BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND- Cuda's Advice Column

[Cuda]

Going to a strip club isn't cheating, is it?

Dear Cuda: Women's hormones make them highly emotional - I learned it the hard way! Some buddies invited me to a "Guys Night Out" and we ended up at an all male strip club, and yes, I did pay for a lap dance or two. When I got home, my wife smelled perfume and started grilling me. When one of the fellas spilled the beans, she hit the roof, accused me of "cheating" on her and says that even AFTER the baby comes, she's going to keep up the ban on romance. And she's not even pregnant, Cuda. To me, having some fag squirm on your lap for 10 or 20 minutes is not cheating. She always reads your column, Cuda maybe you can talk some sense into her. Please tell her that lap dancing is not sex! - "Joe in Ohio"

Dear Omega Verb: Didn't she know what to expect from you, of all people, on a "Guys Night Out"? I didn't even have to finish reading your letter to figure out what trouble you'd gotten into. And why did you think calling yourself "Joe in Ohio" was going to fool anyone?

My stupid sister won't stop copying me!

Dear Cuda: My younger sister is driving me nuts, because she is totally unoriginal and has to imitate every single thing I do. If I dye my hair, she dyes hers the same color, if I wear cowboy boots, she runs out and buys a pair. One time I got a tattoo on my ankle and the next day she was flashing one just like mine. She walks and talks like me so much people think we're twins, even though we're two years apart. This was cute when we were little kids, but now I'm 18 and I'm tired of having a "shadow." How can I make my kid sister get her own life? - Terri in New York

Hmmm, you wouldn't happen to have a website or anything where I can pick up some posting ideas, would you?

Skinflint lesbian makes me pay for our dates!

Dear Cuda: For the first time in my life, I've become involved in a lesbian relationship and I couldn't be happier. After wasting years of my life with selfish men who couldn't satisfy my needs, I think I have finally found true love. The only trouble is that my girlfriend, "Annie" insists that I pay for all our dating expenses. Whether we go out to dinner, get ourselves drinks or go to the movies, I always have to pay the tab. I don't think this is fair and have said so. Annie's explanation is that I am the "butch" partner in the relationship and she is the "femme," so I am supposed to play the man's role. This doesn't completely make sense to me, because I actually wear more makeup than her and on the whole act more feminine. On the other hand, I am new to the gay lifestyle and have so much yet to learn. Is this really how it's supposed to go? - Felinia in California

Dear ppanther: How in the world would I know? With us heterosexuals, the man always pays - and I guess that would be you, butch!

I wet the bed - but my boyfriend thinks it's HIM!

Dear Cuda: I'm 29 years old and have wet the bed all my life. This wasn't much of a problem until recently when I moved in with my boyfriend and - you guessed it - I started wetting the bed we both sleep in. I couldn't bring myself to tell him about my little problem so I lied and told him that he made the messes. He's humiliated and I'm starting to feel really guilty. But I haven't been able to get the courage up to tell him the truth. What should I do? - Peeing [by the river]

Dear Van: You've got such a good thing going with that gullible boyfriend of yours that you'd be crazy to ruin it by telling him the truth. The bottom line? Let the fool think he's wetting the bed - and keep your fat mouth shut!

I'm a 'stinky baby' - & proud of it!
Dear Cuda: I want to share something with all your readers - the joys of pretending to be a baby and even wearing diapers and even going poopie and potty outside the "usual venues" when you are a grown person. For many, many years I felt totally unfulfilled as a woman until I met Van, who showed me how playing "baby" can fill a person full to overflowing with warm and fuzzy "good feelings" about himself or herself. Van and I are both 29 years old and we play baby in the privacy of our homes at least twice a week now and I feel better and more alive than I've ever felt in my life. Pass this information on to your millions of readers, Cuda. They'll appreciate it. - Baby in Pennsylvania

Dear PSUFAN : You're not only NOT a baby, moron, you're sick. And if my readers appreciate ANYTHING about this letter of yours, it'll be a hearty laugh - at YOUR expense! And your diaper probably stinks about as much as Penn State Football- well, maybe

[Pogue Mahone]

RACK!!

[Mr. Dingleberry]

Dear Cuda-Stayed-A-Man,

There's this pussy-assed bitch on a message board that starts retarded threads, acts like a fucking tough guy, and talks shit from behind a computer screen. His avatar's a fish but he's a goddamn homosexual. He started an advice column like Dear Fucking Abbey and comes off like a pole smoking shitbag. He runs with buttfucks like Jism-Me-Dine-On, Elgrandecumswiller, Vulvenis, and faggington. Do you have a recipe for spare ribs?

