shiva.

[killjoyed]

the apartment zoo was waking up, stirring to life with a furious shake of fur and scale, ready to torment the humans who lived in the cubicle rooms with the broken doors that could be squeezed under or nosed into. there was a lump of something with fire-red hair in shiva's bedroom underneath a pile of empty beer cans, trying to pull her own t-shirt across a bony ribcage.

"mmhhph." caroused in the weight of dreamclouds and drug haze, the goddess of filth twitched a foot, a cascade of cheap aluminum falling free.

shep's girl-ferret had squeezed her ratty length underneath the door, watching the ordeal with twitchy nose and frightful feet, forever spooked by her own shadow. the beast pattered over to the human waste of space, picking a foot, the shoe still on it, laceless converse all-stars with threaded fringe around the holes in the canvas. when she attacked it was all claws and teeth, tiny growls that came buried from the inside of her stomach, squeals and honks that excited the rest of the mammals in the place. shiva came hollering awake, the excess in choice cans of beer (those must've been nick's, because shep would suck 'em dry) dripping over her arms, legs, face and hair.

"go 'way! go 'way! you fucking disgusting little shit!" she kicked at the ferret, catching her in the side and pushing her into the doorless closet, the weasel bouncing from a pile of semi-clean clothes and squeezing back under the door. "you pest! go shit in the corner of the kitchen or something!"

"her name is kakia! you hurt her feelings..." shep's voice came cackling from the living room, no doubt his mouth a maw of teeth, laughing at her.

"you're crazy." shiva threw the last pabst can off of her and sat upright on her mattress on the floor, pushing both palms behind her as she creaked to her feet. without too much stumbling she made it to her door, opening it up and emerging from the cave into the open world of bad lighting and living room ruckus. "why'd you guys pile beers on me? that fucking sucks. your ferret shits everywhere!" she waved a wild arm at the corner by her bedroom door and the start of the adjacent room, eyes bugging out of her skull as she glared towards her roomate. "..it's gross man, unsanitary. i'm calling the fucking health department on you. i'm sure they'd like to see mounds of ferret shit on the ground, like an episode of one of those goddamned animal rescue shows."

"oh, yeah? i'll tell 'em about your rattlesnake. that's a ten thousand dol --"

but shiva came screeching at him tooth and nail, knees into his lap and fists at his chest, hitting his shoulders and arms with a frenzy of red hair and fierce brown eyes, knobby elbows waving like chickenbone.

"you take my snake and i'll kill you! i'll string your little neck up with the tv cable and shove you out the window!" there was a slam above their heads from next door, bouncing the flaking drywall onto the nest of shep's hair, blackblue and greased with scalp oil.

"okay okay!" he whimpered and pawed her away, milquetoast eyes wide as he shifted uncomfortably on the couch, opening up the bottle of raspberry boone's farm he was clutching in one whitewalled fist. "jeez. you don't hafta get so freaked, i was just fuckin' with you. whatever. i'll clean it."

"sure." she flopped into her corner, sprawling with both legs propped up onto the coffee table, knocking off a pile of stolen bar coasters and a few nail clippings. they sat in the silence of the television, jerry springer glory, shiva lighting them both cigarettes and passing him one. from the top of the cushion, the girl-ferret had slid down and found the crook of the street rat's hip, digging her head down into her new bed.

[killjoyed]

<center></center>

[killjoyed]

"i don't care if you're family!" she screamed until the back of her brain vibrated, heaves of red hair falling over her shoulders, the veins splitting through her skin.

"you need me!" he bawled in the collapse of the doorway, bleeding finger hooked into the splintering hole where the knob should be, slumped with his cornflower blue eyes glazed and rank.

"no i don't need you -- i don't need you, i don't need anything, i don't need this fucking apartment or this fucking food, i don't need this fucking toaster, this fucking micro!" she went flinging around the kitchen, barrelling down each item cursed with a set of pale-palmed hands, slipping along the cracking linoleum in her own frenzy.

shep came screaming to his feet, a mechanized piece of flesh with grappling hooks and a bansaw sneer, fingers grabbing onto the sides of her hair as he pushed the back of her head into the front of the refrigerator, spilling snot and tears over her face and t-shirt as he lurched forward, smothering himself against her. "i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'll stop, i promise, j-just trust me..."

his staggering breath came in asthmatic wheezes, drilling to the core of his lungs and closing his throat. as he fell to hug her ankles, she stared blindly at the gouges in his wrists, red paste smeared like a dying animal dragged itself down the length of her jeans. "...always." she whispered and sank down to the floor, fingers touching the hunch of his rattling spine, comforting the depression in a pool of his own dwindling life.

and christ, someone was ringing the doorbell.

