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Okay I will start...
On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and with
great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Catholic
husband had settled down on the couch.?
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her,
he
replied, Can't, it's Lent.
In tears, she remarked, well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have
ever
heard!
Who did you lend it to, and for how long?
[img]biggrin.gif[/img]
*LMAO*
A man goes to see his psychiatrist saying : "I'm a Tipi, I'm a Wigwam, I'm a Tipi, I' a Wigwam,... "
Says the psychiatrist: "Relax, you are too tense"
Get it??? I love this one, its my all time favorite*LOL
hahahaha 2 TENTS Thats great!!!
heres a long one...make sure you pee first!!!WARNING: Do NOT read this on a full bladder!
"WAX is Not your Friend"
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless
removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the
kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few
hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I
headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.
It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub
the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press
them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no
fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined
enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck
together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the
hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax,"
yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and
pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do
this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am
She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into
the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and
place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip
across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo*
and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I
inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I
notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!! Another deep
breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass
out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK,
back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much
pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my
triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!
There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The
hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax.
CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now
covered in cold wax and matted hair.
Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the
toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
DAMN!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. *hoo-hoo*? Sealed shut! Butt??
Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to
myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What can I
do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!!
I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the
wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
WRONG!!!!!!!
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture
prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having
them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot
water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold
wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself
to the porcelain!!
God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the
bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how
to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter - "So, my butt and who-ha
are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she
does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is
located, "Are we talking cheeks or who-ha?"
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she
suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be
the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a
razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax,
glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky
wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm
pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the
lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at
this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids
and scared the dickens out of my friend.
It's sooo painful, I but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!" I get a
hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and
despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have
amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color......
Now thats funny ........ Notttttttttt!!!!
Yeah I was laughing so hard...My moma sent it to me this morning and I had never read it b4...
i love the who-ha/hoo-hoo parts!!!
A small Kentucky Wild Animal Park acquired a very rare species of
gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla, who was a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of Eddie
Standen, a large redneck part time intern, who was responsible for
cleaning the animal's cages.
Eddie, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The Park administrator thought he might have a solution. Eddie was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00? Eddie showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Eddie announced that he would accept their offer, but only under the following four conditions;
1. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips."
The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition.
2. "Second," Eddie said, "you must never tell anyone about this." The
park administrator again readily agreed to this condition.
3. "Third," Eddie said, "I want all the offspring to be raised Southern
Baptist." Once again the administrator agreed.
4. And last of all Eddie stated; "You've got to give me another week to
come up with the $500.00. [img]tongue.gif[/img] [img]tongue.gif[/img]
OMGG!!! I read this somewhere before but I am peeing my pants again. This is priceless, isn't it? Oh my,...
*LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL*
LMAO!! Oh crap that was funny. **looking around office** That was hilarious
Oh this is one to remember*LMAO
"Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust."
He would have continued but at that moment a little girls voice was heard from the back of the church as she asked quite audibly to her mother, in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, what is butt dust?"
*LOL*
It feels good to laugh*s
MAMA'S BIBLE
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful Doctors and lawyers and prospered.
Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."
The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mamma loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well.
I met this Preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had topledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mamma just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite It."
The other brothers were impressed.
After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:
"Milton, the house you built is so huge I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good.Thanks."
Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. ThankYou."
Luv Ya, Mama
THE BOX UNDER BILL & HILLARY'S BED
When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box
under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."
In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the
afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.
She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that
she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner.
After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she
confessed, saying, "I am so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my
promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know - why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you
deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an
empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
Hillary was shocked , but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However, since you are addicted to sex I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem."
Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"
Bill answered: "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I
took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."
*ROTFLMFAO*
This one is just great!!!
It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. "Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' "
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.! "
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." !
Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now, with almost a mob hysteria, teacher said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"
Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."
The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"
Pedro whispered, ! "Saddam Hussein, 2003."
Finally someone throws a eraser at Pedro, someone! shouted "Duck"!
Teacher, just waking, asked "Who said that?
Pedro: Dick Cheney 2006
OOOOO ROTF!!!!
When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be cured through corrective surgery.
"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.
"Well," said the wife coldly, "You ARE planning to lengthen Ralph's legs, aren't you ?"
Mother Superior called all the nuns together
and said to them, "I must
tell you all something. We have a case of
gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back.
"I'm so tired of
chardonnay."
*LMAO
Anger management
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."
I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f**in number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong!' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!"
It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "asshole calling" would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Verizon. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, which included his phone number, so I wrote down the number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is", he said.
"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.
"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1. "Hello?" he said.
"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Asshole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2. "Hello?" he said.
"Hello, asshole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really works...
*rotflmfao*
Oh boy, I sooooooooooooo needed a laugh today. Thanks
I am so glad I could make you laugh today.
The above story was e-mailed to me, by a good friend. I guess if you're having a bad day you might as well share it...after all there are a LOT OF A**holes out there [img]wink.gif[/img]
A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor.
"Is Fred home?" he asked the woman who answered the door.
"Sorry," the woman replied. "Fred's gone for cotton."
The next day the collector tried again. "Is Fred here today?"
"No, sir," she said, "I'm afraid Fred has gone for cotton."
When he returned the third day he humphed, "I suppose Fred is gone for cotton again,?" "No," the woman answered solemnly,
"Fred died yesterday."
Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Fred's tombstone, with this inscription:
"Gone, But Not for Cotton."
http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y10...eythumbsup.gif
Oh Rog, these are so great I LAUGHED SO HARD I almost ( well ya know I HAVE BEEN SICK)!!!
I love the anger management one!!! [img]graemlins/devil.gif[/img]
*LOL*,...that's some funny stuff*L
A Drunk patron says to the bartender, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $37. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.