Mr. Dingleberry

[Cuda]

How Many Encounters Does It Take To Make A Man Gay?
Dear Cuda: I was stunned and upset when my husband casually mentioned that he had two or three homosexual experiences back in high school, and a few in college before he flunked out, and maybe one or two dozen at work. But he assures me that this is very common and that he's not gay. He says after these escapades with other guys who were all fellow members of the football team,or basketball team, or marching band, plus a few of his fellow Theatre Majors, and several important clients he decided it was all "a big turnoff." But he also says it's lucky that all this locker room funny business only went on for a few years, otherwise he "might have ended up gay." He's a wonderful hus-band and devoted father, but I'm still worried. How can I find out if he continues to have feelings for men? - Mrs. Dingleberry

Dear Mrs. Dinglefuck: Just who do you think I am, Dear Dottie? Here's a clue for you: You married a FAG and he's probably already infected you with AIDS.

<font color="#330033" size="1">[ March 12, 2002 06:45 PM: Message edited by: Cuda ]</font>

[Mr. Dingleberry]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size=2 face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><table border="0" width="90%" bgcolor="#333333" cellspacing="1" cellpadding="0"><tr><td width="100%"><table border="0" width="100%" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="2" bgcolor="#FF9900"><tr><td width="100%" bgcolor="#DDDDDD"><font size=2 face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Originally posted by Cuda:
How Many Encounters Does It Take To Make A Man Gay?
Dear Cuda: I was stunned and upset when my husband casually mentioned that he had two or three homosexual experiences back in high school, and a few in college before he flunked out, and maybe one or two dozen at work. But he assures me that this is very common and that he's not gay. He says after these escapades with other guys who were all fellow members of the football team,or basketball team, or marching band, plus a few of his fellow Theatre Majors, and several important clients he decided it was all "a big turnoff." But he also says it's lucky that all this locker room funny business only went on for a few years, otherwise he "might have ended up gay." He's a wonderful hus-band and devoted father, but I'm still worried. How can I find out if he continues to have feelings for men? - Mrs. Dingleberry

Dear Mrs. Dinglefuck: Just who do you think I am, Dear Dottie? Here's a clue for you: You married a FAG and he's probably already infected you with AIDS.

<font color="#330033" size="1">[ March 12, 2002 06:45 PM: Message edited by: Cuda ]</font></font></td></tr></table></td></tr></table></BLOCKQUOTE>

Do you always type letters to and about yourself, Darlene? Better buy that lace covered diary, Pole Monkey. I'll fuck you 'till you love me, faggot.

[Cuda]

I don't like to waste words on trolls- especially bad trolls like you, dinglefag. So why don't you take IB by the hand, find a nice busy highway overpass, and jump off?

[Mr. Dingleberry]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size=2 face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><table border="0" width="90%" bgcolor="#333333" cellspacing="1" cellpadding="0"><tr><td width="100%"><table border="0" width="100%" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="2" bgcolor="#FF9900"><tr><td width="100%" bgcolor="#DDDDDD"><font size=2 face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Originally posted by Cuda:
I don't like to waste words on trolls- especially bad trolls like you, dinglefag. So why don't you take IB by the hand, find a nice busy highway overpass, and jump off?</font></td></tr></table></td></tr></table></BLOCKQUOTE>

Mr. Pot, meet Mr. Kettle. Mr. Kettle, meet Mr. Pot.

Mr. Cuda-Felched-Anus, meet Louie Anderson's taint. Mr. Anderson's taint, meet Cuda-Spit-It-Out's inviting mouth.

[Cuda]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size=2 face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><table border="0" width="90%" bgcolor="#333333" cellspacing="1" cellpadding="0"><tr><td width="100%"><table border="0" width="100%" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="2" bgcolor="#FF9900"><tr><td width="100%" bgcolor="#DDDDDD"><font size=2 face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Originally posted by Mr. Dingleberry:


Mr. Pot, meet Mr. Kettle. Mr. Kettle, meet Mr. Pot.

Mr. Cuda-Felched-Anus, meet Louie Anderson's taint. Mr. Anderson's taint, meet Cuda-Spit-It-Out's inviting mouth.</font></td></tr></table></td></tr></table></BLOCKQUOTE>

~thinks to self~

Must be a fly in here.