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~Way the fuck back in the depths of time, deep in the heart of Mt OroficeRuin, there lies a big ass flaming crack. There, Euroclone, The Dark Gaylord, fashions in secret the One Ring which will allow him to enslave all the peoples of Middle Turd.~
The Ring had an inscription which could only be read by the Wise, The Learned, The Eldar, hell, pretty much anybody shitfaced on Brit Ales who was handy with some tongs and a fireplace.
Herein lies the words inscribed on the Ring so terrible, so foreboding, so full of ne'er do well portent that even Christopher Walken committed to doing a sit com.....
One fookin arse ring to rule 'em, one soddin' bloody minge to find 'em, one ginger slaphead to sort 'em all out and on the bleedin' footie pitch bind 'em!
"Bwaaaarrrrrrrhaaarrrrr, oh, I kill meself!....Ooooeerrrr, me bleedin' stones are acting the piss again..." deathly intoned the habitually crabby Euroclone. "Right. Sorted. I've had enough of these mincing Do Gooder flanges! Wots mine is mine and all that, and there's fuckall on the telly anyway!! Cry Vicky Peck and let loose the dogs of war!!"
With these words the gates of MoreOdor were opened and out flew Euro's Nine Ringwraiths, bent on finding the Ring, sharing six teeth among 'em. (They were Brit Wraiths, after all...) The Wraiths were on the night wing, and terror gathered upon the land as a dark shawdow eneveloped Smackshire.
~Lots of improbable chase episodes later, including scary scenes involving the supposedly omnipotent Ringwraiths suddenly becoming as inept as local sheriffs in a Burt Reynolds "Good Ol Boy" movie, all the Good Guys arrive safely, just in the nick of time, by the skin of their teeth and the length of their short hairs, at The Last Homo House, Rivendell, tucked away in a verdant valley safely out of the clutches of any Evil.
Ahhh, Rivendell!! There resides Python Halfelven, a strange wise dude of mixed blood who goes back to the early mists of time, meaning even before cable porn. Python has a serious hottie for a daughter and all the nymphs he can handle, yet he's always deeply troubled. He's got big scores to settle, an out of control prostate gland and even bigger things on his mind...A REALLY big summit, The Council Of Python, has been convened at Rivendell, in between the College Bowl Season and the NFL playoffs...
The Council Of Python
Python: "Hear yea, hear yea, we are gathered here....Awww, shit. Look, LSU won a major bowl game for the first time in forever and my house here is safe and I'm immortal so try as I might I really can't work up all that much concern over all this 'The Ring has surfaced and now Euro is going to plaster all our asses!' bullcrap. So, you people have probably all been wondering who the old dude with the pointy hat and long beard is, right? Dumbasses, he's a Wizard, what else could he be? He knows pretty much everything, and what he doesn't know, well, he's a killer guesser. He goes by the name of Vandalf and I'm going to turn the floor over to him. Keep your applause down to a dull roar, if you would...."
~deafening sound of crickets chirping~
Vandalf-"Alrighty then. Py, you suck. Just know that. People, listen up. You know all those little ugly fucker orcs and goblins and such running all over the place lately? Euroclone The Dark Gaylord is responsible for those. He hates anything Good or Niiiiiiice. If he gets his way he'll turn all your neighborhoods into Compton, or Sheffield. He'll eat you. He'll make you work really crappy jobs and keep all the hotties to himself, leaving you only fat chicks with multiple tattooes and intense desires to have their feet rubbed. We don't want that. We want to prevent that.
Here's the sucky part. He made a really cool Ring a long time ago that he lost. If he ever gets it back he'll be able to plunger each and every one of us. We're about to go to war to make sure he doesn't get that Ring. Problem here, however, is that we ain't dick compared to his evil might. All we can hope to do is get rid of the ring before he gets ahold of it. We can only get rid of the ring by dropping it into the big ass crack in Mt OroficeRuin, which is in his own crib. If we get rid of the ring he loses all his power and we can go back to watching football instead of soccer. We can't beat him in straight up battle so we need to use stealth. He's got those nine Ringwraiths, so I'm saying we grab nine of us to pit against his Nine.
Any volunteers?"
~more crickets chirping, interspersed with the sound of Py eating pork rinds and throwing his crusty Kleenex into his "Pron Receptacle"~
Vandalf-"Fine then. Pussies. I'm going to explain to y'all who y'all are here, since most of you haven't met. Representing Man, we've got two people here. The tall ethereal one who looks like Viggo Mortensen, he's so fucking important you couldn't even begin to fathom it so I won't even bother trying to explain who he is or what that broken sword of his portends. His name is Catfish."
Catfish tips his hat, and adjusts himself none too discretely as he eyes Py's daughter with all the subtlety of Terrance In Sierra Madre looking at a plate of ribs. "Wassup, people. Don't fuck with me. You have no idea who I am."
Vandalf-"That tall, mean looking dude over there, the one who keeps eyeing Catfish jealously? That's Filthy. Filthy is a Warrior with a Big Horn and deception in his lust filled heart. But he's a bitchin fighter."
Filthy lets loose on his horn, shattering all the incredible stained glass windows in Py's house. Py immediately nods to an assistant, who proceeds to shoot Filthy straight in the dick with an elven arrow. Filthy giggles, pulls the arrow out and says, "Mind what Vandalf said. I'm a bitchin warrior. Not much bothers me."
