Lord Of THE Rings

[Jokey]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Cuda:
I'll RACK this thread for the simple reason that the response from IB has been minimal- all that reading must have gotten her lips exhausted.

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

And I'll RACK that! LOL



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Don't blame me, I only do what my rice krispies tell me to.

[Van [down by the river]]

Cuda, save the racks, for IB as Galadriel The Cross Examiner is going to make your eyes bleed tomorrow when I finally get around to doing Part IV....

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Didn't we know? Didn't we feel it?

Time, it seemed to stop outside our window...As we ran down the freeway, to be free.....of everthing...

[Cuda]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Van [down by the river]:
Cuda, save the racks, for IB as Galadriel The Cross Examiner is going to make your eyes bleed tomorrow when I finally get around to doing Part IV....

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Before you do anything so rash, gobble 4 or 5 more vicodin, have a few beers & get some sleep



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IB, if you can't find a nice elevator shaft to fall into, maybe you could jump off a highway overpass instead.

[OmegaVerb]

Orc, huh?

I only ask that I get stampeded to death by my fellows orcs as they attack. I couldn't stand having Zy or El kill me.

Have you RACKED your Van today?

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It's not like you to be so stupid ... Try harder next time.

[Van [down by the river]]

~Moria, or more rightly its full name being The Mines Of Moria, is the Grand Masterpiece Dwelling Of The Dwarves. It is where Zy and all his boys call Home, or at least they did before it went to total shit. It is a vast city dwelling located under the mountains, since that's where Dwarves like to live.

Being a major city like dwelling, it has many strata, just like any other city. The difference here is in location. In most cities there are differing strata dividing the rich and the poor, the industrial and the suburban, the parks from the penitentiaries, etc. Being that most cities are above ground, all these differences within a given city usually all occur roughly on the same level of ground.

Not so, with Moria. Moria is layered, like a Bundt cake, or a bee hive. Think of it like Dan Akroyd's colon.

On the upper levels, those closest to the top, there the Glory Of Moria is found. Great Halls, endless ornate columns, brilliant artistry in the form of stone work and jewels, shopping, dining, drive in theaters, the whole shooting match. This is where the Dwarf Kings called home, living in all their finery. Below, ever lower and lower, is the industry of Moria, mining, for the most part, and below that the ghettos of Moria. Moria goes down deep, and the lower one descends in Moria, the lower on the totem pole of life are the people to be found there.

In the very basement, far removed from any chance of ever seeing a ray of sunlight, were two odd and very infamous Trolls. They'd been in the service of Moria for a very long time, working in the janitorial division of the Pissant Orc-Troll Army for hundreds of years. In all that time they'd only risen to the rank of Corporal, these two seemingly worthy Trolls. Most say that it wasn't due to their lack of innate gifts, or poor productivity.

No, rumor had it that they were permanently shunned to the basement simply because of their unnaturally close and all too filthy male relationship, and the utter disgust people felt whenever they had to be around these two.

While the Nine poke around in the dark in the upper floors of Moria, seeking for a way through while hoping not to reveal their presence, our two Trolls are miles below, happily enjoying their lunch break. They are oblivious to anything, because today is Tuesday, and Tuesday is their Special Day. Tuesday is the day Skilla and Jimma, our not very intrepid Trolls, bring their homemade "Sincerely" letters to work.~

Skilla-"Hey Jimmah, look at this cool letter I received from the town of Mobile, Alabama! They must still think that fat bitch of yours is staying with me!
Ahem...."

Dear Jimmah's wife,
We just wanted to drop you a thank you note for all the help you provided during our recent nasty floods. The way you let us use you and your incredible sucking Hoover Dam of an oatmeal gash to syphon off all the excess standing water around our trailer parks was awesome! We coudn't believe how much shit you could hold all up in that bitch, especially when Jim Bob's '64 Buick accidentally got lost in that Black Hole of yours! But that's okay, Jim Bob didn't mind much, said the car was a POS anyway!

