Smack-Off, Round 2: Headhunter vs. Filthy McNastie

[Filthy McNastie]

HeadHunter Slays Fifth

So this was how it was playing out, Clarice Starling had been following this case from a distance, she didn't like being on the sidelines and it was looking like that's just where the brass was going to keep her.

A few years back she was pivitol in the capture of the infamous "Buffalo Bill", a madman that skinned the bodies of young girls and then made the skin into crude clothes in his bizarre attempt to transform himself into a woman.

But this case was different.

It seemed this one may be a woman, trying to do the same thing...but with a different twist as the victims had all been men, but Clarice had not been called in on this one, she had been assigned to a complaint filed against the Jim Rome Smackboard because of a Creednet invasion that was pulled off by a roving gang of Internet nasties known as the Trolls, but that case had wrapped up with ZERO arrests, and she was taking a little hiatus.

The sound of the phone ringing startled her out of her deep thought and she reached to pick it up, it was senior, FBI supervisor, East Coast in Quantico.

E.C: Good morning Agent starling, I trust you've been well.

Starling: As good as can be expected under the circumstances of my last case, not much action, those Trolls are a crafty lot.

E.C: I followed your progress on that one, I liked the RACK traps that you layed for them, but none bit huh?

Starling: No...none bit, I know this isn't a social call sir, so what can I do for you?

E.C: I've sent a chopper to pick you up, you'll be briefed upon your arrival, Oh and Starling?

Starling: Yes sir?

E.C: This is some whack shit!

Click.

Agent Starling stood up and looked at the phone for a bit..."Whack Shit?"...How could it be anymore whack than the last time?


The chopper circled the lake on its final pass before landing, below Clarice Starling could see the hustle and bustle of people that were associated with a crime scene, a coroners wagon parked ominously on the side of the road leading down to the lake.

As the chopper set down onto the ground Starling could see the figure of E.C. waiting for her just outside the swirling blades of the aircraft, she stepped through the door and ducked the blades as she ran out to meet him, they shook hands as the chopper lifted back into the air, and watched it as it flew off into the distance.

E.C: It's good to see you again Clarice.

Starling: You to Sir, why have I been brought here?...this has something to do with HeadHunter, doesn't it?

E.C: You're perceptive agent Starling, follow me.

They walked down to a small clearing beside the still water, a naked body of what was once a man layed face down on the shore, a fishing pole was laying on the bank, the line still in the water.

E.C: His I.D. was laying a little bit aways from the body, it says Jokey, but that's all we could find.

E.C. looked at the agent that was taking pictures of the body and instructed him to roll it over.

A blast of gas exhaled from the mans anus as they flipped him over, and everyone around the body covered there noses, it was th unmistakable smell of a beer fart.

As Starling bent over the body she noticed that mans mouth was slightly open, she looked at the agent beside the body.

Starling: Give me your flashlight.

Agent: Why?, it's not dark out here.

Starling gave the agent an icy stare to show him that she meant business.

Starling: Because there is something in this mans mouth.

To be continued...

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[This message has been edited by Filthy McNastie (edited October 19, 2001).]

[Filthy McNastie]

Agent Starling called the coroner over and asked him for a pair of forceps, the coroner reached into a pouch and handed them over, a small smirk playing about his face.

Starling snatched the forceps from his hand and gave him a smirk right back.

Starling: Had anyone bothered to check this man from the front yet?

Agent: Ummmmm...we were still trying to secure the crime scene ma'am.

Starling bristled at the "Ma'am" reference but shrugged it off and slowly pushed the forceps into Jokeys mouth, after a considerable amount of effort, she was able to pull the object free, holding it out in front of her, every man on the scene instantly grabbed his crotch and made that "Ooooooh shit!" look, Starling was a bit perplexed as she looked at the oblong object her eyes falling on E.C.

E.C: It's a raw testicle Clarice...A man's Nut!

Clarice scanned down the naked front of the mans body and noticed a pool of blood between his legs, as she shined the flashlight on the gory sight, every man on the scene grabbed their packages again.

Jokeys nutsack had been surgically removed.

She knew...she would be making a trip to a certain Maximum Security prison.

To be continued...



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[Filthy McNastie]

Clarice arrived at the Prison around noon the following day, she was dressed smartly in a grey flannel skirt that hung just below the knee, loose fitting blouse and a Blazer buttoned at the waist.

Dr. Bob the prison psychiarist greeted her at the gate and the two began the long journey down the darkened corridors into the depths of the prison.

Dr. Bob turns to Clarice.

Dr. Bob: This isn't the first time you've come to see one of our our famous guests, i'm sure he'll be thrilled.

As they pass the rows of cells a man suddenly throws himself against the glass.

DC Smackmaster: I can smell your cunt...errrrr...and you're ASSS...wash your dirty ass bitch!

Clarice jumps back in shock as she gazes at the man behind the glass, who seems to be masturbating at a furious pace, she turns to Dr. Bob for an explanation.

Dr. Bob: [I]That's DC, he's quite harmless really, but he's been getting his jerk on non-stop ever since they brought him in here 5 years ago.

Clarice: I see...may I please see the Dr now?.

As they approach the glass cell, they see a man standing in prison whites behind the glass, he looks just a bit surprised as Clarice makes eye contact, she is just as surprised, neither one have ever seen the other in there life!

