Laffin' time

[ellanoize]

An 18 year old redneck girl tells her Mom that she has missed her
period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore
and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting,cursing, crying, the mother says "who was the pig that did this to you?
I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their trailer, and a mature and
a distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani
suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the
living room with the father, mother and the girl, and tells them:
"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't
marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house,
two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa,and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand
firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You try again."

[ellanoize]

Three men are at a bar, and two of the men are acting very macho and talking
about the control they have over their wives. The third remains silent.

After a while, the first two men turn to the third and ask, "What about you?
What kind of control do you have over your wife?"

The third man turns to the first two and says, "Well, I'll tell you, just the
other day I had her on her knees."

The first two men were dumbfounded.

"Whoa! What happened next?", they asked, inching closer to hear what the third
man had to say.

The third man took a healthy swig of his beer, sighed and said, "Yep. I had
her on her knees. Until she started screaming, 'Get out from under the bed and
fight like a man!'"

[ellanoize]

Real Newspaper Ads:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.


FREE PUPPIES...
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a
Single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat ... Been out a while.
Better be a reward.


COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE.
Call Stephanie.

AND THE BEST ONE :


FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes
Excellent condition
$1,000 or best offer
No longer needed, got married last month.
Wife knows everything.

[ellanoize]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her
students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd
grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would
give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to
go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed
to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry : "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should
know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to
the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks : "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious
and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks : "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer,
Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a
dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks : "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot
of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in
the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... "

[ellanoize]

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Porsche Carrera GT in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's door.
Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Porsche, his lights flashing. But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Porsche, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how hard the body shop tries to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are,"
he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"
"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer.

(scroll down)


"MY ROLEX!"

[ellanoize]

Two newlyweds are riding in the back of a limo on the way to their honeymoon boat cruise. The husband says, "Honey, I want to stop and pick up some rubbers before we go."
"Good idea," she says. "While you're in there, pick me up some Dramamine."
The groom gets out, walks into the drugstore and says to the clerk, "I'd like a box of condoms and a package of Dramamine, please."
"Yes sir", says the clerk, "but do you mind if I ask you a question? If it makes you so nauseous, why do you do it?"

[cherrysis]

ROTF...


How do you know when a man's sperm count is really high???
Because when a woman gives him head she has to chew before she swallows!!!

[img]graemlins/thinking.gif[/img] [img]graemlins/thinking.gif[/img] [img]graemlins/thinking.gif[/img] Did I really just say that [img]wink.gif[/img]

[mRs.GaToR]

EEEEWWWWW Sis! *LMAO*

[ellanoize]

Ohhh My! [img]confused.gif[/img]

[BlackMagicRose]

LMAO...that's bad...WAYYYYY bad. [img]eek.gif[/img]