My Heroes Have Always Been Cowboys - - - Mackenzy Cord

[Roping the Wind]

He was stirring from sleep's embrace as he felt the shards of sunlight pricking at him from behind his closed lids. He gave a languid stretch his forearm reaching across the tumbled bedclothes and finding...only empty space. The lethargy in his limbs quickly melted away as he forced his heavy lidded gaze to wrench open.

Panic clawed at his insides for a moment and he couldn't seem to form the single word that faltered clumsily before dying on his lips on a strangled breathless gasp of sound.
He forced his lungs to breathe, craving the air that refused to come.
For one blindingly painful moment he thought for some reason... She was gone.

She hadn't run.

This truth was made apparent to him once he swung his legs over the side of the bed by
the indistinct sounds he heard from the direction of the kitchen as well as the invigorating scent of freshly brewed coffee wafting towards his senses in a surreal form of reality.

He smeared a calloused palm down the side of his face and ticking a few fingers along
the heavily whiskered angle of his granite jaw. His heartbeat was still tripping a rapid tattoo against the cage of his ribs and he feared as though it might burst through his chest at any second.

"Christ.," Gutteral sound spilled from him in a low cadence of a rumble and he was resting his forearms onto his knees as his dark head dipped forward and both hands pushed through the unruly lengths of his hair.

Waking up and not finding her tucked along his side, wrapped within his arms had
sent a pang so sharp it cut him to his very core. The hollow kind of emptiness.
Followed by crushing despair. He wanted to wake up every morning for the rest of his life and have her be the first thing he saw when he opened his eyes. He knew how very vital a part she played in his life, hell, in his sanity these days. If he ever lost her...

No. Don't even torture youself by thinking about it.

In doing so, he was almost afraid by obsessing over the matter it was tempting fate to bring it to fruition. He would be ...completely lost if she ever left him. He just wouldn't know how to function.

He pushed away from the bed and then padded towards the bathroom, leaving the slightly ajar as he turned on the tap to splash some cool water on his face. Then he raised his darkened gaze towards his reflection in the mirror. What does she see in you, Mac?

Hell if he knew but he wouldn't question why she chose him when she had half the male population in town salivating after her. It was the truth! He had noticed (even if she was oblivious to the fact) the admiring glances, the outrageous leers (from some who had
no tact at all) and then there were the only ones that made the cowboy feel unsettled.
The smooth operators who were too slick and arrogant for their own good.

He just worried. They were okay, he knew. But the goodness in the southern belle, her gentle trusting way that she had about her could leave her vulnerable to be taken advantage of by someone with no scruples (or morals) at all.

He reached for a handtowel and patted at his face before opening the medicine cabinet to retrieve his razor and shaving cream. He secretly wanted one of those hot lather barber shop type gizmo things. You know, the ones that kept you shaving foam heated to give you the feel of getting a true shave by a barber, like in the days of old?

He filled his palm with some of the foam and smoothed it along his jaw and neck.
Shannon would be proud, he was actually taking the time to shave this morning.
Though he was leaving some of the growth behind. Testing out a mustache and goatee look just on a whim. The rest of the stubble was scraped away, leaving a rather immaculately groomed appearance. He grinned in the mirror. He looked more like an Italian executive more than a rough and tumble cowboy without all the extra stubble. After finishing his shave, he threw on some aftercare lotion which had a pleasant woodsy spice to its fragrance, and then he was reaching for his toothbrush and plying it with a generous
amount of paste and stuffing it into his mouth to begin brushing his teeth.

After his business in the bathroom was taken care of he paused to throw on a clean pair of boxer-briefs and shrug into his robe, then leaving the bedroom to shuffle down the hallway,
a yawn slicing apart his lips as he lifted a hand to rub absently at the back of his neck.
When he saw breakfast waiting for him on the kitchen table he was bypassing it momentarily to steal into the kitchen and fold his arms around his fiancee from behind, corded muscles flexed with the motion of pressing her against him for a good morning
hug and kiss.

"Mornin..." Afternoon actually. They had slept well into the day and were shameless,
lazy bums.

He didn't need to offer much mor in the way of a greeting. The nuzzle along the slope of her neck and shoulder and the heat within the lingering kiss he claimed after husking over the
murmured syllables said it all.

You're my soulmate. I'm so glad I found you. I love you.

And somewhere in the back of his mind festered another misgiving but he pushed it aside as he sank into the inviting softness of her mouth.

But the thought stubbornly refused to go away or be silenced. His embrace around her shapely frame tightened all the more then.


Please don't ever leave me.

[Roping the Wind]

Why had she chosen him? Because he never 'salivated' at her.

He never looked at her like she was some piece of meat, or a trophy that he wanted to possess in order to make others envy her. She knew that when he looked at her .. that he was really looking at her. He saw Shannon Maguire -- her flaws, her quirks, her best qualities.

And if he could love her, even with those flaws and strange problems, then maybe she was someone who deserved love. He had brought her back from the brink of losing herself, of closing off and just going through the motions of life.

She loved him for that .. and so much more. Her day didn't begin until she saw his smiling face, sharing the space in the small bathroom and laughing whenever they bumped into each other.

She spent more time at work daydreaming about him then actually working and her night wasn't complete until she got a goodnight kiss.

Of course, every relationship had it's ups and downs, it's small issues.. but the sign that they were meant to be together, for Shannon at least, was the fact that she never worried they'd end. She had no desire to run and wasn't afraid that any little fight might send him running either.

The true test of a relationship, according to Cosmo (ha!), was being able to have a fight or a discussion about a problem, without fearing it would end the relationship.

And they had passed that test with flying colors.

She grinned when she saw him shuffling into the kitchen, setting down the dish she had been washing (because her mama taught her to never leave dirty dishes sitting in the sink) and drying off her hands before leaning into his embrace, arms curving about his neck.

"Good morning, handsome." Bright smile and she melted into the kiss, before brushing hands along his newly shaved skin.

"Mm, you shaved." Pleased note to her voice and she grinned up at him.

Some hint of his feelings could be read in his expression and hers softened slightly in response, hands brushing along his cheeks.

"It's okay, baby.. We just had a rough night. It happens. I'm still here .. and so are you.
I love you, okay? And we're gettin' married."

