Laugh Dammit !

[ellanoize]

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."

The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"

The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq."

The nun said, "I understand completely."

The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either."

[Rogue Angel]

oh my..... *screamlaugh*.... [img]graemlins/thumbs_up.gif[/img]

[BlackMagicRose]

JFDL...why do I have a feeling this has actually been used as a tactic to avoid going to Iraq...LOL.

[ellanoize]

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year's Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.



We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.



The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.



My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Good-bye to my mother.'



A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'



The cab driver hit a parked car.

[mRs.GaToR]

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer
evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood
up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from
the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back-seat,
"Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to
tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I
fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood
there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and
came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a
charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then,
'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his
teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions
expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his
parents."

KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of
the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked
her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the
minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother Then she
added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right
now. She's hitting the bottle."

MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the
women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst
into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for
cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked,
"What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy
before?"

POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary
school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years
old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are
you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the
report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask
the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her.
"Well, then," she said as she extended her foo t toward me,
"would you please tie my shoe?"

POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in
front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9
Partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at
me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure
is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then
towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to
elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my
afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the
various appliances of old age, particularly the canes,
walker s and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a
pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself
for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and
whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"


DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.
When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned,"Daddy,
you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?""You know
that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church,
our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly
made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and
his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper
burial should be performed, they had secured a small
box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the
disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say
the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned
his version of what he thought his father always said:
"Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn and into the
hole he gooooes . "

SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
"I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't
read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was
fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly,
something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object
and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that
had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I
found", the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?"
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered,
"I think it's Adam's underwear!"


Just a little smile can make a person's day brighter!

[ellanoize]

A guy is 77 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up.' He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride.'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'

[ellanoize]

I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

[Rogue Angel]

LMFAO!!!!!! [img]graemlins/thumbs_up.gif[/img] [img]tongue.gif[/img]

[ellanoize]

A car gets a flat on the interstate one day. The
blonde driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road, she
carefully
steps out of the car and opens the trunk. She takes out two cardboard
men,
unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming

traffic.


The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude
bodies
and private parts to approaching drivers not surprisingly, the traffic

becomes snarled and backed up.

It isn't very long before a police car arrives. The officer, clearly
enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling,
'What's
going on here?'

'My car broke down, officer' says the woman calmly.

'Well, what the heck are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by
the
road?' he asks.


'Helllooooooo!!!!' says the blonde. 'Those are my emergency flashers!'

[mRs.GaToR]

A man was laying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having several hours of great sex, she spent the next hour just stroking his penis, something she seemed to love doing.

Thoroughly enjoying it, he turned and asked her, 'Why do you love doing that?'

She replied, 'Because I really miss mine.'