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Okay... this is just something i whipped up to get more intuned to writing dialogue. I'm no expert on this writing thing. I just write what comes to me. So i want to know what you guys think of the dialogue?
TUBE TALES
FADE IN:
EXT. TUBE STATION - DAY
Guy, 25, waits outside the tube station. He's anxious. He takes a look at his watch, then down the street.
GUY
He's ******* late. Should have told him seven thirty.
He takes another look at his watch. It reads eight fifteen.
He looks awkward as he stands alone staring down the street, as hordes of commuters pass him to get into the station.
All of a sudden he catches a glimpse of someone.
GUY
**** !
He turns around trying to be inconspicuous.
He looks around for a place to hide.
He looks over his shoulder - the person is close. He hides his head under his coat and pretends to buy a paper from the newsstand behind him.
Then we see who it is - a woman, Eve. She strolls up to the newsstand unawares; puts two twenty pence pieces down on the table and grabs a paper like she's done many times before.
Behind his coat we can see the expression on his face - one of total mortification, like a deer caught in the headlights.
Eve is oblivious to him and proceeds into the station.
Guy slowly backs away from the newsstand, his head still buried in his coat. As he does he bumps into someone - John, 26.
JOHN
Good morning to you too.
GUY
Where the **** have you been?
JOHN
Well I'm here now so lets go.
GUY
(beat)
Going to have to wait a while.
JOHN
Why?
GUY
Don't want to run into Eve.
JOHN
Eve! Eve was here? Did she see you?
GUY
No. No, I was? undercover. So you brought it, right.
JOHN
(Slightly miffed)
Yes, and thanks for the vote of confidence.
GUY
I'm sorry. We're in this together. What happens to me happens to you.
JOHN
Yeh, and don't you forget it.
A beat.
GUY
So what about page forty-seven?
JOHN
In all honesty their not going to get to page forty-seven the way act one is going.
GUY
Still not working?
JOHN
It's a thirty-page sleeping pill.
GUY
Don't worry we can fix it. We've got little over three hours.
JOHN
See that's your problem. You don't get the complexities of the rewrite.
GUY
Is it my fault I'm the ideas man in this duet.
JOHN
Next time, you try writing this tripe.
GUY
Hey! Don't mess with the system.
A beat.
JOHN
Don't you think she would have gone by now.
GUY
You can never tell with that one. She's always in the wrong place at the right time.
JOHN
Lets just go. We need to get to work.
NEWS VENDOR
(Spoken in broken English)
Are you going to pay for that?
Guy notices he still has a newspaper under his arm. He reaches into his pocket for some change - pulls out nothing. He simply hands the newspaper back to the vendor.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. TUBE/METROPOLITAN LINE - DAY
Guy and john sit opposite each other near the window. Guy sits reading a hefty script while John works on his laptop. Commuters fill the seats around them.
The train is in full flight, galloping down the tunnel.
GUY
**** , I see what you mean. Do we really need the voice over?
JOHN
You already know my opinion - beware of shrinks, friends, lawyers, phone conversations, police interrogations, people who talk to themselves, court room scenes, voice overs, priests in confessionals, dictating into a tape recorder, and any other situation where needless exposition is shamelessly?
GUY
Yeh, I've heard this speech a thousand times and it always ends the same way - with you and your Lucas execrations. So please, save it for a rainy day.
JOHN
Because God forbid I take the bearded one's name in vain.
A beat.
JOHN
Okay. Lets simplify things. All it boils down to is two basic characters.
GUY
Character A and character B.
JOHN
Precisely. Character A --
GUY
My life is perfect as long as I don't run into character B.
JOHN
Knock! Knock!
GUY
In walks character B.
JOHN
There it is - conflict.
The train stops at the next station and begins to fill up with commuters.
GUY
(Hesitantly)
Yeah? but?
JOHN
No, don't do that.
GUY
Do what?
JOHN
You always 'but'. And every 'but' takes it in a totally new direction, which isn't good in this late stage of the game.
GUY
I was going to say - but this isn't really avant-garde. I mean we've seen it so many times before. Are we really going to cater to the lowest common denominator?
JOHN
Jesus! There is a format! There are limits to this type of **** ! Producers don't like people thinking outside the box.
GUY
That's bullshit.
JOHN
Of course it's bullshit! The only time you can get away with thinking outside the box is if you trick them into believing it's inside the box, and frankly; we're not that clever! So unless you're close personal friends of the Waschowski brothers, you're going to have to stick to the formula.
Their conversation draws a few looks from some of the commuters.
A beat.
The train starts up again.
JOHN
So what about Eve?
GUY
Eve who?
JOHN
Eve living proof that evil walks the earth Eve!