Soft reassurance, lifting her hand so he could see the ring glittering on her finger before kissing him once more.

"Now, go eat your breakfast.."

And see my surprise for you. She gave his backside a playful swat while turning him towards the table, laughing softly.

They had a rough night .. and since Shannon didn't dwell on the past, she had already moved past it. There were far better things to worry about, like Halloween .. and the future.

[Roping the Wind]

Well, it's been quite some time since I've actually done this journal writing thing but I feel as though if I don't get some of these tumultuous thoughts out of my brain and onto paper that I might actually go insane.

Bjorn is back in town. The one thorn in my side with the capability to prick me so until I feel as though I'm slowly bleeding out from the inside. He wants her back, this I know for certain and on some level I can see where he's coming from.

Shannon's an amazing woman. She's given my life meaning. Hell, she is my life, my soul, my heart. I couldn't begin to imagine how I would function without the center of my universe.

He hurt her terribly; I was there to witness the aftermath of the destruction the Lion caused the first time around in the painter's life and now he just breezes once again back into her life, a cyclone turning everything I've grown to hold so dear right on its damned ear.

I cannot write much more at the moment, I'm too godamned fucking angry. One thing is for sure. I can't lose her. God, but I love Shannon so much! I want her to be happy. If she's not with me and a shithead (Harsh? Not at all, Journal, what he did was inexcusable) like Bjorn is what she really wants, what can I do? Smile, nod and say, 'It was good while it lasted?'

I always knew somewhere at the back of my mind that I was living in some dream reality. Waiting for the other shoe to fall, waiting for the inevitable chaos of destruction that was sure to be on the distant horizon. The tempest has a name. And it's...Bjorn.

She told me last night that she had seen him at the tavern. As if this wasn't shocking enough, she also confessed that he had kissed her. Did she kiss him back? I don't know. Honestly, I don't even want to know the answer.

I couldn't even look at her directly when she was making the admittance. Shit, I never thought I could be so furious and so tormented in the same soul-shattering breath.

So, I left, Journal. I just couldn't deal with it right then. Damn it, it was just too much to grasp at once. I love her. God, how much I love that woman. But I need some time think about all of this. I can only hope and pray that this is just a testing of our faith in each other, in our love. Yet another trial that we have to overcome, just like the accident.

Dear God, please..please...don't let me lose her. I'll do anything. Please help her misguided heart to see that there's a lovesick cowboy that cherishes her like she were the very first woman to ever walk on this earth.

Heaven forbid if she did take Bjorn back, who's to say he wouldn't break her heart again? Who the hell does he think he is?! I swear I'll hunt him down and kick his miserable ass.

Well, Journal, I can only recount the events of last night as my hand is shaking too terribly to write much more.

Please, God...we need your divine intervention. Help us naviagte through these turbulent seas. Like a bridge over troubled water...


-------------------------------------------




Today had been .. well, crazy. She was still reeling from the argument with Bjorn and had gone to see her old buddy Trent for advice -- though he had none to give. The boxer had been kind enough to drive her home however, since her car had been left at the gallery, and so she was thanking him kindly before angling out of the truck. She offered a wave while watching him pull away, swiping a hand along her face to remove any lingering tear stains from her cheeks.

Then, with a deep breath, she started for the house, porch steps creaking lightly while she ascended them. She unlocked the door before stepping inside, leaning down to greet Loki when the mutt lumbered up.

He was in the kitchen finishing the dishes leftover from dinner, the girls and Ris had stopped by earlier...and look there was another mouth to feed around here. Old Blue had finally come home to where he belonged. He wasn't quite sure how Loki felt about the yellow Lab but Killer seemed to have accepted the older canine after a bit of initial wariness.

He put away the rest of the silverware and utensils used and then was drying his hands off on a dish towel, shutting off the kitchen light while he spilled into the living room.


"Baby?"

Uncertain for it could've been Ris returning another article left behind at the apartment across town left behind by Blue's brief sojourn into the city.

He stopped short upon the sight of her. His heart constricting in a painful way. Something...wasn't right.


"Hi," softly while she straightened from her slight bend, stepping around Loki to head closer to him.

"How are you?"

Blue was here now? She was working up the strength to tell him about Bjorn's return, using the little bit of casual everyday questions to help push her along.

His words while warmly affectionate were slightly halting as he flickered her with a glance of grey-green.

"I'm good. Just cleaning up the supper dishes from earlier. The girls and Charisma stopped by earlier to return another mouth to feed. Apparently, he was eating them out of house and home."

Giving an easy form of a grin as he offered the lazy comments. Blue hardly ate enough to keep a bird alive, he was after all getting on in years. The cowboy had grown up with the Labrador and the dog would always be his undisputed favorite.

"They stayed for supper and actually just left about a half hour ago."

"Oh? I'm sorry I missed them.."

Guilt tugged at her heartstrings and she swallowed the lump that formed in her throat, arms curving about him in a hug.

"Blue's here now?"mShe passed a glance around for the lab.

"How is he liking the other two?"

"He's adjusting. So are they. No fur flying...yet," Murmured against the shell of her ear as he pressed a warm, brushing kiss along the inner curve of her neck.

The tension was almost palpable within her frame and it seemed to have a similar effect on his earlier demeanor of lazy calm. He drew back some, holding her at arm's length while he studied her face critically. Had she been...crying?

"What's the matter, mi amore?"

He could sense these things of course, but with the reminder of saltine tracks along the curve of her cheeks, the signs really were quite hard to miss. The pad of his thumb roved along the satin skin in an infinitely tender gesture as he posed the question.

"I .. had an odd day."

Softly and she glanced up at him briefly before looking away. Okay, Shannon, you can do this.
Her hands lifted to cover his and she lead him towards the couch, settling down onto it slowly.

"I .. have something that I need to tell you, baby." And I think you better sit down for this.

He blinked and then allowed her to lead him towards the couch. Shit, this wasn't good.
He fought against the surge of panic clawing at his throat somewhere but he wouldn't let it overwhelm him before he lost the tenuous grasp on his control.

"Okaay..."

He did swallow convulsively, however. That much he could not hide, dropping onto the sofa cushions and passing her an inquiring glance.

