Dano has been banned

Hmmm...now that's interesting.

wow!

geez, eris. I'm sorry!

I guess everyone has to hook up with at least one jerk in a lifetime. (I've had many- but that's a karmic issue, no doubt.) i like you all, but I have to admit- i don't know anyone here too well (or in person), so I guess anything's possible.

watch out for yourself, and take care.

Well, I'm not worried about myself, quite frankly... at least not in terms of Dano hurting me or manipulating me, or what not. What worries me is that he has a history of hurting my friends, and I don't want to see that happen again.

So, you guys have the information I have. If you want to believe me or not, there's nothing, not a thing I can do about it. I can only hope that what I've done here can protect the people here.

Your credibility is not in question eris. I vaguely remember some of the stuff that transpired, but didn't know the full extent. Thanks for explaining the details. I'm glad you've gotten over it and your concern for the others on this board proves what a good moderator you are.

Lulu makes a good point about not really knowing anybody on the board.

BTW Lulu, yes I do have to appear in court which is why I've been asked to remain in our state. I could explain the details if you're interested, but they basically involve me being drunk and stupid about a week ago. Never been on parole. Which is why I'd planned on visiting Texas until I got a little carried away, and then got literally carried away. :)

[ August 19, 2003 09:39 PM: Message edited by: JaceSan ]

Thank you, JaceSan... I appreciate that.

*sigh*

There is something that a lot of you don't know about. Something that has gone on far longer than it should. It ends NOW.

When I first joined this board (before becoming a mod) I wasn't exactly looking for a guy, but I wasn't exactly not looking for a guy. I found one... or so I thought. We had a brief fling that mostly consisted of saying embarrassing things on the telephone to each other, and I went out to visit him. No sparks. So, ah well, no big deal. It didn't work, not a problem. I moved on. I did find the right guy, and I moved to MI to be with him.

The first guy, Dano, seemed to move on... but then, I became moderator, and we had a couple problems on the board, and he started attacking me on the board, saying that I was throwing my weight around, that my title had gone to my head, and whatnot. Again, no big deal. A couple other people smacked him down, and he apologized.

And then... I started getting friends who were having problems with Dano. Female friends would tell me, vaguely, that they didn't trust him, didn't like him... he complained (to me, for some reason) that people had stopped talking to him, and he couldn't understand why.

So, being me, and being responsible for the board, I pushed. What I found out was that he was making sexual advances to people from the board on private message systems. No big deal, right? You can always click the off button right? Except that he was DELIBERATELY and METHODICALLY picking the women on the board that had the most emotional issues, acting warm, caring, and supportive, and then extending his advances. And he wasn't taking no for an answer. He would present himself as a friend and a confidante, and then initiate and continue sexual advances.

So, I told him I knew what he was doing, and that it had to stop. He responded that he had no idea what I was talking about, and that he was some sort of victim of a conspiracy. He took to posting sad, lonely posts about not being understood... and when a female would respond to the post, he would say things like "I can't really say anything about that here" ... and so off to a private message system they would go... with me wringing my hands and tearing my hair out.

And then I had another friend report an abuse situation. So, I told him, GO. I told him that no, he wasn't "banned" as such, but that he wasn't welcome. And that if he wanted to take it to the board, I was willing to do that, but I would prefer to avoid hurting the people that he'd already hurt and betrayed anymore.

The really fucked up thing is that he wanted names. How many people was he doing this to, that he couldn't remember who had said no, who had banned them from their lists? Sweet bleeding Jesus.

Time passes. During this time, he makes occaisional forays into the board, and I keep telling him where to go. (The ironic thing is, he had said, on several occaisions, that he had lost interest in the board, and that he barely read 5% of what was posted, didn't care about the board... until I told him to go. Then it was all, this is my home, I was here before you, I just want to talk to my friends... yadda yadda).

