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So I'm having lunch with my good friend Katie (obligatory Katie story: she was once a member of a nationally recognized alterna-rock band for one week and turned down an offer to stay longer because she was happier as an elementary school teacher! All of which instantly ups her integrity and sagacity quotient geometrically as far as I'm concerned!) -- and as usually happens when I get together with friends who knew me when I was happily married, we start talking about the separation/impending divorce.
I guess I'll stop here and explain that I'm in the process of getting divorced/dissoluted or whatever it is -- currently separated from the mother of my 2-year-old son. Keep in mind that this is the woman who said over and over when we were married, "I'm a child of divorce, dear husband, and I know what it's like. So if we ever have marriage problems, we should do therapy and whatever else we need to do to get back on track. And divorce should only be the last, most drastic resort after we've exhausted every other possibility. And unless one of us gets violent or starts taking drugs, we should live together for a while even after we've decided to divorce just to make sure it's the right thing for us. Oh and also, my dad cheated on my mom, and I know how terrible that is, so I can't even imagine cheating on you!"
And then she cheated on me and moved out.
Now to be honest, I'm simplifying things a bit. There are a couple of other issues (one important one being that I either want a wife who is faithful or a wife who wants to have more children -- and my wife doesn't seem to be either of those things), and I'm not saying the ex is a truly rotten person. But all of the above is true (though maybe a little slanted in a Hank Williams ballady-type way).
Anyway, Katie says to me that this whole thing took her completely by surprise. She's known me since before I met A.L.J. (those are her initials, not some cryptic acronym that stands for a derisive nickname -- but if anyone's got any suggestions for such an acronym, I'm listening...), and she's known us both as a couple for years. She always thought A.L.J. was a stand-up person in a relationship and never once thought of us as potential members of the Liz Taylor Club.
And then there's Val, who's also known me and A.L.J. for as long (maybe longer) than Katie has. And one night over beers at the Southern Belle, she tells me that she was amazed we even made it to the altar (me and A.L.J., not me and Val -- although now she tells me that her husband refers to me as "your [i.e. Val's] backup husband," which is totally out of left-field as far as I'm concerned, but also irrelevant to the topic at hand, which we'll get back to right now). And she's even more amazed I was able to make it last five years with A.L.J. and that she took it so far as to produce a child!
Now understand that Katie is wise, and so is Val. Granted, Katie is a bit of a megalomaniac and gets drunk on the sound of her own voice (forgiveable, of course, because she is aware of this and still a fun person to be with), and Val is addicted to being pregnant (four children, and now she's thinking of being a surrogate -- but you wouldn't think so to look at her). But both are pretty good judges of character and here they are with completely different takes on A.L.J. and our relationship. And here I am. Eight months ago, I would've trusted A.L.J. with my life. Now I wouldn't trust her with a bag of mustard-flavored pretzels (which I don't even like very much).
So that's the long and the short of it, and I'm convinced now that nobody really knows anyone else. The worst part is that I'm discovering now that the person I married didn't really exist. She crafted a personality to fit with the person she was involved with. I know this because the guy who introduced us watched her do it for me (I never knew her before we got together) just as he watched her do it for the person she was with before me. And over the past year, I watched her do it for the person she's with now.
It sucks. And it sucks all the time.
But on the plus side, I had sex with a stripper and never saw her again! Couldn't have done that if I were still married!
take care
---jones()
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jones, you are so one of a kind, don't ever change bud!
*hugs*
Sorry to hear you are going thru this. My roomate's brother is going thru a divorce that we all saw coming, except him, it sucks.
There is one person in life I would say I know well. We went thru hell together and have seen each other at our lowest of lows. Many times unfortunately. But nomatter how well I know anyone and how well they know me, there are secrets, things I will never tell anyone. I'm sure everyone probably has those in their heart of hearts.
And when we look at someone else, we project a certain amount of ourself on them. Hence the two wildly different assessments of A.L.J.
But man, that sucks, and I am sorry to hear it.