Aw! His nervous expression had her feeling even worse, shoulders slumping slightly. She continued to hold his hand, glancing down at their tangled fingers while she tried to get her thoughts in order.

"You .. remember Bjorn? The man I was dating when you first told me about your attraction?"

The question probably seemed like it came out of nowhere, but there was a method to her madness. She slanted a brief glance up at him, before her gaze slide away -- too nervous to remain in one place.

Did he remember...Bjorn?

How could he ever forget the lion of a man that had always been at the back of his mind crowding doubts as to whether Shannon would even be with him had she had the choice of the Lion or the Cowboy.

His grey-greens narrowed into slits at the mere mention of the man who had caused the artist such unimaginable pain.

His fists clenching unconsciously at his sides, and a muscle twinging somewhere along his jaw while he indulged in an unwitting habit... grinding his teeth.

From somewhere deep inside came the dark, cooly calm voice. One that didn't seem to even belong to him. Usually warm baritone deserting him for the moment it would seem.

"Yes. I remember him."

A simple enough answer and meeting her eyes squarely with his own as though trying to detect what she was about to say before she even offered it. He had always known that perhaps the only reason she was with him was because she couldn't be with...Bjorn.

But he never gave voice to such thoughts, keeping them cloistered away tightly into that corner of his brain he refused to even acknowledge.

How dare he think such a thing! She would never date someone just because she couldn't someone else. She had truly pushed all thoughts of Bjorn out of her mind when she agreed to be the cowboy's girlfriend -- and it was such an unexpected twist of fate to have the Lion return all of a sudden.

"Well .. "

The tone of his voice made her nervous, but she figured it was to be expected. A deep breath, gaze lowering towards her lap.

"Well .. I saw him today."

Not a flicker of response from him to indicate he had heard her confession though he did seem to grow breathlessly still while he digested this bit of information.

He lifted a hand to rub down the side of his face and if a faint tremor had his fingers shaking involuntarily he covered the reaction well enough by giving a scratch to the underside of his jaw. His eyes focused on the ceiling. Unable to look at her for the moment.

Afraid of what he might see in her eyes.

Did she...still have feelings for Bjorn?
Well, he didn't know. They had hardly discussed the matter. There was a slight catch in his voice so the gravel-rough murmur was hardly more than the merest breath of sound.

"I see.." It was all he was capable of giving at the time being.

Well, it seemed that that simple confession had opened the floodgates because the rest of pouring out of her in a rush.

"I didn't mean to.. I was just at the Tavern and he was, he says he's moving back to town. I knew that he and I had issues we never resolved ..
and you know how I am about not wanting to have anyone upset with me, so I offered to talk. He ... made it clear that he still has feelings for me. But I told him about you."

She wanted to make that very clear, glancing up to him abruptly.

"I am, of course, relieved to hear that."

If everything else wasn't exactly welcomed with open arms. He could feel her eyes on him but still reguarded the high ceiling as he lifted a hand to smear down the front of his face, then the same lengths were pushing through his dark hair in a habitual form of vague irritation.

Not at her, of course.

Hell, she didn't even have to tell him about anything of this. He hoped that they wouldn't keep any secrets from one another, so he was indeed glad she had confided in him but he just couldn't seem to wrap his brain around it all.

Bjorn was back. To claim what he had so callously cast aside so many months past?

That particular strain of thoughts had him opening and closing fists that were clenched firmly at his sides. He stood to his feet, calmly and headed for the door. Not the front door, mind you, he wasn't leaving the house.

He was headed for the patio. Goddamn, he needed some fresh air.

Wrenching the sliding glass open and stepping outside with only his sweatshirt for warmth.
His feet were bare, too but he barely felt the stinging cold biting at his extremities. Numb. That was the only emotion he could feel right now.

She blinked when he stood up, nervously brushing hands along the denim fabric covering her thighs. Oh god, was he angry? She slanted a glance towards the old yellow lab -- as if Blue could tell her some answers, or what she should do. She pushed to her feet, trailing after him hesitantly.

".. Mac, it's freezing outside. You'll get sick. Come inside.."

She wrapped her arms about herself while lingering near the patio doors, not daring to step outside for fear of catching a chill.

"Bjorn.." Well, what Shannon?

"He kissed me." Softly.

But she didn't kiss him back! A voice whispered in the back of her mind, but she did her best to block out the sound.

Such a deadly silence.

"... Say something." She begged, unnerved by his silence.

Yes, he was outside, not even feeling the cold and he turned then, something dangerous glinting in that intensely colored gaze of his. Perhaps he had misheard her admission. Dark brow arching as he seared her with hardened steel and smoldering emerald.

"He...whaat?"

It was a vicious sort of growl, one he didn't even think he was capable of mustering. But then again, he had never been this righteously angry. In all his life.

She backed up instinctively at the anger in his voice, hand lifting to settle on her chest. Good lord!

" .. He kissed me."

She mumbled, glancing down towards the floor. Twice, but she didn't think it would be
a good idea to mention that. The damage had already been done! He was so angry.

She had never seen him like this!

She would be regretting right about now her pushing him to speak.
Would she? Oh dear.

"There's more, isn't there? What...he wants you back now, I suppose?"

And I'm just supposed to hand you over.Like fuck, he would.

Hey. She was not just some toy to be handed back and forth! Ahem.

".. That's the gist of it."

Well, minus that fact that he still loved her and wanted her for himself -- but that was a minor detail!

No, quite to the contrary that was a major detail. And by her leaving out that crucial bit of information the flicker of suspicion in his fiery gaze had him stalking back inside, barely bothering to give the door a slam shut, the metal rattling within its hinges.

The hell! Of course, he was pissed. Anyone in his position would be intent on pounding the man into a bloody pulp about right now, wouldn't they? He was intuitive and could read her mannerisms quite well, even if so much of her was left a mystery to him.

He wasn't getting the whole story here. Fine.
He wouldn't push.

He paused long enough to gather up his keys from the coffee table and then was ripping his leather jacket from the coat rack near the door, shrugging into it while flickering her a contemplative glance.

No anger at her, though he was sure she had done nothing to invite such advances.

No, but he needed to get...out.