Vandalf-"Hey Filthy, can the horn blowing or else I'll turn you into the last tampon in yonder convent. Okay, people, see that tall, sharp eyed effeminate guy with long hair and a bow? That's Terpy. He represents the Elves. He'll never die of natural causes. He can see like a bastard and he shoots that arrow so well that he makes William Tell look like the stupid redneck in that The Three Kings movie. He's mighty useful, and, well, his dad is also King of yonder forest."
Terpy stands, reaches into his quiver, draws forth a sylvan arrow and fires. Nobody knows what he was aiming at, until a chain reaction of breaking limbs and boughs results in a perfect ottoman landing right beneath his feet as he sits back down. "Hey, it's been a long hike and I'm used to living in trees. My feet were tired, and it didn't look like Py was going to offer me any foot support. How y'all doing?"
Vandalf-"Terpy, you're such an asswipe. Moving on...That grumpy guy over there, the one who keeps chipping away at Py's beautiful four thousand year old mahogany coffee table with his giant scimitar? That's Zy, and he's here representing the dwarves."
Zy stands up and says, "Aye, you think this here axe o' mine is huge, just let me loose me britches here and..."
~Vandalf immediately takes preemptive action by directing his wooden wizard's staff towards Zy. Out shoots a stream of Afro American termites looking exactly like The Dame heading straight for Zy's cod piece covered package all crying "Zy's boys! Zy's boys!! Eat!! EAT!!!!"....Zy, chastened and thoughtful, sits back down, stroking his chin with his blade.~
Python, bored with the lack of flesh being shown by the tv weather girl, suddenly interjects, "Hey Vandalf, by my reckoning I've got you, two men, an elf and a dwarf. That's only five of you, and nary a flamer amongst you. How are you going to deal with Euroclone The Dark Gaylord and his NINE Ringwraiths with only five of you, and none of your five even like the hairy booty?"
~huddling over in the corner playing Crazy Eights and sipping black berry tea and trying as hard as possible to not be noticed sit Valvenis, the Nobbit who brought the stupid Ring to Rivendell in the first place, and his trusty manservant, Peehole. Peehole cannot abide being away from Valvenis for even one commode visit. He is the quintessential trusty manservant. Also huddling with Valvenis and Peehole are two younger, simpler Nobbits, Cuda and Warren. When the young Nobbits feel the eyes of these Great People suddenly upon them Cuda is struck by a sudden fit of panic, which results in his farting forth a trickle of Warren marmalade.~
Vandalf-"Py, what about these guys? Valvenis got us into this mess in the first place. We know Valvenis has to go. It was a prophecy, or some shit. Besides, there's a giant flaming crack in Mt OroficeRuin and you KNOW Valvenis couldn't stay away from such a place even if Elizabeth Hurley were lying in front of him buck naked and spread eagled with Super Bowl tickets and a wad of cash thick enough to choke a horse stuffed in her neatly trimmed gash. So, Valvenis makes number six. The only way we could keep Peehole here once Valvenis left would be to remove Valvenis's testicles and leave 'em here. Valvenis would never consent to travel without his little bag o' Raisinettes, so that means Peehole has to go too. What the hell, do we even want Cuda and Warren hanging around here like a couple of homesick meth addicts, pining away for their long lost Raisinettes? Seems to me that with these four Nobbits we've got our Nine to go up against Euro's Nine, and we've got that ass piracy angle covered as well."
Py-"Wha? Huh? Oh, sorry, that Lisa Guerrero on Fox News is HOT!! Yeah, sure, fine, sounds good to me. You got your Nine picked out. I'll call IB over in Lothlorien to give her a heads up that you tards might be passing through her way. Mrs Py packed you some salami and Cheeze Its, you should be good to go. Later...."
to be continued, maybe....
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Didn't we know? Didn't we feel it?
Time, it seemed to stop outside our window...As we ran down the freeway, to be free.....of everthing...
[This message has been edited by Van [down by the river] (edited January 16, 2002).]
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If I don't get to play Legolas or gollum, I'm going to be pissed.
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I'll just play Leonard Nimoy and sing the song about Bilbo's character. That's about the extent of my knowledge of LOTR.
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The Dude abides.
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Rog, sit up and pay attention in class! Terpy is Legolas! You know, the Elf??
I seriously considered having you be Elrond though. Ultimately, the movie version of Elrond was so bored and unaffected that it had to be Python. If this thing goes on, you're in it, definitely. Are you sure you want Gollum though? He barely speaks in the entire Trilogy. He starred in The Hobbit, and we're already past that....
I've got just the guy for you.....
(Smackie, I think it's safe to say by anybody who read that first installment that what I'm doing here bears very little resemblance to LOTR!! Hopefully with the little bit of background I'm providing this story is easy enough to "get" on its own, even for those with no knowledge of Tolkien....)
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Didn't we know? Didn't we feel it?
Time, it seemed to stop outside our window...As we ran down the freeway, to be free.....of everthing...
[This message has been edited by Van [down by the river] (edited January 16, 2002).]
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(THE announcer, sotto voce: "...we've secretly replaced Van's regular vicodin prescription with new Smacker's Choice...")
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"If there's anything worse than someone who doesn't think before they hit SUBMIT, it's a self-propping hypocrite who cares more about image than what's truly on their mind." - Lion
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I know jack shit about LOTR but that was hysterical. Keep it up.
