That is not funny!

[statstar]

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked
robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily
the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it
was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a
healthy son.
All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.
"What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet
came out," replied the daughter.
The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out."
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the
Mom, "I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."
"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."

[statstar]

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair; she lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior, "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."
"It was ," sighed the Sister."And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to
Christ."
"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"
"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"
"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"
"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"
"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blasp heme, Sister!"
"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"
"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother.
"But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"
"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile. "Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling,
and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"

[cherrysmum]

hahaha...that is a good golf joke

[ellanoize]

Three old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home.
About then an old Grandpa walked by, and one of the old Grandma's yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."
The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools."
One of the old Grandma's said, "Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age."
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.
The Grandma's asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said, "you're 87 years". The old man was impressed and asked, "how on earth did you guess my exact age?"
The old ladies started laughing and said: "we were at your birthday yesterday!!!!"

[cherrysmum]

hahahahahhaha.....

[ellanoize]

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She
wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them.
Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure, they just continued to watch her.
After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic
devices?"
He hadn't - and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a
towel and our big Radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find
out what she's really doing."
Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up &down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.
Well, Is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly. No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.
Well, what is it then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesperson."
"Batteries?" cried the wife.
"Yes ....." he replied -

OOOH - Now this is going to kill you

OOOOH - You're gonna hate me for this -
but it will make your day!!!

she sells C cells by the sea shore!"

[cherrysmum]

groaning**** [img]graemlins/thumbs_up.gif[/img]

[ellanoize]

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their
Lives.

When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One
day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our
lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor:
when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's
soft-ball there.'

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, 'Barb, you've been my
best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor
for you.' Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

At midnight a few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by
a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Barb,
Barb.'

'Who is it?' asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'

'Barb -- it's me , Rose.'

'You're not Rose. Rose just died.'

'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,' insisted the voice.

'Rose! Where are you?'

'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good news and a little
bad news.'

'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb.

'The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's Softball in Heaven. Better
yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better
than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime,
and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all
we want, and we never get tired.'

'That's fantastic,' said Barb. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's
the bad news?'

'You're pitching Tuesday.'

[ellanoize]

I went into the gas station today and
Asked for five dollars worth of gas...

The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

[ellanoize]

Douglas was being evaluated for mental problems and was asked by the doctor, 'If a train was coming down the hallway toward you, what would you do?'
Douglas replied, 'I would get in my helicopter and fly away!'
The doctor then asked, 'Where did you get a helicopter from?'
Douglas replied, 'The same place you got that fucking train!'