Laugh Dammit !

[ellanoize]

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding ...






Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see... Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer: Looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
Older Woman: Opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
Older Woman: Digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
Officer 2: Examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

[ellanoize]

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. So when he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head and fired a shot into the ceiling. ''WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?'' he yelled.
No one answered.
''ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA' BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS!''
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The cowboy had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, ''Say partner, before you go. . .what happened in Texas?''
The cowboy turned back and said, ''I had to walk home.''

[ellanoize]

New Drugs for Women

DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.


EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out !


ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.


PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.


DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.


FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.


MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. "


BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.


JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat


ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.


NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth

[ellanoize]

t's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.

"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.


"That's cool," says Bobby.


Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.


Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."


Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it.


"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"


Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.


A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation,

Bobby escorts his date out the front door.


Twenty minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, "DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

[ellanoize]

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa , half
discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with
fertile soil.

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America , well
developed and open to trade, especially for someone
with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India , very hot,
relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France , gently
aging; but still warm and a desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain ,
with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia , lost
some wars, won some great battles but haunted by past
mistakes, still very strong and proud.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia , very wide
and borders are now largely un-patrolled.

After 70, she be comes Tibet .. Off the beaten path,
with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the
ages...still desirable but only those with an
adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual
knowledge and true love dare visit there.

GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 78, a man is like Iran , ruled by a dick

[ellanoize]

Things to say at work when you're stressed:

"Okay, okay! I take it back. Unscrew you"

"You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing"

"Well this day was a total waste of make-up"

"Well aren't we a bloody ray of sunshine?"

"Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after."

"Do I look like a people person?"

"This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting"

"I started out with nothing and still have most of it left"

"Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose"

"Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control?"

"I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years."

"Sarcasm is just one more service I offer."

"Do they ever shut up on your planet?"

"I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable"

"Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't gone to sleep yet"

"Back off!! You're standing in my aura."

"Don't worry. I forgot your name too."

"I work 45 hours a week to be this poor."

"Not all men are annoying. Some are dead."

"Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality"

"Chaos, panic and disorder ... my work here is done."

"Ambivalent? Well yes and no."

"You look like shit. Is that the style now?"

"Earth is full. Go home."

"Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?"

"I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert."

"A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth."

"You are depriving some village of an idiot."

"If assholes could fly, this place would be a freaking airport."

[ellanoize]

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the
Line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the
Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell
You which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press,
Nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the
Beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.< BR>

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term
Memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up... Our operators are too
Busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie
Down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your
Part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you
Care.

I contacted YOU, so my job is done

[ellanoize]

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little something extra for my wife, Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt pocket/purse- sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun --adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was working.. Awe some!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A
batteries, right?!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to
protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wr ong??

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one- second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'don't do it,' reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!!&n bsp; I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

You should know, if you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. SON-OF-A-... that hurt like heck!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock,
Earl

[statstar]

Tax Code 2008

The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is the male penis.

This is due to the fact that 69% of the time it is hanging around
unemployed, 10% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is
pissed off and 1% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has
two dependents and they are both nuts!

HOWEVER, effective January 1, 2008, the penis will now be taxed
according to size:

The brackets are as follows:

10 - 12" Luxury Tax $300.00
8 - 10" Pole Tax $250.00
5 - 8" Privilege Tax $150.00
3 - 5" Nuisance Tax $30.00

Males exceeding 12" must file capital gains.
Anyone under 4" is eligible for a tax refund.

PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION

[Rogue Angel]

hi Rusty, whoever you are! s* looks like you've been around since 2004.. longer than me, lol. But i've never seen you around these parts... come back and post more..! it was funny. *L*

btw. i think that is the most oddly disturbing av i've seen in awhile. *G*

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