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Go ahead. Just ask. [img]biggrin.gif[/img]
Dear eris:
Recently I got a new cat, but he acts like weird all the time. He doesn't meow, he goes "bow-wow". He slobbers, chews my slippers and doesn't have a clue what the litterbox is for!
What can I do to straighten him out?
Signed:
Soggy Carpets
Dear Eris:
I feel this strange ache on my neck, could the rope they put around it have something to do with this?
<font size="2" face="Comic sans ms, Helvetica, sans-serif">Please give your neighbors back their dog before your cats have a chance to gang up on him and he "accidentally" ends up in the oven.Quote:
Originally posted by 5Cats:
Dear eris:
Recently I got a new cat, but he acts like weird all the time. He doesn't meow, he goes "bow-wow". He slobbers, chews my slippers and doesn't have a clue what the litterbox is for!
What can I do to straighten him out?
Signed:
Soggy Carpets
<font size="2" face="Comic sans ms, Helvetica, sans-serif">You've obviously just been sleeping wrong. Try using a different pillow. And don't take that rope off, how else are they going to lead you around? Trust me, the ring in the nose option isn't as cool as it sounds.Quote:
Originally posted by 3peanuts:
Dear Eris:
I feel this strange ache on my neck, could the rope they put around it have something to do with this?
Dear eris:
I shot the guy in the apartment across from me with a paintball gun. Now his roomates are threatening to sue - apparently I got blue paint all over their freshly laundered curtains. Is this tax-deductable?
<font size="2" face="Comic sans ms, Helvetica, sans-serif">The cost of the paintball gun and pellets should definately be tax deductable, because you purchased them with the sole intent of improving your neighborhood, and have in fact, used them for that express purpose. The pending, and laughable, lawsuit will provide the necessary paper trail to prove that the items where intended to be, and are used solely in a charitable fashion.Quote:
Originally posted by Jadian:
Dear eris:
I shot the guy in the apartment across from me with a paintball gun. Now his roomates are threatening to sue - apparently I got blue paint all over their freshly laundered curtains. Is this tax-deductable?
<font size="2" face="Comic sans ms, Helvetica, sans-serif">Probably the best way to break down this barrier is to make sure you french kiss after acheiving orgasm in her mouth. This display of trust, affection, and complete lack of regard for gender-orientation concerns will help her break her barriers.Quote:
Originally posted by crazy a:
Dear Eris,
My spouse doesn't want to kiss me after I perform oral sex on her because she considers it lesbian-like. How do I convince her differently?
Puzzled in NC
Also... you might want to point out that you find it appealing that she finds her own body appealing and fulfilling.
[img]biggrin.gif[/img]
Dear Eris,
My spouse doesn't want to kiss me after I perform oral sex on her because she considers it lesbian-like. How do I convince her differently?
Puzzled in NC
Dear Eris,
In a fit of anger at the person who nicked my stuff I decided to curse them. I got a Witchcraft For Dummies Book from the library and followed the instructions. Unfortunately during the ritual sacrifice it got a bit messy. Do you have any good tips on how to get Goat's blood out of carpet because my mum's gonna kill me.
Also I think I did something wrong as I seem to acquired a 40ft dragon in my backyard and its starting to look a bit hungrily at the neighbours. Do you know anyone or a humane society that would like to adopt a 40ft dragon?
Roasted Roses [img]graemlins/wilted.gif[/img]
<font size="2" face="Comic sans ms, Helvetica, sans-serif">Use seltzer water on the carpet. If that doesn't work, buy a nice throw rug. And send the dragon to me. I'll set him up here at the hotel as the Royal Suite, and offer him as an upgrade to those "picky" guests that my supes spend too much time trying to appease.Quote:
Originally posted by Chaos Butterfly:
Dear Eris,
In a fit of anger at the person who nicked my stuff I decided to curse them. I got a Witchcraft For Dummies Book from the library and followed the instructions. Unfortunately during the ritual sacrifice it got a bit messy. Do you have any good tips on how to get Goat's blood out of carpet because my mum's gonna kill me.
Also I think I did something wrong as I seem to acquired a 40ft dragon in my backyard and its starting to look a bit hungrily at the neighbours. Do you know anyone or a humane society that would like to adopt a 40ft dragon?
