Argument Clinic

haha i love readin these, bravo again

well.. don't thank me, they're other people's feathers, i just posted them here [img]smile.gif[/img]

this is my fav part:

Quote:

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Mr Vibrating: Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position.
Man: Yes, but that's not just saying 'No it isn't.'
Mr Vibrating: Yes it is!
Man: No it isn't!
Man: Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of any statement the other person makes.
(short pause)
Mr Vibrating: No it isn't.

---

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Receptionist: Yes, sir?
Man: I'd like to have an argument, please.
Receptionist: Certainly sir. Have you been here before?
Man: No, I haven't, this is my first time.
Receptionist: I see. Well, do you want to have just one argument, or were you thinking of taking a course?
Man: Well, what is the cost?
Receptionist: Well, It's one pound for a five minute argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten.
Man: Well, I think it would be best if I perhaps started off with just the one and then see how it goes.
Receptionist: Fine. Well, I'll see who's free at the moment.
Receptionist: Mr. DeBakey's free, but he's a little bit conciliatory. Ahh yes, Try Mr. Barnard; room 12.
Man: Thank you.

(Walks down the hall. Opens door.)
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Mr Barnard: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Man: Well, I was told outside that...
Mr Barnard: Don't give me that, you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings!
Man: What?

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Mr Barnard: Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type really makes me puke, you vacuous, coffee-nosed, maloderous, pervert!!!
Man: Look, I CAME HERE FOR AN ARGUMENT, I'm not going to just stand...!!
Mr Barnard: OH, oh I'm sorry, but this is abuse.
Man: Oh, I see, well, that explains it.
Mr Barnard: Ah yes, you want room 12A, Just along the corridor.

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Man: Oh, Thank you very much. Sorry.
Mr Barnard: Not at all.
Man: Thank you.
Mr Barnard: (Under his breath) Stupid git!!

(Man walks down the corridor)
Man: (Knock)
Mr Vibrating: Come in.
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Man: Ah, Is this the right room for an argument?
Mr Vibrating: I told you once.
Man: No you haven't.
Mr Vibrating: Yes I have.
Man: When?
Mr Vibrating: Just now.
Man: No you didn't.
Mr Vibrating: Yes I did.
Man: You didn't
Mr Vibrating: I did!
Man: You didn't!
Mr Vibrating: I'm telling you I did!
Man: You did not!!
Mr Vibrating: Oh, I'm sorry, just one moment. Is this a five minute argument or the full half hour?
Man: Oh, just the five minutes.
Mr Vibrating: Ah, thank you. Anyway, I did.
Man: You most certainly did not.
Mr Vibrating: Look, let's get this thing clear; I quite definitely told you.
Man: No you did not.
Mr Vibrating: Yes I did.
Man: No you didn't.
Mr Vibrating: Yes I did.
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Man: No you didn't.
Mr Vibrating: Yes I did.
Man: No you didn't.
Mr Vibrating: Yes I did.
Man: You didn't.
Mr Vibrating: Did.
Man: Oh look, this isn't an argument.
Mr Vibrating: Yes it is.
Man: No it isn't. It's just contradiction.
Mr Vibrating: No it isn't.
Man: It is!
Mr Vibrating: It is not.

