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the curtain dances like a lady of a
fair country
displaying herself down an imaginary spindle
releasing moves onto the checked floor --
twirling spinning mad happy
her feet pouncing silent magic
that only the stars & her ancestors know of
silent applause - from the faces
on the walls
& her kingdom of followers
-- staying behind the curtain
swaying their bodies
& her eyes are closed
floating 'cross the room
lifting her hands (raising questions)
telling me to dance (wanting praise)
fair lady glimmers of a must brown
with golden locks of hair
waving from the window
-- descending down the curtain
along with her dress, which is
sequenced with the street lights of England
dance floor - now extended beyond
walls reach
backdrops flow behind her
- continous stairs
leading to rooms of elegance
& honesty
- decorated with jeweled chandaleers
& bear skin rugs
in slow exit - she floats 'round a spindle
blinking her blues, bowing her past
showers of majestic dance --
only to stop...
turn
&
silence my night.
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well you already know my dissertion of this one, and i dont have anything else to say about it, except that you do have pretty good word choice, you can get that image across good, but you need to change it up a little and stop describing a girl in some sort of scene....
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The dance - wow that dance was there - in the words, in my head the whole time. the whole flow worked and I saw her dancing.. at the end I saw the room expanding and new paint going up the walls to give it new colors and I don't know why.. Ha - I even saw her STOP at the end and look- directly at me.. although it would be the author... I saw the look at me. wow! if this was an assignment -bravo! and if not.. well then good work in expanding your writing.. Don't see this much and I like it. You got the movement which is essential in this. Action, action, action - sometimes it is just that key fantastic thing we're missing and you grabbed it.
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I am my new Religion
I am my non Decision
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At first read, I honestly thought this was about a flag. But as I read it again, and then once more *something rare for me to do, but I've been doing it more and more* It became more of a scene, and I started to see things happening. At first it was hazy, but came clearer with every read.
To be honest at first I wasn't quite sure I liked it, but after a couple reads, it became very smooth, and I saw why I didn't like it at first. And that's because this seemed a little different from some of your stuff... a bit more "true" in a sense.
But all in all, I liked it. My only critique for me was that use of imagery seemed to make it cryptic, which is why I couldn't quite see it at first.
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As miserable as life may be I hold it pretty precious...
If I lose the light of the sun, I will write by candlelight, moonlight, no light. If I lose paper and ink, I wil write in blood on forgotten walls. I will write always, I will capture nights all over the world and bring them to you.
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u know ur really good in starting cliches...although i'm sure i won't be able to copy your words cos urs could stir my mind erratically (is there such word?)i don't know (bangs her head w/ hands) i wish i could just write the way u do...
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