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This is just a blue pill. Lighten up.
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Smurfs could play hobbits rather well don't ya think Van?
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Don't blame me, I only do what my rice krispies tell me to.
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I don't know where the other ones were, but Tommy squeezed 4 or 5 degrees out of the one in the front...
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<A HREF="http://160.79.129.225/waves/10110/fart3112.wav" TARGET=_blank>Click on this for what I really think of you!
</A>
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I guess vicodin does have hallucinagenic qualities. Can you see a person's aura, yet, Van?
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It's not like you to be so stupid ... Try harder next time.
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can i be the MOTH that gives Gandalph a heads up to jump on the giant hawk
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look at all these fags lobbying to be in the story. Get a life losers!
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Here's a cornut... wait, gimme that back!
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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Miss Cornuts:
look at all these fags lobbying to be in the story. Get a life losers!
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>
Somebody's pussy has a Pontiac in it!!!
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<A HREF="http://160.79.129.225/waves/10110/fart3112.wav" TARGET=_blank>Click on this for what I really think of you!
</A>
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I have to admit...I was a little concerned when I took one in the Crank.
Seems to have turned out all right so far... http://www.hostboard.com/forums/
L8.
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Tee Hee!
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"My English Grammar Comes Down Like A Hammer"
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Amazing what prescription medication does to the creative juices...
BTW, recall that it is mandated that Py be knocked off by the third frigging scene!
http://www.hostboard.com/forums/
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JUST RACK ME!
~swoosh!~
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Doc, it's going to be tough to kill off Python considering the fact that he's playing Elrond, an immortal who rules basically everything and therefor never has to be involved in any fighting.
Maybe I should just employ a little creative license and change the story around and pull a South Park, with Py being Kenny?
The third act, Py always dies in any Smack Chat drama-spoof? That's been the rule with Py so far? Hmmmmm, that's a worthy tradition and one I'd be loathe to break. Because it's the esteemed Dr Bob making the request it will receive all due consideration....
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Didn't we know? Didn't we feel it?
Time, it seemed to stop outside our window...As we ran down the freeway, to be free.....of everthing...
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Since Vandalf is telling the story ... and that character dies half way through ... How will we know how it ends?
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It's not like you to be so stupid ... Try harder next time.
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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Van [down by the river]:
Doc, it's going to be tough to kill off Python considering the fact that he's playing Elrond, an immortal who rules basically everything <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>
Another example of art imitating life.
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This is just a blue pill. Lighten up.
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~As we pick up our story the Nine travelers are set to depart Rivendell. In the usual manner befitting a House of such Lore and Lineage the Lord Of The House, Python, saw each guest off in the finest tear jerking manner. In other words, he deigned to shift in his opulent Barca Porn Lounger, whereby he lifted the armrest and withdrew another beer before shifting in his seat and boofing into the abused seat of his poor noble recliner. He did grunt a distracted, "Oh! Leaving? Watch the plants on the way out..."
Mrs Py, unmanacled at Py's behest in order to see the guests off properly on such a momentous occasion, spoke first to Valvenis, the Ring Bearer. To him she offered a fine coat of Elven fashioned woven steel rings called Mithril, which unfortunately was meant for someone bigger than two feet tall. Poor Valvenis looked like a poncey R2D2. She offered to him also "Shlong", a pissy no account elven knife that to little Valvenis was a great big badass sword. Val looked at "Shlong" and immediately got harder than all the chili dogs compacting John Goodman's lower intestine.
To Peehole, Valvenis's faithful manservant, Mrs Py knew better than to waste formed sentences and such. She merely patted him on the head and bestowed upon him two gifts, the first being a box of cooking utensils and the second being an oversized satchel of water soluble suppositories. Mrs Py was known far and wide for being Wise.
Next, to Filthy The Tall strode Mrs Py. She immediately realized her mistake of forgetting to wear more than her night raiments to such a public gathering when Filthy's rather obvious OTHER "Big Horn" made itself known! Mrs Py leaned into Filthy, taking care to make it look like she was keeping a proper distance between herself and Lil' Filthy ('sha, right!), and as she whispered words of encouragement into his disgustingly hairy ear few marked her dropping of her phone number down into Filthy's leather jerkin.
Next in line was Zy, furiously swinging his axe in wide circles for no apparent reason. "Got me some Red Bull!", was his response, so the minstrels sing, passed down from generation to generation. As Mrs Py approached, Zy's axe stroke struck a little too close for comfort, ripping off the lower portion of her Elven nightie, revealing a green beaver trimmed into the words "Gaux Tigers!" After accepting the futility of trying to protect her modesty Mrs Py merely kissed Zy's cheek and said, "Ass. Go forth, and kick lots of it, for me." At that moment in time, the former ocean's deep gulf of distrust and enmity seperating elves and dwarves was bridged forever, as Zy forthwith declared both his (and of course his boys') undying love for all Elven women with green trimmed beavs.