Then he emails me. Says he's all changed. Says he understands what he's done wrong, that he misses the board, and would it be possible for the new, improved Dano to have a second chance (like I said, we dated. He knows all about me and second chances). So, I check up on this. I talk to one of the people that he had been bugging, someone who's judgement I ordinarily trust; she says he's all new, all better. So, I email him, tell him I wanna talk with him before I say yes or no.

No response. Then a new guy shows up on the board. It takes me a while, but it finally triggers that the new name is Dano. So, I'm a little annoyed that he's done this, but I understand his motivation (he wants to prove that he's a nice guy, see?) So, I PM him... tell him I'm not terribly impressed with this behavior, and would he mind talking terribly not crashing the board without permission?

Finally get an answer from him... oh yes, he understands what he did was wrong, see, cause he has an addictive personality, and here he was, this sweet, shy boy, surrounded by all these women, and well, he just let his desire for pleasure get the better of his good sense. Not quite what I was looking for, but I remembered my friend's recommendation, and told him, go ahead.

Like I said, I'm an idiot. An utter and complete idiot.

Last night I had a conversation of sorts with him over PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by eris esoteric

Another thought...It would probably go a long way (or perhaps not) if you were to apologise to the people you've hurt. Not on the board, I still don't want to hurt anyone that way... but one on one.



Quote:

Originally Posted by Dano
not a bad idea, but keep in mind that the biggest reason i got so unhinged over the whole ordeal is that no one was talking to me anymore and no one would tell me what was going on or who was involved.
i don't know WHO to apologized to. i have rough ideas, but nothing definite. i certainly don't want to leave anyone out, nor do i want to apologize to people who don't know what happened.

you lead, i'll follow. i'm all about making amends.



Quote:

Originally Posted by eris esoteric
Well, why don't you try starting with some of the people that suddenly stopped talking to you?
Seems like a good place to start.



Quote:

Originally Posted by Dano
that was approximately 2.5 years ago. i don't have any of the email addresses anymore. plus, throw me a bone, will you? i know that i need to deal with [names deleted], but who else, if anyone?
it is simply not cool to tell someone they need to repair a relationship but not tell them who it is they need to apologize to. again, that was a large part of the issue previously.



Quote:

Originally Posted by eris esoteric
Well, why don't you start with [names delete], then.
I'm not interested in throwing bones to or at you. This is your mess. It has nothing to do with me. I am the moderator of a message board, and have taken steps in dealing with a member of that message board. I don't owe you ANY damn thing at all.

Remember this.

Also, I'm having one hell of a hard time in accepting that you have changed, when you still claim that you don't know what you did, and you don't know who you did it to. How can you change what you can't see?

So, you're back on the board. Be grateful for that. Don't start making demands of me. This isn't about me, and it never has been.

Of course, there's half the problem, isn't it? You never quite believed that.

So, here I am. I had this exact same conversation with him last year. He wants the names. I'm not gonna give him the names (remember, this is a predator that operates by first instilling trust and confidence in his victims). He knows who's bitched him out, but he doesn't know how many people complained to me. It's staying that way.

I'm sorry, I won't play this game anymore. Dano, you are not welcome here. I wanted to believe that you had changed, but, ultimately, I don't believe in your sincerity. And I don't want to take the chance that another friend of mine gets hurt by you.

This ends. Period.

[ August 19, 2003 09:33 PM: Message edited by: eris esoteric ]

For the record, I also trust and support this decision.

I'm sure everyone wishes it hadn't come up, but it has, and I'll stand behind eris in the interests of keeping us all healthy and happy and safe. I haven't had reason to doubt her judgement yet.

Thank you, eris.

Thanks eris. I wasn't here when all of this happened so thankfully I wasn't one of the victims. However, I have had this kind of thing happen to me before and because of that, I have absolutely no tolerance for this kind of creepy troll.

I have always found you to be level headed, reasonable and fair, and I wholeheartedly support you on this.

I am in the same situation as and agree with Jacesan. You've never done anything other than look out for the board and those frequenting it. It's a shame it has to be this way, but if it has to, it has to.

The now mostly lurking usmu