guy locked in a room

ive started this guy locked in a room screenplay, its the first one ive ever written so i guess i shouldnt expect much from it. But at the moment i dont think its going the way i want. I thought rather than battle on with it id post what ive done so far and get some experienced feedback.

I personaly think it lacks focus, i didnt do much thinking before hand, just hoped once i got into the swing of things it would write itself, but i dont tihnk it has.

Anyways here are the first 2 and abit pages.


INT. DARK LOCKED ROOM

Opening P.O.V. shot is almost completely black. It is only
when it cuts to another shot that we see a unkempt man
slouched in a chair with a rag tied over his eyes: Everett.
He appears to be inside a damp cell with no windows. O/S
voices and commotion can be heard. The man strains his neck
to hear.

The door is unlocked and another blindfolded and cuffed man
is abruptly thrown inside: Norfolk.

EVERETT
(Whispering)
Hello?

Norfolk is too preoccupied with his cuffs to reply. After a
few seconds the cuffs open with a satisfying click noise.

EVERETT (CONT'D)
Hello?

Norfolk pulls his blindfold off and immediately begins
assessing his new surroundings.

He slowly walks towards the guy in the chair who is
squirming about, unsure if he is in danger.

NORFOLK
Relax...

He pulls off Everett's blindfold.

NORFOLK (CONT'D)
Did you get a look at this place
before they brought you here?

EVERETT
(Squinting)
Who are you?

NORFOLK
(Preoccupied in thought)
I only saw a few buildings, there
could be more though...Can you walk?

EVERETT
If you undo these cuffs. Have you got
a plan?

NORFOLK
No, not really.

INT. LONG PRISON COMPLEX CORRIDOR

A guard whistles while carrying a tray of food towards the
cell. He opens the door.

INT. DARK LOCKED ROOM

The guard watches in horror as the door swings upon to
reveal an empty room. All that remains is a broken chair in
the center of the room.

FOOD GAURD
**** !

He drops the food and runs back out of the room, leaving
the door open.

The camera pans up to show the two captured men clinging to
the rafters that make up the ceiling architecture.

I/E. PRISON COMPLEX GUARD STATION

The Food Guard runs up to a younger guard and bellows some
orders at him.

When the younger guard runs off to fetch help the Food
Guard grabs the phone to report in, suddenly the broken
chair leg is brought crashing down onto his hand. Screaming
he turns around and it is smashed in the face by Norfolk.

A few seconds later the Everett arrives, out of breath.
Norfolk takes the guards riffle.

NORFOLK
Stay here. I'm gunna take a look
around. Here take this...

He hands his companion a tiny pocket knife.

NORFOLK (O.S.) (CONT'D)
(Showing dead guard)
He wont be needing it anymore.

EVERETT
Jeez, thanks.

NORFOLK
Just stay out of sight I'll be 5
minutes.

EXT. PRISON COMPLEX OUTSIDE (NIGHT)

A Guard stands oblivious to chaos around him smoking. He
holds himself trying to keep in body heat.

NORFOLK (O.S.)
Got a light?

The guard turns round and Norfolk punches him in the face
knocking him out cold. He shakes his hand in slight plain
before dragging the guards body into the shadows.

I/E. PRISON COMPLEX GUARD STATION

Everett watches as the guards run around outside with
torches.

A superior officer points at the station and instructs
another guard go there. Everett braces himself.

When the guard enters he leaps from behind the door and
stabs him in the neck with the pocket knife. He takes his
rifle. He c0cks the gun and looks ready to go to work.

The fast pace was nice. But more of a relationship needed to develop between the two men. They needed back stories and real personalities. The action was good though.

yeah the idea was that the found out who the comando dude is at the end, but i never got up to that.

I dont want to sound like a cokmaster but lets not all put our first few pages up of our 'assignment' until its finished. That makes sense, right?

I'd like to give feedback but it's too short. At least it wasn't boring [img]smile.gif[/img]

Hey there.

Don't listen to emjen, he's a "coksmoker" keep posting your stuff. Its intresting see how ideas evolve.

I think I'm in the "give me more talky bits" camp. It moved nice and fast and its good to see someone is doing an action story.

Despin out.

<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ December 22, 2002 06:22 PM: Message edited by: Despin entertainment ]</font>

the way i see it the more i write the more ill learn, if that means posting 2 pages and moving on when i see its not working rather than try and do 10 then thats what im gunna do.

What ive learnt here is not bother introducing characters in the way i have unless im gunna spend some time doing it properly. I was in two minds as i wanted to get an explosive start but at the same time do all the character stuff. Next time ill just have straight action for the opening scene then do characters...

Not bad. A lot better than I was expecting for a first timer. I agree about the pace. Refreshing that they did not have to have an 8 page conversation before they actually DO anything. I actually don't mind the charachters lack of definition, sod the charachters-tell the story-and thats what your doing. I presume we'll learn a little more about them at a later stage.

You deserve a hearty handshake.