faces of the past

..it seemed strange not to have any snow on halloween.. i thought nothing of it as we walked up that street together..

the weekend passed me by in a haze as forgotten faces resurfaced from the past.. we drank in merry splendour until the night closed to an early end.. very early saturday morning, november first, two-thousand-three, i sat in my usual chair with my book in my lap..

the sounds of willie nelson playing in the background broke the silence as i stared out into the first snowfall of the year.. the perfect end to a heartwrenching day.. i cried for i was overjoyed that he was there.. in the gentle rush of the snowflakes i knew he was beside me..

In the twilight glow I see
Blue eyes cryin' in the rain
When we kissed goodbye and parted
I knew we'd never meet again

Love is like a dyin' ember
Only memories remain
Through the ages I'll remember
Blue eyes cryin' in the rain

Some day when we meet up yonder
We'll stroll hand in hand again
In a land that knows no partin'
Blue eyes cryin' in the rain

Now my hair has turned to silver
All my life I've loved in vain
I can see her star in heaven
Blue eyes crying in the rain

saturday passed.. it was almost unrealistic.. bright sunny day.. i was on top of the world and nothing could bring me down.. more long lost faces appeared throughout the day.. why all of a sudden was i seeing these people.. today, of all days, they came back into my life..

our conversations were tense.. smiles, forced.. we tried to be happy for each other, but the tension was so thick it stood in the air, threatening to come down upon us at any minute.. but it didn't..

..we agreed to go to the spot on sunday.. the last spot we all stood as a family.. the last spot we all stood as enemies..

it was so crazy.. to be there with them again.. we were all together, just like old times.. i stood at the spot where he lay and i kneeled down..

for the first time in my life, i prayed..

..i almost did it this time.. i almost left him there, but i couldn't.. i felt a hand upon my shoulder as they told me it was time to go..

how they could want to leave so quickly.. all we had once loved was buried in that ground.. our family, friends, lives.. there they were, right at our feet.. and they wanted to leave them.. as they did, us..

we piled into the car, overcome with emotions.. we made it half an hour down the road before pulling over to the side.. nobody said anything, we just sat there while the engine idled and stared out the windows..

silently we agreed to go back.. we spent the remainder of the day at this hallow place without so much as speaking until the end..

the end.. what is the end..

..he came to me and placed his hand on my shoulder like he did so many times before.. i just looked up at him and cried.. he cried, too, for he felt it also.. all our friends there.. they were no longer in the ground beneath us.. they were right there beside us..

*heavy sigh..

if i go to sleep.. will i wake up where i was before the nightmare started... ?

if i wake up.. will i ever see you again?..

if i dream... will you be there?..

..he promised me he'd always be there.. then why do i feel so alone..