To Terpy The Elf next strode Mrs Py. These two were well acquainted, as Mrs Py was a big hockey fan and when Py was feeling extra benevolent he occasionally allowed the Mrs to watch college hockey telecasts. "I've seen what you and your big limber hockey butt can do with a goalie stick, now let's go see you drill some Orc scrote with that bow of yours....." Mrs Py unnecessarily purred into Terpy's pointy ear. I say "unnecessarily", because while Mrs Py was shamelessly whoring herself to Terpy she needn't have bothered, for as it happened Brian Boitano was doing a triple lutz on Py's big screen and neither hell nor the coming of Euro himself could distract Terpy from the vexing vision of Boitano's flexing butticles. Unbeknownst to Mrs Py, Terpy was thusly inclined. Remembering his manners, however, Terpy lowered his voice as best as he could in an attempt to sound like Shaft and replied, "I will go forth and put a serious Elven ass whoopin' on all who stand between us and our goal!"
(At this comment, Zy The Badass Warrior Dwarf could not restrain himself from guffawing, and Vandalf bopped him one...)
Over to Cuda and Warren slithered Mrs Py, and their meeting was short lived. See, they weren't paying attention to any of the proceedings. They were busy playing a game of their own deviant concoction called "Strip D&D", and it seemed Cuda had the upper hand. When the beautific Mrs Py appeared before them they both inexplicably shot their loads and scurried under the redwood deck in utter shame and embarrassment. Oddly enough, however, considering how embarrased they SHOULD'VE been, from beneath the deck there was heard by sharp elven ears little giggles and Warren's voice saying "That was so cool! That one load arched up and got me right in the eye!" Mrs Py, thoroughly nonplussed, moved on...
On to Catfish she strode. Unbeknownst to all but Py and Mrs Py, Catfish was betroathed to their hottielicious daughter, Liv Tyler. A lot of really mythical and important shit was going to have to happen first before Cat was to be allowed anywhere near Liv's sacred kitty, but there was a palbable feeling of "Oooooh, I'm gonna hammer your daughter till she sings to me in German!" passing wordlessly from Catfish to Mrs Py. "Wish it were me you were planning on pillaging, instead...." offered Mrs Py to Catfish, equally wordlessly, as Py again shifted in his Barca Boofer in order to let everone "enjoy" his next rippling winner off the naugahyde...
Lastly, Mrs Py fairly sauntered over to Vandalf, who'd up until then been commiserating with Zy The Dwarf about his bad manners over laughing at Terpy being so "hard"...
To Vandalf Mrs Py said, "Please, take me with you! I hate beer! I hate farting! LSU will never win dick and until they do that sick fuck is the meanest bastard to live with you could ever imagine! Look at me! He made me shave my bush into, into, well, you saw!"
As if on cue, "Geax Tigers! Yeeeehaw!!", came resonating out from Py's den...
"Look, Mrs Py, You know we can't take you with us. There can be only Nine, and you'd make for ten. Plus, you'd be the only woman there and there's no way in hell I'm going to be responsible for having instigated a nightly inter species gangbang! Besides, if you've been following along in this thread you'd see where Dr Bob points out the tradition that says Py won't make it through the next installment, so just bide your time and hold your horses, you may be free of his flatulent tyranny yet..."
"Oh Vandalf! Oh Dr Bob! May the Blessings Of This House be upon you and this journey!"
And with those final parting words the Nine solemnly passed through the secret gates of the Last Homo House and they headed out of the Valley Of Rivendell, and into the wild world beyond......
~to be continued..~
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Didn't we know? Didn't we feel it?
Time, it seemed to stop outside our window...As we ran down the freeway, to be free.....of everthing...
[This message has been edited by Van [down by the river] (edited January 17, 2002).]
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I don't like where this is heading.
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This is just a blue pill. Lighten up.
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euroclone:
I just saw one of your Subuteo (is that how you spell it?) players that was wearing a tube top...what up with that??
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You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for later in life.
-- Emo Phillips
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Van, grab yourself an extra large bag of racks out of the bin there.
And why was just about everybody in that movie smoking weed?
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WARREN: Well crackfish then go ahead and move on to the nation that does a better job of "legaslating."
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Quaker doesn't seem to have a great grasp of where to situate his posts in order to maximize his chances of having the person he's addressing actually see said post.
Sincerely, a rarely flummoxed Marcus Allen.
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Didn't we know? Didn't we feel it?
Time, it seemed to stop outside our window...As we ran down the freeway, to be free.....of everthing...
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An excellent work in progress sure to end up in the archives!
RACK you Van!
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Don't blame me, I only do what my rice krispies tell me to.
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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Catfish:
And why was just about everybody in that movie smoking weed?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>
Bad frost wiped out Oz's poppy crop, and no one could afford what was left except the dwarves -- why do you think Moira was really overrun?
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"If there's anything worse than someone who doesn't think before they hit SUBMIT, it's a self-propping hypocrite who cares more about image than what's truly on their mind." - Lion
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~A few weeks had passed since The Nine departed Rivendell to set out at last on their journey. In the interim Mrs Py avoided going back into the house, busying herself with gardening and thoughts of a new life. Being a High Elf she was able to subsist on the bounty of her garden and a tin of Junior Mints she'd buried in her shroom garden. She also avoided going back into the house for the simple reason that she knew Py would never rouse himself from the Barca Boofer long enough to go find her and chain her up again.
"Out of sight, out of mind, and all that..." she reasoned.
In reality, the main reason she avoided reentering her home was that the one and only time she'd noticed any activity at all in the house in the past fortnight was when Py'd sent out for KFC, with all the fixins.
"The House Of Methane", she'd come to derisively dub her beautiful abode.
Finally it came to pass that one sunny morn her reverie was disturbed by the belching fumes and mechanical cacophony of an enormous moving van rumbling up her driveway. Her curiosity getting the best of her, she went inside to "check out the haps."
