Soooo funny!!

[phoenixrising79]

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.
He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around
just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have
anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came
into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down,
crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated,
"but for this reading, I can't use An oral thermometer."

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled
over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer,
he heard her
announce, " I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I
get back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out! He curses
under his Breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing.
After a half hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's
going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever
seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a carnation". [img]smile.gif[/img] [img]smile.gif[/img]

[ellanoize]

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire
length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a
well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary
Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular,
"Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was
under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little
dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! This American
should be put in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up,
"Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.

You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.

And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window!"

[phoenixrising79]

LMAO, that last one was good

[Rogue Angel]

*cracks up*.... [img]tongue.gif[/img]

[phoenixrising79]

SIGN IN A STORE WINDOW

'WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000

AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE AMERICAN'

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Philadelphia .

You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. One would think that anti-hate groups from all across the country would be marching on this business and that the National Guard might have to be called to keep the angry crowds back. But, perhaps in these stressful times one might be tempted to let the proprietors simply make their statement.

We are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty. And after all, it is just a sign.
You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign?


Answer: A Funeral Home
(Who said morticians had no sense of humor?)

You gotta love it!!!

[BlackMagicRose]

JFDL....pretty much. I still like my screaming blackberry bush story.
[img]tongue.gif[/img]

[phoenixrising79]

A New Kind of Car
Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria.

"Hey, whatever happened to Pete in payroll?"one asked.

"He got this harebrained notion he was going to build a new kind of car," his co-worker replied.

"How was he going to do it?"

"He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy, seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from Caddy and, well, you get the idea."

"So what did he end up with?"

"Ten years to life."

[phoenixrising79]

Fifty-Fifty
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at Burger King. He noticed that they ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries. One for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup, and set it in front of his wife. The old man began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."

The young man than asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn using the teeth."

[phoenixrising79]

Can I Help?
One summer evening a young son came in while his parents were setting the table for supper. Quite surprisingly, he asked if he could help.

His mother said, "No, but I appreciate you asking."

The child responded, "Well, I appreciate you saying no."

[phoenixrising79]

Lawyers and computers have both been proliferating since 1970. Unfortunately, lawyers, unlike computers, have not gotten twice as smart and half as expensive every 18 months.