Laugh Dammit !

[ellanoize]

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie

[BlackMagicRose]

Hey...now that is a prime example of delegation!!! LMAO [img]tongue.gif[/img]

[BlackMagicRose]

RAISING BOYS

a) For those who have grown children, this is hysterical.

b) For those who have children past this age, this is hilarious.

c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.

d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.

e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas:
Things I've learned from my boys (honest and not kidding):

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9) A six-year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old boy.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) 80% of women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

25.) 80% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

[ellanoize]

I can't belive how fast the room filled with smoke when <s>I mixed</s> someone mixed Brakefluid & clorox [img]tongue.gif[/img]

[ellanoize]

A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy"

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

[BlackMagicRose]

ROTFL...evidently it is easier for a man to build a bridge than to understand a woman...LMAO. [img]tongue.gif[/img]

[ellanoize]

[img]redface.gif[/img] [img]graemlins/rose.gif[/img] [img]graemlins/boy_hug.gif[/img] [img]graemlins/girl_hug.gif[/img] [img]smile.gif[/img]

<font color="#000000" size="1">[ June 25, 2007 10:58 AM: Message edited by: ellanoize ]</font>

[petenv]

ROTFL

[Rogue Angel]

rog... *smooOOooches*... i just noticed. *L*. [img]graemlins/heart.gif[/img] [img]graemlins/rose.gif[/img] [img]graemlins/kiss.gif[/img] [img]graemlins/girl_hug.gif[/img]

<font color="#000000" size="1">[ June 26, 2007 07:22 PM: Message edited by: Rogue Angel ]</font>

[ellanoize]

Bono, the lead singer of the band U2 is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.

He is playing a U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland when he asks the audience for total quiet.
Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds.

Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice with a broad Scottish accent, from near the front of the crowd, pierces the silence.............
"Well, fukin stop doin it then!