Bitch wished she hadn't, lordy, lordy!
The house was mostly empty, bereft of any evidence of anyone having lived there lo these thousands of years. Empty, except for one item: Her ornate vanity, conspicuously sitting in the middle of the great room. Upon the vanity there was an envelope, smeared with gravy (or pepperoni grease, historians have yet to come to final agreement upon this compelling point of contention.).~
(WARNING! WARNING!! The Editor is in the midst of engaging in a cheesy balancing act of attempting to honor Dr Bob's "Python must die in the third act of any Smack Chat drama!" tradition while also remaining true to the destiny of Elrond, errr, Python, according to Tolkien and the Editor's own personal wishes...)
~Anyway, this is what the letter said....~
"Hey, Ho!
I can't believe how big of a dumbass you are!!! I AM an Elven King, ya know!! Didn't you pay ANY attention in school? What are Elves known for, Slunt? Well, among other things, KILLER HEARING!!!
What, you think I didn't hear you coming on to Filthy? You think I didn't hear you ask Vandalf to take you with them? You think I didn't hear Vandalf throw that bone to you about Dr Bob's little fucker "We gotta kill Py, the third act is coming up!" rule?
Hell, woman, look around! LSU might finally be on to something! We're even getting a half way decent NBA franchise next year and I don't mind telling you that I find that Baron Davis kinda dreamy! You think I'm going to go "Kenny" from "South Park" now??
Well, since you obviously didn't pay attention in Elf School let me clue you in to something else about the Elves. We don't die, ever. At least not from natural causes, anyway. We live basically forever here in Middle Turd, until finally we receive the summons from Cirdan The Shipwright that it's time to toodle on down to his place at The Grey Havens, where he then ferries us acrosss the Western Seas to Valinor, a place where nothing and nobody can touch us and we go on to live free of care forever.
As you know, Cirdan's my boy, in the Zy sense. As such, he's let me know that he's gone an awful long time without any High Elf stank, and he's getting pretty much tired of rubbing one out to "Celebrity Sleuth" pics of Shakira and Joan Of Arc. I let Cirdan know of my treacherous bitch wife's plans to knock me off, in conjunction with that insane gynocologist, Dr Bob.
We decided to bend the rules a little bit, to help each other out.
Here's what's going to happen. In exchange for letting me get to Valinor WAY earlier than I was scheduled to, and thus cheating the "Kill Py In The Third Act" bullcrap while still placating the murderously diabolical Dr Bob, I've agreed to let Cirdan have you as his own personal Lighthouse Ho!
By the time you're reading this I'll already by lying on a beach in Valinor, eating jalapeno poppers and sucking Jim Beam from the nubile belly button of a cajun co-ed I smuggled over with me while you were out in that fucking garden stuffing your piehole with Junior Mints and shrooms.
Also, the fact that you're reading this means that big ol' Guido Halfelven is about to grab you..................NOW!!!"
Too late, Mrs Py attempted to duck and run. Guido quickly threw one of those Shiite Muslim looking terrorist hoods over her head and then he bound her feet and hands and unceremoniously dumped her as if she were a sack of Idaho's Finest in the back of the van. Inscribed on the moving van's flanks was "Grey Havens Shipping", which the shitfaced on shrooms Mrs Py had unfortunately missed as it rumbled past her, or else she would've high tailed it outta there like a banshee...
~Thusly did occur the most unexpected (and convenient) of endings concerning the saga of Python, Last of The Eldar, Most Beloved Of Iluvitar's First Children, The One Who Was There When Isuldur's Bane Gained Its Accursed Name.......... Man, Python was even Liv Tyler's pops!! Python Halfelven, one of the three Great Ringbearers, ended up spending all blissful eternity wearing a straw hat beneath a cabana on a white sandy Valinor beach, debauching himself with beer from a can and cajun cheerleaders. Into the shadowy mists of legend, indeed.~
"Mister Valvenis, all this manly hiking has done wonders for the fair form of your pert behind!", gushed Peehole his manservant, as the Nine traversed yet another verdant valley, now weeks removed from resplendent Rivendell.
"Fucking brown noser!", spat Cuda to Warren, "How come Peehole always gets to follow right behind Valvenis?"
"Silence, you pathetic Jezebels!", hissed Vandalf! "Can you not feel the change in the wind in this valley? Even the stones mark our passing, as if we're being watched. Warren, have you not noticed ANYTHING different recently?"
"Pardon me, Mr Vandalf, but no, the only thing I've noticed is Cuda still has me underpants feeling all squishy from this morning! Tee hee!"
"Those little worthless Nobbit balls of spoo are going to be the death of us all, aye, mark my words!", sneered Zy The Dwarf. "Something is queer here, and I don't just mean these four little reach arounds. We're not welcome here. There is evil here."
"Zy, yes, you and Vandalf are correct.", said Terpy The Elf. "Our passing is being marked, and with no welcome. The trees here have no love for us, and there's a murmuring in the forest. Something dark here is afoot....."
"So, I am correct!", whispered Filthy. "I have travelled far, and in these woods I'm sensing something unfamiliar. It's as if there are spies afoot, even amongst the animals. Strange animals, of a kind I've not seen."
"Not all are so difficult to discern", said Vandalf. "Catfish, have you noticed what I've noticed, starting a week's march from Rivendell?"