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*big hugs*
i definitely know the feeling of realizing no one really knows eachother.
its very odd, a girl I've been very close friends with for many years can call me on things i don't even realise I'm doing until she points it out. I take a look to see if she's right, and more often than not she is. And yet for the last year she's been constantly angry with me because she thinks i'm doing things to avoid her because I don't like her. No idea where she gets these ideas.
I think the members of my family know me very well, and a couple of my friends, but on the whole, I'd agree with you. There is only so far you can really know a person. Some people you think you know and never know at all, and others you can get to know pretty well.
I'm sorry to hear about the problems with your wife though. *hugs*
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Damn, jones, but it sucks. I wish there was something uplifting or encouraging I could say. The best thing I can come up with is: don't make the strippers a habit.
And personally, in my opinion, we all spend so much time in our own heads, it's amazing we can even talk to one another. Truly knowing each other is something superhuman that only a few of us get.
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Hey jones, sorry to hear about the separation/ divorce thing. If it's any consolation, I am jealous about the stripper though. It's gonna be difficult because of Oakley, but I'm sure you'll figure things out. Christ, five years is a pretty long time if you ask me. I realize you didn't. I thought I'd found someone to settle down with earlier this year, but I managed to fuck that up pretty well. It wasn't completely my fault, but I thought we had some potential.
That's gotten me to thinking about whether or not some people are even meant to be "with" someone. I thought I was perfectly content going to school, working, and keeping out of trouble. Then I started seeing her and realized how much I missed having a girlfriend. Relationships are fucking hard. You have to work at them constantly and there aren't any instruction booklets that tell you how to maintain them. If I had difficulty solving a physics problem I'd look in the back of the book for the correct answer.
It sucks because life doesn't have all the answers at the back of the book.
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Log me in as also jealous about the stripper.
I wouldn't be too upset about not knowing your ex the way you thought. 20/20 hindsight is a wonderful thing but your friends might be over-indulging. Saying "I never thought you'd last" is easy, after the fact. Not that your friends couldn't have had an inkling - but I wouldn't let yourself think you didn't know your ex at all, that she was a totally made up person. I'm sure a lot of it was crafted - it always is - but I'd have a hard time believing your marriage wasn't real.
*hugs*
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I heard some "marriage expert" say on tv once that couples should try staying married seven years before divorcing. *shrugs*
I can really relate to Val's "addiction" to pregnancy. Christy is exactly the same way. She also looked into being a surrogate mother and almost had one lined up. I had to tell her right off the bat that if she carried another couple's baby, there wasn't gonna be any damn drama about whose baby it was come delivery time, I was gonna stand right there and hand the baby off myself if need be.
Anyway....it's only after a person lives with/marries another person that trouble starts. Relationships are exciting in the beginning because it's all new. After you move in together, then the little things start coming out. No one snores like a bum except the person you're married to.
Five years is a pretty good run. I've been in it for 11 years somehow. Well, actually I DO know how, but I'm not gonna get into it HERE.
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Sorry to hear about your impending divorce, jones. Of course, you could always write a brilliant novel that's translated into thirty languages and makes you a millionaire and one of the most influential people on the planet, and THEN she'd be sorry. Oh yes.
Or that might just be a typical schoolboy reaction to being dumped.
Either way, it must be a difficult time for you, and I'm sorry for that. But well done on the stripper.
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Frankly, very few of us even know ourselves.
And what we do know, we often try to hide.
Sorry about the divorce, Jones. You'll be ok in the long run. There are good relationships out there for you. In the meantime, don't forget the person who loves you the most and will always need you in their life- youf kid.
Lulu
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You say you stand by your man
Tell me something I don't understand
You said you love me and that's a fact
And then you left me, said you felt trapped
Well some things you can explain away
But the heartache's in me till this day
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Sorry to hear about the divorce. Makes one rethink trust, when someone you love turns into a stranger. I don't have any advice (though Ersby's sounds like a good one), just well wishes for you.
A.L.J. = Anti Lovable Jinx?