Gruffly. "I just can't...be around you, right now."

No, it wasn't an accusation of wrong doing on her part...but maybe on some level he had always known that this would happen one day. The very thing he had dreaded had come to pass.

Bjorn was...back.

"I'm going out for awhile. Don't wait up.
We'll discuss this further...later."

"..What are you doing?"

Wide eyed, turning to follow him back into the living room. Ouch. The sting of his words could be seen in the flash of her eyes, before she turned her head to look away.

So, this was how it was going to be? He .. didn't want to look at her.

And yes, it was a major detail .. but she didn't want to hurt him. Foolishly, she thought it would be better if he didn't know the full story.

"Oh. Be.. careful."

For lack of anything more to say. She felt very empty all of a sudden, back pedaling to sink down onto the couch. Shit, she was going to cry again.

"Maybe to the tavern, maybe to visit my sisters. I just...need to be alone right now."

Then he was adding on the treasured admission as though it was little more than an afterthought as he let himself outside.

"Love you." And then he was shutting the front door with slightly more force than he had intended.

She jumped at the slam, curling into a ball on the couch once he was gone. She hadn't even been given a chance to return the sentiment!

She definitely started crying once more, a hand lowering to brush fingers through Loki's fur. Well, at least she had the dogs to see her through.

But...he did know the full story, somewhere deep within his tortured heart. Bjorn loved her and wanted her back.

And ...she didn't even have the courage (or the decency?) to even tell him.

Well.. she thought she was protecting him! She wasn't perfect, you know.

The rumble of an engine shattered the silence of the night and then with a shower of gravel he was backing out of the drive at a breakneck pace. The need to get away prevalent in his blood.

Yes, protecting him now but it would only end up hurting him later, wasn't that the way it always went?

Twin beams of headlights were cutting through the pitch blackness of the night and he was driving with an unknown destination.

Perhaps, he shouldn't have been behind the wheel when he was so angry, but the tavern wasn't that far, if that should end up being his point b from a. Maybe he would just drive all night...and think.

One thing was for certain, it would be many hours before he finally let himself back into the house and then he just sat in the gathering darkness, slumping down onto the couch and burying his head within his hands.


[img]graemlins/broken_heart.gif[/img]

<font color="#996600" size="1">[ November 09, 2004 10:18 PM: Message edited by: Roping the Wind ]</font>

[Roping the Wind]

Shit, oh shit. God, why are you doing this to me? If it wasn't bad enough that I was in turmoil before with the whole Bjorn issue, it's nothing compared to the agony that pricks me so deeply from within now at this unexpected shift in the winds of fate.

Lilly.

I don't even know what to think anymore, what to feel. If I thought I was numb before any of this newly unfolding drama I was wrong. I'm absolutely hollow. I doubt my capacity to bleed at the moment as I would sincerely doubt any life's blood to still rush within my cold and withered veins.

Her father's dead, Journal. Passed away for several months, or so she confessed. The one mitigating circumstance that had been the driving force in keeping the two of us apart in a past streaked with so many watercolor memories, it's only a distant brushstroke in the blindingly blank canvas of my desolately empty mind.

Christ. Fuck, I do not need this right now!
Damn her. Damn her to hell. For everything she's done. For turning up as though it were no big deal after all this time. For using my name in that huskily familiar way. And God help me, for looking even more beautiful than I could ever hope to remember.

I can't write any further at this time, Journal as that would require remaining still to accomplish it and there is a restlessness that fills me tonight like an unwelcome wanderlust for a time long since past. A future that never was. Damn her! And damn me to hell for still feeling a twinge in my gut at the very sight of her.

Oh, God, What am I gonna do, now?
[img]graemlins/wilted.gif[/img]

<font color="#996600" size="1">[ November 11, 2004 03:51 AM: Message edited by: Roping the Wind ]</font>

[Roping the Wind]

She had, of course, called the cowboy to let him know why she had spent the night at Sin's -- he was so lonely without Tir around. Of course, on some level.. it felt safe to be in the guest room, considering how things ended during her last talk with Mac.

As it as, she was returning to the ranch because she needed to get a few things .. and talk to the cowboy. First came doggy loving though, so she had to pet all of the pups when she entered the house before looking around for the cowboy. "Mac?"

Despite the canine companions, the house had seemed unbearably empty with just himself rattling around at the ranch. He didn't realise how much he had grown accustomed to Shannon's presence in the past few months. And even when she was gone, the scent of her lingered.

Everywhere he would look. Cushions on the sofa fragranced with the traces of her perfume. The bathroom with all that frilly girl stuff. Body washes, shampoos and the bubble bath she tended to favor. But most of all, her pillow, next to his own. The very same he had slept with curled in his arms. Where he finally let all the walls crumble. While he cried.

But he would've never admitted that. He was feeling so confused about it all, really. And hearing her key in the door, the familiar sound of her voice had him emerging from the bedroom to push down the hallway, so slowly, as though in a dream. "I'm here."

Letting her know, since he was taking his time making his way towards the living room.

She didn't have a key! Or at least, she didn't remember him ever giving her one. She had just opened the door since it was unlocked. She left her purse on the side table near the door, heading for the hallway when she heard his
Painted Facades: voice. It was funny how much stuff had been left at his house, considering she still techincally lived in her apartment.

"Hey .. How're you?" Pausing in the hallway when she spotted him, almost hesitant.

"I'm...okay. You?"

Look, he even summoned up a crooked smile. Even if it faltered slightly before melting away from the curve of his mouth. Shift of grey-green taking in her features, studying her. Much like he had done in the earliest time of their relationship.

Back when they wanted to memorize every single detail to commit to memory. He would have to store up a lifetime of memories to tide him over while she was away, wouldn't he? Really, it was quite a sage thing to do, it would seem.

He wanted to pull her into his arms, to whisper that he loved her, that he understood (her need to smooth things over with her past) that he wasn't angry with her. It was a private hell of his own design, this insecurity he felt towards the one man he had known in the back of his mind had the capacity to steal his life away.

Because, in essence, Shannon was his entire universe. More than tangled hearts, their souls (or so he had always thought) were entwined as completely as though one single entity.

