Laffin' time

[ellanoize]

A man goes to the Doctor, He tells him He thinks he is a deck of cards.
The Doctor tells him to go into the cubical and he will deal with him later

[ellanoize]

On the first day of school, several children brought gifts for their new teacher.

The Florist son brought her a bouquet of beautiful flowers.

The Candy Store Owner's daughter brought a box of fine chocolates.

Next was the Liquor store owners son who struggled with a heavy cardboard box.

The Teacher noticed that the box was leaking a little bit. She touched her finger to a drop and tasted it.

Is this wine, she asked

No Maam answered the little boy.

She again touched her finger to a drop and raised it to her lips, Is It Champagne?

No Maam, answered the little boy, I brought you a puppy

[ellanoize]

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said"Well yeah, if that's what they are, I never heard of circle flies."
So the farmer says "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because
they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass."
The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

[cherrysis]

Oh gotta love those farmers!!!

[ellanoize]

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.
Short line.
Just one lady in front of me. . .an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated . . .
She asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people, too!"

[ellanoize]

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

[BlackMagicRose]

LMAO...I actually can see that being said. [img]tongue.gif[/img] [img]eek.gif[/img]

[ellanoize]

We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine..
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray
along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill with beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:
(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine....
(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery .
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:
(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine....
(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins,
sauces, and brings them to the table
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(10) Everyone PRAISES and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just
no pleasing some women....

[mRs.GaToR]

Children today are well aware of what goes on in the home I do believe.... A 4th grader asked her mother the age-old question, "How did I get here?" Her mother told her, "God sent you."
Did God send you, too?" asked the child.
Yes, Dear," the mother replied.
"What about Grandma and Grandpa?" the child persisted.
"He sent them also" the mother said.
"Did he send their parents, too?" asked the child.
"Yes, Dear, He did," said the mother patiently.
"So you're telling me that there has been NO sex in this Family for 200 years?
No wonder everyone's so damn grouchy around here."

[ellanoize]

That was a good 'un Mrs G...

A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells
her that her hair smells nice.
the woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why.
the supervisor is puzzled what's wrong with the coworker telling you that your hair smells nice? the woman replies "he's a midget."