-
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his
attractive blond female
neighbour came out of the house and went straight to
the mailbox. She
opened it then slammed it shut stormed back in the
house.
A little later she came out of her house again went
to the mail box and
again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily,
back into the house she
went. As the man was getting ready to edge the
lawn, here she came out
again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then
slammed it closed
harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is
something wrong?" To which
she replied, "There certainly is!"
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > (are you ready? ... this is a beauty ...)
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
------------------
"put the bunny back in the box"
"In god we trust, Every bugger else pay's cash.
I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a f**k.
-
Blonds of the world UNTIE!
------------------
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING
MARRIED:
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings,
poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me,
"You're next." They stopped after I started doing
the same thing to them at funerals.
-
::sniffle:: it's so hard being an intelligent blonde. You have no idea what it's like.. not accepted in either world...
------------------
Freyja
"I'm Bi! Come one and all!" -- George, Paradise Kiss
I have paisley.
-
> Dear PC World:
> Eighteen months ago I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2>
> which I'd used for years without any trouble. However, there are
>
> apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was
> to
>
> try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters
>
> worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is also incompatible with several other
>
> applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 2 and Playboy 6.1.
>
> Successive versions of Girlfriend have proved no better. A shareware
>
> beta-programme, Party Girl 2.1 had many bugs and left a virus in my
>
> system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually I
>
>
> tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to
>
> discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused
>
> severe damage to all my hardware.
>
> Sensing a way out, I upgraded to Fianc?e 1.0
>
> only to discover that this product has to be upgraded to Wife 1.0. I did>
> this largely because, whilst Wife 1.0 uses up all available resources, it>
> does come bundled with freebies Plus and Cleanhouse 2000.
>
> However, I discovered that Wife 1.0 can be very unstable and costly to
> run.
>
> For example, any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's>
> memory and could not be deleted, they then re-surfaced months later.
>
> Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary Explorer and E-mail porn filter, and>
> can, without warning, launch Photostrop and Whingezip. These latter
>
> products have no helpfiles and require you to try and
>
> guess the problem yourself.
>
> Additional costly problems are that the Wife 1.0 bundle, that came with>
> the original system, needs updating regularly, requiring Shoe Shop Browser
>
>
> Pro for new attachments and Hairstyle Express needs to be reinstalled
>
> every other week. It also conflicted with some of the new games I wanted>
> to try, stating that they are an illegal operation.
>
> When Wife 1.0 attaches itself
>
> to my Nova programme it often crashes or runs the system dry. Wife 1.0
>
> also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-Law,
>
> which can't be turned off.
>
> Recently I've been tempted to try Mistress 2000, but there could be
>
> problems, if Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress 2000 it will delete
>
>
> all MS Money files before un-installing itself.
------------------
"put the bunny back in the box"
"In god we trust, Every bugger else pay's cash.
I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a f**k.
-
ROFLMAO!!!!!
S'funny cuz s'true!!!
------------------
The maverick heroine of STP land, avenger against those who would kick off with pretty women;
Hero to some, just another pretty face to others.
The cutest little lesbian.
THE Lesbian.
...Without love, we are never more than Strangers In Paradise.
"Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane
mittam. Utinam barbari spatium proprium tuum invadant!"
(I have a catapult. Give me all the money, or I will fling an enormous rock at your head. May barbarians invade your personal space!)
-
Ain't it though? http://www.hostboard.com/ubb/tongue.gif
------------------
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING
MARRIED:
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings,
poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me,
"You're next." They stopped after I started doing
the same thing to them at funerals.
-
Okay, not a joke per sey..
This is a true story (??) and was the first place winner in
the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
__________________________________________________ __
A Charlotte, N.C. lawyer purchased a box of very rare
and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire
(among other things).
Within a month, having smoked his entire stock-pile of
these great cigars, and not yet having made even his
first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer
filed a claim against the insurance company. In his
claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a
series of small fires."