And that was what scared her, to be honest. She was aware of how much he loved her, how much he depended on her .. and she wondered if he loved her too much. It reminded her of her ex-husband, but that was a thought she didn't want to focus on for very long, so she pushed it aside.

"I'm .. a little tired." She shrugged, studying him thoughtfully before glancing towards the bedroom door.

"I just needed to pick up some of my stuff." Softly. She glanced back to him, offering a small smile.

"I'm glad you're okay." That you didn't end up in a car wreck that night.

He had never depended on anyone in his life. It had been a complete learning experience for him. All of this. Any of it. But he had functioned somehow (hollowly) before the southern belle entered his life. Certainly, he could ...manage again..somehow. Without her...if that was the decision she ended up making. He almost felt as though he had to ask permission.

"Spare a hug?" Because I really need to feel you in my arms right now. I missed you.

It wasn't that she didn't want him to depend on her! She was just wary of being someone's life, because Sutton had made it clear that his only reason for trying to live (while they were married) had been her. It was .. a lot of pressure.

A twitch of a smile for his request and she stepped closer before wrapping her arms about him.

"Sure." Please don't hate me --
I just can't let you see me break down.


I could never hate you. As though he could read her thoughts, he was echoing his own as he folded his arms around her. She..needed to do what was best for her at the moment. And if that involved...some time apart. Perhaps that was best. It would give them both a chance to clear their heads.

She did need time apart, and she thought that he did too. Perhaps it would help them both get some perspective and find out what to do next.

"I'm .. going to be stayin' with Sin for a few days. I need to clear my head." Softly, and she was studying the fabric of his shirt intently while speaking. She was afraid to look up at him, in case he was about to get upset.

"I think that's a good idea, mi bella luca.." See, he was surprising them both by agreeing readily. In all actuality, he found he needed the time to sort through his own turbulent sea of emotions.

"Sin's a good guy. And I'm sure he is ecstatic about having you as a houseguest. But I surely would miss being invited to that slumber party." Even tossing out a careless jest to lighten up the mood, his roguish grin was there..but somewhat more subdued than usual.
More on the self-deprecating side.

She was surprised that he had agreed, startled blues snapping up to focus on him.

"..Yea, I think we both need time to think."
And Bjorn probably did too.

"Sin's pleased, yes. Tir is away on business right now and he needs company."

Softly an she tipped her head slightly. "Because of his ... less then legal work his address is a secret -- I don't even know it to be honest, so if you need me, just call my phone. Okay?"

She had promised Sin she wouldn't tell a soul about his secret hideaway, and she was going to keep that promise.

"If I need you? I'll always both need and love you, baby." You can handle this, Mackenzy. She would just be a phone call away. And never far from his thoughts.

He punctuated his ferverent words with another squeeze of his arms, then he was disentangling to allow her to do whatever she...needed to do. Gather her things and excuse him if he didn't watch. If she looked too closely she might see he was barely holding it together as it was, and his bravado was fraying miserably at the seams.

She sighed slightly at his fervent words, because in her highly emotional state .. it almost wasn't helping her keep ahold of her sanity.

"I love you too." Softly, and she stepped back when he released her, raking fingers through dark curls. The scent of nicotine was faint, but it still clung to her skin. She had taken up smoking again it seemed -- or she had spent time around smokers, like Sin.

"Do .. you want Loki to stay, or should I take him with me?" If the dog would upset him she would be happy to take him, but maybe Loki's presence would help.

"He seems well adjusted, now. I'd like his company, if that's alright."
Anything that was dear to the artist would be a much needed reminder in her absence. He wasn't upset by any of it really. He was...terrified. Just as she was. But his was even more justifiable. He wasn't the one with a very heavy decision to ...make.

"I think he'd be happier here.. Sin's house is full of cats."

A hint of a smile, trying to lighten the mood before she ducked into the bedroom to begin packing up her things. Yes, he had every right to be afraid .. she was fighting her own fears, and the weight of knowing she was going to break someone's heart, either Bjorn's, his, or her own. This was a no win situation.

That was where the anger had stemmed from the other night. Out of sheer...terror. Fear of losing her. Just as he had always imagined would happen. And by.. who else? But Bjorn.

"I love you, Shannon." Whispered almost to himself in a low cadence of sound. Whatever happens. I love you. He was tortured himself in some ways, news from home having reached him recently in the form of a registered letter. Unbeknownst to the artist, part of his fear stemmed from a ghost of his own past, seeming to materialise out of nowhere.

So, he knew exactly what she was going through at the moment. Though he had no decision to make. It would always be Shannon every single time.

She was completely unaware of his ghosts, since he hadn't even confided in her about his brother's latest antics and so forth. It didn't take long for her to pack up her bag, since most of her things had been set up in the bag anyways. She took a deep breath, studying the bedroom for a long moment before stepping back out into the hallway. "Well .. um." She didn't know what to say.

But he did. "Take care of yourself, baby." And he was leaning to brush a chaste kiss along the angle of her mouth. "I'll call you, tomorrow?" Grey-green focusing on mediterranean blue.


She returned the kiss, although there was an air of distraction clinging to her. ".. Why don't you like dancing?" Abruptly. Blues studying grey-greens intently.

"...Um.."
Then..he laughed.

Yes, because that randomness of hers always seemed to tickle him. It was the one quirk he found inordinately endearing.

"My mother used to force me to take ballroom dancing as a boy, and girls used to always step all over my feet." It wasn't clear whether this was truth or just something fabricated to have her on her way.

He grinned then, a lopsided creation that caused his eyes to crinkle slightly at the corners.
"I do like dancing. It depends on the partner. I could do it all night with you, mi fiore bella." Hopefully, it was an answer that met with her approval.

Actually .. it wasn't randomness. It was all part of her weighing the pros and cons about him and Bjorn. She didn't mind the fact that he never took her dancing -- but she did miss dancing. It was her way of releasing, of escaping.

"..Oh." She blinked for the answer, thoughtful for a moment before nodding.
"Right. Well, I'll talk to you soon, dove."

"Love you." Seeing her to the door and just wanting to offer the admittance one last time before she took her leave.

She nodded, offering a flicker of a smile. "Love you too." And with that she was slipping out the door, before it got too hard. She smoothed a hand over her brow while heading for the parked Honda.

