Rambling.....

The sound of music is like a whisper through the room. The base pounds, but not loud enough to hear. It's that thumping you feel next to your eardrum. The throbbing. I have already had to lay my head down twice, just to help it dissipate. I feel it tickling again.

The music isn't helping like it should. It's too cold. Too shallow. I need something warmer and deeper, but I don't feel in the mood for it. Or I'm too lazy to get up and change all five of my cds. It's your choice what you believe.

I cry too much. I did it the other night on the phone. A friend asked a question. I tried to answer, but I started blubbering. I've done it a lot lately. He said he wanted a deeper conversation aside from all the smalltalk that we do. He got deeper alright and I feel changed from it. I don't feel free. I actually feel more confined. I feel trapped. I'm like a caged animal now, I long for what's outside my reach, but I can't get to it. I'm changed and I don't want to be.

I'm frightened now. Afraid of being alone. I'm frightened. Afraid of moving on and becoming more myself. I'm too much myself now. And it scares me. I am seeing clearer. I am feeling clearer, but I can't stop crying. I can't stop retreating into myself.

I looked at my mom today and I didn't want her to look into my eyes, I didn't want her to see. I know pain is showing there, tiredness. I'm weak. It's just a matter of time before my physical appearance changes. Before I metamorphose into something totally different than what I used to be.

I see things happening to other people all around me. I have a girlfriend, but I already see it not lasting. I am afraid of men. I have actually begun to recoil from just a glance. I resent my father. I love my brother, but dislike him so much petty things make me pissed at him. I don't want to hurt my mother. I don't want to hurt my friends, "real life" ones or the ones online. I don't want to cause pain.

And yet I sit here and hurt myself. I opened up to someone and now I feel I must withdraw. People will read this and think I'm crazy. I am. People will read this and wonder what I mean. And I sit here wanting to explain, but I can only try.

I was raised under the roof of a man who is in the military. Whom, by the way, finds failure in everything that his daughter does. I have people come up to me and say he's proud of me, but I never hear it from him. I hear everything I've done wrong everything that everyone else has done right. I don't get to sit and talk to him because he has a "good son". I am the eldest I don't need affection. I am the eldest daughter, I need to be held down and "beaten" upon to build up the "good son". I have seen my father cry two times. Both times had to deal with friends...and neither time was there the admittance that he needed support. He runs away. Doesn't want it to be seen. I've cried in front him, but it's not valid emotion. A soldiers daughter is not allowed to cry. It's true, I was raised with that belief. So what do I do? I run and hide. And look at me now...2:30 am....crying...again. And yet again away from watchful eyes. Away from listening ears.

And I am not proud.


----------------------

Please forgive this little thing

*hugs* There's nothing to forgive.

And your not crazy *hugs, kisses and tulips*

*HUG*

------------------
Branflakes, the ninja lesbian milk getter.
The one called "brain".
"Please, kiss me before I die."

How long do I have to wait before I am accepted instead of tolerated? Why should I be patient for my rights? I'm tired of waiting. Moderation leaves me suffering.

*HUGS*

I don't know you well enough to know if I can offer a hug or not, or if it would be appreciated, but yeah, you feel how you feel, and no one can judge you for that. http://www.hostboard.com/ubb/smile.gifAnd if this were virtual, I'd sit next to you and offer you a drink and a safe person to sit beside.

------------------
"obscene gerund" - doonesbury

"You're reality sir, is lies and balderdash, and I'm delighted to say I have no grasp of it whatsoever." - Baron Munchausen

I think that was better than a hug, Chili. http://www.hostboard.com/ubb/smile.gif

------------------
Branflakes, the ninja lesbian milk getter.
The one called "brain" and "brainflakes" and....
"Please, kiss me before I die."

How long do I have to wait before I am accepted instead of tolerated? Why should I be patient for my rights? I'm tired of waiting. Moderation leaves me suffering.

Thanks everyone...and Chili *hugs*

Anyone know were the toilets are?

------------------
The perfect sentence

The word "kiss" is a verb; "my" is an adjective; the word "ass" is a noun.

So "kiss my ass"

Hey, LostintheFog - you've only been registered since yesterday, but you're already entered 35 postings - not bad eh ?
Why didn't you put in any details about yourself when you registered?
Tell us al about yourself.
Looking forward to your contribution to this board.
What do the rest of you think ?