-
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account!
And if you had a broken disk,
It would hurt when you found out!
Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while!
Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!
Cut- you did with a pocket knife
Paste- you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!
-
Nursery Rhymes
There was a little girl, who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead
And when she was good, she was very very good,
But when she was bad she got a fur coat,
jewels, a sports car......
http://www.hostboard.com/ubb/wink.gif
------------------
The Red Witch
-
THE TOP TEN SIGNS THAT YOUR CO-WORKER IS A COMPUTER HACKER
10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was
$20,000.
9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes three
years running.
8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.
7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
6. Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work.
5. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The
Net"
4. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.
3. Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among
turn-ons
2. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr.
President."
1. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card
now, jerk."
-------------------------------------------------------------
FUNNY THOUGHTS:
"Nobody goes there anymore; it's too crowded."
--Yogi Berra
-------------------------------------------------------------
Quick Wit:
Why do surgeons wear facemasks?
So if they make a mistake, no one will know who did it!
Get your daily dose from Ann Landers, delivered to your email inbox.
America's favorite syndicated advice columnist comes to the Internet!
Subscribe by clicking on the link: mailto:[email protected]
-
When you are sad,...........I will get you drunk and help you plot
revenge against the scum sucking bastard who made you sad.
When you are blue,..........I'll try to dislodge whatever's choking you.
When you smile,.............I'll know you finally got some.
When you are scared,........I will rag you about it every chance I get.
When you are worried,.......I will tell you horrible stories about how
much
worse it could be and to quit whining.
When you are confused,......I will use little words to explain it to
your dumb ass.
When you are sick...........Stay away from me until you're well again, I
don't want whatever you have.
When you fall.............. I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
This is my oath.............I pledge till the end.
Why you may ask?............Because you're my friend.
Send to closest buds, even the ones not speaking to you
right now.
-
http://www.hostboard.com/ubb/eek.gif
> >
> > A woman was working in a post office in California.
> > > One day she licked the envelopes and postage stamps instead
> > > of using a sponge.
> > > That very day the lady cut her tongue on the
> > > envelope.
> > > A week later, she noticed an abnormal swelling of her
> > > tongue. She went to the doctor, and they found nothing wrong.
> > > Her tongue was not sore or anything. A couple of days later
> > > her
> > > tongue started to swell more, and it began to get really sore,
> > > so sore, that
> > > she could not eat.
> > > She went back to the hospital, and demanded
> > > something be done. The doctor, took an x-ray of her
> > > tongue,and noticed a lump. He
> > > prepared her for minor surgery. When the doctor cut
> > > her tongue open,a
> > > live roach crawled out. There were roach
> > > eggs on the seal of the envelope.
> > > The egg was able to hatch inside of her tongue,
> > > because of her saliva.
> > > It was warm and moist...
> > >
> > > This is a true story reported on CNN Andy Hume wrote:
> > > "Hey, I used to work in an
> > > Envelope factory. You wouldn't believe the.....things
> > > that float around in those gum applicator trays. I haven't
> > > licked an envelope for years."
> > >
-
Not so much humorous as fun.
Oracle of Bacon
[This message has been edited by Shadowjack (edited January 24, 2001).]
-
THE AL GORE Virus....
> > (Causes your computer to just keep counting and counting)
> >
> > THE CLINTON Virus....
> > (Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)
> >
> > THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus...
> > (Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)
> >
> > THE LEWINSKY Virus...
> > (Sucks all the memory out of your computer,
> > then emails everyone about what it did)
> >
> > THE RONALD REAGAN Virus....
> > (Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)
> >
> > THE MIKE TYSON Virus....
> > (Quits after two bytes)
> >
> > THE OPRAH WINFREY Virus....
> > (Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then
> > slowly expands to restabilize around 200mb)
> >
> > THE JACK KEVORKIAN virus...
> > (Deletes all old files)
> >
> > THE ELLEN DEGENERES virus...
> > (Disks can no longer be inserted)
> >
> > THE PROZAC virus...
> > (Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care)
> >
> > THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus...
> > (Only attacks minor files)
> >
> > THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus... (Terminates some files, leaves, but
> > will be back)
> >
> > ...and the worst of all...
> >
> > THE LORENA BOBBITT virus... (Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch
> > floppy, then discards it through Windows)
-
For the biggest laugh of all, check out the names on "who's on Line" next time you log in.
-
Literary Laffs Posted 1-23-2001 20:10
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From Reine Hauser comes the results of the Washington Post
Invitational Contest in which readers were asked to combine the works of two authors, and to provide a suitable description of the merged book.
> > > >
"Machiavelli's The Little Prince" - Antoine de Saint-Exupery's classic children's tale as presented by Machiavelli. The whimsy of human nature is embodied in many delightful and intriguing characters, all of whom are executed. (Erik Anderson, Tempe, Ariz.)
> > > >
"Green Eggs and Hamlet" - Would you kill him in his bed? Thrust a dagger through his head? I would not, could not, kill the King. I could not do that evil thing. I would not wed this girl, you see. Now get her to a nunnery.