<font color="#000000" size="1">[ July 10, 2008 08:52 PM: Message edited by: killjoyed ]</font>

[killjoyed]

they had taken her no-good shoelaces, her belt, rings, piercings, safety pins holding the holes in her shirt and jeans together; her life in her pockets, memories on her wrists and neck. they would've done the same to the other girl if she was wearing more than a fuck-me outfit, and the goddess considered her lucky.

"i know a cop!" shiva hollered through the food tray slot in the holding cell, squirming her fingers through to hook around the painted metal. "lemme out, lemme call her!"

"shut uuuuuuup," groaned the lingerie girl on the bench, clawing both hands at the methsores on her face before shoving greasy fistfuls of blonde hair aside, skewered bits sticking up by the sides of her head. "you think they give a shit? they're never gonna fuckin' let you out if you keep screaming that way, so shut the fuck up."

"okay." was a whisper, translating sewer rat trashtalk into words, her spine cracking straight as she stood upright. the nuthouse florescent's above sent a sick light onto her, curving in the hollows of her cheeks and turning the skin pale, spotlighting junkie eyes. "this fuckin' sucks. if i have to drink one more glass of powdered milk i'm gonna spew all over this shit, on the fuckin' walls." shiva scowled fierce, knotting spindly arms across a near titless chest, walking the few feet over to the blonde girl, the tongues of her shoes lapping at the front of her feet like an exhausted dog.

"so what'd you do, huh?" leering over her, the halfbreed tore at the remaining bit of a thumbnail.

"fuckin' wrecked my car, then ditched it on the side of the road."

"what the fuck? how come you're dressed like that?"

"my boyfriend and i were coming back from a party, a lingerie party. see?" she squeezed her eyes shut and started laughing, her tongue white and cracked. she flipped out a card from her left breast, handing it to shiva. "they didn't find it when they searched me, i was like, what the fuck do you think i have...? look at me, bitch! i'm wearin' fuckin' nuthin'!"

the card was obscenely yellow, torn around the edges with a drawing of a zophtic woman riding her mate reverse cowgirl. at the bottom, the card read "pushin' from the back." shiva curled her upper lip in a sneer, gummy eyes casting back to miss fuck.

"it's like, that was my position for the night." she shifted against the cement brick wall, taking the card back as shiva handed it to her, shoving it back next to her boob. "but i didn't even get to get laid, just went to fuckin' jail instead. i don't know how the cops even found me, shit!" she wailed, knocking her head backwards.

"whaddayah mean you dunno how they found yah! you're wearin' fuckin' pink and black lingerie! i saw you when you came in, your ass was hangin' outta your fuckin' panties." the clumsy junkie was suddenly chastising, throwing a hand up in the air at her, palm open. "lookit you!"

"yeah, no shit. it's gonna be humiliating when they release me." the dirty blonde stared at the floor, raising a hand to fiddle with a lone teddy strap hanging from her top. "i'm so fucked."

"at least they gave you sweatpants to wear, even if it does make you look like some crackhead ballerina," shiva offered. "with your six-inch skirt all over everything." she shrugged as she sat down in the opposite corner, head against the cell's glass with legs in an open, unladylike sprawl. "my fuckin' titties are all fuckin' showing through this shit, they took my fuckin' safety pins." her fingers clutched at the front of a black shirt with che guevara's face on it, titled with "let's party, compadres!" underneath, trying to move the slashed fabric across her skin.

"naah it's not so bad, i can't see 'em. you're fine. they'll give you your shit back anyhow."

"fuck yeah, they better. i've got almost five bucks in my wallet, i gotta find a way home, yah know? fuck this shit, i'm sick of being in here." she twitched quick, eyes rolling as the lids fell over muddy brown, the sick collapse of her veins heaving with every faint beat her heart forced through. "fuck this, i'll just fuckin' sleep, wait here until they o.r. me..." she crossed her arms across her body, bones settling into her sack of skin while twin sets of long eyelashes met to kiss each other to bed.

