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In order to keep the malls from being overly crowded on this last shopping weekend before Christmas, many mall managers have decided this year to start requiring shoppers to pass a special holiday test.
That?s right: Shoppers will be forced to line up at mall entrances to take the Holiday Achievement Challenge Tests, better known as the HACT, before they will be allowed to mix it up in the stores. The purpose is to keep inept shoppers from getting in the way of experienced shoppers who really know how to spend money.
Now, we know some of you may be worried that your test-taking skills have diminished so much over the years that you might be kept from finishing your shopping this weekend. Relax, Talk?s here to help.
We?ve gotten our hands on a sample HACT exam by rummaging around in a Dumpster behind Columbiana Centre.
So here?s your chance to practice. Clear off the kitchen table and get out a No. 2 pencil. And, please, keep your eyes on your own paper.
1. The first Christmas trees in the United States were used in the early 1800s by: a) German settlers in Pennsylvania; b) Burl Ives? grandparents; b) a band of drunken lumberjacks in Indiana; d) a Virginia family that did it as a gag and still can?t believe it caught on.
2. S.C. native Joel Robert Poinsett introduced what traditional Christmas plant to the United States: a) fern; b) kudzu; c) Chia pet; d) poinsettia
3. Which one isn?t a reindeer for Santa? a) Dasher; b) dancer; c) Prancer; d) Ajax; e) Blitzen
4. If you arrive at the last spot in the Best Buy parking lot at the exact same time as another shopper, what should you do? a) Give him a gesture that lets him know he?s No. 1; b) Play a high-stakes game of chicken with your front bumpers; b) Graciously concede the spot and wait for another to open up; d) Graciously concede the spot and then let the air out of his tires when he goes into the store.
5. Name the author of the classic poem ? ?Twas the Night Before Christmas?: a) Clement Clarke Moore; b) Clement Michael Moore; c) Clement Mandy Moore; d) Clement Clark Kent
6. If you?ve waited until Christmas Eve to shop for your wife, what?s the best gift you can get her: a) that sporty fishing rod you?ve had your eye on; b) a bottle of Eckerd?s perfume; c) a three-pack of red-and-green socks; d) a $20 gift certificate from Arby?s; e) none of the above
7. English illustrator John Calcott Horsley is credited with creating this traditional item in 1843: a) Christmas wreath; b) eggnog; c) Christmas card; d) Ronco Six-Star Steak Knives.
8. Fill in the blank: The Santa Claus in the mall ... a) is an Elvis impersonator in the summer; b) has the faint smell of gin on his breath; c) needs to take his red suit to the dry cleaners; d) doesn?t like to be reminded that he left a couple of items off your list last Christmas.
9. What Bing Crosby song remains the most-recorded Christmas tune of all time: a) ?Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer? b) ?Feliz Navidad? c) ?Jingle Bell Rock? d) ?White Christmas?
10. What?s the maximum amount of time that in-laws should allowed to stay in your home during the holidays: a) three days; b) three hours; c) three months; d) right up until the divorce
Bonus question: What is ?The Nutcracker? ballet about: a) a young German girl who dreams of a Nutcracker Prince and battles a Mouse King; b) a young female lifeguard who patrols the beach with David Hasselhoff; c) an aging baseball player who?s accused of using steroids to set home-run records; d) a young American girl who listens to Prince on her headphones while working at Burger King.
OK, time?s up. Hope everyone did well. Good luck Saturday. Hope you get to shop.
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