i need a big loan from the girl zone - kate pierce

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Twenty five brought more respect and less self-indulgence. She had packed up and left Philadelphia behind without a glance over her shoulder at what she left in her wake. Happiness was not in a four room flat with a man she couldn't trust alone, a job that kept her pinned down in one city, and no future, no progression, no growing up.

New York brought a larger apartment, a larger paycheck, more notoriety and a job she could live with every day. It brought photography shows and gallery openings, new friendships and old ones rekindled. It brought babysitting jobs for a close friend, a distrust of those she didn't know, a job teaching a night-time photography class and a sense of not-exactly-happiness. But it was content. Yes, that was what it was. Contentment in every corner.

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<font color="#000000" size="1">[ November 01, 2004 11:59 PM: Message edited by: everything static ]</font>

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After contemplation, she had decided that she liked the apartment.

It was spacious, which was good considering the amount of money she had put down on this place. Success yielded these things of luxury. The white couch, the carpeting, the curtains, the television. She was most proud of the small art room she had managed to construct with the manpower of her brothers and close friend. Her easels and paints had been set up, charcoals and canvas each had their own place. There was a tiny darkroom in the back as well, complete with stop bath and projectors. Money had bought her accomodation.

She liked this place because it was nothing like the last place she lived in. No painted poetry on the walls that made no sense (but she smiled and nodded like it did.) No gray furniture, no creaking bed, no cracked countertops, no smell of marijuana around every fucking corner. No more recreational drugs hidden, no more lies, no more cheating, no more disappointment. This place was clean and fresh and alive and it was not decadent squalor.

But it was very very empty. And when she had to leave the television on at night in order to fall asleep, she realized just how scary empty could be in this city.

[star studded]

"What would make you happy, Kate? I mean honestly, what the hell is it gonna take to make you happy?" Judas tended to ask these questions at the best parts in the movie, and Kate was flinging popcorn at him in attempts to quiet him.

"Shhhh! He's gonna give her the--"

"You have seen this movie five hundred times! Can we please have an adult conversation?" Jude deflected the popcorn with a flailing forearm and used his other hand to bash her in the face with the throw pillow.

"When have you ever known me to be any good at adult conversation?" The two of them made quite a pair. Judas was dressed in a sadly wrinkled Oxford shirt, the cuffs rolled to the elbows, exposing scarred Cherokee skin like it was nothing. Just another speedbump along the way. His slacks were probably more expensive than her house, and the way he tipped his head and squinted made it clear that he needed the glasses that he left on his kitchen table. Kate, however, was the essence of just barely thrown together, masses of sienna hair piled up on her head and stuck with clips, a white tank top and a pair of plaid pants she had bought from some old place back in Philadelphia. Pajamas were necessary when it was past nine o'clock and you were still home.

"I just want to know what would make you happy. God I hate this movie."

"Who says I'm not happy?" Toes wriggled and legs were dragged underneath her, never peeling green-brown eyes from the screen.

"I don't mean like.. popcorn and a movie happy. I mean like.. really happy. Like.. the rest of your life happy." Where Kate was curling up, Jude was stretching out, socked heels propping on the coffee table, among magazines and newspaper refuse.

"Why do you always get philosophical when Ewan McGregor is getting naked?"

"Will you answer the goddamned question!?"

"You letting me see Ewan McGregor naked in peace would make me happy!"

"Katherine, I'm going to --"

"Okay, okay.." When Judas busted out the full name she seemed to always step in line, like some scolded child. "I don't know. This is making me happy, you know? A good job, gallery showings.. teaching that class. This apartment makes me happy."

"So you could live the rest of your life like this and be happy?"

She rotted in silence for that one. Judas cast her a knowing look and she avoided meeting his glance for fear of letting him know that he was right.

"I want what anyone else wants. I'm really simple to please, you know? I obviously don't want to die an old maid. I want to eventually get a house, and a car, and all that. A husband. Kids. Something that won't unravel within a matter of months. Something that isn't travelling on a downward trajectory. No loose ends, no baggage, no bullshit. Honesty. Something very pure and very true. Something innocent, even. Just.. something I can have, and associate as mine for the rest of my life. You know?"