"yeah right, you ain't gettin' an o.r.," lingerie girl's voice was distant and milkwater yellow, like the powdered shit they served three hours ago. "i see what your arms look like... they'll send you to housing."

<font color="#000000" size="1">[ July 10, 2008 08:57 PM: Message edited by: killjoyed ]</font>

[killjoyed]

<center></center>

[killjoyed]

"who are these people you've been hangin' out with, shiv?" shep's lip cut into a mean snarl as he heard the key open the front door, smelling her guilt before seeing it. "where the fuck have you been?"

"who cares?" the halfbreed shot back to her cousin, stooping down to pick up her stumbling kitten, a palm patting the bum front paw before shoving the creature into the crook of an elbow. "what're you doin', huh?" the pathetic thing mewled weakly in her clutches as she kicked through a field of tumbleweed animal hair and skittering kibble, standing behind the chair shep sat hunched in.

"just fuckin' around, drawing my next tattoo. you like?" he held up his fraying sketchpad, displaying a birthed newborn baby sliming from the muscled clutches of his mother's stretched cunt, shoving bits of placenta into his toothless, grinning mouth.

"oh yah, beautiful." she peered at his artwork before looping around the chair, dropping onto the couch. "yah like my new shoes? the best part is, yah don't hafta lace 'em!" she flung both feet up, showing off a pair of clean ones with a warped black-and-white checkered pattern warbling across canvas fabric, enough motion to make a sensitive stomach puke up it's belongings. the kitten cried as it squirmed in her arms, no doubt smelling renton on her and having flashbacks of his near-death experience, wishing he had just gotten picked up by a bratty kid screaming to her mom that she wanted a kitty. getting dressed up in doll's clothes was better than this hellhole. "fine! get away from me, then, little shit." shiva scowled as she shoved him away.

"you steal 'em with your new boyfriend?" shep pretended to watch the lines of his drawings, knowing better than to make eye contact... fingers so tight around his pen that the filthy bandages around his wrists looked like they were going to split like the open wounds beneath them.

"he's not my boyfriend," the shitstain glared, suddenly snooty. "and no, he wasn't with me when i did it."

"that's surprising," shep mused, his old lip-turned sneer creasing his face, blue eyes running black like the rest of the disdain running through his veins. "'cause you pretty much can't do anything without something to fuck at your side."

"what's your fuckin' deal?!" she shrilled out, standing with a stamp of a foot before shooting her head to the trainwreck of trash on the coffee table, the boy ferret nosing through a tower of empty beer can. eyes narrowing down to slits of sewer brown, a growl smeared from the base of her throat and she snapped for the ferret, grabbing the smelly little worm by the middle of it's sausage belly, suddenly furious that it ate better than she did. "I'M FUCKING FEEDING THIS SHIT TO THE SNAKE, YOU BASTARD!" lids squeezing out tears from her tantrum, dashing into her bedroom and locking the door shut.

"noooo!" shep yelped like a beaten puppy and leapt from the chair, pen and papers going awry everywhere while the kitten began howling with mews, all three parakeets joining in on the chorus with catcalls and flapping wings. nearby, the boy ferret's mate bounced along the dustbowl floor in panic, black and shiny like a trick seal, twitching in anxiety. he balled both fists and pounded both of them against her door, shaking the entire framework of the slumlord apartment. "open the fuckin' door you bitch, you fucking cunt!"

drips of bright red spattered to the floor, shep's gummy eyes going wide with shock, extending his hands in front of him to stare at both bloodied bandages, sick and mushy mixing with dirt and rust. "oh christ shiva, i'm... i'm... bleeding! look what you did! y-you need to take me back to the HOSPITAL!" he paused, waiting to hear the click of the lock.

there was deadpan silence inside her room, then the flick of a lighter, followed by her pouting voice.

"...this is why i never come home."

[killjoyed]

<center>

oh with strangers to impress so near
old friends don't realize i'm here
i wish two drinks were always in me
i'd pretend i had the perfect ear
for me tomorrow is my first day
so please don't tempt me in the wrong way
it's almost after midnight.
i can see the city lights
we're here.</center>

[edit]

the good detective stood at the door of shiva's place, or rather, the place she was staying. a cigarette perched between her lips, with hands occupied with a hanger of dress clothes, shoes, and a cup of coffee for shiva.