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the
obvious reason: the man had consumed the cigars in the
normal fashion. The lawyer sued....and won!
In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the
insurance company that the claim was frivolous,
however, the judge stated that the lawyer held a
policy from the company in which it had warranted that
the cigars were insurable, and had guaranteed that
it would indeed insure them against fire, without
defining what is considered "unacceptable fire"-
and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than
endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the
insurance company accepted the ruling and paid
$15,000.00 to the lawyer for his incendiary bamboozle.
NOW FOR THE GOOD PART.............
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance
company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!!!
with HIS OWN INSURANCE CLAIM AND TESTIMONY FROM THE
PREVIOUS CASE BEING USED AGAINST HIM, THE LAWYER WAS
CONVICTED OF INTENTIONALLY BURNING HIS INSURED
PROPERTY AND SENTENCED HIM TO 24 MONTHS IN JAIL AND A
$24,000.00 FINE.
------------------
Member of the Branflakes Fan Club
Duct Tape is like the force:It has a light and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
"Kamikaze: You're awful. In a good way."-Branflakes
[This message has been deleted by Kamikaze (deleted February 02, 2002).]
-
D'OH!!!!
------------------
Thou Shall Not Spilleth Thy Beer
Enforcer for WiloeLeigh
Jely is my other sidekick
Ski and Tyledras are family.
If I'm right then I lose nothing nothing, if you're right I lose it all.
True friends stab you in the front
"You are such a whore."-Tyledras
"People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf."
George Orwell
-
Sure is http://www.hostboard.com/ubb/biggrin.gif
------------------
Miral's Slave
tyledras's Sidekick
Sanctuary for an Elf
I feel like I'm Han Solo, and you're Chewie, and she's Ben Kenobi, and we're in that fucked-up bar!
-
Oh now that is classic...who says the system is flawed?
------------------
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING
MARRIED:
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings,
poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me,
"You're next." They stopped after I started doing
the same thing to them at funerals.
-
Ah, the joys of the justice system. Now consider all the tax money spent for this little jaunt between the insurance co and the lawyer...
that kinda put a damper on things...
------------------
it's a long long road it's a big big world we are wise wise women we are giggling girls we both carry a smile to show when we're pleased both carry a switchblade in our sleeves--Ani Di Franco from "If He Tries Anything"
-
It's either this or our tax money goes to anothe $900 goverment toilet seat...
------------------
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING
MARRIED:
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings,
poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me,
"You're next." They stopped after I started doing
the same thing to them at funerals.
-
Hey I happen to like my $900 dollar toilet seat!
And my $600 Hammer
And my 3.5 Million dollar Tank
And my ......well you get the idea http://www.hostboard.com/ubb/wink.gif
------------------
Miral's Slave
tyledras's Sidekick
Sanctuary for an Elf
I feel like I'm Han Solo, and you're Chewie, and she's Ben Kenobi, and we're in that fucked-up bar!
[This message has been edited by Ski (edited February 03, 2002).]
-
Well what goes around, comes around http://www.hostboard.com/ubb/smile.gif
My contribution:
Why republican affairs are less sexy then democratic ones:
I did not have financial relations with that company, Enron
------------------
The hammer of Thor quotes:
Yeah I'm pretty happy
Living in my own sweet time
I'm pretty happy
And I don't need your virus of the mind
Heather Nova -Virus of the mind
-
<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Arial, Verdana">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by La Luna Unita:
And this one is to be said in a loud, clear voice in a crowded room, just as a lull begins: "Yeah, so then I decided I'd get my TESTICLES LAMINATED!!"
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>
OOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!
------------------
Member of the Branflakes Fan Club
Duct Tape is like the force:It has a light and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
"Kamikaze: You're awful. In a good way."-Branflakes
[This message has been deleted by Kamikaze (deleted February 07, 2002).]
-
Aer Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one night,with
Paddy the Pilot, and Shamus the co-pilot. As they approached Dublin
airport, they looked out the front window.