It was Judas' turn to stare the floor down as though it had offended him.

[star studded]

i've got a lack of inhibition
i've got a loss of perspective
i've had a little bit to drink
and it's making me think
that i can jump ship and swim
that the ocean will hold me
that there's got to be more
than this boat i'm in

If she believed hearts to be breakable, she was sure that Judas' had been shattered beyond repair. He was just incapable of love anymore, and that was that. It was a path that he could not take, it was a river too deep to tread for a man who had never been the greatest swimmer when it came to love. Staying afloat had been hard for them both, their heads stretched above while limbs kicked and flailed. They had weights strapped to their ankles, and the their movements were inhibited, unable to stay breathing.

Her heart had been fissure cracked, little parts chipped away, a small slice out of a part she had sealed off for someone else's use. But it still worked. It pumped and ached and was affected.

She had spun in circles at the Red Room, decked in prohibition garters and stockings, to some burlesque number. Under the influence of alcohol and too much eye-makeup, she had put dents in the dancefloor with the new bartender-woman, who had a feather stuck in her headband. The floorshow had everyone shouting, a riot of catcalling sailors and Gypsy Rose Lee strippers flinging gloves and garters all around. Judas lingered in the back, watching with folded arms and a brimmed hat tipped forward, some little blonde whispering to him and making a wicked mouth curve into a sinister smile. She recognized it, and when he disappeared with her, she turned in this angry, red-faced sneer and proceeded to become lost once more within the crowd.

Feverish. That was what she was, because she didn't understand. This wasn't jealousy, or rage, or an undiscovered love for the biblical betrayer under her skin. This was pure lack of understanding. How did one drag a nameless partner into a locked office and treat them like they were a bonded lover? How did he manage to do that and walk away from it with his head and heart intact, when everything she seemed to touch with the tiniest amount of interest reared back and ran wild?

He was stone. A cracking, breaking monument.

There was an art of packing the soft, pliable things in her heart so tightly that they became petrified and hard, and that was something that she had never mastered.

i'm cradling the hardest, heaviest part of me in my hand
the ship is pitching and heaving, my limbs are bobbing and weaving
and i think this is what i understand
i just need a couple vaccinations for my far-away vacation
i'm going to go ahead boldly because a little bird told me
that jumping is easy, that falling is fun
right up 'til you hit the sidewalk, shivering, stunned

[star studded]

Disney was echoing through the Eden house, like it almost always was. Mia and Emily ran in circles singing along, draped in plastic diamonds and frilly dress-up clothes like the excited three year olds they had become, a mess of blonde curls and their father's wide dark eyes. Kate was cautiously stepping over toys and feather boas in heels that strapped up her ankles, a classic red-dress framing her and hanging down below her knees. Respectable, but it made Judas refer to her as "Sister Katherine" several times.

"Is this okay?"

"Dear God, change your pants!"

"Why!?"

"You look like a buffoon!" Kate motioned to the gaping holes in Judas' jeans, torn all the way down the knee. "This is semi-formal, not homeless-welcome." It was mumbled to herself as Judas retreated once more into the bedroom in order to sift through the ridiculously large closet that he kept stocked with plenty of thrift store rags, when it was clear that he could afford designer labels. She never understood that about the man... he had to have a small fortune hidden away somewhere that he just never spent.

"Anyone interesting coming to this thing?" Judas emerged in a pair of khakis that he hated wearing, and they were immediately latched to by a flailing child that he picked up like absolutely nothing, save for the small sigh of effort.

"Uh, there's a kid from my class coming." Kate was busy attempting to jam earrings into her ears without a mirror, an art she had mastered at one point, but seemed to be failing at now that she was forced to perform the feat in public.

"Is he twelve? Does he have a crush on you?"

"Oh shut up, you're such a see-oh-see-kay." Spelled for the sake of the children in the room. Judas' foul mouth had already taught them enough. "His name is Corbin, and he's very nice."

