OT: self-worth

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November 27th, 2005, 03:15 AM
StarTrekCaptain

My mom says I worry too much over my grades. She says it is ok to get a B. But I want all A's. I do make straight A's though so it is ok. But I stress out so much I get sick over it. But I always end up with perfect grades. My mom says I shouldn't base my self-worth on what grades I get.

I like doing beauty pageants. I like them because they're pretty you dress up fancy and do fancy hair and makeup and get crowns and stuff. But I always lose. Cause I'm not pretty enough. But I really WANT to be pretty and for people to pick me as the winner and think that I am pretty. My mom says I shouldn't base my self-worth on peoiple picking me as the prettiest in a beauty pageant.

I get sick a lot. I have some health problems. I worry about those too and I try to stay healthy. But I feel not good as other people my age because I've got things wrong with me. My mom says don't base your self-worth on that either.

What ARE you supposed to base your self-worth on? My mom is gone and this is bugging me. I won't go to sleep.
[img]graemlins/wonder.gif[/img]

[ November 26, 2005 11:17 PM: Message edited by: StarTrekCaptain ]
November 27th, 2005, 03:41 AM
nycgal

I do the same thing with my grades. I hold SO much pressure on myself, and as a result get very stressed out about school. However, if I don't get too carried away it usually works in my favor because I'm in the running to be valedictorian of my class. I really hope so, since I've been working my butt off for 4 years! I'm also an actress and have a very difficult time with auditions because I get so down when I don't get cast in something. I don't really know how to avoid getting down about your self-worth, but I do know that you shouldn't base it on what anyone else thinks. There will always be people who don't like what you have to say or offer...and there will always be people who will! Try to base your feelings of self-confidence on accomplishments YOU are proud of that YOU achieved, like a poem you finished writing or a song that you love singing, not on something you have no control over, like beauty pageants or the state of your health.

Don't know if that helps, but that's my opinion. [img]smile.gif[/img]

[ November 26, 2005 11:42 PM: Message edited by: AG*dancer* ]
November 27th, 2005, 03:51 AM
ponydreamer

Oh honey...don't be so hard on yourself. We are all imperfect, and there is no way to change that.

I think you are a wonderful young lady, with many gifts. You are very special. Don't ever forget that.
November 27th, 2005, 10:00 AM
cami713

Quote:

Hmmmm.... deep question....
how about honesty, integrety, compassion, being true to the values you think are important in the world...
and we're not all perfect at that...

I agree with this 100%. Especially being true to your own morals and values, perfect or not, you should always stick to your guns about everything. Especially the issues that are attacking teenagers now: drugs, smoking, drinking, etc. Don't think they're bad because people tell you they are. You have to KNOW they are bad yourself, or it really doesn't matter at all.
November 27th, 2005, 03:54 PM
Aunt Cornelia

Well, I think you should base your self-worth on how you act. If you treat other people nicely and do good things, then you are a good person. If you care about yourself and others, then you are a good person. From what I can tell about you from your post, you are a very good person! [img]smile.gif[/img] You care deeply. In fact, too much. Don't worry so much about what others think of you. Mostly, they are just worried about what others think of "them," and they are not thinking about you at all...lol! I understand the part about wanting to be perfect, with grades and all. But in the long run, it's really not that important. After high school, no one worries about what your grades were and a few B's really don't hurt. And they're definately not worth getting sick over. I always tried to get A's, too, but I did end up with some B's and even a C once! It was upsetting, but my world (surprisingly!) didn't end. Maybe you could try asking God to take away your worries. I do that now and it really works!

Good Luck!
November 27th, 2005, 04:01 PM
StarTrekCaptain

AGDancer thank you, I know what you mean about taking rejection. Its neat you are an actress. I am glad you keep trying even when you don't get a part. And thats really good you might be valedictorian. Thank you for your help.

Ponydreamer you literally make me cry I am sitting here with tears down my face. And I don't even know why!thank you though.. They are good tears I guess.
ps I like your ponydreamer name

[ November 27, 2005 12:06 AM: Message edited by: StarTrekCaptain ]
November 27th, 2005, 04:10 PM
nicolej

Quote:

Originally posted by StarTrekCaptain:

What ARE you supposed to base your self-worth on? My mom is gone and this is bugging me. I won't go to sleep.
[img]graemlins/wonder.gif[/img]

[ November 26, 2005 11:17 PM: Message edited by: StarTrekCaptain ]

Hmmmm.... deep question....
how about honesty, integrety, compassion, being true to the values you think are important in the world...
and we're not all perfect at that...
you have value and worth just because you are you - there's no one better at being you than you!! [img]smile.gif[/img]
November 27th, 2005, 04:35 PM
cebula_2000

Honey, you are a specially made child of God. He made you and He loves you. You have a purpose in this world, even if you don't know what it is yet. Never forget this.
November 27th, 2005, 05:48 PM
StarTrekCaptain

