Laffin' time

**ellanoize** · September 21st, 2007, 12:42 PM

Thank you Mum, I can't tell jokes , but I sure can post 'em...LOL

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Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he! Didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

**ellanoize** · September 22nd, 2007, 04:53 PM

One dark night in the small town of Garfield , NJ, a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on t he scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret sausage recipes are in the v ault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will donate $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out and delivers them to me."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be ca lled in because the situation became desperate.. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that could save them.

Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Lodi , NJ volunteer fire department composed mainly of Italian firefighters over the age of 65

To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Italian firefighters, passed fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Italian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance that was as if they were fighting to save their own lives Within a short time, the Lodi old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.

The gratef ul sausage company president joyfully announced that fo r such a superhuman accomplishment he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Italian firefighters.

A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Italian fire chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Wella," said Chief Pasquale De Luccinellavanti, the 70-year-old fire chief, "de fursta tinga we gonnna do isza fixa uppa de brakes on dat fockinna truck!!"

**ellanoize** · September 27th, 2007, 01:39 PM

little old man and woman decide to get married.........they find out they both need a physical for the marriage.......
so they go to the doctors and a young doctor comes out to talk to the couple......the little old man is hard of hearing but he understands, but a little unconfortable...the doctor asked him if he could examine his wife to be first........the little man agrees and she follows him to his office........30 minutes later the doctor comes back to the little old man and sits next to him......in a compassionate voice he leans over to the man and says..........."after thoroughly examining your wife to be ......i found she has acute angina"......the little man turned red and looked around the room.............smiling he turned to the doctor and said......."he..he..he.......i know.......she showed it to me too"

**mr rogie** · October 2nd, 2007, 08:21 PM

Job Vacancy

Job Title: HORSEBACK RIDING ASSISTANT

Job location: Beach in Tambaba

Salary: $5 per week

People needed : 3
APPLICANTS (so far) : 6,437,943

helpwanted

**ellanoize** · October 15th, 2007, 01:41 PM

So the other night my wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we?re laying in bed. I looked over at her and, in my sexiest voice, asked her ?Wanna have sex??

?No.? She answered.

I said, ?Is that your final answer??

?Yes.? She replied.

So I said, ?I?d like to phone a friend.?

That?s the last thing I remember?

husband wife fighting

**ellanoize** · October 22nd, 2007, 01:57 PM

A Woman's Poem

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him...
Like his mother used to do

**cherrysmum** · November 2nd, 2007, 10:31 PM

laughter keeps us feeling good...thanks rog

**ellanoize** · January 17th, 2008, 06:27 PM

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, ' Grandma, what 's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. ' It's called sexual intercourse, darling. '
Little Tony said, ' Oh, OK, ' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, ' Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's Mum wants to talk to you. '

**ellanoize** · February 3rd, 2008, 04:23 AM

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving ?"