GUY
How do you begin and end a sentence with the same word like that? She's not evil.
JOHN
The woman has no reflection!
GUY
Okay, can we just stop talking about her? We've got work to do.
Guy slumps back into the script while John continues typing.
The woman sitting next to John allows her eyes to wonder onto his laptop screen. This is Kim, 25.
John turns to her and she immediately looks away. John returns to the laptop.
She tries hard to stop it from happening again, but the glow of the monitor was too much temptation for her to control.
KIM
Is that like? a book?
JOHN
(Smiles)
Sort of, I suppose in a strange way. It's a Feature film script.
KIM
Oh, so you're a "movie writer".
JOHN
That would depend on who you ask. And it's not really "movie writer". Screenwriter is a little more accurate.
KIM
Have I seen anything you've written?
JOHN
If you did, someone owes me a lot of money. I've had a few things looked at, nothing sold.
KIM
So you don't make a living at it.
JOHN
No, and there's only a handful of people who do. It's difficult.
KIM
Well, if it's hard, and you can't make a lot of money at it, then why do you do it?
Then for the briefest of moments we see her death, which had crossed his mind at that point.
JOHN
Because? I'm addicted to it.
KIM
But what do you get out of it?
Guy looks on in intrigue.
JOHN
Self-deprication.
GUY
Not to mention many social defects.
A beat.
KIM
So what's it about?
JOHN
Two guys and a girl.
KIM
Love story?
GUY
(To John)
See what I mean.
JOHN
Why do you automatically assume it's a love story?
KIM
Two guys and a girl? some sort of love triangle.
JOHN
Actually one of them is gay.
KIM
Chasing Amy?
GUY
See what I mean.
John shoots him a "shut-up" look.
JOHN
No, Kevin Smith is just a glorified nerd and it's not a love story.
KIM
You didn't like Chasing Amy?
GUY
It's a narrative so hackneyed it would make Stan Lee blush.
They both give him a weird look.
JOHN
It bordered on the side of? let me put it this way - here's a guy who, frankly, has very little to say. He therefore goes about filling up a ninety-minute film with, what I like to call, x-rated "friends" dialogue.
KIM
"Friends" dialogue?
GUY
Line-joke-line-joke-line-joke.
KIM
I liked it.
(Beat)
You still haven't told me what it's about.
JOHN
I'm very protective over my creative content.
GUY
Our creative content.
(To Kim)
I wrote the treatment.
JOHN
You mean that scribble on a cocktail napkin?
The train pulls in at the next station.
All of a sudden the DRIVER's voice can be heard over the inter-com.
DRIVER
Due to a cracked window in one of the carriages this train shall be terminating at this stop. This train will terminate here. Your next metropolitan line train shall be arriving in precisely seven minutes.
GUY
Mother?!
They gather their things and exit the train.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. TUBE STATION - DAY
They stand on the platform waiting the next train. John chats with Kim while Guy simply stares onto the tracks.
We see another woman walk up and stand next to him.
Still staring onto the tracks, his face reverts to that "deer caught in the headlights" look. He drops his head, sighs and then turns to the woman.
GUY
(Faked enthusiasm)
Oh! Hi Eve. Nice to see you again.
EVE
Nice to see you to, Guy.
GUY
On your way to work?
EVE
Yes, yes I am.
GUY
That's good.
(Beat, raised voice)
We're on our way to a meeting. Finally going to sell it.
His voice was raised for a reason. John notices but tries not to get involved. Instead continues to talk to Kim.
EVE
That's good. I'm pleased for you.
Guy anxiously looks over his shoulder - nothing. Eve and him share an awkward moment.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. TRAIN/TUBE - DAY
The group take up the window seat. John next to the woman and the uneasy Guy sits next to Eve. John still chats to the woman while Guy offers him a piercing look.
JOHN
(To Kim)
So basically it's about this guy, his girlfriend, and his best friend?
EVE
(Interrupting)
Excuse me, a guy his girlfriend and his best friend?
Guy has this "oh dear God" look on his face.
JOHN
Yes.
EVE
And I suppose the girl has one night of indiscretion and the guy goes ballistic?
JOHN
How the **** do you know?
Eve turns to Guy. His head is now in his hands.
EVE
You put our ******* love life in your half-assed screenplay?
JOHN
It's not a ******* love story!
KIM
So who's the gay one?
They all turn towards her, giving her the same look.
EVE
(To Kim)
What the **** is it to you?
JOHN
Hey! She happens to have a name.
(Beat)
What is your name?
KIM
Kim. My name is Kim.
JOHN
Nice to meet you Kim. That's a nice name.
EVE
(Interrupting the moment John and Kim share)
Excuse me. I'd hate to interrupt your mating call but who the **** gave you the right to put my personal life in your half-assed production?