"B'jeesus" said Paddy" Will ye look at how fookin short dat runway is!
Dis is gonna be one a' de trickiest landings you're ever gonna see!"
"You're not fookin kiddin, Paddy" replied Shamus.
"Right Shamus. When I give de signal, you put de engines in reverse" said
Paddy.
"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus.
"And den ye put de flaps down straight away" said Paddy.
"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus.
"And den ye stamp on dem brakes as hard as ye can" said Paddy.
"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus.
"And den ye pray to de Mother Mary with all a' your soul" said Paddy.
"I be doing dat already" replied Shamus.
So they approached the runway with Paddy and Shamus full of nerves and
sweaty palms.
As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse,
put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with
all of his soul.
Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tyres and lots of smoke,
the plane screeched to a halt centimeters from the end of the runway,
much to the relief of Paddy and Shamus and everyone on board.
As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure,
Paddy looked out the front window and said to Shamus
"Dat has gotta be de shortest fookin runway I have EVER seen in me whole
life".
Shamus looked out the side window and replied "Yeah Paddy, but look how
fookin wide it is!"
------------------
"put the bunny back in the box"
"In god we trust, Every bugger else pay's cash.
I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a f**k.
-
Carpark Accident
A man comes out of a shopping mall to find the side of his parked car rammed in. Seeing a note under the windshield, he reads it. On the paper is written: "As I'm writing this, about a dozen people are watching me. They think I'm giving you my name, phone number, and insurance company. But I'm not ..."
... http://www.smilies.nl/imu2.gif
------------------
It's simple tips like these
That keep you safe from injuries
The surgeon general should do his part:
Warning, beware, be careful - Fragile Heart
Words By Jewel(EDA)
-
All right, guys, I expect some flameage for these ones... they're really bad. But the point is that they are jokes and not to be taken seriously.
What has Superman been eating for breakfast?
Kryptonite, apparently.
What's Superman's new weakness?
Everything.
And this one was one my (white) friend used to tell just to get a reaction in high school:
(insert in the middle of conversation) Yeah, my girlfriend is black...
Well, just her eye, but I'm working on the rest of her.
And this one is to be said in a loud, clear voice in a crowded room, just as a lull begins: "Yeah, so then I decided I'd get my TESTICLES LAMINATED!!"
------------------
Current quotes from FireBird:
"What did you expect? I'm a dickhead!"
FB: "We will get along a lot better as soon as you realize I am God."
Me: "If you're God, then I fear for the next world."
"I always knew Mickey Mouse was the antichrist. Wait, I'm the antichrist. I forgot."
-
http://www.happyhub.com/network/reflex/
Try this it's as annoying as hell.
------------------
"put the bunny back in the box"
"In god we trust, Every bugger else pay's cash.
I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a f**k.
-
yep. That IS annoying...
------------------
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING
MARRIED:
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings,
poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me,
"You're next." They stopped after I started doing
the same thing to them at funerals.
-
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is
galvanised when she hears one of the men say the following:
'Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again
and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.'
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.
"In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi.'
------------------
"put the bunny back in the box"
"In god we trust, Every bugger else pay's cash.
I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a f**k.
-
OLD! OLD! NEW MATERIAL! NEW! http://www.hostboard.com/ubb/tongue.gif
------------------
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING
MARRIED:
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings,
poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me,
"You're next." They stopped after I started doing
the same thing to them at funerals.
-
A train hits a bus load of school girls and they all perish.
>>They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past
>>St. Peter. St. Peter asks first girl, "Karen, have you ever had
>>any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well
>>I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger. St.
>>Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and
>>pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl
>>the same question, "Karina have you ever had any contact with a
>>penis?"
>>The girl is a little reluctant but replies "Well once I fondled and
>>stroked one." St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy
>>Water and pass through the gate." All of a sudden there is a lot of
>>commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the
>>front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter
>>says "Susan! What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies "If I'm
>>going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before
>>Jackie
>>sticks her ass in it!!"
