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Yesterday I began working for the sixth day in a row at a god-forsaken refrigorator. During the first of those eight hours I was to work I was suddenly felt myself breaking down, or at least i thought i was. i didnt know what to think, i'd never felt quite that way before. my mind started a fight that tuned into a battle that tuned into a war inside my head. the first attack was on the color white. most of the peices of these refrigerators that i was builing were white. the metal cabinets, the platic liners, the stirophome, the plastic, everything was white, but soon i began to hate all the other colors. the thick bundle of wires that looked like a drunkerds portrait of a rainbow, the copper toobing, everything I saw fed fuel into the angry fire in my head. the fire would spred beyond just my visual perception, 3 of my other senses would fall victim to this moment of temporary insanity. I think my ears were next, the loud hissing of hydrolics, the rattle of the assembly line, even the sound of fellow worker's voices, i hated it all and wanted it to end. next would be the foul smell of body oder and hot machinery smothered in greese and oil, and of corse, toach would fall victim to my loss of sanity. the concrete floor that seemed to pound at my feet, and heat, the parts and tools that repetetively wore away at my body for 48 hours every week. the only one of my senses my mind didnt wage war against was my sense of taste. ironicly it was indeed a foul taste in my mouth, that taste you have hours after you'd waken up drank mt dew, and smoked. even thought the taste of flat mountain dew and tobacco was rather rotten, it seemed to give me a hope of quenching my thirst and filling my blood with nicotine. but the battle in my head would wage on. the spark of anger towards a color had spread to a hatred of 4 out of 5 of my sences, but minutes later my mind was attacking everything else in my little work, from women to parents to religion and God himself. I hated the ideas of faith and hope, and a concept suddenly dawned in my mind. "When one loses hope, he accepts reality" I concluded that hope and faith were euphemism's for the word lie. in different degrees, hope and faith were just ways to lie to yourself. hope is wishing the lie was truth. faith is convincing yourself that the lie is truth. it was at this point in my night, about an hour and a half into my night of work, that my head actually began to feel physical pain, and so i forced myself to stop thinking so much. the rest of the night went much better
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whoa!
yes...indeed.
i remember the hell you describe and with vivid detail you bring it back to life for me. thankfully i no longer reside there but i'd say you cut me back to it rather quickly. this reminded me of the novel frankenstein. the description and tone was used well.
when i sweated in that hole last summer i remember the hate i had for many things which actually, somewhat like you, turned me toward thinking about god and people (oh terrible thoughts). strangely though - because of the despair i was in i actually attempted to gain faith in god, hoping it would help me cope with all the stress i had. in the end it didn't help. i just kept stressing... beating the head to ground more and more. the final thing i did which gave me release from all the stress was to give up.. to not care or give a flying shit about anything.. i guess that was my release. the last two weeks flew by like "speed and whisky, whisky and speed" - as Twiggy would say. it was nice to let myself out.. i don't know.
just sharing my thoughts on a similar situation..
enjoyed your post.
come back.
and don't let the white beat you out.. just think.. "do nothing" and you will be ok. it's a Tao philosophy bullshit deal i got from old slim jack and i'm using it to extreme.
"do nothing" (wu wei - japanese/chinese/whatever pronounciation)
keep floating and beating as we all do.
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yass yass, I wanted to bring this back up to the top. Oh Mr Finkle, I remember picking you guys up, after work, for a late night eat at Don's.....oh how you guys bitched, but nothing beer couldn't cure!......This work is really intense.....I wanted some poeples to take a look at this.....
CHECK IT OUT!
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i have no idea who wrote this but i really like it, vivid detail, makes me think of my own horrid places, but the thought process i was taken through at the end was incredible, it made me understand from a perspective that had never been brought to me before, i think i actually learned something from this...
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