JOHN
Listen Pandora; contrary to the laws of physics, the whole world doesn't revolve around you. Our gal had night of debauchery with another woman.
KIM
Wow!
JOHN
(To Kim)
Yeh, you should read it. It's quite something.
Eve say nothing and simply stares at Guy, seething. Guy tries not to make eye contact.
A Beat.
JOHN
(Finally getting it)
Holy **** ! Is being lesbian 'in' now because I missed that memo.
EVE
Do you mind, boy wonder; this is a matter for me and your partner in crime here.
Eve goes back to staring at Guy, who holds his head in his hands. Leaving John and Kim to chat.
JOHN
She's not really a lesbian is she?
KIM
No, not really. That's what people forget - actual lesbians look more like? well, like you than some bottled blonde.
JOHN
I blame the porn industry - shameless misrepresentation.
They continue to talk as we focus our attention on Eve and Guy.
A beat.
Guy screws up his courage and turns to Eve.
GUY
Okay. I know what you're going to say?
EVE
***** !
GUY
Okay? that wasn't it. But first of all it's my ******* life to you know. And if I choose to take some artistic licence?
EVE
(Interrupting)
It's not the fact that you choose to publicise our relationship. It's the fact that? that we never discussed it.
GUY
Never ******* discussed it?! What did you want me to say, "How was she?"? "Can I join in next time?"?
JOHN
(To Kim, gesturing)
I would have gone with "Need a hand?"
The train pulls in to the next station.
EVE
(beat)
This is my stop.
GUY
Fine. Go!
Eve storms off the train.
Awkward silence.
The train continues, gathering momentum.
Kim breaks the silence.
KIM
I know what your problem is. Your three characters are too normal.
JOHN
Too normal?
KIM
Face it. They're dull. The audience isn't going to care about them. The audience wants something they can't give themselves.
JOHN
And what may that be?
KIM
Entertainment? Enlightenment? As long as it stirs up an emotion.
JOHN
Any emotion?
KIM
Any emotion!
JOHN
Yeh, but, then where is the line drawn between film as a legitimate art form and? porn?
KIM
(Sighs)
Typical! You had to go for the lowest of the low.
JOHN
It's a gift.
KIM
It's called cynicism.
JOHN
What ever you want to call it, it's not really my fault.
GUY
Who are you going to blame it on this time?
JOHN
We are generation X.
KIM
I like the way you assume I'm the same age as you.
JOHN
Generation X - the only generation that was openly told that we were going to fail.
GUY
Well, that's not really true. We were told we weren't going to do as well as our parents.
JOHN
Failing!
KIM
There it is again, cynicism, the poor mans wit.
The train pulls in to the next station.
KIM
This is my stop. Nice to meet you both.
She leaves with a smile on her face paralleling the one John has on his face.
GUY
Okay can we get the blood redirected to your brain now and get on with some work.
JOHN
Trust you to harsh my buzz.
Guy notices someone out the window.
GUY
Hey, look. Is that bagel boy?
John turns to look.
JOHN
Oh dear God, no! **** , no! That guy really ticks me off.
Guy takes no notice of John and taps at the window to get Bagel Boy's attention. Bagel boy notices and quickly barges his way onto the train, past a hoard of people and sits himself down next to John.
John cringes.
Bagel boy is a born and bred hippie, and he looks the part.
The train slowly continues.
GUY
So how's it going bagel?
BAGEL BOY
Just living the dream, man. Just living the dream.
JOHN
(To himself, under his breath)
Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!
BAGEL BOY
(To John)
Did you say something, man?
JOHN
Do you mind? I'm having a soliloquy moment here.
BAGEL BOY
(To Guy)
**** man! Was I high when he turned into a narcissist?
JOHN
How is it you haven't been classified as crazy?
BAGEL BOY
I take the right pills.
JOHN
Spoken like a true hippie.
Bagel boy sifts through his bag looking for something.
BAGEL BOY
I've got something here for you guys.
JOHN
It better be legal.
Bagel boy eventually pulls out a first issue comic book. The cover shows a slightly scrawny looking masked hero - not your average superhero.
BAGEL BOY
There you go gentlemen - Jack Staff. Britain's Greatest Hero! **** , the world's greatest superhero! Having problems in your neighbourhood - call Jack Staff.
JOHN
What about Superman?
Bagel boy gives him a look as if to say "you have no clue what you're talking about".
BAGEL BOY
Superman? **** that big dumb alien! Allow me to let you two grannies in on a little secret because you're obviously still stuck in your pre-MTV days. Long gone are the days of your fantastical superhero. People want relatability. **** , have you even turned on your TV? Superheroes are back in fashion, unlike your knitted pullovers, and you two can reap the benefits.