Clarice turns to Dr. Bob.

Clarice: I don't understand, I was supposed to meet Dr. Lector here today!

Dr. Bob: [I]This is Jimmah Medalions, Special Agent E.C. phoned ahead, he said from the nature of the crime, the fact that it involved a nutsack removal, this man could help you more that Dr. Lector.

J Meds: That's true Clarice, I know more about testicles, nutsacks, upper sigmoids than any man alive, come closer, but errrrrr...not to close, I'm not really into women.

Clarice steps towards the glass, Jimmy Meds backs away just slightly, keeping his eye on her the entire time.

J Meds: You're killer is pissed off...for some reason he hates men, he hates nutsacks, testicles, penisis, everything about them...for the life of me I don't know why...but he does, that's really all the help I can give you, you're on your own from here.

Starling: THATS IT...!?!?!?, That's all you have to tell me?, what the fuck kind of shit is that?

As agent Starling backs up to leave, DC throws something out of his cell at her, Clarice sees what looks like a glob of something flying out towards her face, Jimmy Meds hand flys between the little slot that his lunch is served through 3 times a day and catches it before it hits her.

J Meds: Don't worry, I'll take care of this, see ya round Starling.

Agent Starling sits in her car after walking back outside, the smell of the prison still hangs on her clothes as she looks into the rearview mirror studying the lines of her face, her cellphone rings and she reaches to answer it.

Starling: Hello, Agent Starling here.

E.C: Clarice...there's been a kidnapping.

Clarice: Yes...what does that have to do with me?

E.C: It's Filthy, Clarice...Filthy McNastie...Clarice?...I'm sorry.

Click.

Clarice set the phone down into her lap...

"Filthy...my god...no!"

To be continued...quickly...

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[This message has been edited by Filthy McNastie (edited October 19, 2001).]

[Filthy McNastie]

Filthy McNastie scans around the hole that he's down in, from the room above him he can here talking...and typing.

A weird looking man is parading around in front of a mirror, his body covered in some kind of odd hairy garb.

HeadHunter: I'm beautiful, my plan is almost complete.

The man walks back over to a computer and begins to type, Filthy screams up at the man from the depths of his home-made prison.

Filthy: Errrrrrr...what the fuck are you doing?...hey...!!!...can you hear me up there?

HeadHunter: Don't you worry about it fella, I'm smacking your ASSSSS in the smackoff, and...I'm trying on some new...errrrr...clothes

Filthy: [I]HeadHunter!?!?!?...is that you...!?!?!?...what's going on dude, aren't you taking this thing a little to far?...btw...what kind of smack are you running on me?

HeadHunter: ummmmmm...typical 80's hair band gone bad, with a little beastiality thrown in for good measure...IT'S EPIC!

Filthy: Damn dude...that's been done like 1000 or so times...but ummmmm...rock on man, what's the twist?

HeadHunter: Behind the Music...brilliant huh?

Filthy: Uhhhhh...yea...that's pretty clever...hey?...can I get out of here?

HeadHunter: Not quite yet mr McNastie...not quite yet.

Agent Starling pulls up to an old trailer, she gets out of her car and walks to the window, as she looks inside she sees a man dressed in a pretty funny looking suit typing at a computer...he types for a bit, then scratches his head.

As she gazes through the dirty window she realizes what the suit is made of...Human Nutsack skin!

HeadHunter?

Nutsack skin?

HeadHunter?

OMG!!!...OMG...!!!...OMG...!!!

It hit's Agent Starling like a ton of bricks...she had fucked Filthy one years ago...he was a fine specimen of a man to be sure, but there was really one thing she remembered about him that stood out...his cock...it was perfect...especially the head.

HEADHUNTER WAS MAKING A COCK SUIT OUT OF REAL COCKS...!!!...WHY ELSE WOULD HE USE THE NIC HEADHUNTER...HE ACTUALLY WANTED TO "BE" A COCK!!!

Agent Starling walked to the back of the trailer and slowly opened the back door, as she walked over the threshold into the gloomy room she could hear HeadHunter as he was pounding away at the keyboard.

She made her way through the pile of gay magazines that were strewn about the place until she reached the hole in the ground, as she peered over into the darkness, she saw him, yep, you couldn't mistake that bad boy...it was Filthy, he brought a finger to his lips to make the universal Shhhh sign and pointed to show her there was a rope laying beside the opening to the hole.

Clarice quietly lowered the rope into the hole and secured the end, Filthy climbed up quickly as only someone who worked out a lot could do and the two of them walked up to stand just out of earshot from HeadHunter as he furiously typed away, the nut skin from his suit limply hanging from his body.

Filthy leaned over to Clarice and whispered.

Filthy: From the back...it does kind of look like a giant set of balls...you know it?

Clarice held a hand over her mouth to stifle a giggle.

Clarice: You want me to sneak up behind him and put a bullet in his...errrrrr...HEAD!?!?!

Filthy & Clarice were both trying to keep from laughing out loud as the poor soul pecked away...lost in his unwinnable task.

Filthy: Nahhhhh...he's alright...losing the Smackoff will be punishment enough.

Filthy and Clarice backed slowly out of the house...leaving HH to type away...oh yea...Fitlth nailed her later that night...

The End.



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