He trickled onto the porch, rubbing at the sleeves of his sweater, as he hadn't bothered to throw on his jacket. He was going right back inside, anyways. Needing it would seem to watch her progress along the winding drive.

He lifted a hand in a vague wave when she reached the vehicle and Killer wandered on outside to poke his furry head through the slats in the railing after the departing belle before flickering a forlorn sable glance towards the cowboy and offering a plaintive whimper.

"Don't worry, boy. She's...coming back."

Though whether he said this to console himself or the pomeranian would be left for further speculation later on into the evening.

She discreetly wiped at her eyes while unlocking the car, offering a faint smile and a wave before angling in on the drivers side. She took a deep breath, starting the engine and finally beginning to drive off down the gravel drive. She could cry now .. since there was no one else in the car to see her break down.

[Roping the Wind]

The sleek town car pulled up to the curb of the tavern and the driver hurried to open the door near the back and a stocking clad leg would slide from the vehicle, a shoe making contact with the pavemnt that should've been registered as some deadly form of weapon for the sharpness of the spiked heel.

Curvy figure caressed in silk was standing near the car. "Ah should be ready ta go in an hour." Heavy was that southern accent, but what would one expect from a debutant from Texas?

The driver nodded and reached inside to grab the valour shawl so that he could drape it about her shoulders. Cherry kissed lips curved into a smile and a gloved hand made use of it's self as it found it's way into sun kissed layers. Flipping the cascading mass up, she enabled the man to straighten the material so that not even a hint of a wrinkle would be seen.

Without another word, gracefulness defined had that curvy form heading towards the steps. Eyes the color of gray twilight managed to peer out under the long length of lashes as she glanced up to the crowd of people on the porch.

Mackenzy was out on the city streets tonight, deeming it necessary to find solace in the crisp night air. Two leashes were wrapped around the heel of his hand, one attatched to an Irish wolfhound and the other a fluffball of pomeranian.

He stiffened upon catching the willowy figure emerge from the sleek town car but then gave a mental shake of his dark head. She's not here, cowboy. A long distant memory.

Maybe it was his mind playing tricks on him, but the wind had chosen the perfect opportunity to send a breeze filled with lavender his way. Yes, she trailed the scent behind her everywhere she went, it was the reason her name was compared to the flower. Chin was held in that perfect tilt, as if an imaginary book were being balanced atop her head.

Oh bother! Was there a fight going on? A pause on the second step was given as she debated turning around and calling Miguel on her little silver phone. The debutant didn't want to be witness to any bruising or bleeding thankyouverramuch.


Something about the way the woman had carried herself with an understated elegance still had him pausing in uncertainty while he pushed his free hand through disheveled shards of onyx. Christ, he was so stressed he was seeing things, now. Get a grip, Mack.

He wandered a bit further along the street dropping down onto a bench with a good view of the front of the tavern. Killer gave sharp yip yap just for the joy of it and Loki merely snorted his disdain for the shrill noise, adopting a lazy pose against the bench where the cowboy reclined.

A familiar scent stained the air, so faint he almost would not have not detected it and the tumultuous memories that fragrance stirred were not pleasant in the least. Curl of his mouth at a downward angle and he leaned forward, elbows on his knees to allow that dark head to fall forward.

Too many thoughts battled for his attention tonight, a static buzzing in annoying fashion in the fuzzy reception of his brain. His earlier conversation with Shannon. Their need for time apart. And of course, the appearance of a tempest that was a certain Lion.

Perhaps he could take er to a different place, as she had been craving social entertainment. Stepping back, one of those heels caught in an unseen crack and she very nearly stumbled. Years of practice had her make it look as if she meant to do that little dip as if she were ducking under an unseen spider's web.

Casting a look about the grounds, she winced at the idea of getting her newest addition to her shoe collection dirty and hopefull greys looked about for a willing person to aid a damsel in distress.

A glance over her shoulder had that twilight gaze landing on the form seated on the bench not far away. Through the sheen of silken strands, she could barely make out the features, but what she did see (because of excellent eyesight of course) was enough to let her know exactly who it was sitting there. It was as if the cowboy knew she was looking as their gazes met and locked over the distance that seperated them.

Everything seemed to stop in that instant as a familiar jolt of electricity raced down her spine. She hadn't expected to run into him, in fact, she had done anything and everything to keep her recent arrival a secret. She knew the man usualy went to bed early so what in the blue blazes was he doing here at this hour?


Grey-greens swept towards the woman in distress and he could hardly be gallant in tow of two canines, but he could offer some form of assistance. The miss seemed to be in quite a predicament.

"Here, allow me." Rumbled low and his face was in half shadow with the wide brim of the dark stetson. Whiskey and leather clinged to the cowboy like a second skin and when he
leaned to rescue the shoe from the crevice in the walk, he seemed to stiffen slightly as the scent she wore registered some discordant rhythm somewhere inside. It can't be.


"Ah do believe it's stuck." Stating the obvious and not able to say anything more than that, she cleared her throat and managed to maintain that regal pose even if she were standing on only one heel.


Recovering smoothly enough, that bravado drawn about him like a comforting cloak of protection. Hardened steel and fiery emerald narrowed to faint slits as that gaze became lidded, as though unconsciously putting up defenses against something potentially dangerous.

His voice. Cooly indifferent, controlled. Even if every other nerve ending was reasonably jostled...bigtime.

"Lillian." Such a deadly silence followed the monosyllabic and sterile greeting.

Dangerous? She was the picture of elegant innocence with that button shaped nose and those begging to be kissed lips. "Mackenzy." His name rolled off her tongue as if she had spoken it every day when in fact, she had done her best to avoid even hearing a name remotely close to sounding like it. A bejeweled hand was held out, palm up, to accept the shoe from his clutches. He could stomp about and scream to the heavens, but if he hurt that piece of expensive leather, they were going to go a round or two, silk armani be damned.

Gallantly enough once he reguarded the extracted heel within his work-roughened palms, he was just as easily sliding it onto her foot. Note how he made every purposeful intention of touching nothing else but the piece of footwear.

