You Might Be A Redneck If...

You Might Be A Redneck If...

Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

You think God looks a lot like Hank Williams, Jr., and heaven looks a lot like Daytona Beach, Florida.

You believe dual air bags refer to your wife and mother-in-law.

Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.

You were acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Elvis 45's.

You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl'.

The people on Jerry Springer's show remind you of your neighbors.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off it's wheels.

You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.

Your sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby as a result of an alien abduction.

You think subdivision is part of a math problem.

You can get dog hair from out of your belly button.

You think the three primary colors are John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray.

Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law against it.

The beer can collection in the town museum is the big tourist attraction.

You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

You take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took.

You believe that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.

You think genitalia is an Italian airline.

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

You keep empty beer cans in your fridge for your friends that don't drink.

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.

You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.

You buy your jewelry at the hardware store.



http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y10/ellanoize/lmao.gif

LMAO at takes a fishing pole to Sea World!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Billy Joe & John Boy from Tenn. are on vacation fishing in Kentucky-they go into town on the 3rd day for supplies and see a store on the main st. with a sign saying: men's suits-5.00, men's pants-2.50, men's shirts-1.50.

Billy Joe tells John Boy "what a deal! We'll buy as much as we can, take it back home sell it and get rich".

He tells John Boy to let him do the talking, since they might guess where they're from and not do business with them.

Billy Joe goes in and says "I'll take 75 of those suits, 100 pair of pants and 150 shirts-just load them into my pickup out front!.

The KY boy behind the counter says "you boys are from Tennessee, ain't you?

Billy says "how'd you know that?"

The boy says, "this here's a dry cleaners!"

When Billy Bob passed away, His wife Bobbie Sue went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries.
The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Bobbie Sue what she would like to say about Billy Bob.

Bobbie Sue replied, "You just put 'Billy Bob died'."

The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, asked, "That's it? Just 'Billy Bob died.'?
Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about him. If it's
money you're concerned about, the first six words are free. We must
say something more."

So Bobie Sue pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K. You put, Billy Bob died.
Boat for sale."

Bubba and his wife were working in their garden one day and Bubba looks over at his wife and says "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue grill."

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.

"Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue grill!!!" She shook her head, and ignored her husband.

Later that night in bed, Bubba is feeling frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

[img]tongue.gif[/img]

hahahaha*wheezing* hahahahaaaaa...those redneck jokes are just so funny.

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt.

So he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard.
Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried. So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster- I've got to do something about this!

He walks up to the new bird and says, 'So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself.'

Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definately thought he was more than a match for the old guy. 'You're on', he said, 'and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!'

So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there.

Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella.

By now the farmer has heard the commotion.
He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead.

He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.

As he walks away slowly, he says to himself..... 'Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month.'

hahahaha....love chicken jokes..uh oh...ok Rog bring em on!!!!

Red Neck Computer terms....

Hard drive" - Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.

"Keyboard" - Whare you're supposed to put da keys so da wife can find 'em.

"Window" - Place in the truck to hang your guns.

"Floppy" - When you run out of Polygrip.

"Modem" - How you got rid of your dandelions.

"ROM" - Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.

"Byte" - First word in a kiss-off phrase.

"Reboot" - What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.

"Network" - Activity meant to provide bait for your trot line.

"Mouse" - Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.

"LAN" - To borrow as in, "Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck."

"Cursor" - What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.

"Bit" - A wager as in, "I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways."

"Digital Control" - What yore fingers do on the TV remote.

"Backspace" - The place in back of front seat of the car where you keep a case of beer.

"Rom" - Wander: "Wher' ya goin?" "Ah dunnow. Recon I'll jus rom round"

"Web" - DUH? should be obvious. What spiders make, tickles yer butt when you gotta go while in the woods.

"Edit" - Past tense of "eat" "Wher'd that leftover possum belly go?" " You edit afore you passed out las nite.

"Log On" - Making da wood stove hotter.

"Log Off " - Don't add no wood.

"Monitor" - Keep an eye on da wood stove.

"Microchip" - What's left in da bag when da chips are gone.

"Laptop" - Where da grandkids sit.

"Fonts" - That really cool guy from the show, Happy Days.

OH those are great Rog!!! Its nice to know I can always find a reason to laugh THNAKS TO YOU my friend...nothing can ever be that bad with a guy like you around making me chuckle!!! It truly is so nice to have you back full time!!! [img]biggrin.gif[/img]

LOL love the cursor...*wiping tears*

Redneck Medical Terms

Artery - The study of paintings.
Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria.
Barium - What doctors do when patients die.
Benign - What you be after you be eight.
Catscan - Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize - Made eye contact with her.
Cesarean Section - A neighborhood in Rome.
Colic - A sheep dog.
Coma - A punctuation mark.
D&C - Where Washington is.
Dilate - To live long.
Enema - Not a friend.
Fester - Quicker than someone else.
Fibula - A small lie.
Genital - Non-Jewish person.
G.I.Series - World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail - What you hang your coat on.
Impotent - Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain - Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff - A Doctor's cane.
Morbid - A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates - Cheaper than day rates.
Node - I knew it.
Outpatient -A person who has fainted.
Ovaries - You get to try again.
Pap Smear - A fatherhood test.
Pelvis - Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative - A letter carrier.
Recovery Room - Place to do upholstery.
Rectum - Pretty near killed him.
Secretion - Hiding something.
Seizure - Roman emperor.
Tablet - A small table.
Terminal Illness - Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor - More than one.
Urine - Opposite of you're out.
Varicose -Near by/close by.

