a car here but liked the idea of finding everything in walking distance.

So, I met her out by the university commons. Spirits, she is so beautiful. She smiled and everything lit up even though it was drizzling. She still didn?t mind walking.

We talked a lot. She?s an only child, and she?s very close to her parents. She?s eighteen, she?ll start classes in September, actually, but is taking a few fun courses before then. Painting and pottery. She?s majoring in business law and minoring in sociology.

Astronomy is a hobby, but she knows quite a lot about it, probably from her aunt and uncle. It was funny to hear about their relationship from the family side. I guess they?ve always been pains in the asses.

She likes to dance, too, swing and ballroom, and she plays mandolin. She wants to garden, so I showed her a little nursery where I go to get things for the cemetary, and we didn?t get coffee after all, I helped her pick out plants for a few window boxes for her dorm room, then we went there so I could show her how to make them up.

It?s a really bright, cheerful little place, it gets a lot of sun. I think she?d start fading without it. I bought us lunch at the student pub, and we talked more. About everything. We talked so long that we ended up being late to the observatory. I suppose it was just dark and gloomy and I didn?t notice the time.

She drove us, because we were late. She has a cute car, too, it?s a little Opel GT. Like a miniture Corvette, it?s sunshine yellow. The Geemis?s were arguing, Angel and Theresa were busy, so they didn?t notice we came in late. There was a tour waiting, but they were late, too.

It was nice. Aurora asked me to call again, and we could go dancing.

[Desdenova]

Journal Entry 67, Eighteen Five

Jessica?s old boyfriend, Frank, showed up again. She got... weird, I guess is the only way to put it. Herself, and not. Which... Just makes me examine myself all the more. I mean, Frank walked up and swatted her butt, and she didn?t so much as slash at him.

It kind of alarmed me, because well... Jessica?s really distant and cold. Frank said she wasn?t, that she was all mischeif and fun when he first met her.

I don?t know, I... I just don?t. I mean, I know her as I met her, and now, there?s an entire other side that is suddenly unearthed by the reappearance of one man.

I guess it kind of makes me jealous, because I never saw it before, and I couldn?t make it show. It kind of scares me, too, because it?s not the Jessica I know.

But things and people change. She must have, before. She told me some of it. About the man chasing her and who kept sending her weird trinkets and such. Well, I shouldn?t say chasing, he just seems to be pushing her around to see if she?ll move.

I somehow think he was a fiance? or something. There?s something there, some bond, that keeps her from just... making his absence permanant. I don?t know what it is. It feels like some sort of family thing, the way she?s spoken, so non commital and matter of fact. It?s just it.

But that?s what, from what I can understand, made her go from being herself, a normal young woman with a good humor and all that, to what she was.

She said something about him wanting to make an animal of a human. That was kind of creepy. But what made me wonder was that her parents are both dead, she goes and visits them with flowers a lot. She said a werewolf or something killed them.

It really makes me wonder.

Frank... I don?t know. He seems okay. His dogs like him. They?re not really dogs, they?re all feral crossbreeds, but they do like him a lot. Which really doesn?t say much, in the end, because dogs don?t judge you by how you act to others, only towards them.

A couple of times, he was really just... horribly crude. And I don?t understand why so many people are so willing to tolerate that. It?s... Well, it?s crude. Vulgar. I suppose it has its place and time, but... Some things just really aren?t anyone elses business.

I don?t know how I could trust someone that would be so willing to make a loud and obnoxious joke about something personal that I told them. I wouldn?t.

I don?t want to tell people about me, anyhow.

Well... I don?t know, Jessica seems happy, and that?s all that matters. She doesn?t exactly sit there smiling, but...

Someone snatched her, and it was really the worst kidnapping I?ve ever heard of in my life. I didn?t know it was an actual kidnapping until later. Paige left a note for Frank, asking if it was a kidnapping, in fact.

But they brought her back, and I was just... Great spirits, the ameteurs around here. I got their liscence plate number and descriptions. I?d cast a tracking spell, but it wasn?t really necessary, a cop suffering sugar shock from too many Dunkin? Donuts could have followed them.

They tossed her out in the yard of the tavern, and I went to see if Jessica was all right. Cianan tried to stop me. He said if it was me out there, and Jessica up here, she?d let me rot. Or she?d cut out my spleen or something.