Anyway, after only six weeks of your incredible cuntal sucking power we managed to get the place back to normal, and we here in Mobile wish to send to you our deepest thanks!
Thankeee!!
Sincerely, the City Of Mobile

"Pretty sweet, huh?"

Jimmah-"BWAAAHAAAAAHAAA!!!!! Racks! Watchout, you're being pummeled with racks! Lookout, Mad Skilla on the loose!!
Still, check this one out! I downloaded it from the CNN Website!"

.......Dateline, Kashmir: Thursday, November 11th, 2001
As fighting intensified in the disputed region of Bangpoop, Kashmir, which shares a disuted border between Pakistan and India, the U.N. seemed to be at a loss as to how to quell the tensions between these two long time hated enemies, each of whom are now armed to their unwashed armpits with nukes. Finally, U.S. Ambassador to Trinidad Tobago, Larry Flynt, the smut magazine purveyor, threw his hat in the ring with an idea on how to reduce tensions in the disputed Kashmir region.

"Why don't we send Skilla's wife over there? She could slut her way through both armies, taking the edge off 'em while simultaneously infecting 'em all with that fast acting VD of hers, which would have all the commanders too concerned with their rotting wangs to care about fightin', and when nobody's looking she could also smuggle the nukes out in that ridiculous rusted out Carlsbad Cavern she's got between her legs!

Sheeeeeooooot, that sumbitch cooter of hers scares even me! But it worked in Chechnya and it worked in North Korea, so why not here?"

Dateline, Brussles, Belgium: Tuesday, November 16th, 2001
It was announced today that for the third year in a row Mrs Skilla's wife won the Nobel Peace Prize, this time for her incredibly quick and tenacious work in solving the seeming Unsolvable, the dispute between Pakistan and India over the region of Kashmir. Now, neither country wants anything to do with Kashmir, as the place is now a festering heap of VD, bereft of all nukes and even most of the conventional rockets. When interviewed after receiving her third award, all Mrs Skilla had to see was this: "Sorry it took so long this time! "

CNN tried to interview Mr Skilla also as he ran from his San Diego YMCA shelter, but all Mr Skilla offered was a yelled out "Lawdy, lawdy, oh man it hurts, it HURTS! That bitch, she made it smell like rotten pineapple yogurt!", as he clutched his crotch and ran off desperately looking for the nearest clinic.
..............

"Whaddya say, Skilla? Rack me?"

"Oh my gawd, Jimmah, I just shat myself!! BWAAAHAAAA!!!!! C'mere, my mighty Trojan Horse!"

~There then ensued another disgusting episode whereby Skilla pulled Jimmah to him for a manly embrace, which quickly degenerated into their usual ripping off of each other's Troll armor as their tongues became entwined and their Troll hands went a gropin'~

"Oh. My. Lord. Cuda, will you just look at the fixtures in this place? A girl could go hog wild decorating this monstrosity! Whoever decided stone was a good medium for interior design? I mean, where's the textures, where's the color, where's the goddamned PASTELS???", bitched Warren, as the Nine entered the Main Rec Hall of Moria.

At the moment, Cuda couldn't be bothered with such observations. He'd gone off and impaled himself on the first stone Gargoyle he'd located, and he was riding that fucker with a frenzy previously seen only when the Sybian machines arrived at their bi-monthly Boys Camp Weekend!

As Terpy began to draw an ARROW (fucking IB! grrrrrr!!) from his quiver to put an end to Cuda, Vandalf stopped him. "Wait. Where have Valvenis and Peehole gone off to? They were just here a second ago!"

"I think I found 'em!", yelled Zy, who had wandered off to the far reaches of the Hall in search of a place to take a dump. Terpy, Filthy, Catfish and Vandalf walked over to where Zy was pointing. Zy pointed again and said, "Please let me kill them. I'll use my axe, and I'll take my time. I don't care what else happens afterwards, I could die a happy Dwarf right now, Vandalf, if you'd just let me kill them now."