Thanks everybody. I am in college now. Thats why I think its so important to get perfect grades.
I just got my grades back from this past quarter and I got all A's again.
I asked my mom and she told me something this is what she told me- you have self worth because Jesus thought of you years before you were even born and decided you were worth giving up his life on earth for so he died so that you could live your life and go to heaven to live forever and since he made such a big sacrificice for you then you know you are worth a lot.
That makes me feel better.....

but, um, I still want to be pretty...
November 27th, 2005, 10:10 PM
mayergirl

I have a friend who says, "if you have to chose between a 4.0 and a good time in college, don't pick the 4.0." I got straight As in high school. I didn't get them in college. I could have, but I decided that some things were just more important. And I'll tell you, not getting a 4.0 hasn't hurt me a bit. I got into an incredible graduate program as the first person to be accepted without at least 5 years of government experience, and I'm headed to law school next year. It's not the A that's important, it's what you learned. I know plenty of people who got As in classes that they can't remember a single thing from. I, on the other hand, remember everything about the classes I got a B in. Remember, your education is about YOU. It's not about the job it can get you, or the approval people will give you. You go to school because YOU want to learn. I know people tell you otherwise, but your life is about you, and living it. Don't let anyone tell you you're not pretty enough, or you're not smart enough. If they're telling you that, all it means is that you're both prettier and smarter than they are. Your mom is right, your self-worth isn't based on anything that other people can see. Your self-worth is about being satisfied with who you are. If you're not feeling good enough, you have to remember to work on the things that make YOU happy. If you enjoy going to the movies, it's not going to hurt you to take a few hours off studying to go to the movies. If you want to work out, it's no big deal to go to the gym without makeup on. Life is about living it and being the very best you you can be. Do what makes you happy and satisfied, not what other people say should make you happy and satisfied. Good luck, and don't worry! You're great, and everyone who really knows you knows that.
November 28th, 2005, 01:16 PM
robin0850

Here is something I would like to tell all young people:

I believe that children and young people are like snowflakes--every one beautiful, each one unique, each one perfect--the handiwork of God.

Everyone wants to be pretty and smart, but remember that that is not what others love about you--you are loved because of the beauty and goodness in your heart.

Beauty contests for your age group kind of make me sad, since only one winner can be chosen, thus setting one pretty girl above many other contestants, all of whom may be equally or uniquely beautiful in her own right.
So go ahead and enter beauty contests if that's something you enjoy, but remember that there are many different standards of beauty, and just because you didn't win, doesn't mean you aren't beautiful.

Remember the snowflakes!

[img]smile.gif[/img] [img]graemlins/heart.gif[/img]
November 28th, 2005, 03:24 PM
lscogbill

Quote:

Originally posted by StarTrekCaptain:
What ARE you supposed to base your self-worth on? [ November 26, 2005 11:17 PM: Message edited by: StarTrekCaptain ]

"The content of your character"

Whatever you do in life, there will always be someone smarter (even if you're valedictorian ... wait until you get to college), prettier, a better dancer/swimmer/soccer player, etc. And the best swimmer in the world today may lose the next meet. Just remember to be the best person you can be. In order to have self-worth you have to appreciate your accomplishments, not just attain them.
November 28th, 2005, 05:41 PM
kitschywoman

Quote:

I have a friend who says, "if you have to chose between a 4.0 and a good time in college, don't pick the 4.0."

I'll second this. I worked my bum off in college and graduated first in my college with a 4.0. Looking back, I wish I'd taken more time for myself. Heck, I'm not even working in the same field that my degree is in, and that's becoming more and more common these days.

And pretty is as pretty does. I'll never be the prettiest girl in the room, so I've decided to be the fittest. I'm sure you've got several qualities that put you head-and-shoulders above the crowd. Why not nurture those qualities and make yourself stand out even more?

Beauty fades, but your personality only strengthens with age.

(But, if you're determined to improve your appearance, I always tell people to start with their posture. A strong, confident posture will always draw attention. Self-confidence is a very attractive trait in many people's eyes.)
November 28th, 2005, 08:00 PM
stepshigh01

Quote:

Originally posted by Ann O. Nymous:
Honey, you are a specially made child of God. He made you and He loves you. You have a purpose in this world, even if you don't know what it is yet. Never forget this.

