joke thread

I enjoyed the joke thread we had going a little while ago....so I thought I'd share this blonde joke with you all [img]tongue.gif[/img]


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terri , This is Definitely The World's Largest Daily Joke Network November 22, 2003


Quote of the Day
"Life isn't like a box of chocolates... it's more like a jar of jalapenos.
What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow."


Jokemaster's Note
Rex Barker here hopping along on one foot. It seems that in my haste to get to a speaking engagement last night, I accidentally stepped on a piece of glass…ouch! It’s not exactly easy to “Mix and Mingle” with 150 guests balancing on one foot.
Ever tried to balance Hors d’ouvres and greet people at the same time…now that’s a juggling act. All the same I wasn’t prepared to miss the Sesame Chicken Sticks or the Thai Beef Skewers for anything.

Speaking of Hors d'ouvres, I haven’t finished my Thanksgiving Menu yet. Do me a favor and don’t tell Martha (Stewart, that is) or I’ll be on the “B” list for sure!

Now there’s a lady who isn’t having a good year. You know what they say about “what comes around, goes around…” Maybe she should volunteer to do Community Service and prepare Holiday meals for the less fortunate. At her estimated net worth, that’s a whole lot of folks.

On the way home, I had a good laugh. A homeless man was holding up a sign that said “Why lie – I need a beer”. At least he was honest. Let’s hope the empty bottle doesn’t end up in pieces under someone else’s foot.

This is Orthopedically-impaired Rex Barker C.S. reminding you that a little T.L.C. goes a long way. Tender Loving Chicken, that is.

RESPOND: [email protected]



One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..........." Then the electric power goes out. Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plow can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

Horoscopes by Adam Sandler

Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.

Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22) You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

Aries (Mar 23 - April 22) You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have major influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence but are still a general bad ass.

Taurus (April 23 - May 22) You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamed communist.

Gemini (May 23 - June 22) You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer (June 23 - July 22) You are sympathetic and
understanding to other people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.

Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) You are a logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. If you are a male you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nill. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22) You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks. You are a worthless piece of shit.

Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 22) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.

What do you call a blind German?

...a not-see