Maybe so, but she wasn?t, and I wasn?t. I told him that, and he really seemed taken aback. Maybe like he finally realized that I meant it when I said things, and all the times I was trying to help him I was really trying to help.

Jessica was all right. Just groggy. I?d helped her before, when she and Dillon got into it. I don?t think she remembers that time, either.

He was going to kill her, and I got between them. I was scared, but I didn?t think he?d go through me to get to her. I was right, that time.

I helped her up, and talked to her some. Jessica, I mean. And she said it was something to do with Frank.

But she was okay, that?s all that really matters.

[Desdenova]

Journal Entry 67, Eighteen Five

There was a girl that started to show up. She liked to read horror books a lot. She seems nice, about thirteen or fourteen. I?m guessing she sneaks out of a group or foster home, or even an orphanage, the way she acts. She?s clean and well tended, but she?s always edgy when she?s not in the shadows.

She was always trying to do dance steps, so I showed her how to do the box step. It?s easy. Not many people really want to learn how to do ball room dances anymore.

Sam seems to want to know a lot about families. She?ll grill you every chance she gets. Then she wants to know about you. Which is okay, it?s just a little odd, sometimes.

Elias seemed intent on doing that back to her, and I don?t know. It kind of creeped me out. He seems to get jealous fast, and well... I don?t know. Maybe it?s just that he?s older, and I know he?s been hanging around people who are very sexual.

When Rome came back, finally, and was herself again, and we were talking over everything, he was just... Really bitter that she was talking to me at all. I didn?t know he knew her.

He?s making out as if he?s horribly ill, and doesn?t take care of it, and then he gets people to help him, but then kind of hides them when they are trying to help. So that someone else won?t know, and he can pull them in for the same thing.

It?s creepy. He?s creepy.

Rome did finally come back, herself, though. With a hole in her wrist. I guess they took away the newer interface thing. She kept acting like I?d be horrified by it or something. I thought it was really cool.

It bothered me, though. I reached out to touch her, and she acted all leery of it. She?ll touch others. I guess I just felt bad that I?d offered to show I did trust her, and she was uneasy of me. Still.

But there?s not anything I can do about it. It just bothers me.

[Desdenova]

Journal Entry 68, Eighteen Five

After that kidnapping, or whatever it was, Jessica really surprised me. She asked if I would try to help Frank. From what I can gather, the people who snatched her were just trying to tell her they?d grabbed him and worked him over sideways or something.

I suppose it would make more sense if I knew the entire story, but I don?t, and it doesn?t.

Jessica knows some of what I can do. She thanked me a few times. Quietly, in Italian. She and Paige both have been teaching it to me bit by bit. It?s a beautiful language, and it?s really cool when they both start cursing people out in it.

They don?t usually use bad words, just... really interesting ...things to do to oneself. Or what their recent familial history is, or their sexual preferences.

Paige was there and said she?d come along, because well, honestly, I?ve never cast any of the major healing spells that I know. I?ve learned them all, and I?ve been graded very high on my casting technique for them, but I?ve never had a real live subject to work on.

I know some of my schoolmates would deliberately harm themselves or friends in order to test the spells out, but I never would. They?re healing spells, they can?t possibly work right if you?ve caused the damage for no other reason than to heal it. That?s what I reasoned, anyhow, and as it turned out, I was correct, and it was one of those Glinda lessons that makes you want to smack the crap out of the instructor.

Glinda lessons always have the ?you had to learn it for yourself? caveat attatched, and I?ve never had to learn anything for myself, I?m smart enough to figure out that if something was stupid for someone else to do, it?s going to be stupid for me to do.

But anyhow, I agreed, and ...someone shot at us as we were leaving. It was a heavy unmarked sedan, black, with all of its identifying chrome removed, mid eighties model. That?s all I saw when it went by. Just black enamelled steel and the flash of the rifle.

It hit me in the leg, and it hurt a hell of a lot. Dad and Mom both have said that it does hurt a lot on several levels when you?re shot, and I believed them, but I?d never felt it for myself.

It hurt a lot. But I had to do what I said I would before I did anything else.

Frank was really messed up. I was positive I could heal him, sure, but I was in a lot of pain, myself. I?d never cast the spell on anyone. That was one thing the shock was good for, though. All I could do was concentrate on my objective, I couldn?t freak myself out with doubts or anything.