"I Love You" in 10 different languages"


English..... I Love You
Spanish..... Te Amo
French...... Je T'aime
German...... Ich Liebe Dich
Japanese.... Ai Shite Imasu
Italian..... Ti Amo
Chinese..... Wo Ai Ni
Eskimo...... Nagligivaget
Hawaiian.... Aloha Wau la Oe
Redneck..... Nice Tits

A farmer in his pickup truck in Alabama was driving across a bridge when he noticed a man standing on the rail of the bridge ready to jump to his death in the river below. The man stopped his truck ran up to the man and said, 'Hey fellow, why are you doing this?'

The man replied, 'Well, I have nothing to live for.'

The Alabama man replied, 'Well, think of your wife and children!'
The jumper replied, 'I have no wife or children.'

The Alabama man then said, 'Well, then think of your mother and father!'
The man replied, 'Mom and Dad passed on many years back.'

The Alabama man then said, 'Well, think of General Robert E. Lee!'
The would-be jumper replied, 'Who?'

With that the Alabama man said, 'Jump, you stupid Yankee, jump'

*ROTF*......really like the love ones..especially the last hahahahha

OMGAWD Roger I CAN'T catch my breath from laughing so hard!!!
I love this
You think genitalia is an Italian airline.
Or Ovaries...chance to do it over HAHAHAHA
I have to send the medical terms to a Dr. friend of mine 'He'll love em!!!

Two stupid farmers had this mule that was a very hard worker. The only problem was every time they went to put the mule back in his stall, his ears would brush the top of the entrance and then the old mule would go nuts and kick everything.

One day, the farmers decided to cut a opening in the top to prevent this from happening. While they were working, a neighbor stopped by and asked what they were doing, so they explained the problem. The neighbor suggested that they could save a lot of work and time if they simply took a shovel and dug the entrance down a little bit. The farmers thanked their neighbor and he drove off.

Then the one farmer said to the other, 'Some stupid neighbor we have, it's not his feet that's too long, it's his ears!'

One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Buds. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Looky thar up ahead Earl. It's a po-leece roadblock. We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"

"Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?" asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talking, okay?" said Earl.

They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been drinking?" "No sir." said Earl. "We're on the patch."

IF BILL GATES WAS A REDNECK

1. Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders

2. Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle

3. Occasionally you'd bring up a window that was covered with a heftybag

4. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of Ahh-ight or Naaaaa

5. Instead of ta-da the opening sound would be dueling banjos

6. The Recycle Bin in Winders'95 would be an outhouse

7. Whenever you pulled up the sound player you'd hear a digitized drunk redneck yelling Feebird!

8. Instead of Start Me Up the Winders'95 theme song would be Achy-Braky Heart

9. PowerPoint would be named ParPawnt

10. Microsoft's programming tools would be Vishul Basic and Vishul C++

11. Winders'95 logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag

12. New Shutdown wav: Y'all come back now, Yah hear?

13. Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz"

14. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am

15. Microsoft Office replaced with Micrasawft Henhouse

16. Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver

17. Well, the first thing you know, old Bill's a billionaire...

18. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor Pull Simulator

19. Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates

You Might Be a redneck...

You think Sherlock Holmes is a housing project down in Biloxi.

You think a stock tip is advice on worming' your hogs.

You think TACO BELL is the Mexican Phone Company

Your house still has the "WIDE LOAD" sign on the back.

You think Possum is "The Other White Meat"

You think a quarter horse is a ride out in front of the Wal-Mart.

You think safe sex is a padded headboard.

You think subdivision is part of a math problem.

You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

Your front porch collapses and four dogs git killed.

The people on Jerry Springer's show remind you of your neighbors

Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."

You think fast food is hitting a possum at 65 mph.

The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.

A seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.

You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

Your high school basketball game got rained out.

Two Redneck hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their adventure, and bagged six big bulls. The pilot came back as arranged to pick them up.

They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected he said, ?The plane can take out only four of your elk. You will have to leave two behind.?

One of the hunters pushed forward, ?Hey, last year our pilot let us take out six elk. It was the same model plane, same weather conditions, and everything. What?s with this? We want you to allow us to fly out just like last year.

Reluctantly the pilot finally permitted them to put all six elk aboard and the men all climbed in with their gear. But when they attempted to take off and fly out of the valley, the little plane could not make it. They crashed in the wilderness.

Climbing out of the wreckage, one Redneck said to the other, ?Do you know where we are??

?I think so,? replied the other Redneck. ?Yep! I think this is about 100 yards further along than where we crashed last year!?

You might be a redneck if...

You think cur is a breed of dog.

People hear your car long before they see it.

Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.

Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.

Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.

Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.

Your birth announcement included the word "rug rat".

You've ever hitchhiked naked.

You're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.

Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.

Taking a dip has nothing to do with water.

There are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.

The hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.

You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.

You've ever shot somebody over a mall parking space.

Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.

You think mud rasslin' should be an Olympic sport.

The receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business.

*wiping tears*...I needed to catch up because I've been away and now I'm paying dearly for it..ROTFLMAO...these are just too funny....