I agree. This is funny cuase only yesterday I was thinking, "I'm not smart. I can't do anything right. At times I can be too shy. I'm not at all pretty." Plus several other things you wouldn't be interested in and I wouldn't care to say. But then I realized, Why not be the BEST you CAN be. In everything you do, try to put joy in it and do it the best you can- that doesn't mean PERFECT. That means your best. And about being pretty- there is always people who will think you are beautiful. Your parents, God, (Well, yeah, he made you look the way you do. Doesn't THAT mean something? He thinks you're BEAUTIFUL! [img]biggrin.gif[/img] ) and always that someone that you may have not even met yet. I've tried this, and it works, if you try to be the best you can be, not caring what other people think, (I know it's hard.) you are happier, and you look prettier. I think all girls deal with wanting to please others- but don't let that get in the way blocking your view of who you really are. Beauty is not skin deep, it can be very beautifull in the heart. So you don't get perfect grades- at least you did you're best. My personal thing is expecting an F, so when you get a B or C you squeal with delight. At least ya didn't FLUNK, right? [img]biggrin.gif[/img]
November 28th, 2005, 08:26 PM
heidiabigail

I graduated fourth in my class from high school, and was disappointed with that. I always had high A's and complained about 93's. I was a perfectionist, and always put in 110%. Then I failed my drivers test. That was almost three years ago and I still haven't gotton up my courage to try again. I failed because of road conditions that were out of my control, and I need to get over it. Learning to gracefully fail is a skill I wish I had gained before.

When I came to college, I was out to prove myself. My older sister told me I wouldn't be able to stand the pressure, and that I would cry and run home. I accepted the challenge and aimed for the 4.0. I have had one A- in college so far, and I only have one year left. Here in college I met my fiancee. He opened my eyes to the idea that I was being selfish when I always had to get the A, especially when I complained about my own stupidity at getting less than an A. For many people, it is all they can do to pass. If I demean myself for getting a B, I am insulting them deeply. I had never thought of it that way, and I have been trying really hard to be more considerate. There are more important things to worry about that my grades. I need to worry about being a loving friend and being willing to sacrifice anything.

I gave up on self image a long time ago. I had a lot of struggles with acne in high school and I was wicked self conscious. Nothing worked to take it away, and eventually I threw in the towel and decided I wasn't going to worry about it anymore. Haveing less stress alone makes my complexion improve, though it is no where near as bad as before anyway. I was washing it too much and making matters worse for myself before.

If you are fostering relationships and making concious efforts to be a better person, you are in the right spot. Who cares if you are the prettiest (yeah, i know you care now, but we need to think realisticly. Do your friends like pretty people more than plain people? If they judge people solely on looks they may not be the best friends for you). Also, there are thousands of beautiful people in the world, and they can't all win the beauty contests! I think it is horrendous to have beauty contests in the first place. It makes people worry about their image far too much. Image is not what is important. Are you a loving person? Are you always there for your friends? Do you honor and respect your parents? Those are things you need to worry about- not your looks.

As someone who has struggled with this personally, it is a relief to let it go. You don't have to be the best. I don't have to be the best. I like to smile and say to myself that I could have been the best if that was where I had chosen to apply myself, but I made a choice about what was most important to me, and grades/beauty was not at the top of my list. I have stayed up all night instant messageing a friend with a troubled heart. I had a huge project that I was supposed to be working on, but people are more important. I would rather focus there.

[ November 28, 2005 04:35 PM: Message edited by: simplepretty ]
November 28th, 2005, 08:27 PM
lscogbill

Quote:

Originally posted by kitschywoman:
<blockquote>quote:<hr /> I have a friend who says, "if you have to chose between a 4.0 and a good time in college, don't pick the 4.0."

I'll second this. I worked my bum off in college and graduated first in my college with a 4.0. Looking back, I wish I'd taken more time for myself. Heck, I'm not even working in the same field that my degree is in, and that's becoming more and more common these days.

And pretty is as pretty does. I'll never be the prettiest girl in the room, so I've decided to be the fittest. I'm sure you've got several qualities that put you head-and-shoulders above the crowd. Why not nurture those qualities and make yourself stand out even more?

Beauty fades, but your personality only strengthens with age.

(But, if you're determined to improve your appearance, I always tell people to start with their posture. A strong, confident posture will always draw attention. Self-confidence is a very attractive trait in many people's eyes.)<hr /></blockquote>True story: some execs of a local company were traveling on the company's jet and one was talking about his degree from a top-notch university and his awesome grades there. The president of the company noted that he himself had average grades at another college but "look who's working for who" [img]wink.gif[/img]
November 28th, 2005, 11:05 PM
Wingin_it

I have felt how you are feeling. High School was hard for this exact reason.

I have learned a few things about self-worth since then. Personally, I think self-worth has to be based on something that is not a comparison with others. Don't think you have to be better than someone else to feel good about yourself. This life is not a competition to see who ends up on top. Although pageants and contests may be a fun hobby, if they make you feel inadequate, maybe you should do something that emphasizes the good you have within you, and the love, kindness, and happiness you are capable of bringing to others. For me, I learned this when teaching English in Russia to Kindergarten children. I lived with a family there and was able to share my resources and time to teach English to their 11 year old daughter. I was able to take her with me as I traveled all over Russia. Something she would not be able to do with their extremely limited money. I bet if you got creative, you could find a million ways to help other people around you. Maybe even something related to your interests and hobbies.

Having high goals and standards is a wonderful thing, but don't feel like your worth is based on it. At the end of your life, it won't matter what your grades were. What will matter are the lives you influenced.

--Sheree

--Sheree