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this is something I wrote in speech class while looking at someone I hold very dear......it was weird..i felt so different, not wanted, not looked at..that of a reptile and everything was so new...like a jungle......so...i just triggered off that....this is totally not finished...i just added a little to it tonight and threw it out here..to get a response......how could I better this??
The room crawled lizards and miles of jungle streets.
It was beating hard, but it didn't clean the anguish.
from out my window, view is soothing
Held by orange crashing off the pavement, reflecting hard.
This room holding me in...
Big broad shoulders and stray white complexions.
I could feel the paint, the plaster...snicker and expend.
I could feel it come down, breathing on...
I pushed the air around.
My time was 10 more minds than normal,
10 more ducts to cry from, 10 more forevers........
The lizards began to squirm into my side and the jungle began to bite
My skin was wet from the stares that weren't there,
groaning, grogging, blending this irregularity
I was off the walls, pure and winded,
collasped on the notion of self being, worth and value
the window beat cold,
the walls came closer,
caught in this time, feeling those insides that churn new and shine fast
when will this go...
i must obtain that "something"... that "else"...
hung in this torture, the night carves out existence...
***
I hate it, it came out blah blah blah blah tonight.
i didn't get the first bit... the rest was good except "grogging".. doesnt' fit
ok..i just read the first stanza again and it was good this time... but the first read wasn't.
the pharse "view is soothing"
still didn't work for me
good poem but maybe revision could better it.
i actually really like it but i feel i don't critique your stuff as much as you'd like me to so i'm goin to ...
all of this is really just nit picking and the poem was well done.
i'm just being an ass tonight.
___---parch