The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $37.
The drunk says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender can't believe it, so he picks the guy up, beats the living day lights out of him, and throws him out into the street.
The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says, "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, and give me the bill."
In disgust the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?'
The drunk replies, "No, you get violent when you drink."
*LMAO
Father O'Mally has been preaching at his church in Ireland for so long, that he decides to take a vacation. He has never been married and he is curious as to what an American endures in everyday life. So, he decides to go to the States before it is too late.
He hops on the plane bound for Nevada. He arrives in the Airport in Las Vegas. As he is exiting the plane, someone in the airport runs up to him and exclaims, "Elvis! Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead Elvis! How have you been?"
Father looks at her and says, "Get outta me face. Can't you see I'm not Elvis? I don't look a thing like Elvis." The father moves on to his cab waiting outside. He hops in his cab and he's a little upset so he tells the cabby, "Take me to my hotel and step on it."
The cabby turns and says, "Sure thing sir - Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead! I'm your number one fan! It's so great to see you!"
"Shut up, you imbecile. I'm not Elvis! Now turn around and drive!" So, the cabby speeds up to the hotel. Father O'Malley gets his things and walks up to the hotel check-in counter.
"Oh my God! Oh my God! It's you!" screams the hotel clerk. "You're back Elvis! I knew this day would happen. We saved everything just the way you like it! Free cheeseburgers, peanut butter and banana fried sandwiches, masseurs, complementary hookers and a full liquor bar! I'm so glad you're back!"
Father O'Malley looks at the hotel clerk and says, "Thank you. Thank you very much!"
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
_________________________________________
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
_________________________________________
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
_________________________________________
Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
__________________________________________
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
____________________________________________
A PRAYER....
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
Figures eh?*lol
*LMAO* Those are great Roger!!!
You know you are a 100% Oklahoman if:
1. You can properly pronounce Eufaula, Gotebo, Okemah, and Chickasha.
2. You think that people who complain about the wind in their states are
sissies.
3. A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look
for
a funnel.
4. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on
the
highway.
5. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
6. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by
the
distance to the door, but by the availability of shade.
7. Stores don't have bags, they have sacks.
8. You see people wear bib overalls at funerals.
9. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.
10. You measure distance in minutes. ("I'm about 5 minutes away.")
11. You refer to the capital of Oklahoma as "The City."
12. It doesn't bother you to use an airport named for a man who died in
an
airplane crash.
13. Little Smokies are something you serve only for special occasions.
14. You go to the lake because you think it is like going to the ocean.
15. You listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit.
16. You know cowpies are not made of beef.
17. Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding
date.
18. You have known someone who has had one belt buckle bigger than your
fist.
19. A bad traffic jam involves two cars staring each other down at a
four-way stop, each determined to be the most polite and let the other
go
first.
20. You know in which state "Miam-uh" is and in which state "Miam-ee"
is.
21. You aren't surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, and bait all
in
the same store.
22. Your "place at the lake" has wheels under it.
23. A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F350 4x4 is.
24. You know everything goes better with Ranch.
25. You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.
26. You actually get these jokes and are "fixin" to send them to your
friends..
27. Finally, you are 100% Oklahoman if you have ever heard this
conversation:
"You wanna Coke?"
"Yeah."
"What kind?"
"Dr. Pepper."
[img]tongue.gif[/img]
Oh Lordy, I got enough right, I think I got some Oklahoman in me...Yeee Hawww! [img]tongue.gif[/img]
hahahhahaha....love the last one the best...hahahha
OHHHHH RIGHTY WILD As a true blue OKIE I will admit to
1. You can properly pronounce Eufaula, Gotebo, Okemah, and Chickasha.
2. You think that people who complain about the wind in their states are
sissies.
3. A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look
for
a funnel.
5. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
6. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by
the
distance to the door, but by the availability of shade.
7. Stores don't have bags, they have sacks.
12. It doesn't bother you to use an airport named for a man who died in
an
airplane crash.
13. Little Smokies are something you serve only for special occasions.
15. You listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit.
16. You know cowpies are not made of beef.
18. You have known someone who has had one belt buckle bigger than your
fist.
19. A bad traffic jam involves two cars staring each other down at a
four-way stop, each determined to be the most polite and let the other
go
first.
20. You know in which state "Miam-uh" is and in which state "Miam-ee"
is.
21. You aren't surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, and bait all
in
the same store.
22. Your "place at the lake" has wheels under it.
23. A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F350 4x4 is.
24. You know everything goes better with Ranch.
26. You actually get these jokes and are "fixin" to send them to your
friends..
27. Finally, you are 100% Oklahoman if you have ever heard this
conversation:
"You wanna Coke?"
"Yeah."
"What kind?"
"Dr. Pepper."
NAd for the record its
YOU Fall A
Goat Bo
O Key MA
Chick a shay....
My fav is Number 3 cause every Okie Does that...sirens blare and the whole neighborhood looks like a block party!!!
http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y10...e/gotontop.jpg
** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours"?
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later, the waitress returns with the order.
"That will be $9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week.
"The usual"? asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly, the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time"?
"Well," says the man, "several years ago, I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress.
"Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "But what's with the ostrich"?
The man sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."
A doctor at an (insane) asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.
As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!"
And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, "Down nuts!" And they all sat.
After a home run he yelled, "Cheer nuts!" And they all broke into applause and cheers.
Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.
When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.
The assistant replied, "Well...everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, "PEANUTS!"
Those are great Rog*LMAO
It is worth the time posting them, if at least one of them causes a smile.
Two guys are walking through the woods and came across this big deep hole.
"Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise "Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."
They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."
The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen... Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.
"Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?"
"You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"
"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."
poor goat*LMAO