Just Jokin'

NEW PASTOR

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one
house it Seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to
his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card
and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his
card Had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message,"Genesis
3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales
of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis
3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was
naked."

<font color="#000002" size="1">[ January 25, 2008 10:29 AM: Message edited by: cherrysmum ]</font>

Menopause Jewelry

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

hahahahha...I'd like one of those..

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.



"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.



Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

(True Story) I LOVE IT

that is good to know....too bad you have to play tricks like that LOL

It really is...I recently found when my sister had a seizure that the enhanced 911 system is for crap in someplace. They kept asking questions BEFORE they were willing to send someone rolling that direction. Unfortunately (I wasn't there) the person trying to answer said questions was a hairdressers with no formal knowledge of my sister WTF????

groaaaannnnnnnnning...*tossing popcorn at rog*

After getting all Pope John-Paul II's luggage loaded in the limo (and His Holiness doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "They never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh,wonderful. Now I'm really gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the patrolman approaches,but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," said the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that - he's really important," said the cop.

"All the more reason."

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

"What'd ya think there, the Mayor?"

"Bigger."

"The Governor?"

"Bigger.",

"Who is it?"

"I think it's God!"

"What makes you think it's God?"

"Well, He's got the Pope driving for Him!"

Are you saying he needs to do better than that [img]wink.gif[/img]

A redneck and a Frenchman were caught in Kentucky for making and selling bad moonshine. The law decided to hang them off the middle of the Ohio Bridge. They tied the rope around the Frenchman's neck and said, "Do you have any last words?"

He said, "No."

They threw him off the bridge, but the rope was too long. He removed the rope from his neck and swam to the Ohio side of the river.

Then they tied the same rope around the redneck's neck and said, "Do you have any last words to say?"

He said, "Yes, shorten up that rope boys 'cause I can't swim."

Airline Cabin Announcements I

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Southwest flight 245 (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight a announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we?ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments

*ROTF* at # 9...they were all good though...

So Mum who's your favorite [img]wink.gif[/img]

A lady walks into a bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the counter.
She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.
"Magic Beer", he says.
She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after that there is no one else worth talking to,goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says,
"That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"
"Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building 3 times and comes back in the window.
The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."
He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.
She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."
She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.
The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk!"

hahahaha....oh and my favorite one..eenie..meenie...minee ..moe...wait a minute, one potato, two potato, three potato four.....no that won't do either. *omg they are turning blue* Oh well....rock...paper...scissors..

Time may be a great healer...But it's a terrible beautician!

ok I don't get that????

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand.

There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while, a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her..."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast", says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"

"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up!"

hahahaha.....kibbles and bits

He's on a roll!!!

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what
could be a crucial decision.
I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My
wife
has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask
their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know
them."
I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she
always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if
she
has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a
taxi?
I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she
went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why
was I checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep
down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out
again and I decided to really check on her.
I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to
the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole
street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my
Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be
leaking a little oil.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

Thanks, Bob

Investment tips
the latest in big business mergers,

1 Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Co. will become : Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2 Polygram Records, Warner Bros. and zesta Crackers will become: Polly Warner Cracker.

3 3M will merge with Godyear and become: MMM Good

4 Fedex is merging with UpS and will become: Fed Up

5 Grey Poupon and Docker Pants will become: Poupon Pants

6 Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will become: Titty Titty Bang Bang

I was having some work done at the car dealer. A blonde woman
came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

They all looked at each other, and one of the mechanics asked, "What is
a seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine.
I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there."


The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to
draw what the piece looked like.

She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her
over to another car which had the hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on
this car?"

She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."

http://i65.photobucket.com/albums/h2...ler269/710.jpg

Q: What's Irish and stays outside the house at night, even in the rain?

A: Paddy O'furniture [img]biggrin.gif[/img]

Right On!!!

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD

Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

Consider:
You can get shit-faced, Be shit-out-of-luck, Or have shit for brains.

With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit, or be asked to shit or get off the pot.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.

Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!

You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit!

Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head...........
Well, Shit Happens!!!

A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer.

"And, now you sir?", he asked the second man. "Hmmm...let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular clich? for speed." He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said. Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. "Oh sure", said Old Bubba. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants."

Old Bubba is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you! You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on!....

I am certain of one thing...I will think of you anytime I enter a Wal-mart and laugh!!! [img]biggrin.gif[/img]

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin people to git cancer?"

"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.

"And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants fer makin them fat an cloggin their arteries with all them burgers an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"

"Sure is, Bubba."

"And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?"

"Yep."

"And that football player sued that university when he gradiated and still couldn't read?"

"That's right," said the lawyer."

"But why are you asking?"

"Well, I was thinkin .. . . What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?"

LOL REALLY LOUD!!! [img]rolleyes.gif[/img]

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers. "Hello."
"Mrs. Ward, please."
"Speaking"
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, the results are either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's, and the other one tested positive for gonorhea. We can't tell which your husband is."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" asked Mrs. Ward.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

ROTF>>>

Getting Older

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

**********************************************

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."

***********************************************

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

***********************************************

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"

**************************************************

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

************************************************

An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

hot mama..or heart murmur...LOL

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar.
Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?"


Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing,
but I think I've got that right now."


Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong,
I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it.
Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."


Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"


Stevie says, "Yes, I've been playing for years".


Tiger says, "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"


Stevie Wonder replies, "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me.
I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him.
Then, when I get to where the ball lands,
the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."


But, how do you putt?" asks Tiger.


Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole
and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."


Tiger asks, "What's your handicap?"


Stevie says, "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer."


Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."


Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously,
so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole.
That a problem?"


Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that.
$10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?"


Stevie says, "Pick a night".

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be
here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of
babies"
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is
fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,
um......equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we
can get to work."
"Tripod?????"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
me to hold for very long.
Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's
fainted!!"

That's a good one!!!

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their
domestic
tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper
reporter
was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage." Well,
it
dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand
Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by pack mule.
We
hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said,
'That's once.' We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled
again.
Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a
half-mile
when the mule stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a
revolver
from her pocket and shot the mule dead. I started to protest over her
treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said 'That's
once.'"

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

A little girl walks into her parents' bathroom and notices for the First time, her father's nakedness.

Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn't have. She asks, "What are those round things hanging there, daddy?"

Proudly, he replies, "Those, sweetheart, are God's Apples of Life.

Without them we wouldn't be here."

Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said.

To which mommy asks, "Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging from?"