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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size=2 face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><table border="0" width="90%" bgcolor="#333333" cellspacing="1" cellpadding="0"><tr><td width="100%"><table border="0" width="100%" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="2" bgcolor="#FF9900"><tr><td width="100%" bgcolor="#DDDDDD"><font size=2 face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Originally posted by erisesoteric:
And personally, in my opinion, we all spend so much time in our own heads, it's amazing we can even talk to one another. Truly knowing each other is something superhuman that only a few of us get.</font></td></tr></table></td></tr></table></BLOCKQUOTE>
I have to echo this statement. I live in my head so much, I'm amazed I notice what's going on around me. (And many times, I don't). But I also agree with others here that you can't think you didn't know your wife at all. Friends do say what they want afterward, and mostly its just a way of making you feel better, depending on what each of them thought you wanted to hear. Not entirely I'm sure, but I bet there's an element of truth to that.
And the stripper story was hilarious. You really should give some serious thought to writing. You can weave words very well.
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Yeah jones, you should do some more writing.
Gem, follow the link in jones' sig. He's an excellent writer.
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Absolutely, jones. More writing!
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Sorry to hear all of that Jones. Well apart from the stripper thingy of course. Take care.
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Thanks for all the support. It is much appreciated.
Just one thing I wanted to comment on:
<BLOCKQUOTE><font size=2 face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><table border="0" width="90%" bgcolor="#333333" cellspacing="1" cellpadding="0"><tr><td width="100%"><table border="0" width="100%" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="2" bgcolor="#FF9900"><tr><td width="100%" bgcolor="#DDDDDD"><font size=2 face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Anyway....it's only after a person lives with/marries another person that trouble starts. Relationships are exciting in the beginning because it's all new. After you move in together, then the little things start coming out. No one snores like a bum except the person you're married to.</font></td></tr></table></td></tr></table></BLOCKQUOTE>
We lived together for five years before we were married (ironically, our total time living together outside of marriage was longer than the time we spent married by three or four months). In our case, the real problems came after Oakley was born. She more or less dropped out after that -- still living here but not really being here. It's not that she was a bad mother or didn't take care of Oakley, just that the two of us never spent any time together after that. It was either (1) she was here taking care of him and talking on the phone at the same time, or (2) I was here taking care of him and she was out. And when I would point this out, I was dumb enough to accept the, "Don't you want me to have a life of my own?" turnaround defense. If I'm ever in this kind of situation again (HA!), at least now I know to recognize that for bullsh-t it truly is.
Anyway, that's how it went for a year and a half until she moved out. She still takes care of him (and does a good job of it) at her place most of the time, but pretty much only when it's her turn. For example, this weekend she went out of town with friends, and I took Oakley for four straight days and nights (though I had to give him up for a few hours to his grandmother because I had to see a doctor about the exploding muscle cramps I woke up with on Sunday morning). There was never any question but that I would take him for the extra days while she was gone. But if I were to go away for the same amount of time, I would either have to take Oakley with me (which, actually, I'm planning to do when I go on vacation later this month) or make arrangements for him to be with his grandparents for one or two of those days. There's just no way she could be with him for four days straight.
Well, this has basically devolved into me bitching about my ex-wife now, so I'll wrap it up. Two more things:
(1) Bran, you've definitely a talent for descriptive acronyms. There should be some kind of prize, but I don't know what it would be.
(2) Jace et al, you might want to glance at the Works & Days site if you get the chance. I've got an announcement up there about future chapters.
take care
---jones()
Works & Days
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See, and I thought that suggestion sucked. I was just hoping it would inspire other ideas.
Glad to hear she does a good job with Oakley.
take care yourself, jones. You'll come through all this just fine.
And Gem, check out jones' writing. He is an incredible writer.
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I know I was looking at that stuff for the first time and I was impressed. I was also wondering why the hell I didn't click on the link sooner, I've been missing out!
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Sorry to bring an old post up but I wanna offer my condolences to this guy, who is in the first and formemost a great guy though I've only seen him once. But I am sorry to hear all that jones.
Yet another reminder why I shouldn't get married, then again, I haven't met the one woman who could talk me into it.
(Check spelling on the side? Hmmm interesting....)