------------------
"put the bunny back in the box"
"In god we trust, Every bugger else pay's cash.
I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a f**k.
-
That's a classic...
------------------
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING
MARRIED:
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings,
poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me,
"You're next." They stopped after I started doing
the same thing to them at funerals.
-
The Reverend John Flapps was a pastor of a small congregation in
a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main
Street and he happened to notice a female member of his
congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend
thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation
should do.
He walked through the door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.
"Mrs Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly, "This is no place for a
member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home ?"
"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs.
Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and
forth. The reverend realised that she had had too much to drink
and he grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both
lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around
for a few seconds, the reverend wound up laying on top of Mrs.
Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The bartender looked
over the bar and said, "Hey buddy, we won't have any of that
carrying on in this bar!" The reverend looked up at the
bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps." The
bartender nodded and said, "Hell if you're that far in, you might as
well
finish her off !"
An Aussie travelers's tale:
An Australian guy goes into a bar in the Greek Islands. Jill, the
Australian barmaid takes his order and notices his Australian accent.
Over the course of the night they talk quite a bit. At the end of the
night
he asks her if she wants to have s*x with him.
Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay Her
$200
for the deed.
Jill is traveling the world and because she is short of funds she
agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again and after showing her plenty of
attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again
for
$200. She figures in for a penny in for a pound - and it was fantastic
the
night before - so she agrees.
This goes on for 5 nights. On the sixth night the guy comes into the
bar.
But this night he orders a beer and just goes and sits in the corner.
Jill
is disappointed and thinks that maybe she should pay him more attention.
She goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he is from and he
tells her Melbourne.
"So am I" she says.
"What suburb in Melbourne?"
"Glen Iris" he says.
"That's amazing" she says, "so am I - what street?"
"Cameo street" he says."
"This is unbelievable" she says, "what number?"
He says "Number 20" and she is astonished.
"You are not going to believe this" she says, "I'm from number 22 and my
parents still live there!"
"I know" he says "your father gave me $1,000 to give you!"
------------------
"put the bunny back in the box"
"In god we trust, Every bugger else pay's cash."
"I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit."
"I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a f**k."
"Why do aliens always abduct stupid people??"
-
Two Irishmen in London whilst looking for work, were strolling down
Oxford Street. After walking for a few minutes, Paddy turns to Murphy
with a look of amazement on his face and says: "Murphy, will you have
a look at that shop over there. I thought that London was supposed to
be expensive but that shop is as cheap as chips!!"
Murphy says: "Paddy you're right so you are, will you have a look at
that. Suits ?10.00, Shirts ?4.00, Trousers ?5.00. I think that we
should buy the lot and take them back to Ireland. We would make a tidy
profit selling them in Dublin so we would."
Paddy says in agreement: "Murphy that is as good an idea as you'll ever
have, but I'm pretty sure that you have to pay taxes and duty on things
like that. The shopkeeper will never let us have them if he thinks that
we're gonna export them and make our fortune, so he won't.".
Murphy thinks and says: "Paddy, I've got idea! You can do the best
English accent out of the pair of us. You go in there and do the
talking
and I'll just stand behind you and say nothing. He'll never guess we're
Irish so he won't."
OK Murphy", agrees Paddy, "I'll do the talking, you just stand there and
look English."
So the two visitors to our illustrious capital city go into the shop,
where Paddy is greeted politely by the owner. Paddy then proceeds to do
his best Phil Mitchell impression;
"Awwwight Guvnor, I'll 'ave 20 of yer 'Whistle 'un Flutes', 20 'Dickie
Dirts' and 20 pairs of strides. And if yer don't mind I'll be paying
with the 380 'Pictures of the Queen' in my 'Sky Rocket'."
Upon hearing this request from Paddy, the owner smiles, takes a look at
Murphy as well then asks Paddy "You're Irish aren't you?"
