Q&A ? Should I Trust My New Boyfriend?
Daily Inspiration
John H. Sklare, Ed.D
Thursday, September 6, 2007

Dr. John H. Sklare
Q: How do you deal with your boyfriend?s ex-wife? They stay in touch because they have two children together, and I feel that is important for the kids. But I think his ex-wife probably knows too much about our lives. I could be wrong, but it?s just a gut feeling I have. He is a wonderful guy and treats me well. My last marriage was abusive, and if I have trust issues, I could be ruining a really good relationship. Any advice?

-Julie T.

A: Hi Julie,

You raise an interesting question that many others will identify with. Dating someone who has children and an ex-spouse definitely makes things a bit more complicated, but the good news is people manage this all the time, so there is absolutely hope here. The issue of the exes staying in touch when there are children involved is one that everyone must maneuver through in this situation. You don?t mention how old the children are, but it?s no surprise they talk to their mother about you and the life they have when they are with you and their father. Frankly, I?m not sure there is any way to stop the flow of information from the children to their mother. You are probably right about her knowing too much about your lives, but I think this is unavoidable under these circumstances. It?s an issue you simply have to learn to adjust to. If you are good person who is good to their father and good to them, I think you just have to let the information chips fall where they will.

The trust issue is a different matter, and lack of trust definitely has a way of, as you fear, ruining a really good relationship. I am a bit confused, however, over what the trust issue is here. I?m not sure if your worry is about him being potentially abusive or if it?s that you don?t trust him with his ex? My instincts tell me that the trust issue here is about potential abuse. If that?s the case, I would suggest counseling, Julie. These kinds of trust issues typically are not really about the other person as much as they are about you. Since you say he is a wonderful guy who treats you well and your last relationship was abusive, I think some one-on-one time with a trained professional would do you and this relationship a world of good!

Wishing You Great Health,
Dr. John H. Sklare
www.innerdiet.com