Joke

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon. Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning madam. I've come to......" "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in. "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too....you can really spread out!" "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me." "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, "I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, my, that's a lot of !!" gasped Mrs. Smith. "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith muttered. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus." "Oh my gawd!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement. "Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling, I could hardly concentrate! Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your um...equipment ?" "That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work." "Tripod??" "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big
for me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ...Good Lord, she's fainted!!"

That was GREAT

tee hee hee! [img]/LDPforum/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/blush.gif[/img]

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys". I told my wife that I would be home by midnight ..promise!

Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick-witted solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.

When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh shit," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening." "You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."

http://filebox.vt.edu/users/kefrank1/old%20ladies.jpg


Two little old ladies were attending a rather long church service.

One leaned over and whispered, "My butt is going to sleep."

"I know," replied her companion, "I heard it snore three times".

A man and his ever-nagging Wife went on vacation to
Jerusalem. While they were there, the Wife passed away.

The undertaker told the Husband, "You can have her
shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the
Holy Land, for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just
have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to
ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be
buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried
here, and three days later he rose from the dead.

I just can't take that chance."

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something
else
to take care of first -- the truck, the car, fishing, always
something
more important to me

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched
silently
for a short
time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a few minutes.

When I came out again, I handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish
cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk."

The doctors say I will eventually walk again, but I will always have
a
limp.

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged.

One Texan turned to the other and said "That little gal is havin"? a bad time. I'm agonna go over there and help."?
He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his BIG Texan hands and asked "Kin ya swaller?"?

Gasping she shook her head "No"?.

He asked "Kin ya breathe?"?

Still gasping she again shook her head "No"?.

With that he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her underwear and licked her butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the bit of hamburger that was stuck and began to breathe on her own.

The Texan sat back down with his friend and said "Ya"? know it's sure amazin"? how that hind-lick maneuver always works!"?

An American businessman was in Japan. He hired a local hooker and was going at it all night with her. She kept screaming "Fugifoo, Fugifoo!!!", which the guy took to be pleasurable.. The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a beautiful 340 yard shot and just 50 yards from the pin. Wanting to impress the clients, he said "Fugifoo".

The Japanese clients looked confused and said "What are you talking about, that's the right hole."

Did you hear about the flasher that was contemplating retirement?
He decided to STICK it out one more year !!!!!!

Ooooh Booo boooo lol

A man walks into a bar.

And hit his head.

Two men walk into a bar.

Gee, you would have thought they would have learned not to walk into a bar after seeing the first guy.

So a man, his wife, their son (11) and daughter(14), and their dog walk into a talent agent's office.

Man says to the talent agent, "Boy have we got a great act for you. A real family act!"

Agent says, "Well, what is it? Give me a preview. I'm not too keen on family acts."

So the family huddles up for a moment and then comes out singing Toto's 'Africa' and doing an African tribal dance, complete with masks and spears.

The son and daughter continue to dance, the dog jumps around on it's hind legs barking in time with the song. Mom and dad take off all their clothes and start [censored] right there on the floor of the agent's office.

After a minute or two of that, dad lies on his back and mom squats over his face and drops a big [censored] in his mouth. He chews up the [censored] and then vomits in the floor. Mom gets on her hands and knees and starts licking it up.

At that point the son starts [censored] his mom in the [censored]. Really pounding her. Dad grabs the daughter and starts eating her out. Daughter grabs the dog and shoves it onto her dad's [censored].

After five minutes of that, they switch up. Daughter is [censored] son, mother is [censored] dog, and dad is sucking his own [censored].

Then they form a circle around the dog and [censored] all over it. A golden shower for poochie. Then dad pulls out an 8" chef's knife and slits the dog from neck to nuts. The family converges on the dog and proceeds to eat every single inch of it's intestines.

So the four of them are covered in [censored], [censored], vomit, [censored], and the bodily fluids of the dog. The break the circle singing 'Endless Love' and bow to the agent.

The agent, nearly hysterical, says, "Wow, that's some act! What do you call yourselves?"

In unison, the family replies, "THE ARISTOCRATS!!!"

Jon was looking for a little "action". He picked up a sweet young thang at the bar and took her back to his hotel room.
Little did he know she was [censored] near a nymphomaniac.

After six times she was screaming for more. After the *eighth*
time Jon told her that he needed to slip out for a pack of cigarettes.

On the way out he stopped in the men's room. He stood in front of the urinal, unzipped, and felt a moment of panic that he couldn't find "it".

After a couple of minutes "fishing around" he finally said, "Look, it's ok. She's not here!"

In a recent interview with the media, New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin was asked his opinion on Roe vs. Wade.

Mr. Nagin replied, "It doesn't matter to me which way our residents get back to their homes!" [img]/LDPforum/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]

how to make a redneck whirlpool: Set in the tub, fart while splashing histerically, then try to bite the bubbles

This is called Bubble Bobbing

A Catholic Nun was teaching a class one day and asked all the students what they wanted to be. Three in particular raised their hands, and stated what they wanted to be. First, little johnny wanted to be a fireman, because that's what his dad was! Secondly, Mikey wanted to be a preacher, which the Nun praised, and said that's a great profession! Then there was a little girl, Mary!, she stood up and said I want to be a PROSTITUTE!... as soon as she said it the Nun fainted! All the little children got scared, and didn't have any idea what to do. But after a few minutes, they finally woke up the Nun.. and asked what was wrong, and she said, Mary, what did you say you wanted to be, and she said I WANT TO BE A PROSTITUTE!, the Nun said "OH, THANK GOD, I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO BE A PROTESTANT! [img]/LDPforum/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

A little religious humor!

What do you call a hot girl at Twin Springs?




































































Macedonian [img]/LDPforum/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]

You Dawg! that is the best one I've heard lately.

What's the difference between women and men?

One has morning sickness, the other has morning stiffness.

> Three little boys were concerned
> because they couldn't get anyone to play with them.
> They decided it was because they had not been baptized
> and didn't go to Sunday School.
>
>
> So they went to the nearest church.
> Only the janitor was there.
>
>
> One little boy said,
> "We need to be baptized
> because no one will come out and play with us.
> Will you baptize us?"
> "Sure," said the janitor.
>
>
> He took them into the bathroom
> and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl,
> one at a time.
> Then he said, "You are now baptized!".
>
>
> " When they got outside,
> one of them asked,
> "What religion do you think we are?"
>
> The oldest one said,
>
> "We're not Kathlick, .because they pour the water on you."
> "We're not Babtis, ....because they dunk all of you in the water."
> "We're not Methdiss, .....because they just sprinkle water on you."
>
> The littlest one said,
> "Didn't you smell that water!"
>
> They all joined in asking,
> "Yeah! What do you think that means?"
>
> "I think it means we're Pisscopailians."