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Man: Look, you just contradicted me.
Mr Vibrating: I did not.
Man: Oh you did!!
Mr Vibrating: No, no, no.
Man: You did just then.
Mr Vibrating: Nonsense!
Man: Oh, this is futile!
Mr Vibrating: No it isn't.
Man: I came here for a good argument.
Mr Vibrating: No you didn't; no, you came here for an argument.
Man: An argument isn't just contradiction.
Mr Vibrating: It can be.
Man: No it can't. An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition.
Mr Vibrating: No it isn't.
Man: Yes it is! It's not just contradiction.
Mr Vibrating: Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position.
Man: Yes, but that's not just saying 'No it isn't.'
Mr Vibrating: Yes it is!
Man: No it isn't!
Man: Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of any statement the other person makes.
(short pause)
Mr Vibrating: No it isn't.
Man: It is.
Mr Vibrating: Not at all.
Man: Now look.
Mr Vibrating: (Rings bell) Good Morning.
Man: What?
Mr Vibrating: That's it. Good morning.
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Man: I was just getting interested.
Mr Vibrating: Sorry, the five minutes is up.
Man: That was never five minutes!
Mr Vibrating: I'm afraid it was.
Man: It wasn't.
(Pause)
Mr Vibrating: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue anymore.
Man: What?!
Mr Vibrating: If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes.
Man: Yes, but that was never five minutes, just now. Oh come on!
Mr Vibrating: (Hums)
Man: Look, this is ridiculous.
Mr Vibrating: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid!
Man: Oh, all right.
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(pays money)
Mr Vibrating: Thank you. (short pause)
Man: Well?
Mr Vibrating: Well what?
Man: That wasn't really five minutes, just now.
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Mr Vibrating: I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid.
Man: I just paid!
Mr Vibrating: No you didn't.
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Man: I DID!
Mr Vibrating: No you didn't.
Man: Look, I don't want to argue about that.
Mr Vibrating: Well, you didn't pay.
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Man: Aha. If I didn't pay, why are you arguing? I got you!
Mr Vibrating: No you haven't.
Man: Yes I have. If you're arguing, I must have paid.
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Mr Vibrating: Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.
Man: Oh I've had enough of this.
Mr Vibrating: No you haven't.
Man: Oh Shut up.
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(Man walks down the stairs. Opens door.)
Man: I want to complain.
Complainer: You want to complain! Look at these shoes. I've only had them three weeks and the heels are worn right through.
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Man: No, I want to complain about...
Complainer: If you complain nothing happens, you might as well not bother.
Man: Oh!
Complainer: Oh my back hurts, it's not a very fine day and I'm sick and tired of this office.

(Man slams door. walks down corridor, opens next door.)
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Man: Hello, I want to... (Spreaders hits man on the head) Ooooh!
Spreaders: No, no, no. Hold your head like this, then go Waaah. Try it again. (He hits him again.)
Man: Uuuwwhh!!
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Spreaders: Better, Better, but Waah, Waah! Put your hand there.
Man: No.
Spreaders: Now.. (He hits him)
Man: Waaaaah!!!
Spreaders: Good, Good! That's it.
Man: Stop hitting me!!
Spreaders: What?
Man: Stop hitting me!!
Spreaders: Stop hitting you?
Man: Yes!
Spreaders: Why did you come in here then?
Man: I wanted to complain.
Spreaders: Oh no, that's next door. It's being-hit-on-the-head lessons in here.
Man: What a stupid concept.
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Detective Inspector Fox enters.
Fox: Right. Hold it there.
Man and Spreaders: What?
Fox: Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Inspector Fox of the Light Entertainment Police, Comedy Division, Special Flying Squad.
Man and Spreaders: Flying Fox of the Yard?
Fox: Shut up! (He hits the Man with a truncheon.)
Man: Ooooh!
Spreaders: No, no, no! 'Waagh'!
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Fox: And you! (He hits Spreaders)
Spreaders: Waagh!
Fox: He's good! You could learn a thing or two from him. Right, now you two me old beauties, you are nicked.
Man: What for?
Fox: I'm charging you two under Section 21 of the Strange Sketch Act.
Man: The what?
Fox: You are hereby charged that you did wilfully take part in a strange sketch, that is, a skit, spoof or humorous vignette of an unconventional nature with intent to cause grievous mental confusion to the Great British Public.(to camera) Evening all.
Spreaders: It's a fair cop.
Fox: And you tosh. (He hits Man)
Man: WAAAGH!
Fox: That's excellent! Right, come on down the Yard.

Another Inspector arrives.
Inspector: Hold it. Hold it. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Inspector Thompson's Gazelle of the Programme Planning Police, Light Entertainment Division, Special Flying Squad.
Fox: Flying Thompson's Gazelle of the Yard?

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Inspector: Shut up! (hits him)
Fox: Waaagh!
Spreaders: He's good.
Inspector: Shut up! (hits Spreaders)
Spreaders: Oooh!
Man: Rotten. (he gets hit) WAAGH!
Inspector: Good! Now, I'm arresting this entire show on three counts: one, acts of self-conscious behavior contrary to the 'Not in front of the children' Act; two, always saying 'It's so and so of the Yard' every time the fuzz arrives; and three, and this is the cruncher, offenses against the 'Getting out of sketches without using a proper punchline' Act; four, namely, simply ending every bleeding sketch by just having a policeman come in and... wait a minute.

Another policeman enters.
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Policeman: Hold it. (puts his hand on Inspector Thompson's Gazelle's shoulder)
Inspector: It's a fair cop.

A large, hairy hand appears through the door and claps the policeman on the shoulder.

Caption: 'THE END'