Well well..Who would have thought that the cowboy had known how to put a shoe on anything else but horses? Thankful that those fingers hadn't brushed stocking clad skin, she dropped her foot away from him as soon as the shoe was on.

Okay, so he couldn't hold the fury back any longer if the vein throbbing near his temple thunderously was any indication of his rapidly growing anger.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

He had every reason to be pissed beyond all get out and made no bones about letting it show. His fists clenching at his sides as though fighting some urge to start hitting...something. And the cowboy wasn't the violent type either.

Chin lifted in that regal pose and for a moment, it looked as if she were posing for a photo shoot. When he lost that valiant and desperate hold of his control, that twilight gaze widened, but that was it. For all anyone else knew, she was having a polite conversation, even if the man was saying vile things.

"Ah do believe this is a free country Mackenzy, and Ah've got reason to be here."

What that reason was, she didn't and wouldn't tell him as it was none of his damn business. Manacured nails were sent into the pocket of her suit jacket and out came that little cell phone. "One thing Ah do know is Ah do not have to stand by and listen ta this foulness."

That's it Lilly, make him think that his fury does nothing to you. She had to do something to keep herself from babbling like a flooded creek bed.

"Cut the bullshit, Lilly," He growled and wasted no time in using that nickname of long ago.

A faint muscle flexed within his jaw as he leaned over to pick up Killer almost as though
to create more distance between them.

Then he was continuing on, as though she hadn't even spoken. "How many years has it been? I haven't seen nor heard word of you since the night before our ..." Wedding.
The one that never was.


The sophisticated piece of telephone technology was lifted to her lips and she spoke one word into it, completely ignoring him and the question he asked. "Car." Hopefully Miguel had not gotten to far so she wouldn't have to stand here much longer.

"It's jus' like you to think Ah've come back here to talk with you."

He wanted distance? Well, those heels were leading her down the sidewalk towards the street so that twilight grays could look anxiously about for the familiar glow of headlights. Sliding the cellphone back into her pocket, she folded her arms across her chest, pulling the material of the expencive shawl more protectively about her.

"Running away, again, Lilly? Fine.You're know how to do it best, don't you?"

Such a dangerous growl staining that rough baritone. Right about now he was regretting his desire for fresh air.


Delicate hands fisted at her sides and without warning, she spun about in a fury. Hooded gaze narrowed on the cowboy and she stalked back to him as a slender finger rose to poke against his chest.

"Would you rather me say that Ah'm here ta right a wrong? That Ah expect you to be happy ta see me?" Her small form shook as anger surged through her.

"Ah can't say that Mackenzy. Ah honestly don't know why Ah'm here, so therefore how do you expect me ta explain it ta you?" Her chest rose and fell in rapid succession with each quick breath she took. How long was it going to take for that damn car to arrive?

Killer was held firmly against his chest acting as a puppy shield to ward off those fingers and he was glad for that. He didn't want her...touching him.

Wearily. "What does you father have to say in all this?"

Damn his curiosity for even posing the question. He had after all been the main factor in keeping them apart. All those years into the past. ...And he had been nothing but an idle distraction, something to really enflame the old man's temper, knowing full well a simple cowboy would never be good enough for his precious only daughter.

The pup squirmed to be free and he leaned to set Killer back onto the ground where he nosed back to where Loki lay near the bench, quite unconcerned with the unfolding drama.

"Ah wouldn't know..Ma father passed away seven months ago." Not a single tear would form to follow those words. The day her father died was the day that Lilly had been reborn, sad to say.

"And don't go givin' me no sympathy Mackenzy Cord, he was a mean sonofabitch and you know it."

The roar of an engine heading up the street had her gaze shifting over her shoulder briefly.

He couldn't argue with such logic and barely blinked an eye at her admission.

That sleek black car rolled to a stop at the curb and she resisted the urge to run towards it. She hadn't expected him to say anything, in fact, she was glad he hadn't. Nodding to the driver who had climbed out to open the back door, her gaze returned to level on the cowboy.

"Ah do believe that's my ride. Do have a nice night Mackenzy." She was perfectly willing to consider the conversation ended at this point.

He, of all people, should know how much she detested arguing, especially over matters that shouldn't be discussed in public.

"Fuck you." ..My, my. This...couldn't possibly be the same old cowboy that had been so besotted with her in the past he couldn't even see straight, could it?

He bristled slightly at the sound of his name dripping from her lips and then was scooping up Killer and clucking his tongue at Loki to get him to his feet as well. He was ready to head back home and forget any of this ever happened.

Like he needed any more drama in his life right now! Give a guy a damned break.

He stalked off down the street unaware of anything else at the moment but the blind rage that surged this his blood like quick silver. And damn him, he passed a glance over his shoulder after hesitating a tortured heartbeat to watch the sleek town car pull away from the curb. Fuggin Christ.

She winced at that harshly retorted comment, but recovery was the name of the game in the life of social elegance. The window slid up to conceal any more of her features and that suited her just fine as she wouldn't want anyone to see the tortured glint within twilight grays.

An undisclosed address would be the direction the towncar headed as the driver steered the sleek auto through the city streets. No matter how many debutant balls she had atteneded, and no matter how many gatherings she had played social butterfly at, this was by far the hardest comeout she had ever been put through. Her teachers would have been proud to witness the control she had over her emotions.

Confident that he was none the wiser, she rested her head against the seat back and waited for the car to stop so that she could run inside and bury herself beneath the covers.

Really, had she really been expecting him to welcome the sight of her after all this time with open arms? Hell, no. He was visibly shaken to his core and rounding the rest of the way down the street, dogs trailing in stunned bewilderment.

Even the pom was suspiciously silent. The boys could sense the deadly tension. And it would be many hours until the cowboy had calmed himself sufficiently to finally start on home.

[Roping the Wind]

His hands were shaking as he dialed the numbers for the artist's cell, and it was sheer torture waiting for her voice mail to finally kick in.

His words weren't as badly slurred as they had
been earlier on in the afternoon. Several cups of strong black coffee had helped with his inebriation. He just needed some form of an escape...from all of it.


"Baby? I --" Well, what Mac? .My ex fiancee is in town. And I'm going away with her to Texas but don't worry because it's strictly business? For some reason that didn't seem to set well with him.

