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Thread: Lord Of THE Rings

  1. #1
    Inactive Member Van [down by the river]'s Avatar
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    ~Way the fuck back in the depths of time, deep in the heart of Mt OroficeRuin, there lies a big ass flaming crack. There, Euroclone, The Dark Gaylord, fashions in secret the One Ring which will allow him to enslave all the peoples of Middle Turd.~

    The Ring had an inscription which could only be read by the Wise, The Learned, The Eldar, hell, pretty much anybody shitfaced on Brit Ales who was handy with some tongs and a fireplace.

    Herein lies the words inscribed on the Ring so terrible, so foreboding, so full of ne'er do well portent that even Christopher Walken committed to doing a sit com.....

    One fookin arse ring to rule 'em, one soddin' bloody minge to find 'em, one ginger slaphead to sort 'em all out and on the bleedin' footie pitch bind 'em!

    "Bwaaaarrrrrrrhaaarrrrr, oh, I kill meself!....Ooooeerrrr, me bleedin' stones are acting the piss again..." deathly intoned the habitually crabby Euroclone. "Right. Sorted. I've had enough of these mincing Do Gooder flanges! Wots mine is mine and all that, and there's fuckall on the telly anyway!! Cry Vicky Peck and let loose the dogs of war!!"

    With these words the gates of MoreOdor were opened and out flew Euro's Nine Ringwraiths, bent on finding the Ring, sharing six teeth among 'em. (They were Brit Wraiths, after all...) The Wraiths were on the night wing, and terror gathered upon the land as a dark shawdow eneveloped Smackshire.

    ~Lots of improbable chase episodes later, including scary scenes involving the supposedly omnipotent Ringwraiths suddenly becoming as inept as local sheriffs in a Burt Reynolds "Good Ol Boy" movie, all the Good Guys arrive safely, just in the nick of time, by the skin of their teeth and the length of their short hairs, at The Last Homo House, Rivendell, tucked away in a verdant valley safely out of the clutches of any Evil.

    Ahhh, Rivendell!! There resides Python Halfelven, a strange wise dude of mixed blood who goes back to the early mists of time, meaning even before cable porn. Python has a serious hottie for a daughter and all the nymphs he can handle, yet he's always deeply troubled. He's got big scores to settle, an out of control prostate gland and even bigger things on his mind...A REALLY big summit, The Council Of Python, has been convened at Rivendell, in between the College Bowl Season and the NFL playoffs...


    The Council Of Python
    Python: "Hear yea, hear yea, we are gathered here....Awww, shit. Look, LSU won a major bowl game for the first time in forever and my house here is safe and I'm immortal so try as I might I really can't work up all that much concern over all this 'The Ring has surfaced and now Euro is going to plaster all our asses!' bullcrap. So, you people have probably all been wondering who the old dude with the pointy hat and long beard is, right? Dumbasses, he's a Wizard, what else could he be? He knows pretty much everything, and what he doesn't know, well, he's a killer guesser. He goes by the name of Vandalf and I'm going to turn the floor over to him. Keep your applause down to a dull roar, if you would...."

    ~deafening sound of crickets chirping~

    Vandalf-"Alrighty then. Py, you suck. Just know that. People, listen up. You know all those little ugly fucker orcs and goblins and such running all over the place lately? Euroclone The Dark Gaylord is responsible for those. He hates anything Good or Niiiiiiice. If he gets his way he'll turn all your neighborhoods into Compton, or Sheffield. He'll eat you. He'll make you work really crappy jobs and keep all the hotties to himself, leaving you only fat chicks with multiple tattooes and intense desires to have their feet rubbed. We don't want that. We want to prevent that.

    Here's the sucky part. He made a really cool Ring a long time ago that he lost. If he ever gets it back he'll be able to plunger each and every one of us. We're about to go to war to make sure he doesn't get that Ring. Problem here, however, is that we ain't dick compared to his evil might. All we can hope to do is get rid of the ring before he gets ahold of it. We can only get rid of the ring by dropping it into the big ass crack in Mt OroficeRuin, which is in his own crib. If we get rid of the ring he loses all his power and we can go back to watching football instead of soccer. We can't beat him in straight up battle so we need to use stealth. He's got those nine Ringwraiths, so I'm saying we grab nine of us to pit against his Nine.

