Joke a Day

[Cowboy83]

Subject: "You Know You're a Redneck When... 2003 Edition!"
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
3. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
4. You think the Nutcracker is something you do off the high dive.
5. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
6. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
8. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
9. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
10. Your grandmother has Ammo on her Christmas list.
11. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
12. Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.
13. You have used a rag for a gas cap.
14. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
15. You wonder how service stations keep their rest rooms so clean.
16. You can spit without opening your mouth.
17. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
18. You have a complete set of salad bowls, and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
19. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
20. Your working TV sits on top of your non working TV.
21. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
22. You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
23. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.
24. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvement.
25. You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
26. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty

[peteTR25]

Very good jokes. Iam laughing while posting this reply.

pete

[Cowboy83]

The Iraqi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where he meets Colin Powell. They shake hands and, after a brief chat about world affairs, the Iraqi says, "I have a question that I think perhaps you can answer." The Iraqi ambassador continues, "My son watches this show, 'Star Trek,' and in it there are Russians, Blacks and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek." Colin Powell chuckles, leans toward the Iraqi and whispers, "It's because it takes place in the future...."

[Cowboy83]

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Fathers business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was
God.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a
Californian:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all---3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. And even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work to do.
Amen!!!

[peteTR25]

Thanks Cowboy. That was a great joke.


pete

[Cowboy83]

Speeding?

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps opens the clutch purse and
examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up
the owner.
Woman: 'Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.

[SummerStorm]

*giggles softly n POSTS because you were just bitchin*L* ab out people NOT postin regularily however the FUCK thats spelled*L*....on this thread......now do whatcha gotta do n getcher ass to bed yanno we're gonna be up earlier than normal as Boo is here*

[Cowboy83]

A good way to find out if your daughter is having sex...........
Little Johnny was 7 years old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about 'courting' from the older boys, and he
wondered what it was and how it was done.
One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered.
Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the
curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend.
This he did. The following morning, Johnny described EVERYTHING to his
mother.
"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he started kissing
and hugging her I figured 'Sis must be getting sick because her face started
looking funny.
He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to
feel her heart, just the way the doctor would.
Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble
finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both
of them started panting and getting all out of breath.
His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt. About
this time 'Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and
slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I
knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot.
Finally, I found out what was making them so sick -- a big eel had gotten
inside his pants somehow.
It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long,
honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.
When Sis saw it, she got really scared -- her eyes got big, and her mouth
fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that.
She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the
ones down at the lake by our house!
Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All
of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a
muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from
biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a
scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel.
The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her
boyfriend almost upset the couch.
I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. Her
boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel.
I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were
hanging out.
Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went
back to courting anyway.
He started hugging and kissing her again.
By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight
again. I guess eels are like cats -- they have nine lives or something.
This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about
a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead,
because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the
toilet.

[Cowboy83]

This is so funny!!!
If you're over the age of 21 you will enjoy this..When I was a kid adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious
diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what
with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both
ways through year 'round blizards carrying their younger siblings on
their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a
straight-A average despite their full-time after-school job at the
local textile
mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their
family from starving to death!
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way
in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about
how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
But....
Now that I've reached the ripe old age of twenty-nine, I can't help
but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so
fuckin' easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a
goddamned Utopia!
And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good
you've got it.
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet--we wanted to
know
something, we had to go to the goddamned library and look it up
ourselves!
And there was no email! We had to actually write somebody a
letter--with a pen!--and then you had to walk all the way across the
street and put it in the fuckin' mailbox and it would take like a
week to get there!
And there were no MP3s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you
had to go to the goddamned record store and shoplift it yourself! Or
we had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd
usually talk over the begining and fuck it all up!
You want to hear about hardship?
You couldn't just download porn! You had to bribe some homeless dude
to buy you a copy of "Hustler" at the 7-11! It was either that or
jackoff to the lingere section of the JC Penney catalog!Those were
your options!
We didn't have fancy shit like Call Waiting! If you were on the
phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal!
And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the the phone
rang, you had no idea who it was it could be your boss, your mom, a
collections agent, your drug dealer, you didn't know!!! You just had
to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
And we didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation videogames with
high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like
"Space
Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked ass! Your guy was
a little square! You had to use your imagination! And there were no
multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you
could never win, the game just kept getting harder and faster until
you
died!
Just like LIFE!
When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium
seating! All the seats were the same height! A tall guy sat in front
of you, you were screwed!
And sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like
20
channels and there was no onscreen menu! You had to use a little
book called a TV Guide to find out what was on!
And there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on
Saturday morning... ...D'ya hear what the fuck I'm saying!?! We had
to wait ALL WEEK, you spoiled little bastards! That's exactly what
I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're
spoiled, I swear to God! You guys wouldn't last five minutes back in
1974!

Ok honey I'm on my way to bed right now, I'm just very glad I've got my coffe for in the morning*L* talk to y'all later, The Cowboy

[SummerStorm]

*L* baby you be NUTZ!!!!!!