"Yes, I have", said Catfish. "The little bugger somehow escaped! He's been tracking us for a fortnight now, flitting from tree to tree, creeping close sometimes, his enormous bulging eyes visible only in the night. I knew you knew he was following us, and so I've kept my silence, watching. My vigilance will not fail."
"Who are they talking about, Mister Valvenis?", asked Peehole, fear creepeing into his simple heart.
"No idea, but how's about we switch places now. I wanna watch you walk now!"
"Mister Valvenis, you flatter me!"
"Shhhhhhhh!!", snapped Vandalf. "Did you hear that, Terpy?"
"Yes", said Terpy the sharp eared Elf, "'Precioussssssssssss, my presciousssssssssss....', clear as a starry night. Fucking Inkydave is near."
"Yes, our old friend Inky has been following us. He will not aproach in broad daylight, but mind you watch yourself at night. He's very stealthy and his hatred of Valvenis knows no bounds. He will not give up until he gets back his 'precious'. Our night guard will be redoubled."
"We have Filthy and Catfish here, two Great Warriors. Terpy here could shoot the raisin out of a squirrel's turd from 1000 yards away. Why not just capture Inky and throttle him?", asked Zy.
"Do not be so quick to condemn, Zy", said Vandalf, "I know not Inky's ultimate fate but my heart tells me that he still has some role to play before all is done. We'll keep an eye on him, but unless he really makes a complete ass out of himself we shall not kill him."
The group watched as Vandalf stooped atop a log, seemingly for hours, dead silent, deep in thought. Finally, Filthy could take it no more.
"Vandalf, what is it? You seem troubled. Yet I sense Inky is not what's causing you such pause."
"Verily, you are correct", replied Vandalf, "There is something darker here than Inky's presence. These woods are being watched, by enemies. That we've all sensed. Yet Euro knows not yet of our journey. There are watchers here not of his bidding, watchers strange to me. They report not to Euro."
"Then my ears have not deceived me," said Terpy, "There are spies here, and not just curious watchers. Who are they, Vandalf? To whom do they report our passing?"
Vandalf whispered, "I wasn't sure, until just last night. My worst fears, come to fruition. While sitting atop yon precipice, deep in thought, I caught it. I heard strange mutterings in the wind. 'He traced their IP addys. Master's personally spoken to 54 of them by phone! He's on to them, he knows who's whose trolls!', I heard the wind gloat!"
"Shrubberman! Shrubberman The White!", cried The Nobbits!
"Yes", Vandalf said, "It is Shrubberman whose evil here we feel. Shrubberman, the Leader of my Council, Master of Ring Lore and long a bulwark in staving off the dark designs of Euro. It has been greatly through the wisdom and craft of Shrubberman that Euro has been contained. I say 'contained', because with Euro you can't stop him, you can only hope to contain him..........Bwaaaahaaaaaa!!"
~Terpy immediately shoots an arrow through Vandalf's pointy hat in response to Vandalf's lame "Sportscenter" quip.~
"Okay, sorry about that, couldn't help myself. Anyway, long I've trusted to my friend and mentor, Shrubberman The White. It seems his fascination with The Dark Arts has finally ensnared him. His love of Board Intrigue was Euro's "in" with Shrubberman. To Shrubberman Euro gave a Palantir, a looking glass stone through which Shrubberman can view glimpses of Euro's plans (or at least that which Euro wishes Shrubberman to see, whether it be true or not), as well as the IP addys and identities of all of us on the Middle Turd Smack boards. Shrubberman, our former greatest strength in fighting evil, has now gone to the dark side, and it is his spies who are watching us in this forest. I fear we are no longer safe here, so....."
~At that exact moment all hell broke loose in the forest, as well as in the mountains above. The two Stone Monsters, Index and Dr Detroit, began their nightly ritual of lobbing giant boulders at each other, back and forth across the mountains, crumbling to smithereens anything in their path of destruction. For centuries these two giants have stood opposite each other astride a Sisyphian mountain of petty ideological differences, and the valley beneath them as well as the nearby mountains all bore the scars of their battles. There was a televised congressional hearing on Affirmative Action that particular evening, and the two stone monoliths were bent on utter destruction this night. The Nine were, in a word, fucked.~
"Quick! Into yonder cave!", cried Vandalf, "We'll be crushed if we tarry any longer outside! To the cave, now!"
~A few hours later the orgy of destruction finally ceased...Vandalf left the cave to see what he could see, and he called the group outside.~
"Okay, those two shitheads just ruined any chance of continuing on in the direction we were heading."
"Which is where?", asked Filthy, "You've never said where we were heading from here."
"My plan", said Vandalf, "was to at the very least head to Lothlorien."
"Lothlorien! Yes!", cried Terpy the Elf.
"Yes, Terpy, to Lothlorien. The Magical Elven Forest, untouched by evil, protected by the Wisdom, Strength And Terrible Unrelenting Power Of Pure Contrianism wielded by the Elven Queen, Innocent Bystander. There we shall assuredly gain council. Endless council. Council, until our collective hair hurts. We now have two choices. Either we try to climb over and through this mess surrounding us and risk having Index and Dr Detroit shit on us again, as well as the risk of being out in the open here, exposed to Shrubberman's evil, or we choose that darker path of which I've only briefly spoken to a few."
