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The first one is really good. I thought it was going one direction, then it shot off into another. Very very clever.
The second one is very sad though. That's not bad or anything, it's very well-written, and I get a definite sense of grief from it.
*bows to superior poet than himself*
i've finally gotten back to writing after a month of not really being able to, so these are two from tonight, as they fell out of my head...
not all too great, but i have to find my pen again after such a long time of not writing anything...
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only my feet visible
and my jeans around my ankles
i take recluse in the peace
and quiet
away from the people i travel with
by day and night
for a few seconds there are
no voices around me
all i can hear is the
water dripping in the
sink and even my
mind has taken a break
from thinking
silence is within and around
me and i can close my
eyes, let my face sink into
my hands and be
without thought or pain or
need or want for
just one small moment
that is just mine
in a place where no one
can see me and no one
knows i'm here
except the two women
who just walked in chatting
away and rattling at my
stall door telling me to
hurry up, so once again
i pull up my jeans and
am forced to leave the
one peaceful place i can
find away from all
humans and stress as i
walk into a cloud of cheap
perfume and makeup
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feel my eyes
red hot burning into my
skull hurting hurting
deeper and deeper into
the hole that cages my
eyes that stare motionlessly
from my bald head hurting
expressing all the pain inflicted
moving back shying away in
fear from what they are afraid
to see burning into them the
heat that eats away at
them when they do not blink
the water does not clean it makes
the pain worse burning burning
into the skin
a tear falls
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"I have a portrait on my wall
of a serial killer
I thought he wouldn't escape
Aisha, he got out"
-Iggy Pop with Death in Vegas
"I am the God of HellFire!"
'People have problems - magazines have issues.'
[This message has been edited by NecroFlash (edited June 21, 2000).]
<G> actually, I think they're exquisite. And that's without my personal bias - they're really intense, especially the juxtaposition of the need to escape with something so normal and confining, like a bathroom stall. There was a Zen author who ranted and raved about American bathrooms being less spiritual than Japanese ones - wish I could remember his name... hmm... oh well.. but yeah... neat
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"obscene gerund" - doonesbury
"You're reality sir, is lies and balderdash, and I'm delighted to say I have no grasp of it whatsoever." - Baron Munchausen
I'm glad you found the pen again. The first one really struck me the most.
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Branflakes, the ninja lesbian milk getter.
The one called "brain".
I stare at the grace of this magnificent place.
"Please, kiss me before I die."
Necroflash really have the fundamentals of poetry and the zen of it down pat. She's the best one around here in my opinion. And she don't even major in creative writing but who says you have to eh?
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There's loneliness in the radios...