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OK, boyz! One for the holidays...
I know to the die-hards that a lot of these will be 'old hat,' but i'm anxious 2 c if'n any1 has some new[?] 1's we haven't heard yet, floatin around out dere...
I awreddy left 1 [in the "Abbrev's. in the threads" topic]...
Here's a few more...
Feel free to substitute any of your 'preferred' instrumentalists for the word "musician" in each joke [img]wink.gif[/img] ...
How do u make a musician's [/drumr/gtrst/keybdst/celloist/mandolin/fiddle/etc, whatever] car 'aerodynamically-correct?'
Take the "[your fav pizza joint - here]" sign off the roof...
Hear about the drummer who locked his keys in the car?
It took him about an hour & a 1/2 to get them & the bass player out...
What do u call a professional musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless. [an oldie-but-goodie]
What's the difference between a mandolin/cello/fluglehorn player & a squished frog in the middle of the road?
The frog was on his way to a gig.
How do you get a guitarist to turn down?
Put some sheet music in front of him.
How do you get a keyboardist to turn down?
Take the sheet music away from him.
How do u know when a drummer's at your door?
The knock speeds up. [Or 'slows down,' whichever your current experience [img]wink.gif[/img] ]
Whaddya do when a musician knocks on your door?
Give him the money & take the pizza.
Whaddya call a part-time musician?
An accountant/stockbroker/computer programmer...
Whaddya call a full-time musician?
Behind on the rent.
Whaddya call a young, successful, secure, un-egotistical, non-addicted, un-manic-obsessive-compulsive, non-manipulative, living, rock-star singer?
A fantasy. [Or dead - take your pick.]
What's the most common saying repeated by a musician?
"Would you like those fries super-sized?"
- OR -
"Whaddya mean you're not gonna be able to pay us the full amount that we agreed on..."
Whaddya call "throwin a fiddle/trumpet/mandolin/etc into the toilet without hittin the rim of the bowl?"
Perfect Pitch.
Darn musicians. You can't live WITH 'em, & ya can't shoot 'em [or can you, eh?!]...but u CAN try to take 'em to civil or copyright court.... [img]tongue.gif[/img]
<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ December 30, 2002 11:23 PM: Message edited by: FuseU1 ]</font>
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What did one guitar player say when he met the other guitar player?
"Hi, I'm better than you."
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how do you know when a drummers riser is level?
drool comes out of both sides of his mouth.
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whats the difference between a dead frog on the highway and a dead trombone player on the highway.
the frog was on his way to a gig
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In response to mja's last post:
What'd one drummer say when he met the other drummer?
"[x]Vinnie Colaiuta/[y]Dave Weckl/[z]Virgil Donati's better than [x]Virgil Donati/[y]Dave Weckl/[z]Vinnie Colaiuta...AND you,too".... [img]wink.gif[/img]
[All 3 r WAY better'n me....] [img]eek.gif[/img]
<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ December 23, 2002 09:47 PM: Message edited by: FuseU1 ]</font>
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Good one, Fuse! Very timely given the discussion on certain other threads. [img]wink.gif[/img]
BTW, Fuse, I sent you a reply message thru the HOD forum a few weeks ago (since your direct email was not available).
Yeah, that was a world-record post for you on that other thread: one word...we won't count the "PS" section! [img]wink.gif[/img]
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I "gotchyo e," bro [mja] - [not to be confused w/ Steely Dan's "Gaucho" [img]wink.gif[/img] ]... i'll be e'n u soon....
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whats the difference between a trampoline and a mandolin?
you take your shoes off b4 you jump on a trampoline
why did the guitar player (or drummer) put drumsticks (guitar pix) on his dashboard?
so he could park in the handicapped space.
what do bass solos and premature ejaculation have in common?
you know they are coming and you cant do a damn thing about 'em.
how many bass players does t take to change a litebulb in nashville?
1-5, 1-5, 1-5.
ba-dum ching . . . be here all week, wip your taitresses. two shows on thursday!
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LOL, Doc...
OK; 2 exceptionally corny ones:
Say the punch line to the 1st one in your best/worst southern accent [like a lightbulb changin' Nashville bass-player would; "hwuunn; no, foer; no, faavv; hwwuun-foer-faavv..."]
Knock, knock...
Who's there?
A jazz chord...