Quite bemused, Paddy replies, "Oh be'Jasus. Mary mother of Christ, if
that isn't me best English accent. How in God's name did you know that
we were Irish"
The Owner replies. "This is a Dry Cleaners mate".
------------------
"put the bunny back in the box"
"In god we trust, Every bugger else pay's cash."
"I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit."
"I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a f**k."
"Why do aliens always abduct stupid people??"
-
Please note that all Banks are installing new "Drive-thru" cash point
machines. Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving
their vehicles. To enable users to use this new facility the following
procedures have been drawn up. Please read the procedure that applies
to your own circumstances (i.e.MALE or FEMALE) and remember them for
when
you use machine for the first time.
MALE PROCEDURE
1 Drive up to the cash machine.
2 Wind down your car window.
3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt
6 Wind up window
7 Drive off
FEMALE PROCEDURE
1 Drive up to cash machine
2 Reverse back the required amount to align car
window to machine
3 Re-start the stalled engine
4 Wind down the window
5 Find handbag, remove all contents on to
passenger seat to locate card.
6 Turn the radio down
7 Attempt to insert card into machine
8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine
due to its excessive distance from the car
9 Insert card
10 Re-insert card the right way up
11 Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN
written on the inside back page
12 Enter PIN.
13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
14 Enter amount of cash required
15 Check make up in rear view mirror
16 Retrieve cash and receipt
17 Empty handbag again to locate purse and place
cash inside
18 Place receipt in back of cheque book
19 Re-check make-up again
20 Drive forwards 2 meters
21 Reverse back to cash machine
22 Retrieve card
23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and
place card into the slot provided
24 Restart stalled engine and pull off
25 Drive for 2 to 3 miles
26 Release handbrake
------------------
"put the bunny back in the box"
"In god we trust, Every bugger else pay's cash."
"I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit."
"I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a f**k."
"Why do aliens always abduct stupid people??"
-
These useful quotes are from actual British Civil Service Employee
Performance Reviews & Evaluations
* since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom & has started to dig
* the wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead
* I would not allow this employee to breed
* this employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be
* works well when under constant supervision & cornered like a rat in a trap
* when she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet
* he would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle
* this young lady has delusions of adequacy
* he sets low personal standards & then consistently fails to acheive them
* this employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot
* this employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better
* got a full six-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together
* a grosss ignoramus-144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus
* takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes
* he doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier
* I would like to go hunting with him sometime
* he's been working with glue too much
* he would argue with a signpost
* some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled
* he brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room
* when his IQ reaches 50, he should sell
* if you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one
* a photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on
* a prime candidate for natural de-selection
* donated his brain to science before he was done using it
* gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming
* has two brains: the one is lost and the other is out looking for it
* if he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week
* if you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change
* if you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean
* it's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm
* one neuron short of a synapse
[This message has been edited by JaceSan (edited February 22, 2002).]
-
ROTFLMAO!!!!!! http://www.hostboard.com/ubb/biggrin.gif
------------------
Miral's Slave
tyledras's Sidekick
Sanctuary for an Elf
I feel like I'm Han Solo, and you're Chewie, and she's Ben Kenobi, and we're in that fucked-up bar!-Jay
I fart because it's my god given right-My Roomate
-
After living in a remote wilderness all his life, an old codger decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."
He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.
Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.
As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' after."
------------------
those who hear not the music think the dancers mad
she is like a symphony to me
Christine the bean's site
-
LOL, most of these are pretty funny.
*beats up batfreak for ATM joke*
------------------
The ninja lesbian milk getter. aka dorkflakes.
Take the time to feel the wind.
I'm tired of the silent majority. Silence equals death.
"I'm not crazy, I'm just reality challenged" -tyledras
Help Hostboard by using that search engine.
ChatterBox
Bran's Place
-
Never beat the bat !!!!!!!!
>A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son
>playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the
>train stop & her son saying,
>
>"All of you ba5tards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is
>the last stop! And all of you ba5tards who are getting on, get your ass in
>the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
>
>
>The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that kind of
>language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there
>for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train,
>but I want you to use nice language."