Roasted Roses [img]graemlins/wilted.gif[/img]
Dear Eris,
Recently, I was advised by someone (I won't mention this famous excelsior EIC by name) that the best way to protect my good comics, especially the DC books, would be to freezedry them - does this sound like a good idea to you?
Befuddled Zombie.
<font size="2" face="Comic sans ms, Helvetica, sans-serif">He's absolutely right. Pop those puppies in the freezedryer. Except for any Vertigo titles. Those are made with a specially treated paper that crumbles when freezedried.Quote:
Originally posted by Derico:
Dear Eris,
Recently, I was advised by someone (I won't mention this famous excelsior EIC by name) that the best way to protect my good comics, especially the DC books, would be to freezedry them - does this sound like a good idea to you?
Befuddled Zombie.
And hey, if it doesn't work, well, all you're out is some icky Superman comics, anyway. EXCELSIOR!
(why The Man keeps babbling on about packing material is beyond even my limitless understanding)
Dear Eris,
My neighbor is an unfit man in his mid-forties who insists on walking around the house in very tight leopard print thongs. This is a really disgusting habit that I wish he would stop. Its interfering with the enjoyment I usually get from my hobby of watching the neighbors with binoculars. How can I get him to stop so I can go back to spying on my neighbors without feeling nausious?
<font size="2" face="Comic sans ms, Helvetica, sans-serif">Borrow Jadian's new paint gun. Problem solved. And, as I pointed out earlier, tax deductable, as well.Quote:
Originally posted by Gem F:
Dear Eris,
My neighbor is an unfit man in his mid-forties who insists on walking around the house in very tight leopard print thongs. This is a really disgusting habit that I wish he would stop. Its interfering with the enjoyment I usually get from my hobby of watching the neighbors with binoculars. How can I get him to stop so I can go back to spying on my neighbors without feeling nausious?
Should I aim for the thong?
<font size="2" face="Comic sans ms, Helvetica, sans-serif">Hey! None of this wound them and let them run around hurt stuff! Take one clean shot at the brain. A shot on either cheek should get him.Quote:
Originally posted by Gem F:
Should I aim for the thong?
Gtcha! Thanks. [img]smile.gif[/img]
(and sorry about that capital "e" thing. I forgot.)
Eris-
Why did I ruin my own credit as a foolish young thing? Is there hope for me yet?
Will I ever own my own house or will my future children be playing hopscotch on busy streets and sleeping in the livingroom of a one bedroom apt?
signed-
Cramped in California
<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ July 28, 2003 09:04 PM: Message edited by: Lulu ]</font>
Dear eris,
Why do I let Jely taunt me? is this normal? and if not how do I fix it?
thanks
-Confused about Canadians
dear eris,
why do i let myself taunt ski?? is this normal? and if not, how do i fix it?
-just a little unwell in canada
<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ July 28, 2003 09:32 PM: Message edited by: Jessykat ]</font>
Dear, eris?
Are people really taking this seriously???
Dear eris-
Are there really 27 Jaxoms?
If so, what happened to the first 26? Why and how did we wind up with this one?
Lulu
[img]graemlins/angel.gif[/img]
<font size="2" face="Comic sans ms, Helvetica, sans-serif">Dear Cramped:Quote:
Originally posted by Lulu:
Eris-
Why did I ruin my own credit as a foolish young thing? Is there hope for me yet?
Will I ever own my own house or will my future children be playing hopscotch on busy streets and sleeping in the livingroom of a one bedroom apt?
signed-
Cramped in California
Have you considered Calcutta? If you can avoid looking the beggers in the eye, you and your children can live like kings.
<font size="2" face="Comic sans ms, Helvetica, sans-serif">Quote:
Originally posted by Ski:
Dear eris,
Why do I let Jely taunt me? is this normal? and if not how do I fix it?
thanks
-Confused about Canadians
<font size="2" face="Comic sans ms, Helvetica, sans-serif">Would the two of you just get a room and work this out already? For heavens's sakes, there are people out there who really need my advise.Quote:
Originally posted by Jessykat:
dear eris,
why do i let myself taunt ski?? is this normal? and if not, how do i fix it?
-just a little unwell in canada
Of course, there is the alternative of "fixing." So tell you what, let me know if you want me to hook you up with a nice room or a good vet.
<font size="2" face="Comic sans ms, Helvetica, sans-serif">Babe, I'm as serious a pro wrestling.Quote:
Originally posted by Jaxom_27:
Dear, eris?