A jazz chord, who?
"A jazz chord, to say, I love you..." [Stevie Wonder]
OK! - try to hold back the 'hurlidge' fo' 1 mo' -
Knock, knock...
Who's there?
Sam 'n' Janet...
Sam 'n' Janet who?
"Sam 'n' Janet Evening..." sing it like the song - like it's goin outta STYLLLEEE ["Some Enchanted Evening"...}
OK, i better stop now b4 i stink up the place any further [no icon w/ a smiley 'pinching his own nose'].... [img]tongue.gif[/img]
<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ January 03, 2003 12:41 AM: Message edited by: FuseU1 ]</font>
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a band is about to do their showcase for the big labels.
just before the go on, their manager shows up freaking out
"i just got you a major deal!!!!!!!" "2 million dollar" singing bonus!!!!!!!" " 7 ablum deal, and we're getting 20% off the top instead of 15%!!!!"
well, needless to say the band was ecstatic. but they also had to go on and play....
while they performed the realization of the big deal was sinking in:
the singer was thinking: i can finally buy the car i've always wanted....
the guitar player was thinking: i can finally move out of my girlfreinds house....
the keyboard player was thinking: i can finally afford nuendo....
the bass player was thinking:
AAAA DDDD AAAA EEEE AAAA
CHRIS PERRA
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HA-HA!! Good 1...
Awright...
This is a just a li'l long, but bear with it...
The day finally comes when this successful record exec/A&R guy passes away, & he's greeted at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter, who promptly tells him that there's actually a new 'sweepstakes' goin on there in the prelude to the afterlife; he's allowed to choose whether he would like to go to Heaven, or to hell.
So he says to Peter, "Well, I'm not really sure...any way i can get a glimpse of both b4 mak'g my final decision?" So Peter says OK, & takes him to 2 doors, labeled [oddly enuf] - 1:"glimpse of heaven" & 2:"...hell."
He opens the 1st door & there's all this nice, mellow harp/pno/violin/acoustic gtr [no elec, dalgarnit!!] classical music goin on...& ever1's in nice white robes, blissfully walkin around on whispy white clouds, chatting politely w/ 1 another, & everything; nothing overly spectaclar, just nice & quaint...
He opens the 2nd door, & WHAM! - there's jokes & laughin & carryin on, the drinks r flowin, the food is endless, fine quisine of every ethnic culture, ther's a mega-hot jazz-funk-blues-ska-rock band burnin down the tunes, beautiful women everywhere - it's a huge PAR-TAYYY!!
He shuts the door & Peter asks him which 1 he prefers, to which he replies:
"Heaven was pretty cool, nice & all, kinda peaceful & quiet, but...the other place was just a riot - it looks like it's the most happenin, fun place for all eternity! While I've always thot I'd like to go to Heaven, it def looks like hell is the place to be - so that's my choice!"
Peter replies, "well, allrighty, then - follow me," to which he takes him to an elevator. They go all the way to the bottom, & come to a door which the devil is stand'g outside. The devil pleasantly smiles at the guy [who has a huge ear-to-ear grin on his face himself], opens the door, & the guy walks on in.
All of a sudden he looks around him & sees nothing but canyons of fire & brimstone; lava, smoke & ashes; bones, giant worms, huge vultures; carcasses; feels the extreme heat, & can't hear anyth'g but the wails & moans of the other people there...
He turns around & bangs on the door until it opens & the devil is standing there lookin at him. He starts to plead w/ the devil, telling him that he'd shown him a partyin place w/ lots of fun 4ever, & all - what had happened?!!
To which the devil replies, "It was a nice demo & all, wasn't it; but you're just not quite what we're lookin for, thanx" & slams the door back in his face.... [img]confused.gif[/img] [img]eek.gif[/img] [img]tongue.gif[/img]
<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ January 24, 2003 12:11 PM: Message edited by: FuseU1 ]</font>
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What do you call a guy who hangs around musicians?
A drummer.
What was the last thing the drummer said before he was fired from his band?
"Hey guys, why don't we try a few of my songs now?"
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LOL - Right on, Slax - 4got about those 2...
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Whaddya call a working "wedding-band/special parties/corporate functions" musician?
Any four-or-more-letter explitive will do; just don't call him late for the free booze &/or hors d'oeuvres....