"open the fucking door, we can't be late," she grunted. she had forgotten for a moment, why she was doing this for someone she barely knew, but when she looked up and down the hall she knew. she was as crooked as could be, but she wasn't necessarily a bad person. people needed help, she was here to do that. she eyed her watch, leather old and worn, clinging to her like a second skin.

she shifted the hanger with the pants and dress shirt to her shoulder, so jaundiced fingers could pluck the cigarette from her lips. smoke spewed from nostrils, while unpolluted (atleast, less polluted than what she dragged from the cigarette) air was sucked in.

"if we are late i'm going to beat your ass."

[killjoyed]

after court shiva was still rubbing the sleep from her eyes, crackling down into gummy points around the edges. she tugged herself up the steps of her apartment building, ragged hands winding around splintering woodrails, hips swiveling to the side everytime a five-year-old ran down or up. "aren't you supposed to be in school?" she glowered and mumbled to herself, rattling her key in the lock of apartment number twenty-nine. "jesus christ, like the fuckin' plague of children.."

"shi-shi!" her cousin came hollering from the living room, a fart of creaking leather chair as he pushed himself up, coming around the corner with a trail of joint smoke following after. "how was court, huh? how'd it go?"

"fuckin' alright, i guess," she snapped with a fling of her head, slamming the door shut and dropping into the cushions on the couch, curling her knees up to her chest.

"awww c'mon, doesn't look that way, looks like it sucked. did that fuckin' cop fuck you over?" his eyes sliced down over themselves as he took the spot next to her, an arm riddled with stupidshit tattoos stretching over her razorblade shoulders.

"naw that was fine, s'just i gotta do fuckin' community service, like cleanin' trash offa the fuckin' freeway," she mourned at him, reaching to snatch the joint from his fingers, rolling sticky brown paper around before sucking in a hit. "and i gotta like do drug rehab with tests and everything."

"oh yah? that fuckin' sucks. looks like it's sober-time." shep snickered meanly, shoving his grimy hand inward to steal the contraband back. "how're things goin' with ehhh whosit?"

"renton? i dunno, he like.. he said he was crazy about me?.. and.." her mouth moved mechanically, pausing in a gaping O of frozen progress, the blood draining from her face. "i dunno, i'm scared, maybe."

"no fuckin' shit shiva, you should be scared." shep stared at her, the jut of his lip breaking up the upward line of smoke coming from his hand. "fuckin' junkie ain't gonna give you shit, man. he's gonna fuck anything he can stick his cock in and forget about you, he doesn't care. then you'll get pregnant or some fuckin' shitty disease, and i ain't payin' for treatment, goddamit." he shook his head, eyes lowering in disgust as flops of blueblack hair fell over his forehead. "why can't you just fuckin' get a normal guy, huh? why d'yah pick these fuckin' assholes?"

"just shut up." she whispered and stared at the tops of her knees, groaning before melting down into a body of tired skin and rumbling bones, head falling down into his lap. "just shut the fuck up and lemme sleep."

her cousin sighed, a hand ruffling down onto her head, fingers digging through strands of hair that looked brushed-out for once, devoid of split ends and dyed brighter for the lawful occasion.

"one day, girl, you just need to let it go."

<font color="#000000" size="1">[ September 18, 2006 05:47 PM: Message edited by: killjoyed ]</font>

[killjoyed]

she was going fast, running through the streets and stalking the alleyways, ignoring the droves of mindless fucks that shuffled their existence in the decks of the city. this fucking city. she wanted it to burn, wanted to feel the heat of the fire at the tips of her hair, to destroy everything that stood in her path. shiva the destroyer, shiva the goddess, shiva the scumshit who earned nothing in this world unless it was stolen. shoes and cigarettes first, hearts and tear ducts second.

a mangled snarl in smile's clothing came stitching across her lips, stalking away in search for a victim, for something fleshly to press her fingers into, to rip and claw and tear and shred into a fucking giant hellish mess, her feet eating up the disgusting cracked asphalt.

this was her love, this was the closest she could get, continually robbing herself of anything good and pure on god's forgotten earth.

unless, of course of course, she was tongue-deep in the mouth of a greasehaired junkie, nails riddling over washboard ribs and the hollows inbetween, forgetting what made her this way, focusing on him and his slowly breaking backbone, the perception of herself dying in the recesses of her mind.

she lit a cigarette and trudged on, mouth watering with hungry determination for some filthy deviance.

<font color="#000000" size="1">[ September 21, 2006 06:32 PM: Message edited by: killjoyed ]</font>