As they looked into the fountain to where Zy was pointing the object of Zy's disgust was laid bare. There, in the middle of a stone fountain with a deep well set in the center were Valvenis and Peehole, obviously engaged in having their own little "tea party", of sorts. They'd set themselves across from each other with a little stone tablet and some old blocks serving as the table and tea pot and cups, and Peehole was in the process of feeding Valvenis his "special" teabags.

"Would you like some Peehole cream to go with your teabags, my Beloved?", cooed Peehole as Valvenis brought him to the brink.

"Okay, Zy, kill them.", said Vandalf.

As Zy approached the two deviants they looked up at him and giggled. "Ooooh, has the big bad Dwarf come to show us his axe?", flirted Valvenis.

"Zy, wait", said Vandalf, "What am I thinking? As much as I'd like to, we can't kill the Ringbearer. And we can't kill his manservant either. Sorry."

"Fuck!", yelled Zy to the rooftops. "Fuck fuck fuckity fuck fuckity fuck!! I HATE those guys!!! I better get to kill SOMEBODY!!

~As Skilla and Cuda were sitting in each other's wet spot sharing their afterglow, a drop of pearly moisture suddenly came out of nowhere and landed on Skilla's nose. Jimmah, always observant and kinky, scooped off the droplets and tasted them. "I know this taste......This is cock quiche!! Somebody is up in the Main Hall, and they dripped man mayonnaise on you, Skilla!~

DOOM DOOM......DOOM DOOM........DOOM DOOM....................

"What the fuck is that??????" shrieked Cuda as the booming sound of drums welled up from miles beneath them.

"The alarm! Somebody down below sounded the alarm. I don't know how, but they know we're here, and they're coming!", cried Vandalf!

DOOM DOOM.....DOOM DOOM......DOOMDOOMDOOM...........

"The drums, they're getting louder, they're getting closer. Filthy, bar that main door, the rest of you, fly to the east gate!", bellowed Vandalf.

They all looked at him like "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" contestants.

"THAT one, you retards! THAT one!", yelled Vandalf, pointing to the big obvious gate twenty paces behind them.

As they all ran through the gate towards the light they ended up in another giant Hall, the Hall Of Records. There, they stopped as Zy spotted the great mausoleum in the center of the room. He ran to it, and fell to his knees, crying and cursing. Vandalf moved to Zy and dusted off the mausoleum, and read what was inscribed on the covering stone.

"Here Lies Ron Jeremy, Lord Of Moria", read Vandalf. "It's signed, 'All Zy's Boys.'" "Below it is an inscription. It reads, 'Sorry Dude, we tried. We had this place all to ourselves, we were getting it totally dialed. Take some advice: Whatever you do, don't drip man mayonnaise down the well in that fountain in the other room. Laterz.....'"

"Errrrrrr, ummmmmm..", stammered Peehole....

DOOM DOOM DOOM....DOOMDOOM..DOOMDOOM

"Shit! The DOOMs are getting closer together! I can tell, I used to be a musician!", cried Filthy.

"He's right", said Vandalf, "I used to be a musician too! They are getting closer! All of you, get over that little tiny narrow bridge that crosses that bottomless cavern! We're almost out of here!", cried Vandalf as the door to the other room burst asunder and fire, foes and arrows shot into the open chamber.

"Vandalf", yelled Catfish, "Get your ass moving! C'mon!!"

"No!", boomed Vandalf across the chasm from atop the arched bridge, "There comes here now a foe that is beyond any of your weapons! I must meet this challenge alone!"

The giant Hall was lit by fire as all the orcs and trolls fell back from that which had come, as if even their own lives were at jeopardy by the coming of this fell, terrible new presence. As they seperated a fiery black form leapt atop the bridge, looming enormously over Vandalf. Though all black, it was trimmed in a replica #34 Lakers jersey, and its giant wings stretched from bridge to ceiling. In one hand it held a giant beer, and in the other a keyboard, cord dangling loosely behind like a whip.

He was utterly horrid to behold, the evilist and most accursed of black spirits awakened from the earliest depths of time. It was thought that his kind had died off ages ago, if in fact such things had ever even truly existed.

"AEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!", screamed the Nobbits. Zy's axe fell as did his jaw, and even Terpy The Elf could not dare to look. Filthy was busy trying to pull Peehole from between his legs, where Peehole had been trying to burrow to safety.

"I knew it", said an awe stricken Catfish, "I knew we shouldn't have come to Moria. Of all the trials, this be the most accursed. An R.C. Collins is awoken, here, from the depths of darkness. Vandalf, good luck, dumbass. Maybe next time when you bring a Catfish with you you'll be smart enough to heed his councils."

"Catfish, cannot Vandalf defeat this evil through the might of his Wizardry?", asked a thoroughly terrified Filthy, who was inching his way back towards the exit, while vainly trying to extricate Peehole from within his leather jerkin.

"Yes, he can", Catfish said, "though it will tax all his remaining strength to do so. I fear for him!"

Just then the room lit up with a great white light, as Vandalf held aloft his wooden staff. He shook the walls with his command, and the orcs fled before his wrath. The R.C. Collins backed up a step, and his fire withdrew. In its place was a deadly cold hatred, and he again moved forward on the bridge and he thrust suddenly forward with his beer mug, which was met by Glamdring, Vandalf's elven sword. The beer mug was shattered, and the R.C. Collins was enraged!

Vandalf stood firm and rose up in white flame and terror, and cried out "R.C. Collins, I am a servant of the Secret Fire, and you are but a really fucking smug Laker Fan!! I command thee to return to that enormous library you call Staples Center, never to bother mortals again! Like Robert Horry......YOU CANNOT PASS!!!!

And with that, Vandalf smote the bridge with his staff, and the bridge shattered and broke beneath the R.C. Collins!

"Holy crap!", exclaimed Terpy, "It looks like Vandalf kicked the R.C. Collins's ass!"

As the R.C. Collins tumbled down into the black depths Vandalf turned to the group and went into the Ray Lewis dance, replete with crotch grabbing and everything. "Yeeeeeah, BOOOOYYYYYY!!!", pimped Vandalf, and the group ran up to High Five him. At that moment, the falling R.C. Collins whipped the keyboard cord up and around Vandalf's knees, pulling him down until he was hanging by his fingers from the bridge, slipping.

"Holy crap!", exclaimed Terpy, "It looks like Vandalf talked shit too soon!"

"Fly you fools, fly!!", exclaimed Vandalf as he was losing his grip, "Quit staring at me and get the fuck outta here!! Seek for Lothlorien, and Innocent Bystander, I'll catch up with y'all laterrrrrrrrrrrrr...", Vandalf's voice was heard as it trailed down into the abyss........


~to be continued~


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Didn't we know? Didn't we feel it?

Time, it seemed to stop outside our window...As we ran down the freeway, to be free.....of everthing...



[This message has been edited by Van [down by the river] (edited January 23, 2002).]

[OmegaVerb]

Such a sad story ...

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It's not like you to be so stupid ... Try harder next time.

[IBystander]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by OmegaVerb:
Such a sad story ...<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

"As Terpy began to draw a bow from his quiver to put an end to Cuda Vandalf stopped him...."

RC had to do it, man... he had to do it. (Pass the kleenex.)

[Buttspray]

There's 4 or 5 things I'd like to go over with anyone. Feel free to talk.

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<A HREF="http://160.79.129.225/waves/10110/fart3112.wav" TARGET=_blank>Click on this for what I really think of you!

</A>

[R.C. Collins]

Wielding a beer mug & a keyboard cord?

Damn. I had better get my nappy ass to a hardware store. A garage door spring would be more menacing than that brokedick weaponry. And Staples isnt a library Van. Its a high-priced car thief outreach center.

Nice to be called a "smug Laker fan" again though. I was beginning to think Id lost my touch.

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"I kinda thought winning wasnt important."

"ME winning isnt..YOU do."

[Van [down by the river]]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Buttspray:
There's 4 or 5 things I'd like to go over with anyone.

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Like what?



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Didn't we know? Didn't we feel it?

Time, it seemed to stop outside our window...As we ran down the freeway, to be free.....of everthing...