Keeping Sharp, Falling Apart

The night sky was burning. It seemed that way but really it was nothing more then ripped pages of a book set aflame. Maggie had become quite used to the outbursts of those around her. The college kids always seemed to have a means and a dedication to leaving their mark on the world and proving a point.

The untrusting narrow of eyes kept many at a good distance from Maggie even as she hugged the books she held in her arms at a protective closeness.

A boot reached out and stamped out the first burning page that hit the ground before it would risk setting the grass around her on fire.

"I'm in no mood to burn."

Her voice was rustic, seeming already set on fire by a forgotten ember. A smoker's voice that never once had known the touch of nicotine. The group of girls nearby gave her quite the odd expression and she stared at them until the unease set in.

There was something about the way she watched the world that left it to all seem unsettling. Her focus was something that was fixed and intent. Just another way to comprehend how much things have changed. This was hardly her moment of redemption. It was a moment though to set things right.

As best she could. Turning away from the whispers and watching eyes she headed back towards the library. There was much that had to be done, and quite a bit more to study. If anything she was starting to learn that it was better for her to be prepared.

Better to be prepared and have her mind focused and sharp. She had to stay sharp as a thorn, if not it all could fall apart... and God knew they didn't need another one breaking.

Just another story remembered of what it was like to fall apart.

It was never a job. It was never a punishment this life she was brought to live and endure. So many would consider it as punishment and in a way perhaps it was but she had to believe there was something more to it all. A greater purpose and stronger reason. Maggie knew that so many other women would have left his side and abandoned him to his own stumbling, stammering tangents and rhythm wild chants but Maggie... she just couldn't abandoned him.

In the sin and punishment of it all they belonged together, but more so then that, Maggie could not ignore or betray her own feelings. She had loved them both and thus she was left to suffer. To be abandoned by the one that had forgiven her but still left her to be confronted by the opinions and whispers of those around her. Maggie knew what they said and she ignored them all as best she could until they spoke of Him.

When they spoke of Him and when they mentioned Jude those were the touchy moments, the under the skin blades that could cut so deep. Every day her heart bled for those reminding moments. Her heart cracked a bit more each time with another fissure every single time she stared in Jude's eyes and realized day by day he was forgetting her... that he didn't remember her... and worse that he didn't see her anymore.

This was her punishment as much as her grace of forgiveness to stay at his side, to be there waiting for him each and every time he fell. If only to pick him back up and put him back together. All the shattered little pieces of Jude.

She didn't quite remember the last time anyone had picked up the shattered little pieces of her. So many willing to sell their soul over her name, to know the truth and yet each time she broke and cracked and shattered there was no one putting her back together again.

Just another piece of her put back in him to keep him safe.

She gave her all. Gave up everything she was if only for him. None of it mattered save for Jude's redemption and salvation.

Maggie would endure the shame and existence of outcast if only for his forgiveness.

It was the only way she knew...

It was the only thing she could do to prove...

Just how much she loved him.

Even still to Maggie... it was never enough.

Night quiet but hardly so peaceful were the empty hours that she lived through. These were the hours that were lacking serenity but the pain was numb and faded by the time the moon rose in the sky. Maggie watched him sleep even as she avoided the bed instead to choose a corner to sink down into and against.



Corners were where all the bad kids go.



It was when he slept that she could recall the better days when his mind wasn’t so broken. Those moments when she watched him would be where she ached to curl up against him and be held in his arms to sleep safe and sound. Those moments also happened to be the moments she was terrified the most to be around him. These moments in the night were those where she missed him even when he was right there across the room from her.



She worked by candlelight to keep him calm even if the idea of a burning flame, no matter how small, still would terrify her. Maggie imagined perhaps this was how Jude must feel about trees… how he must feel about ropes.



Her fingers picked at the frayed, worn edge of the leather cuffs at her wrists that made her seem far more razor sharp and cruel lined then she ever would be. Her fingers worked against the buckles, leaving a shadow play of bruises and nightmare touches against flesh before the cuffs were pulled off to reveal the scars there of self inflicted wounds.



The buckled leather cuffs were dropped to the floor as she crawled in her secretive and silent way over to the vanity if only to withdraw the knife once more from its hidden place in the drawer.



She didn’t dare cry even as she let her guard down but even now her body ached with unshed tears that she had suppressed for what seemed like an eternity now. Maggie bit down on her lip as the candlelight caught in a shine of silver against the blade as it slashed down to leave another mark at her flesh.



Blood letting.



It was the only way she knew how to remind herself now, these days, that she was still alive… that she was more then just a soulless shell.



Which anymore… was just exactly how she felt.