    Any volunteers?"

    ~more crickets chirping, interspersed with the sound of Py eating pork rinds and throwing his crusty Kleenex into his "Pron Receptacle"~

    Vandalf-"Fine then. Pussies. I'm going to explain to y'all who y'all are here, since most of you haven't met. Representing Man, we've got two people here. The tall ethereal one who looks like Viggo Mortensen, he's so fucking important you couldn't even begin to fathom it so I won't even bother trying to explain who he is or what that broken sword of his portends. His name is Catfish."

    Catfish tips his hat, and adjusts himself none too discretely as he eyes Py's daughter with all the subtlety of Terrance In Sierra Madre looking at a plate of ribs. "Wassup, people. Don't fuck with me. You have no idea who I am."

    Vandalf-"That tall, mean looking dude over there, the one who keeps eyeing Catfish jealously? That's Filthy. Filthy is a Warrior with a Big Horn and deception in his lust filled heart. But he's a bitchin fighter."

    Filthy lets loose on his horn, shattering all the incredible stained glass windows in Py's house. Py immediately nods to an assistant, who proceeds to shoot Filthy straight in the dick with an elven arrow. Filthy giggles, pulls the arrow out and says, "Mind what Vandalf said. I'm a bitchin warrior. Not much bothers me."

    Vandalf-"Hey Filthy, can the horn blowing or else I'll turn you into the last tampon in yonder convent. Okay, people, see that tall, sharp eyed effeminate guy with long hair and a bow? That's Terpy. He represents the Elves. He'll never die of natural causes. He can see like a bastard and he shoots that arrow so well that he makes William Tell look like the stupid redneck in that The Three Kings movie. He's mighty useful, and, well, his dad is also King of yonder forest."

    Terpy stands, reaches into his quiver, draws forth a sylvan arrow and fires. Nobody knows what he was aiming at, until a chain reaction of breaking limbs and boughs results in a perfect ottoman landing right beneath his feet as he sits back down. "Hey, it's been a long hike and I'm used to living in trees. My feet were tired, and it didn't look like Py was going to offer me any foot support. How y'all doing?"

    Vandalf-"Terpy, you're such an asswipe. Moving on...That grumpy guy over there, the one who keeps chipping away at Py's beautiful four thousand year old mahogany coffee table with his giant scimitar? That's Zy, and he's here representing the dwarves."

    Zy stands up and says, "Aye, you think this here axe o' mine is huge, just let me loose me britches here and..."

    ~Vandalf immediately takes preemptive action by directing his wooden wizard's staff towards Zy. Out shoots a stream of Afro American termites looking exactly like The Dame heading straight for Zy's cod piece covered package all crying "Zy's boys! Zy's boys!! Eat!! EAT!!!!"....Zy, chastened and thoughtful, sits back down, stroking his chin with his blade.~

    Python, bored with the lack of flesh being shown by the tv weather girl, suddenly interjects, "Hey Vandalf, by my reckoning I've got you, two men, an elf and a dwarf. That's only five of you, and nary a flamer amongst you. How are you going to deal with Euroclone The Dark Gaylord and his NINE Ringwraiths with only five of you, and none of your five even like the hairy booty?"

    ~huddling over in the corner playing Crazy Eights and sipping black berry tea and trying as hard as possible to not be noticed sit Valvenis, the Nobbit who brought the stupid Ring to Rivendell in the first place, and his trusty manservant, Peehole. Peehole cannot abide being away from Valvenis for even one commode visit. He is the quintessential trusty manservant. Also huddling with Valvenis and Peehole are two younger, simpler Nobbits, Cuda and Warren. When the young Nobbits feel the eyes of these Great People suddenly upon them Cuda is struck by a sudden fit of panic, which results in his farting forth a trickle of Warren marmalade.~

