Jack Handy

"If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong though. It's Hambone."?




"I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people."?



"The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?"?




"Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games."?



"The difference between a man and a boy is, a boy wants to grow up to be a fireman, but a man wants to grow up to be a giant monster fireman."?



"If God dwells inside us like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting"?


"I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching."?



"It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man."?


"As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!"?



"My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth - that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally - but I didn't want to upset him."?



"Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared


"Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff."?


"What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk?"?

"I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex."?

"If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason."?

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny."?

"I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins."?


You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea."?

"We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me."?

"Here's a good trick: Get a job as a judge at the Olympics. Then, if some guy sets a world record, pretend that you didn't see it and go, "Okay, is everybody ready to start now?"."?


"When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges."?


"If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you."?

"If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them."?

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em
go, because, man, they're gone.


To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something
when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you
give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."


One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going
to take my nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old
burned-out warehouse. "Oh no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried
and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good
joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting
pretty late.


If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I
bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it
shoot farther?" "No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots."


Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful
flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's
carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a
very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.


If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell
him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute
thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."


If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the
mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.

I used to love Jack Handy.

I can remember a long time ago listening to his stuff on SNL. I even think one time in middle school I had sometype of planner or something with Jack Handy quotes on it.

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: 7teen</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> I even think one time in middle school I had sometype of planner or something with Jack Handy quotes on it. </div></div>

Thats killer. I had a folder with a generic gobot on it one yr.