"Corbin. Sounds like a pharmaceutical company."

"Why, reminds you of the place you get your Viagra?" Kate sneered, rather proud of herself for being so quick on her toes. Usually Judas slaughtered her at the insult game.

"Which is coincidentally the same place you buy your ---"

"Shut it!" Her hand lifted and dismissed his comment before he could finish it.

"And here's to you, Mrs. Robinson, Jesus loves you more than you will know.."

"Die."

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i don't wanna dissect everything today
i don't mean to pick you apart you see
but i can't help it
i'm like estella
i like to reel it in and then
spit it out

"I saw Solomon the other day."

The words had a tendency to elicit sighs from the older of the two, a pair that should have been brother and sister, but seemed to miss each other by a few codes of DNA. She considered afternoons at the Eden house to be episodes of baby-wrangling and cartoons, all while Judas pushed papers and returned phone calls. He had a theory. If Kate didn't talk, she'd be the perfect wife.

"And how'd that go?"

"No idea. I didn't bother to ask why he was all the way the hell out here. I didn't want to know. But getting up and leaving would have looked too weird, so I just sat there and waited for him to talk to me."

"Did he?"

"Ohhh yes.." With a girl prying at her heels, she turned to pick her up with a sigh of effort, propping Mia on a hip while she leaned and attempted to get at the humming dishwasher that her father was unloading like a pro. It took awhile, but domesticating Judas Eden was indeed a successful task.

"And?"

"I don't even know. I just knew that when I left, I wanted a drink. A big one. I couldn't go, because he was in the bar, and I wasn't going to go follow him. Unh uh."

"Wise choice."

"I don't think I want to talk to him anymore. Or see him."

Jude craned over his shoulder in the midst of shoving plates back into their spaces in the cupboards.

"You? The one who goes diving into the fray over and over again?"

"Yes. Executive decision. Right now. No more casual self-destruction."

"I'll believe it when I see it. If you're anything like me, which I think you are, you'll discover that hurting yourself is so much damn fun, even though you know it's the stupidest thing for you in the long run."

"How are we at all alike?"

"We just are." Jude's shoulders lifted and fell, and despite the fact that he was such a frail looking person (birdboned, short, thinly constructed), it was one of the biggest actions she had ever seen from him.

"From now on, no more stupid moves for us, Jude. Just happy things. Nice boys for me, nice girls for you.."

"I am so sick of nice girls."

"Well, you know what I mean! We need to get out of this slump."

"I'm not in a slump, don't group me into your little category."

Two sets of dark eyes narrowed firmly at each other in the midst of an argument no one would ever win.

[star studded]

Part One.

Full Name: Katherine Anne Pierce. My parents were wicked creative.
Goes by: Kate. Katherine. Never Kathy.
Current location: New York apartment. Freaky shit.
Description: I went all out.
Occupation: Rogue photographer and photography class teacher. Awesome.
Current age: Twenty-five.
Date of birth: December 16th.
Birthplace: Scarsdale, New Jersey. Yes. I am a Jersey girl.
Name(s), age(s), and occupation(s) of parent(s):

David Pierce - 51. Real Estate Broker.
Marianne Pierce - 49. Museum Curator.

.Name(s), age(s), and occupation(s) of sibling(s):

Trent David - 20. College Student
Lucas Stephen - 28. Restaurant owner.
Michael Alan - 30. High School Chemistry teacher (he's the boring one.)

Height: 5'5"
Weight: 125.
Hair color: Brown.
Eye color: Hazel.
Left-, right-handed, or ambidextrous: Right handed.
Heritage/Nationality: I am a grab bag of heritage.
Religion: Catholic.
Education: I have a BA in graphic design. Awesome.
Marital status: I am single and ready to mingle. Corny, isn't it?
Children: Zero.

Part Two.

Likes: Dancing, music, photography, clothes, shopping sprees, when Jude lets me work the bar.

Dislikes: Assholes. That's about it.

Phobias: Bugs, rodents, or anything small, furry and fast.

Part Three: Do you...