>
>
>Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with
>his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say,
>
>
>"All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take
>all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today
>&
>hope your trip was a pleasant one."
>
>
>She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask
>you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no
>smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey
>with us today."
>
>
>
>As the mother began to smile, the child added,
>"For those of you who are pi55ed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see
>the fat b1tch in the kitchen."
------------------
"put the bunny back in the box"
"In god we trust, Every bugger else pay's cash."
"I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit."
"I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a f**k."
"Why do aliens always abduct stupid people??"
-
NEWF JOKE ALERT
Willy and Sam are walking down by the docks one day. Willy says to Sam "Y'see this dock, b'y? Me an' me father, we built this dock plank by plank. Took us two years! But does anyone call me Willy The Dockbuilder? No!"
They continue walking and pass a stone house. Willy stops to look at it and says to Sam, obviously irritated. "Y'see this house here, b'y? Me and me father, we built this house brick by brick. Took us five years! But does anyone call me "Willy The Housebuilder"? No!"
The two continue their stroll until they come to a statue in a park. Willy tugs on Sam's arm and points to the statue. He is quite agigtated by this time. "Would ya take a lookit this statue, b'y? Me an me father, it took us ten years, we built this statue chip by chip. But does anyone call me "Willy The Statue-Builder"? NO! ....
....BUT YOU FUCK ONE GOAT!!!!!!"
------------------
nolite te bastardes carborundorum
-
well, now we know where the Newfie jokes originated ... damn irish ....
http://www.hostboard.com/ubb/tongue.gif
------------------
Amaris ab leporibus.
-
ROFL!
------------------
The ninja lesbian milk getter. aka dorkflakes.
Take the time to feel the wind.
I'm tired of the silent majority. Silence equals death.
"I'm not crazy, I'm just reality challenged" -tyledras
Help Hostboard by using that search engine.
ChatterBox
Bran's Place
-
A couple were in bed, talking when The boyfriend decided to crack a joke. He says to his girlfriend, "if your breasts could give milk, we'd be able to get rid of the cows. And if you could lay eggs, we could get rid of all the chickens."
She looks at him and says
"Well, if you could get it up, we'd be able to fire the pool guy..."
------------------
Thou Shall Not Spilleth Thy Beer
Enforcer for WiloeLeigh
Jely is my other sidekick
Ski and Tyledras are family.
If I'm right then I lose nothing nothing, if you're right I lose it all.
True friends stab you in the front
"You are such a whore."-Tyledras
"People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf."
George Orwell
-
A man was on holiday in the Caribbean and, liking the
warm tropical weather, settled down for a day's
sunbathing. He fell asleep, and after a whole day his
legs became sunburnt beyond belief. He could hardly
stand the pain. He decided to go to the doctor for
treatment.
The doctor looked at his lobster-colored legs and shook
his head. "You must realize that this is only a small
village medical facility," he explained. "I've really
got nothing at all to help you. However, try taking
this just before bedtime..." The doctor have him one
tablet of Viagra.
Puzzled, the man asked, "I've got acute sunburn:
what's a Viagra tablet going to do?"
"Not a thing for the sunburn," the doctor replied,
"but it will keep the sheets off your legs."
------------------
"put the bunny back in the box"
"In god we trust, Every bugger else pay's cash."
"I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit."
"I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a f**k."
"Why do aliens always abduct stupid people??"
-
A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the
bees. "I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting
into tears.
Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.
"Oh Pop," Johnny sobbed, "for me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no
Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're telling me
now that grownups don't really fu*k, I've got nothing left to believe in!"
************************************************** **************************
*********
Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says "Today we are going to
learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?"
Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, miss, me, me!" Teacher says "All right,
little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?"
Little Johnny says "Mas-tur-bate."
Teacher smiles and says "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful." Little
Johnny says "No, miss, you're thinking of a blowjob. I'm talking about a
wank."