    Vandalf-"Py, what about these guys? Valvenis got us into this mess in the first place. We know Valvenis has to go. It was a prophecy, or some shit. Besides, there's a giant flaming crack in Mt OroficeRuin and you KNOW Valvenis couldn't stay away from such a place even if Elizabeth Hurley were lying in front of him buck naked and spread eagled with Super Bowl tickets and a wad of cash thick enough to choke a horse stuffed in her neatly trimmed gash. So, Valvenis makes number six. The only way we could keep Peehole here once Valvenis left would be to remove Valvenis's testicles and leave 'em here. Valvenis would never consent to travel without his little bag o' Raisinettes, so that means Peehole has to go too. What the hell, do we even want Cuda and Warren hanging around here like a couple of homesick meth addicts, pining away for their long lost Raisinettes? Seems to me that with these four Nobbits we've got our Nine to go up against Euro's Nine, and we've got that ass piracy angle covered as well."

    Py-"Wha? Huh? Oh, sorry, that Lisa Guerrero on Fox News is HOT!! Yeah, sure, fine, sounds good to me. You got your Nine picked out. I'll call IB over in Lothlorien to give her a heads up that you tards might be passing through her way. Mrs Py packed you some salami and Cheeze Its, you should be good to go. Later...."


    to be continued, maybe....


    ------------------
    Didn't we know? Didn't we feel it?

    Time, it seemed to stop outside our window...As we ran down the freeway, to be free.....of everthing...


    [This message has been edited by Van [down by the river] (edited January 16, 2002).]

  2. #2
    Inactive Member Roger_the_Shrubber's Avatar
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    If I don't get to play Legolas or gollum, I'm going to be pissed.

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  3. #3
    HB Forum Owner Smackie Chan's Avatar
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    I'll just play Leonard Nimoy and sing the song about Bilbo's character. That's about the extent of my knowledge of LOTR.

    ------------------
    The Dude abides.

  4. #4
    Inactive Member Van [down by the river]'s Avatar
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    Rog, sit up and pay attention in class! Terpy is Legolas! You know, the Elf??

    I seriously considered having you be Elrond though. Ultimately, the movie version of Elrond was so bored and unaffected that it had to be Python. If this thing goes on, you're in it, definitely. Are you sure you want Gollum though? He barely speaks in the entire Trilogy. He starred in The Hobbit, and we're already past that....

    I've got just the guy for you.....

    (Smackie, I think it's safe to say by anybody who read that first installment that what I'm doing here bears very little resemblance to LOTR!! Hopefully with the little bit of background I'm providing this story is easy enough to "get" on its own, even for those with no knowledge of Tolkien....)

    ------------------
    Didn't we know? Didn't we feel it?

    Time, it seemed to stop outside our window...As we ran down the freeway, to be free.....of everthing...


    [This message has been edited by Van [down by the river] (edited January 16, 2002).]

  5. #5
    Inactive Member IBystander's Avatar
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    (THE announcer, sotto voce: "...we've secretly replaced Van's regular vicodin prescription with new Smacker's Choice...")

    ------------------
    "If there's anything worse than someone who doesn't think before they hit SUBMIT, it's a self-propping hypocrite who cares more about image than what's truly on their mind." - Lion

  6. #6
    Inactive Member Python's Avatar
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    I know jack shit about LOTR but that was hysterical. Keep it up.

    ------------------
    This is just a blue pill. Lighten up.

  7. #7
    Inactive Member Jokey's Avatar
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    Smurfs could play hobbits rather well don't ya think Van?

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    Don't blame me, I only do what my rice krispies tell me to.

  8. #8
    Inactive Member Buttspray's Avatar
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    I don't know where the other ones were, but Tommy squeezed 4 or 5 degrees out of the one in the front...

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    <A HREF="http://160.79.129.225/waves/10110/fart3112.wav" TARGET=_blank>Click on this for what I really think of you!

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  9. #9
    Inactive Member OmegaVerb's Avatar
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    Talking

    I guess vicodin does have hallucinagenic qualities. Can you see a person's aura, yet, Van?

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    It's not like you to be so stupid ... Try harder next time.

  10. #10
    Inactive Member mothage's Avatar
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    can i be the MOTH that gives Gandalph a heads up to jump on the giant hawk

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