At the mention of this other path, Catfish looked up suddenly at Vandalf, concern in his eyes. Zy the Dwarf got a raging hard on, instantly.
"Vandalf, we must not choose the other path. Your peril is too great.", said Catfish.
"Where are they talking about?", whispered Warren to Cuda.
"Moria!! MORIA!! The Sacred Land Of My Boys!", cried Zy!
"Catfish, though I did wish to avoid Moria I fear the choice has been taken from me. The Ringbearer must choose our path."
"What's the big deal about Moria?", asked Valvenis, as all eyes turned to him.
"It is the home of my boys, a wonderland of unparalleled stone work and great magic. I once hung out with Dexter Manley there. He's got huge hands!", said Zy, his chest puffing visibly.
"More to the point, Valvenis," said Vandalf, "it was long ago destroyed and it's now nothing but a shithole of dark oozing tunnels and cavernous holes, populated by ass goblins galore. There is only one entrance, and really it was meant more as an exit than an entrance. It's dark and hidden and shrouded in hair like firn."
"Lemme get this straight," enthused Valvenis, "my choice is between passing through a battle between Index and Dr Detroit or squeezing into a dark, furry shithole leading to oozing dark tunnels and cavernous, gaping pits, and there are lots of ass goblins? Well, spank my monkey and call me Abu! Peehole, grab my bowling shoes, we're heading to Moria! Oh MAMA!!"
"Warren, didja hear that? Ass goblins!", squeeled Cuda.
"Valvenis rocks!", burped Warren.
"Moria it is! So hath chosen the Ringbearer!", intoned Vandalf, with feigned bravado.
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"Moria. Fuck.", thought Vandalf to himself. "Of all the places, why Moria? Why now? I fear I am not yet ready for such a trial."
Catfish, however, knew of Vandalf's peril and could in this instance read his thoughts. Catfish echoed those thoughts. "It had to be dark, oozing holes, didn't it? It always comes back to that shit with you. Because of your being such an unmitigated homosexual we might lose Vandalf, and for what? So you can go play with ass goblins, that's for what. Valvenis, you're such a fag........"
~to be continued...~
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Didn't we know? Didn't we feel it?
Time, it seemed to stop outside our window...As we ran down the freeway, to be free.....of everthing...
[This message has been edited by Van [down by the river] (edited January 19, 2002).]
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Gotta RACK this...
Even though I know I'm going to end up with more arrows sticking out of me...than Jimmah or Skilla have had cocks sticking into them...(well...maybe not... http://www.hostboard.com/forums/)...it deserves a humongous...
RACK!
L8.
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Something concerns me. Not one mention of the wizard-turned-evil ... the one that made Vandalf do the Curly Shuffle on the marble floor. That dude's getting jobbed.
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It's not like you to be so stupid ... Try harder next time.
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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by OmegaVerb:
Something concerns me. Not one mention of the wizard-turned-evil ... the one that made Vandalf do the Curly Shuffle on the marble floor. That dude's getting jobbed.
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>
It's Rog...he's Saruman the White...
L8.
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I will RACK this because I am a blatant publicity whore. However, it would have been nice not to be an elf with homosexual tendencies. Seriously...an elf! How humiliating. http://www.hostboard.com/forums/
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Fear the Turtle.
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As long as I get to kill everyone, keep it up VAN!
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Originally posted by indexhb:
Zyclone,I'd love to meet you face to face...man to punk.
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Terpy, take this as you will but it came down to either you, Pogue or OV to be Legolas. That's not bad company you're running with there, young'un...
(And remember that earlier in this thread OV himself asked to be Legolas. Problem was, I'd already posted the first section with you as Legolas.)
And if it'll make you feel better, while it's true you might be differently "inclined" in this here story Legolas is 100% one mean mofo.
He's a High Elf and the son of his forest's King, he's immortal, he's tall, he has no sign of dumpy hockey butt, chicks dig him immensely, he's smarter than shit and he's an absolutely deadly warrior.
The movie made him out to be a bit of a pansy, except for when he was shooting bad guys mercilessly left and right in Moria, but believe me, your character is ENORMOUS, and quite the bad ass. He wouldn't have been representing the Elves at the Council Of Python if he weren't...
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Didn't we know? Didn't we feel it?
Time, it seemed to stop outside our window...As we ran down the freeway, to be free.....of everthing...
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Zy, you needn't worry. I believe you among the entire cast of characters will prove to be the best casting job, and we all know how things went for Gimli....
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Didn't we know? Didn't we feel it?
Time, it seemed to stop outside our window...As we ran down the freeway, to be free.....of everthing...
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Van,
Since you found a way to kill Py off...when he's not supposed to die.
Is there any way I can get you to take it a little easy on me...I know the story Van...I'm scared shitless of arrows.
But,
If it comes down to either Arrows...or some twisted homosmack way of killing me.
The you just go ahead and pull the string back on that bow brah... http://www.hostboard.com/forums/
L8.
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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Filthy McNastie:
Van,
Since you found a way to kill Py off...when he's not supposed to die.
Dude, no, that's just it! I REFUSED to KILL Py! I booted him from the story in the third act, altogether prematurely, in order to appease The Smack Gods, but I didn't and wouldn't KILL him! I'm......flexible.
Is there any way I can get you to take it a little easy on me...I know the story Van...I'm scared shitless of arrows.
Well, yeah, sure there is!
But,
If it comes down to either Arrows...or some twisted homosmack way of killing me.