Are people really taking this seriously???
<font size="2" face="Comic sans ms, Helvetica, sans-serif">Actually, Lulu, it's not #27, it's #627. The first 600 however... well, nobody talks about them, that's why 601-627 are the only acknowledged ones, so for simplicity they just use the last two digits. #26 was last seen at large in Hawaii. He was actually much more attractive and useful than the last version, which is the one we got. Needless to say, by the time they *got* to ours, well... let's just say funding had started running dry. And since the pounds wouldn't take #27 in, and no one in their right mind would adopt him, we got him really *really* cheaply.Quote:
Originally posted by Lulu:
Dear eris-
Are there really 27 Jaxoms?
If so, what happened to the first 26? Why and how did we wind up with this one?
Lulu
Dear eris,
A couple of days ago the university security told me they are taking my parking spot away until September, but I still have to pay for it during those months to "hold my spot" for fall.
How do I kill them?
<font size="2" face="Comic sans ms, Helvetica, sans-serif">Very carefully. Are you in good with the maintenance staff? Cause odds are, security has done something to piss off maintenance. Not only do those guys know all the good places to hide bodies, but they probably have an ax to grind anyway.Quote:
Originally posted by Gem F:
Dear eris,
A couple of days ago the university security told me they are taking my parking spot away until September, but I still have to pay for it during those months to "hold my spot" for fall.
How do I kill them?
Good idea! And our office shares the main office building with the facilities management. Good call! [img]smile.gif[/img]
Always trust eris.
[img]wink.gif[/img]
Dear eris,
My post count has always been 2500 ahead of yours. I've noticed lately, though, that you are now less than 2000 behind me. How can I fix this?
--Concerned Posting Queen
<font size="2" face="Comic sans ms, Helvetica, sans-serif">MWAHAHAHAHAH....Quote:
Originally posted by Branflakes:
Dear eris,
My post count has always been 2500 ahead of yours. I've noticed lately, though, that you are now less than 2000 behind me. How can I fix this?
--Concerned Posting Queen
I mean, it is? I never notice these things. I wouldn't worry about it. There's more important things than a post count.
Dear eris,
I'm concerned regarding your most recent advice. I believe you are trying to trick me so that you can take over the title of "Posting Queen", just like you've taken over moderating the STP board from Jaxom_27. I also believe you've secretly replaced Jaxom_27 with known eris supporter Jaxom_18.
Please advise.
--Even More Concerned Posting Queen
Dear eris
While the real Jaxom_27 doesn't seem to mind being gagged and bound in my bedroom, he is starting to seriously deplete my beer supplies. What do you recommend?
- timid lackey
<font size="2" face="Comic sans ms, Helvetica, sans-serif">You're obviously paranoid and delusional. I recommend you commit yourself to a good mental health facility immediately.Quote:
Originally posted by Branflakes:
Dear eris,
I'm concerned regarding your most recent advice. I believe you are trying to trick me so that you can take over the title of "Posting Queen", just like you've taken over moderating the STP board from Jaxom_27. I also believe you've secretly replaced Jaxom_27 with known eris supporter Jaxom_18.
Please advise.
--Even More Concerned Posting Queen
<font size="2" face="Comic sans ms, Helvetica, sans-serif">You're fired.Quote:
Originally posted by Jadian:
Dear eris
While the real Jaxom_27 doesn't seem to mind being gagged and bound in my bedroom, he is starting to seriously deplete my beer supplies. What do you recommend?
- timid lackey
Dear eris,
My therapist doesn't think I belong in a mental institute just yet. She advises that said moderator I am concerned about is the truly paranoid one.
Whom should I believe?
--Still Concerned And Possibly Plotting Posting Queen
<font size="2" face="Comic sans ms, Helvetica, sans-serif">This is what you get for going to Dial-a-Therapist. Don't worry, I've taken steps to insure your safety and well being. There should be a knock on your door soon.Quote:
Originally posted by Branflakes:
Dear eris,
My therapist doesn't think I belong in a mental institute just yet. She advises that said moderator I am concerned about is the truly paranoid one.
Whom should I believe?
--Still Concerned And Possibly Plotting Posting Queen
Dear eris
I've decided to become a therapist but my first patient seems to have run into you before. Should I worry about copyright infringement here?
- former timid lackey