Smoke: I used to.
Cuss: Oh yes.
Sing well: I think I do. Dammit.
Sing in the shower: And in the car, and at work...
Talk to yourself: Sometimes.
Believe in yourself: I am supergirl.
Play an instrument: Not particularly.
Want to go to college?: Not again, my grandkids are gonna be paying student loans.
Want to get married?: Yes!
Want to have children?: Double yes!
Think you're a health freak?: Sometimes I can be a little Frau Pierce about what I eat.
Get along with your parents?: Of course.
Get along with your siblings?: Indeed!

Part Four: Current...

Clothes: Pink skirt and a white halter. It's summer, bitches.
Mood: Frazzled.
Music: The Police - Walking on the Moon
Taste: A mint. Delish.
Make-up: Eyeliner and gloss.
Hair-style: Badonkadonk long. I'm growing it out.
Annoyance: Work.
Smell: Um. Nothing?
Book you're reading: Mystic River by Denis Lehane.
CD in CD Player: The Best of Sting and the Police.
DVD in player: When Harry Met Sally.
Refreshment: Jude and I buy Poland Spring in bulk and share.
Worry: I'm actually not all that worried.

Part Five: Favorites:

Food: Chocolate cake.
Drink: A cosmopolitan.
Color: Light blue.
Album: Fleetwood Mac - The Dance
Shoes: Manolos, Jimmy Choo, Prada, Gucci.. I am a shoe fiend.
Candy: Mmm. Caaaaaaaandy.
Animal: Kittens.
TV Show: Chappelle's Show!
Movie: Anything romantic. I need tissues when I watch movies.
Song: Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic - The Police
Girl's name: Lane.
Boy's name: Simon.
Vegetable: Tomatos are veggies.
Fruit: Oranges.

Part Six:

If I were a month, I'd be: May.
If I were a day of the week, I'd be: Friday.
If I were a time of day, I'd be: 11pm.
If I were a planet, I'd be: Mars.
If I were a sea animal, I'd be: A mermaid.
If I were a direction, I'd be: In circles.
If I were a piece of furniture, I'd be: A coffee table.
If I were a sin, I'd be: Coveting thy neighbor's wife. But not wife.
If I were a historical figure, I'd be: Joan of Arc.
If I were a liquid, I'd be: Mercury.
If I were a tree, I'd be: A bonzai tree. Did I spell that right? Probably not.
If I were a bird, I'd be: A hummingbird.
If I were a flower, I'd be: Violets.
If I were a kind of weather, I'd be: Misty.
If I were a mythical creature, I'd be: A muse.
If I were a musical instrument, I'd be: A flute.
If I were an animal, I'd be: A kitten!
If I were a color, I'd be: Red.
If I were an emotion, I'd be: Surprise.
If I were a vegetable, I'd be: Onions.
If I were a sound, I'd be: Bing!
If I were an element, I'd be: Helium.
If I were a car, I'd be: A BMW. Zoom zoom.
If I were a song, I'd be: Dance Magic - Labyrinth.
If I were a movie, I'd be: Sleepless in Seattle. I heart Tom Hanks.
If I were a food, I'd be: A cookie.
If I were a place, I'd be: Gay Paris. (Pronounced Pah-ree)
If I were a material, I'd be: Glass.
If I were a taste, I'd be: Cherry flavored.
If I were a scent, I'd be: Cotton blossom.
If I were a religion, I'd be: Southern Baptist.
If I were a word, I'd be: Click!
If I were an object, I'd be: A CD.
If I were a body part, I'd be: A nose.
If I were a facial expression, I'd be: That fucked up look you get right before you sneeze.
If I were a part of a house, I'd be: The attic.
If I were a subject in school, I'd be: Recess.
If I were a cartoon character, I'd be: Scuttle from The Little Mermaid (seen that way too many times lately.)
If I were a shape, I'd be a: Octagon.
If I were a number, I'd be: One hundred.