Shit. (Note to self: scratch that idea.) http://www.hostboard.com/forums/
The you just go ahead and pull the string back on that bow brah... http://www.hostboard.com/forums/
L8.
Filthy, man, I have no idea where I'm going with any of this, almost up until I write it. I get the barest of ideas about one little Tolkien episode and then I build around it. I have Galadriel coming up in the next one, only in an IB-style cross examination of everybody. That's sort of buzzing around in my head as the main feature of the next installment but other than that I have no idea how hard and fast I'll stick to the story. For all I know, I might transmogrify everything and everybody before all is said and done. So, buck up, there might be hope for your avoiding an arrow in your ass yet!
Then again, you already took an arrow point blank in the crank from Terpy and laughed it off like it was no big thang, so your character seems like he might just be up for anything...<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>
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Didn't we know? Didn't we feel it?
Time, it seemed to stop outside our window...As we ran down the freeway, to be free.....of everthing...
[This message has been edited by Van [down by the river] (edited January 20, 2002).]
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Van- this stuff is worthy of being on a "Dead AleWives" album man. Rack it. Hey, can I be that homely kid that flies around on brooms with the scarf and the big round glasses? He's like, the main dude that wins everybody right?
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R.C., comparing this to that Harry Potter tripe??!! Fuck you so hard! http://www.hostboard.com/forums/
What are "Dead Ale Wives" albums, anyway?
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Didn't we know? Didn't we feel it?
Time, it seemed to stop outside our window...As we ran down the freeway, to be free.....of everthing...
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chill brah. Just a funny aimed at the dumbasses who get the 2 movies confused. The Dead alewives were this obscure comedy troupe that used to parody dungeon & dragons gamers, cheesy fantasy books and the like. Recorded some albums. Got played on Dr. Demento. Not worth worrying about.
So..uh..are you and vito still loading up the Bonneville full of gas cans with rags hanging out of them for your Oakland freeway tour?
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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by R.C. Collins:
So..uh..are you and vito still loading up the Bonneville full of gas cans with rags hanging out of them for your Oakland freeway tour?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>
I don't have any idea what you're referencing with that but I'm LMMFAO at the image you're depicting anyway.....
Btw, R.C., this is not a made up fantasyland statement: At the midway point of the season the Sacrafuckingmento Kings have the best record in the entire NBA!!
Huh??? And they played half those games without their best player and they've been banged up throughout the rest of their lineup all throughout the season as well. And they match up pretty well with the Lakers, usually leading them until the fourth quarter of any game, before either crumbling or holding on. (Usually crumbling.) Still, this could get interesting this go around, especially with White Turnover no longer an ugly part of the equation.....
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Didn't we know? Didn't we feel it?
Time, it seemed to stop outside our window...As we ran down the freeway, to be free.....of everthing...
-
<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Van [down by the river]:
I don't have any idea what you're referencing with that but I'm LMMFAO at the image you're depicting anyway.....
You know, you & vito are gonna go knock over some store fronts and toss some molotovs after getting jobbed tonite in Chowdtown.
Btw, R.C., this is not a made up fantasyland statement: At the midway point of the season the Sacrafuckingmento Kings have the best record in the entire NBA!!
Yeah. Yeah. Lakers went 6-3 without Shaq too.
Huh??? And they played half those games without their best player and they've been banged up throughout the rest of their lineup all throughout the season as well.
Im telling you man, if the Kings were smart they would have pulled the trigger on any deal that jettisons Webber and brings in another quality 2 guard or forward or more. Do you see Bobby Jackson lasting at this pace until May? Cuz I sure as hell dont.
And they match up pretty well with the Lakers, usually leading them until the fourth quarter of any game, before either crumbling or holding on.
Maybe. But Id be hard-pressed to name any game in the last 6 contests that these 2 have played, where the Kings actually dictated the tempo of the game from start to finish. Did you watch the Lakers/Spurs game today? Same deal. Spurs almost looked ok until about 1:41 in the 3rd. Then, Kobe strapped one on and jammed it up their patoot.
Still, this could get interesting this go around, especially with White Turnover no longer an ugly part of the equation.....
Itll be interesting because: Predrag's game has improved, Bibby is a great weapon and huge improvement over Williams, Hedo has improved. But on the flip side: Kobe has improved. Kings have no answer for him last year or this year. Pollard/Vlade will have to be the sacrificial lambs for Shaq's poster shots again. Kings cant run a true zone D without disrupting their transition offense. Lakers have better spot up shooters to keep pace with the Kings in Richmond, Hunter and George. Hell, George has improved so much this year I could nearly shit kittens. We also have a legit stopgap/shotblocker at the PF in Sumaki Walker. Something we didnt have in Grant or AnCient Green last 2 seasons Horry has been stepping up his D & O as well. Gone are the days where Webber lights up the Lakers for 30+. Medvedenko is still a work in progress but improving.
Not looking for a sweep again obviously. But unless the Kings can somehow hold on to this Pacific lead by the slimmest of margins, my money's still on the Lake Show to take them down in 6 or less. And nobody has ripped the Lakers for their inconsistencies and poor bench play more than me.
Im sure Ill be the first guy on your list if you somehow manage to get playoff tix at Arco right? http://www.hostboard.com/forums/
[/B]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>
[This message has been edited by R.C. Collins (edited January 20, 2002).]