"I need to leave town on business sometime next week. Um, a client," That was once my would-be wife. "Wants me to fly down to Texas to inspect a good number of horses she has recently acquired. I, uh..err...just wanted to call you and let you know so you wouldn't worry should you stop by," To check on how I'm doing without you. "And you didn't see my car in the drive."

A beat up pick up truck had replaced the equally battered Jeep that had been demolished months back in a memory he cared not to remember.

Such a lengthy pause. He couldn't just nottell her who exactly he had entered into a business arrangement with, but he couldn't seem to bring himself to tell her over the phone either. He needed to do this face to face.
Just as she had given him the same courtesy when she had told him of Bjorn.

"...I'll call again later, mi bella luca I can't discuss it much further at the moment."

Because he was on a pay phone outside of the restaurant he had met the girls at for dinner and there was an angry biker guy banging on the glass of the booth. Ack.

Where was common decency these days, really? Such a bizarre world it was that we lived in these days.

"I love you, Shannon." He breathed into the receiver in low rumbled and then he hung up.

"Fine. Fine! S'all yours buddy. Knock yourself out." Grumbled at the insistence of Mr. Leather Freak but he wasn't sticking around to see how his retort had been accepted the man didn't look very friendly and had several menacing tattoos.

An auburn head poked out from the waiting room as his baby sis piped up words of encouragement when the cowboy let himself back into the upscale bistro.

"Kenz? Everything alright? They just called our table. C'mon, let's eat. I'm starviiiiiing!"
The dramatics had him surmising the monologue had been offered by the younger twin, Dee.

"What's good here, anyways?" Idle comment as he allowed himself to be hauled away.

Please, God. Just a few hours of respite to not think. That's all I want.



And dinner progressed smoothly without any further incidents.


[img]graemlins/phone.gif[/img]

<font color="#996600" size="1">[ November 11, 2004 07:50 PM: Message edited by: Roping the Wind ]</font>

[Roping the Wind]

At the tone he spoke hurriedly but not in an agitated fashion, quite the opposite.
Anxious. Eager, yes. But out of the sheer need to make her understand.
There was so much to tell, but he could only start with the most pressing matters.

"Shan, baby? God, I'm sorry. Mi cosi bellisima amore..."

His voice warm and soothing poured out into that receiver of his cell phone, his sincerity
apparent in the way that whiskeyed baritione seemed to caress that foreign lyricism of an
all too familiar endearment he had grown so accustomed to feel tripping from his tongue.

"Ti amo, mi bella luca. With all my heart, baby," His voice lowered an octave and his tone more insistent as he rumbled over the intense words.

"I'm not going to Texas, baby. I said no," Not because I thought I couldn't trust myself around her but because I can't trust myself away from you. I'd miss you.

"Mi amore, Can I see you tonight? Shannon, baby. I don't love her. I never did. I realise that now. Aww, baby..all that was just preparation for my heart to be loved by you."

He took a deep breath then not wanting to leave any stone unturned as long as he was
admitting things.

"Shannon, I'm still going to offer my assistance to help her sell off the remaining horseflesh her Father left her as an inheritance. I can't pass up such a profitable business venture.
I'm getting something out of it too, the best mare and stud money can buy...for free in
compensation for my efforts. Please try to understand baby, she means nothing to me."

It's always been you, Shan. The minute pause seemed to say.

"I talked to Sin earlier today. He was concerned about how I was holding up. He's a great guy, sweets, I'm so glad that he's taking care of you during this time when you most need
a shoulder to lean on. Paige questioned me earlier today at the tavern but I didn't offer much in the way of an answer, just that I haven't been sleeping well. And I haven't, baby.

I miss you so much. I miss the scent of your shampoo when I lean in for a kiss.
The way you hog the sink in the morning fussing with your hair when I'm trying to brush my teeth. I miss your laughter, baby. I miss your tears. I miss the way you cry at sappy telephone ad commercials. I miss the way you fit so perfectly in my arms as I fall asleep.

I miss the way you tease me when I know I'm being a dope about certain things.
Like dancing. Baby, I'll dance a million marathons with you if it were to mean that you would be my permanent dance partner. Oh, God, baby. I know I'm rambling and I'm about to be caught off..."

He wound up the garbled message before the resounding tone did it for him.

"I love you, Shannon. And all the things that make up who you are. No matter what...
remember that, mi amore. I could never express how much you mean to me."

And then he was cut off.

He simply stared at the phone within his open palm and then slowly flipped it shut.
Turning up the collar of his leather jacket against the biting chill in the night air and heading towards some unknown destination. In all likelihood...the tavern.

Feeling the need to be a part of humanity as the house seemed so very empty with only himself and three dogs to occupy walls that once were filled with love and laughter.


[img]graemlins/idea.gif[/img]

[Roping the Wind]

Hello, good morning, how you do?
What makes your rising sun so new?
I could use a fresh beginning too
All of my regrets are nothing new
So this is the way that I say I need You
This is the way that I'm

Learning to breathe
I'm learning to crawl
I'm finding that You and You alone can break my fall
I'm living again, awake and alive
I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies

Hello, good morning, how you been?
Yesterday left my head kicked in
I never, never thought that
I would fall like that
Never knew that I could hurt this bad

So this is the way I say I need You
This is the way that I say I love You
This is the way that I say I'm Yours
This is the way, this is the way

(Lyrics are Switchfoot)




<font color="#996600" size="1">[ November 13, 2004 01:32 AM: Message edited by: Roping the Wind ]</font>

[Roping the Wind]

It was a beautiful let down
when I crashed and burned
when I found myself alone unknown and hurt
It was a beautiful let down
The day I knew
That all the riches this world had to offer me
Would never do


It was a beautiful let down
When you found me here
Yeah for once in a blue moon
I see everything clear
I'll be a beautiful let down
That's what i'll forever be
And though it may cost my soul
I'll sing for free
We're still chasin our tails and the rising sun
In our dark water planet
Still spins in a race
Where no one wins and no one's one


We are a beautiful let down,
Painfully uncool,
The church of the dropouts
And losers and sinners and failures and the fools
Oh what a beautiful let down
Are we salt in the wound
Let us sing one true tune


(Switchfoot)