[star studded]

"So like.. what do you want the place to look like? I mean.. just give me three words that'll describe the look for the place, and I can start getting ideas for themes from there." Kate Pierce sat across from Lucy Cavanaugh in a strange sort of contrast. The brunette was brightly dressed in autumn shades and staggering heels, rich colors and thick threads. The blonde was in her usual attire, black blouse and skirt, flat shoes and nylons. Manhattan socialite met the middle class ice queen in a clash of worlds.

Dragging loosely on her cigarette, Lucy shrugged and expelled a plume of gray smoke. "Something streamlined. Something simple. Nothing too colorful, but modern looking." Those weren't the three words she had asked for but Kate took note of it anyway, nodding.

"Who built the store, by the way? I mean. Not the building, but it's had some adjustments made to it, right?" Kate took a glance down at her cup of coffee and brought it to her mouth, steaming and heated. A quick sip made her face lift in recoil. Still too hot.

"Oh. My husband."

"You're married?" The words left Kate's mouth before she realized how cruel they must have sounded. Lucy, however, didn't storm away in a huff. Instead, the corner of her mouth lifted in a little laugh.

"Yeah. Surprising, huh?" Green eyes were wide with amusement at that factor. It surprised even strangers, so she could only imagine what it made everyone else feel like.

"No, I mean.. I didn't. Whatever, how long have you been married for?"

"Today's our seven month anniversary actually."

"Congratulations! Are you celebrating?"

Another dry laugh left Lucy's throat, fingers flicking at the stem of her cigarette. Ash was tapped into the tray at her side, shoulders lifting in another noncommittal shrug. "Probably not. He's working. I'm working. The world doesn't stop. Besides, it's not like.. our golden anniversary or whatever."

Doe-eyed, Kate watched in merriment at the very concept of being such a casually contented married woman. It was envy she felt, there was no doubt about that. At the same time, however, there was a sudden rush of relief that she didn't have to deal with the stress of a relationship, of a commitment to someone besides herself and her work. Tipping her head, the woman cracked a quick smile for good measures sake. "Still, that's awesome." Out of all of her extensive vocabulary, she could only muster that adolescent phrase. Awesome.

"Sure. I guess. Awesome's a good word for it?" Lucy was mercilessly amused at Kate's lack of articulation. She found comfort in the fact that if she needed to eat this girl alive, she could. "How about you? Got any prospects?"

"What, like a husband?"

"No, like a stock investment. Yes, a guy. Or are you a lesbian?"

"No, no.. not a lesbian. Just.. I actually just moved out here, so.." That was quite the fabrication. It had been a good year and some odd months since Kate came to New York and forged out on her own. "I've just been getting stuff together with my shows and teaching and all that." She had been paving her path like she always swore she would. Unfettered and alive, she felt the pulse of the city in her veins, she breathed the air of her success and that was all she convinced herself she needed.

"So you left someone back home?"

"Not really. We had broken up awhile before I came out here."

"Ah, so there was someone?"

"Sure."

"And?"

"And, that's about it. There was someone. Now there isn't."

"You seem reluctant to share, is there something we're touching on here that we shouldn't be?" This was more satisfying than Lucy had intended it to be. Backing Kate into a corner was a feat she hadn't accomplished on anyone in too long of a time.

"It's just a lame subject. I don't like who I was back then."

"But you like who you are now?"

"Of course."

"Well. Then there's something we have in common."

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caught a lite sneeze
caught a lite breeze
caught a lightweight lightningseed
boys on my left side
boys on my right side
boys in the middle and you're not here
i need a big loan from the girl zone

building
tumbling down
didn't know our love was
so small
couldn't stand at all
Mr. St. John
just bring your son

the spire is hot and my cells can't feed
and you still got that belle dragging your foots
I'm hiding it well Sister Ernestine
but I still got that belle dragging my foots

right on time you get closer and closer
called my name but there's no way in
use that fame
rent your wife and kids today
maybe she will
maybe she will
caught a lite sneeze
dreamed a little dream
made my own pretty hate machine

boys on my left side
boys on my right side
boys in the middle and you're not here
boys in their dresses and you're not here
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