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a rapping at the entrance...
he responded and swung the door
wide only to find her shoulders
slouched sadly and traditionally attired
in tank top, sequins sparse.
bare lean limbs hung
loosely by her thinned hips
and a posterior less pillowed.
her eyes hopped like raindrops
when the door remained ajar!
his face exploded silliness.
stares corresponded.
and former lovers fashioned
a firm reunion composed of arms.
<font color="#00FF00" size="1">[ September 27, 2006 05:58 AM: Message edited by: machinery ]</font>
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I absolutely love the imagery and word choice here. I don't understand your use of an exclamation after ajar tho. It made the line read wierd to me. I dunno, I'm going to read it again to see if it works better for me. BUt this poem is awesome.
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I agree with Kalyope's observations...
but also...
"in tank top, sequins sparse. "
that line stuck out to me. Because the descriptor came after a pause in the line. Which is unlike any other of the lines...
So it didn't fit in quite as nicely, and caused a disturbance in flow (in my opinion).
But nice work man.