The spell went off really well, I could see it taking hold before it took hold, as it were. It?s a long casting, but it?s thorough. Once I realized he was okay, I just wanted to get somewhere to have my leg seen to. And Paige was shot, too.

Paige was more coherant than I was, so she took us both back to the castle and woke Rick up. He gets really overprotective when someone he?s decided is ?his? gets hurt or something. He kept muttering about locking me in a tower, and I think he was joking.

Except the next day, the rest of the kids there said no, he?s not. They have this huge brood of mostly orphans, mostly boys, who are Paiges pages and squires, and the three oldest were already knighted. They?re all really nice, and some of the few normal people around here.

Which is really ironic, considering they?re all fresh out of the 1400s or something. Well, I guess they?re not that fresh out of it, but close enough. It?s not like they scream ?devil!? when I pull out my cel phone, they all have one on them anyhow.

It?s so Sir Dad the Dragon can keep tabs on them, Falcon said, and it was pretty funny, except that somehow, Rick found out that my Mom put a tracking device into my Medic Alert bracelet and he made me show him how to track it and what the frequency was and all.

Which wasn?t fair, he stuck my head into his armpit before I could figure a way out of it, and he?d been at work. So, I had to show him.

It bothered me. I mean, who has to tag their kid? Who needs to have that much of an open window on where they are? No one, unless their kid is disabled like I am.

But then Rick was saying he was going to tag all of the kids. I was surprised, because well, it is a little extreme. He didn?t seem to think so, he thought it was a great idea. I guess he?s just really overprotective of all of the kids.

It?s kind of weird, I guess, but I?m glad that he said that. That he was going to track them all. I didn?t feel quite so... Different.

Special. That?s always what they say. ?Special?. Yes, and I rode the short bus and everything, special. Who came up with that? ?Special.? The word doesn?t even make sense after you say it long enough.

I think I need to go to bed.

[Desdenova]

Journal Entry 69, Eighteen Five

What a mess. Cam said that the ?boogie man? or whatever it is, got out and attacked Oliver. It still avoids me. That?s either a good thing or a bad thing, I don?t know yet.

Cam was trying to look after Oliver, his arm was broken or something, and I just didn?t know what to do or say. She?s safe, for the most part -- at least she can sleep -- when she stays with me.

At least, I make her sleep.

She came by, and looked hag ridden. Utterly. It was hard to look at her, but, it took me a few moments to realize it. I wasn?t thinking. Or, I was, but...

Things I?ve never thought of before keeps my attention just a little... A little off to the side or above. Just really... not formed thoughts. Feelings, I guess. Everything felt ...new. Clean, soft, beautiful.

I would always laugh at Jackie when she was mooning around like that. She didn?t miss things, but she?d be slow about them. And, well, she?d have that moony look. ...In her voice, her eyes, her movement... everything.

I wonder if that?s how she knew. Cam, I mean. She looked at me, laughed a little, and asked me who ?she? was. And I... well, I didn?t really say, because... well, frankly, a lot of the women, my sisters, are very protective of me, and I didn?t want them to scare Aurora away.

I know they?re older, and they?re wiser about things like that, but... I?ve never felt like this. I?m not stupid, I?m not going to run off and marry her tomorrow or something, I just... I want that feeling for as long as it?s there.

But then, I miss things I shouldn?t miss, and Cam?s already good at hiding things, and it?s a mess.

And I don?t want them to meet Aurora and decide that she?s not right for me, I mean, we?re just friends, really. We?re not dating or even going steady. I wouldn?t want to lose a friend because everyone around here skips the ?friend? part and goes directly into ?love?.

So what if thinking about her makes me a little ...airheaded, I guess, it doesn?t mean she does too, or even that anything would come of it at all. It?s just fun. Mom says that. It?s just fun. Enjoy it. Don?t worry about it.

But I do anyhow.

I told Cam that and then I saw, she wasn?t doing well. She was scared. She was exhausted. She was cracking and it was seeping out. I told her she had to come home with me, I was really... just scared to see her like that. She said she?d be there later. She had things to do.

I asked her to go and talk to Ari. She said she would, kind of off hand. So I figured I?d call Ari in the morning.

Except Cam never showed up. She just... vanished. I couldn?t find her anywhere. But one of Aris? people called and said ?don?t worry, Cam?s here, Ari will talk to you later?.

So, I just had to wait.