Post your funnies here

[Sniffer]

High Tech Woman

Three Women - One German, One Japanese and a Newfie were sitting naked in a Jacuzzi. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German lady pressed her forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at her questioningly. "That was my pager," she said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The Newfie woman felt decidedly low tech. Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the Jacuzzi and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging out from her behind. The others raised their eyebrows and just stared at her. The Newfie woman finally said, "LORD THUNDERIN JEEZUZ, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT. I'M GETTING A FAX."

[Më£ïñÐa]

*LMAO*

i wasnt expecting that...

*L*

[Sniffer]

The Rancher's Widow

A rancher died before his time leaving behind a middle aged widow. She had never been involved in the day to day running of the ranch. That had always been her husband's domain. Not wanting to give up her home, she decided to hire a ranch hand to run the place for her. She placed an ad in the local paper and had only two applicants. One was an old drunk and the other was a gay man. Both had many years experience. After some thought she decided to go with the gay man figuring that she'd be safe from unwanted advances if she hired him. He moved to the ranch and began work immediately. It turns out that he was fantastic at his job and the ranch was more profitable than it had ever been but the widow noticed that he never, ever took any time off. One night she suggested that he take a night off and go out on the town and have a little fun. He agreed and promptly headed out. When he arrived back at the ranch at 3 a.m. he found the widow waiting up for him with a gleam in her eye. She told him to come closer. He walked over to stand directly in front of her. She looked him in the eye and whispered "take off my blouse." Slowly he reached up and began unbuttoning her blouse, one button at a time, and dropped it on the floor at her feet. "Now the bra" she said. He reached for the clasp and unhooked her bra, sliding it off and dropping it on the floor with the blouse. "Now my skirt please" she said. With trembling fingers he slowly unzipped the skirt and it too ended up on the floor. The widow looked him in the eye and said.... "if you EVER wear my clothes into town again your fired!"

[Sniffer]

Subject: For your reading pleasure!


If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome
including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will
have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
"something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his
room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad.
Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into
his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,
looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to
reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she
inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my
most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she
informed me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on.

I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're
about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of
tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think
she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a
tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it
next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several
more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they
could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the
females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women
can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one
thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak
to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step
outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay ?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor.In
fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see,
Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity,
like most male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he
did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you
know what I' m saying, Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just...just... excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle, and giggle
and then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman
I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It' s just...that...I'm picturing
you pulling on its . its...teeny little..." She gasped for more air to
bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the
lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going
to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for whatyou've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 Lizards - $140...
1 Cage - $50.....
Trip to the Vet - $30...

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's wacker.....Priceless

[Sniffer]

LEARN CHINESE IN FIVE MINUTES!!


1) That's not right..............Sum
Ting Wong

2) Are you harboring a fugitive?.......... Hu Yu Hai
Ding

3) See me ASAP...........Kum Hia Nao

4) Stupid
Man.............Dum Fuk

5) Small Horse...........Tai Ni Po Ni

6)
Did you go to the beach?.......... Wai Yu So Tan?

7) I bumped into a
coffee table.......... Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni

8) I think you need a face
lift..... Chin Tu Fat

9) It's very dark in here.............. Wao So
Dim?

10) I thought you were on a diet............. Wai Yu Mun
Ching?

11) This is a tow away zone............ No Pah King

12) Our
meeting is scheduled for next week.. Wai Yu Kum Nao?

13) Staying out of
sight......... Lei Ying Lo

14) He's cleaning his
automobile.................... Wa Shing Ka

15) Your body odor is
offensive...................... Yu Stin Ki Pu

16)
Great................... Fa Kin Su Pah