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How does a bass player keep his relationship with his girlfriend together?
By keeping her away from the guitarist, drummer, keyboardist, & ESP the frontman [that goes for band practice, gigs....]
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How did the bass player get back at his sister?
He took her to band practice/gigs/guitarist's/drummer's/keybd's/frontman's house/etc...
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What's the difference between a funeral, & a cello/upright player?
At a funeral, the corpse is INSIDE the casket....
<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ January 03, 2003 01:06 AM: Message edited by: FuseU1 ]</font>
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a corperate shlock band was doing a weekend at a high fallotin resort hotel.
they played the first night.
before they played the second night the band leader decided to have a talk with everyone.....
just to get this straight, when we do "all the things you are" tonight....
after the first bridge we modulate up a half step for 3 bars, then we do a bar of 3/4, and modulate down a third for 4 bars then back again for 4 beats. then we anticipate the phrasing for 5 bars then modulate down 2 tones for 6 beats,. the we are back into the verse. ok? everybody got it?....
the female singer of the band interupts and cries
" what to you mean?!!!! i can't do that are you crazy?"
to that the band leader replied.
" what's the problem?
that's what you did last night wasn't it?"
chris perra
<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ January 03, 2003 12:02 PM: Message edited by: chris perra ]</font>
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What do you call the people who hang out with musicians?
-Drummers
What do you call the people who hang out with drummers?
-Musician's wives and girlfriends!
Mike
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a drummer from india, who started at the age of 3, at long last attained a scholarship too the esteemed berklee college of music.
he did well, completed all the courses and had good grades. eventually he graduated and his student visa expired. he then returned to india...
it did not take him long to start giging and he was very anxious to show off his newfound skills he worked so hard to master.
at the end of the first set on his first gig the band leader aproached him and said.
you have worked hard and it shows, but please if i've said it once i've said 1 thousand times
" just friggin play a simple 24/13!!!!"
"got it!!!!!"
<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ January 17, 2003 03:31 AM: Message edited by: chris perra ]</font>
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Chris-
Good one! I was lucky enough to be able to see Steve Smith on one of the few "East Meets Jazz" gigs a while back. This was Smith, Sandeep Burman on tabla, Howard Levy, Victor Bailey, Jerry Goodman, and a horn player doing some combined Indian and western jazz stuff (They started in August 2001, but cancelled the tour shortly thereafter, due to the 9/11 attacks. In total they probably only did fewer than 10 shows.) Sandeep discussed some of the odd (and I do mean ODD) time signatures used in Indian music, such as "five-and-a-quarter."
Anyways, I probably would not have gotten that joke unless I saw the gig! [img]rolleyes.gif[/img]
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What's the difference between a drummer and a toilet? -The toilet only has to take crap from one person at a time. [img]wink.gif[/img]
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HAHAHA!!! Those were hill-hairy-a**...
Chris - that "female lead singer/All the Things u r" joke - she's whatcha' call a "Jailbird [-style-] singer" - she's always behind a few bars & constantly tryin' to find 'da key[s]....
[img]tongue.gif[/img] [img]rolleyes.gif[/img]
<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ January 18, 2003 11:21 PM: Message edited by: FuseU1 ]</font>
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What's the difference between a musician & a large pizza?...
...the pizza can feed a family of 4...
<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ January 24, 2003 01:26 AM: Message edited by: FuseU1 ]</font>
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what's the difference between a record execs corpse on the side of a road or a dead frogs?
there are skid marks in front of the frogs
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So after lessons one evening, this accordion player stops at the local grocery store on his way home. Thinking that he's only gonna be in there for a few minutes, he leaves his relatively expensive, un-cased instrument laying in the back seat while he goes inside to get some coffee creamer for the following morning.
Upon returning to his car several minutes later, as he's approaching it, he's horrified to discover that one of its back door windows has been completely busted out...running to his car, he peers thru the broken glass, expecting the worst, and...
He sees 2 more accordions laying next to his.... [img]tongue.gif[/img]
<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ January 24, 2003 12:19 PM: Message edited by: FuseU1 ]</font>
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This isn't even a joke:Who demands the attention of the finest groupies of them all???............................US!.......beats. ......sorry 2 be so shallow,but it is true!!!!I met my beautiful wife thru my livlihood.........beats........