************************************************** **************************
*****
Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in
search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks
in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little
Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsey ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"
Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and
seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and
daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.
Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the
milkman usually get bucked off!"
************************************************** **************************
********
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little
girls have babies?" "No," said his Mom, "of course not." Little Johnny then
ran back outside and his Mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we
can play that game again!"
************************************************** **************************
********
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to
go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in
this situation. The correct word to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word
'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little
Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had
bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"
************************************************** **************************
*******
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of
hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my
mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good,
Suzie," replied the teacher.
She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and
it turned out beautifully," he said.
"Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. Last
night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant,
and he said, 'Beautiful, fu*king beautiful!'"
************************************************** **************************
*********
A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his
mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I
need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several
times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he
peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into
his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking
himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
************************************************** **************************
***********
A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth
grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual
innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture.
Finally, toward the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex
education from the class. One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in
her nest with some eggs." "Very good, William," cooed the teacher.
"My mommy had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice," replied the
teacher.
Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation,
the teacher calls on him. "I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone
Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they
all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two
guns."
The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with
sex education, Johnny?"
"It'll teach those Indians not to fu*k with the Lone Ranger."
************************************************** **************************
*********
A Sunday School teacher was concerned that his students might be a little
confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His
birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus
occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class,
"Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know!
He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a
response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few seconds. He
finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. And
Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the
bathroom door, and yells "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!"
************************************************** **************************
*******
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the
teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first.
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven
first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God." The
teacher praises the little girl, as a little boy raised his hand. The little
boy says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about
love."
"Very good," said the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's
hand up. "Oh no," she thought, "I'm not gonna like this. Little Johnny,
which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?" Little Johnny
thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet."
The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first. He
replied, "Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my Mom
had her feet up in the air and she said, 'Oh God, I'm coming!'"
************************************************** **************************
*******
Paddy gets a phone call from Murphy.
"Paddy," says Murphy, "I've got a problem"
"What's the matter?" replies Paddy
"Oi've bought dis jigsaw and it's too hard, none of the pieces fit
together,and I can't find any corners or edges."
"What's the picture of?" asks Paddy
"It's of a great big cockerel," Murphy replies.
"Alroight, Murphy, Oi'll come over and have a look." He gets to Murphy's
house and Murphy opens the door. "Oh tanks for coming Paddy".
He leads Paddy into the kitchen and shows him the jigsaw on the kitchen
table.
Paddy looks at the jigsaw, then turns to Murphy - "For crying out loud
Murphy, put dem cornflakes back in the packet!"
------------------
"put the bunny back in the box"
"In god we trust, Every bugger else pay's cash."
"I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit."
"I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a f**k."
"Why do aliens always abduct stupid people??"
-
I think I lost a few brain cells with that last round...
------------------
May The Bird Of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose
-
An ArMy Lt. Col was adressing his troops before a major field problem when he told them "guys, due to budget cuts, we can't afford blank ammunition. so, in place of that, every time you fire your weapon, you have to shout 'banga banga banga" to simulate the bullets."
One soldier rolled his eyes, and set out to secure his peremiter.
Soon, he sees a lone soldier marching up the field.
"Banga banga banga!!" he yells, but the soldier keeps moving.
"BANGA BANGA BANGA!!!" he screams, but the soldier keeps marching.
Soon, the marching soldier is right on top on the other soldier. "BANG-A BANG-A BANG-A DAMMIT!!! YOU'RE DEAD!" the first soldier shouts.
The marching soldier walks all over the first one, looks down and says "TANK-A TANK-A TANK-A!!!"
------------------
Thou Shall Not Spilleth Thy Beer
Enforcer for WiloeLeigh
Jely is my other sidekick
Ski and Tyledras are family.
If I'm right then I lose nothing nothing, if you're right I lose it all.
True friends stab you in the front
"You are such a whore."-Tyledras
"People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf."
George Orwell
[This message has been edited by Firebird98 (edited March 06, 2002).]