GUY
Em? we'll think about it.
JOHN
Have you got anything to eat in there?
BAGEL BOY
(Sifting through bag)
Let's see? got some cheese? tofu? some soy. You like soy, right?
JOHN
Anything with flavour?
GUY
Here we go.
BAGEL BOY
Why you have to disrespect my life style, man?
JOHN
I'm not disrespecting you.
BAGEL BOY
It takes a special type of arrogance not to think that's disrespectful.
JOHN
I just don't get vegetarians.
BAGEL BOY
What's not to get - nothing with a shadow?
JOHN
That's just it - no one complains when a helpless plant is savagely massacred for garnish. But when it has a face on it, that's when people decide it's not right. I mean you eat mayonnaise but?
BAGEL BOY
Hey, do you mind? I'm a level five vegan and if word got out I ate mayonnaise then I'd lose my privileges.
GUY
Just say it was back in the '80s and you were at a party - everyone was doing them back then.
JOHN
Or you could say someone spiked the cr?me fraiche.
BAGEL BOY
Make fun. But after you had your third coronary bypass - remember this moment.
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Hi.
About the dialogue: Its good. Flows well. And it definately gets better towards the end. My criticism would be that sometimes it can sound quite forced, and I have this problem too. There are some lines which are too 'thought-through', and can be slightly cute.
Example:
"That would depend on who you ask. And it's not really "movie writer". Screenwriter is a little more accurate."
and
"Yeh, and don't you forget it."
"Listen Pandora; contrary to the laws of physics, the whole world doesn't revolve around you."
Of course, this may be intentional for the characters but I find it a lot in some of my own scripts and others that I read. Sometimes, it's like everyone is trying to be witty. It might just be the way I read it.
Thats it though really.
I love this : Hey, do you mind? I'm a level five vegan and if word got out I ate mayonnaise then I'd lose my privileges.
Bagel Boy is a great character. So is Eve.
I think Guy works well with everyone else but John needs a little work. I think John has too many of the 'cute' lines. Although I think it would work if played along the same lines as Ricky Gervais in the office.
I liked it though, its got potential. Just wack some kind of absurd and unlikely plot on it and I think it would be even better.
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"That'd depend who you ask. It's not really "movie writer", Screenwriter's more accurate."
That's how I'd write that line.
Overall nice, I've always wanted to film in the London Underground. However, I still prefer the idea of couriers using the underground [img]wink.gif[/img]
Mods
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Hey there.
I liked it man. It made me smile. Everything seemed to work fine. This is a comedy thats why some dialog is not "natural" because hes trying make us laugh. If it was just the way people talk in real life it wouldnt be comedy it would be more strait drama.
"How do you begin and end a sentence with the same word like that?"
Thats a lift right?
Ill let the others slip as there slightly changed.
Also. For the slagging you give Kevin Smith your dialog is very much in the same vien.
P.S
Bagel Boy.... Hmmmmm. Did you like 40 Days and 40 Nights.
Despin out.
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No. Kevin Smith writes comedy like that. Some of the dialogue in Clerks is way too planned and not befitting of the characters.
In this screenplay, the only character that has forced, and planned dialogue is John - and he's the least funny out of all the characters.
Owen Wilson is the master of writing comedy, not Kevin Smith. Just watch Bottle Rocket.
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Hey there.
NO........ You are the one that writes the best comedy.
Despin out.
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**** ...it's good, it's got potential and it does flow...but, it bugs me.
Why does it bug me?
1. It sounds like lunchtime at film school with everything trying to be the wittiest at the table.
2. You referance a lot of films in there. It's all quite specificly film related in that its so obviously written by an aspiring film maker. And I can't help feeling that some non-film people won't really get the whole thing.
Of course it depends on where you take it. this is not really a criticism, more of an observation. But my advice if the two main guys are film geeks than dont make kim chip in with the chasing amy thing. As a contrast make her pretty clueless about films. (Most people I meet on public transport know a bout the matrix and independence day, not chasing amy, royal teennnenbaums et al.)
3. "Felt mortified like a deer caught in the headlights of a car." That line makes NO SENSE whatsoever. Surely you mean terrified.
Im sorry for nitpicking, but film school makes me this way...its one of the best efforts i've read in a while, even making me smile in places. I hope the final film won't be THAT dialogue heavy though.
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it was really good, it made me read further because i wanted to find out about what this deal with eve was.
About John's sayings, I can understand the critisism some people have about it, but some people actually do talk that 'smart'. Of course, if you can make it more natural it would only do good to the script.
Yes good script, I give it two thumbs up [img]wink.gif[/img]
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Hey there.
I talk that smart ALL the time.
Despin out.