> > > >
"Where's Walden?" - Alas, the challenge of locating Henry David Thoreau in each richly-detailed drawing loses its appeal when it quickly becomes clear that he is always in the woods. (Sandra Hull, Arlington)
> > > >
"Catch-22 in the Rye" - Holden learns that if you're insane, you'll probably flunk out of prep school, but if you're flunking out of prep school, you're probably not insane. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)
> > > >
"2001: A Space Iliad"- The Hal 9000 computer wages an insane 10-year war against the Greeks after falling victim to the Y2K bug. (Joseph Romm, Washington)
> > > >
"Rikki-Kon-Tiki-Tavi"- Thor Heyerdahl recounts his attempt to prove Rudyard Kipling's theory that the mongoose first came to India on a raft from Polynesia. (David Laughton, Washington)
> > > >
"The Maltese Faulkner" - Is the black bird a tortured symbol of Sam's struggles with race and family? Does it signify his decay of soul along with the soul of the Old South? Is it merely a crow, mocking his attempts to understand? Or is it worth a cool mil? (Thad Humphries, Warrenton)
> > > >
"Jane Eyre Jordan" - Plucky English orphan girl survives hardships to lead the Chicago Bulls to the NBA championship. (Dave Pickering,Bowie)
> > > >
"Looking for Mr. Godot"- A young woman waits for Mr. Right to enter her life. She has a loooong wait. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)
> > > >
"The Scarlet Pimpernel Letter" - An 18th-century English nobleman leads a double life, freeing comely young adulteresses from the prisons of post-Revolution France.
> > > >
"Lorna Dune" - An English farmer, Paul Atreides, falls for the daughter of a notorious rival clan, the Harkonnens, and pursues a career as a giant worm jockey in order to impress her.
> > > >
"The Remains of the Day of the Jackal" - A formal English butler puts his loyalty to his employer above all else, until he is persuaded to join a plot to assassinate Charles deGaulle.
> > > >
"The Invisible Man of La Mancha"- Don Quixote discovers a mysterious elixir which renders him invisible. He proceeds to go on a mad rampage of corruption and terror, attacking innocent people in
the streets and all the while singing "To fight the Invisible Man!" until he is finally stopped by a windmill.
> > > >
"Of Three Blind Mice and Men" - Burgess Meredith has his limbs hacked off by a psychopathic farmer's wife. Did you ever see such a sight in your life?
> > > >
"Planet of the Grapes of Wrath" - Astronaut lands on mysterious planet, only to discover that it is his very own home planet of Earth, which has been taken over by the Joads, a race of dirt-poor corn farmers who miraculously developed rudimentary technology and regained the ability to speak after exposure to
nuclear radiation.
> > > >
"Paradise Lost in Space"- Satan, Moloch, and Belial are sentenced to spend eternity in a flying saucer with a goofy robot, an evil scientist, and two annoying children.
> > > >
"The Exorstentialist" - Camus' psychological thriller about a priest who casts out a demon by convincing it that there's really no purpose to what it's doing.
> > > >
"Big City of Bright Lights" - in which in one swift afternoon, a schoolmarm uncovers the filthy truth about a president who couldn't keep his shorts up.
-
This is very funny!
<a href=http://www.cthulhu.org/jmc/>Cthulhu</a>
-
Bmat, that site's a riot. Being a Lovecraft fan made it especially good.
------------------
Drago Dormiens Nunquam Titillandus
-
It's a toss up for me between Machiavelli's The Little Prince and Green Eggs and Hamlet! Those were cool ShadowJack!
-
The Top 15 Least-Quoted Lines from Shakespeare
15 "There are more things in Heaven and Earth, Horatio -- hey,
donuts!"
14 "Begone, jackanapes -- we have no need for badges reeking of the
waste of
monkeys."
13 "If damned Spot had been put out before nightfall, methinks the floor
would be dry and sweeter fragranced anon."
12 "Address thy discourse to the elbow, for mine hand careth not."
11 "I beg thee, sirrah, gather up thy tongue;
'tis Pat Morita at which you gaze -- not Connie Chung."
10 "What ho, good lord! To what end dost thou employ'st thy time upon
this
goodly planet?"
"Lo; as I partake in observance of this most excellent spectacle of
sport, I
do most heartily raise a vessel of ale and quaff it thus."
"Verily, verily..."
9 "O insolent chad, most feebly attach'd, how thy dimpled visage doth
confound noble intention!"
8 "Come, pull my finger; so that thou may'st see
That silent things may also deadly be."
7 "A wiffle ball hit into Hamlet's crotch is the soul of wit."
6 "A horse! A horse! Of course... of course..."
5 "We are such stuff as dreams are made of
Where thy final exams commence without thy knowledge
And thou lookest down to find thyself bereft of pantaloons."
4 "My deeds would go unpunish'd, but for you,
Ill-mannered meddling kids, and Scooby Doo!"
3 "I have defeated the French at Agincourt this Crispian's Day, and
hence
shall hie me to Disneyworld."
2 "Thou killed my father
To get to my mother,
But here is the ringer:
Thou can bloweth me, Chester --
I'll see thee on 'Springer.'"
and the Number 1 Least-Quoted Line from Shakespeare...
1 "Cry 'havoc,' and let loose the Chihuahuas of inconvenience."
