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So I was invited to give a reading in my town last night, and I dashed off this piece in the hopes it would be ready in time. It wasn't. It's new, and it's still a mess, but I sort of like it, and I'm interested to know what people think:
Gulunga!
Build me a tree house
from silly string and stretched pennies
that soak up summer heat
or burn transparent like glass in winter
We will take turns rolling down the ravine
to break our arms legs ankles ribs
We will hammer ourselves as sheets of metal
beating new shapes to swells humming whales
We will hoot like unseen animals held back by the fire
disguise our fear with tattoos and red ochre war paint
the gods will send rain for thirst
lame animals for hunger
And we will shout nonsense praise to the darkling sky
Then we?ll roll messages on precious paper
stuff them into green glass bottles
they will float to sea to ships passing ghostly
whose captains will read
don?t rescue us we?re fine thanks
When I die
wrap me in palm leaves and found video tape
carry my body light without my wild wild self
up a tall tree away from predators
hang my pod and mourn me in songs by the fire
and birds will eat my flesh
as I sublime into the tropical sky.
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Fetch me my blue fright wig, that I may be handsome when I unleash my wrath.
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Well the first thing that came to mind was it conjured up images of a crossover between "Castaway" and Lord of the Flies. But the deserted island theme brings out a sense of isolation, and yet happiness. One thing to consider might be to make all your stanzas the same number of lines. Then when you need to, you can use the number of lines to place emphasis on a certian part of the work, instead of having it look like you were breaking wherever it felt comfortable at the time. Unless of course, that's what you were doing, on purpose...which would be typicall of me to miss entirely..*L*
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"With a gun barrel between your teeth you speak only in vowels." - Jack, Fight Club
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interesting piece...
though i don't think it's complete (simply agreeing with you....
the way you describe and put things are amazing?a new perspective so to speak...the images aren't entirely concrete yet still intriguing and catching
there was an excellent movie going on in my head while reading this piece....
definitely an independent film....b & w
"Then we?ll roll messages on precious paper
stuff them into green glass bottles
they will float to sea to ships passing ghostly
whose captains will read
don?t rescue us we?re fine thanks"
i believe this needs some work..this is kind of the meat of yr message no?
instead of they will float...try which will float...
and yr message?don't rescue us we're fine thanks?isn't catching to me...it's just don't poetic like the rest of the work....am i making any kind of sense? haha
i will look into it more later...digest this first and tell me what you think...
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"ashtray says you were up all night."
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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>We will take turns rolling down the ravine
to break our arms legs ankles ribs
We will hammer ourselves as sheets of metal
beating new shapes to swells humming whales
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>
that was the only stanza I didn't really care for. The rest of the poem I enjoyed, but to really enjoy it.. I decided to read it aloud. I really liked the way it rolled right out...
I really liked the imagery, like what machinery said, really something new.
Good job...
if you make revisions to anything I'd like to see 'em!
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As miserable as life may be I hold it pretty precious...
If I lose the light of the sun, I will write by candlelight, moonlight, no light. If I lose paper and ink, I wil write in blood on forgotten walls. I will write always, I will capture nights all over the world and bring them to you.
Word And Voice
Motocross Fanatics
General Philosophy
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Revisions will be forthcoming, as always. I hope to have them finished in the next week.
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Fetch me my blue fright wig, that I may be handsome when I unleash my wrath.
