Joke a Day

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Yesterday I came back to my office from Court. There was a new secretary (a very attractive blonde) in the office down the hall from me.She flagged me down and asked for help. "My floppy drive won't work, can you help me ?" she asked. I told her I'd take a look and proceeded over to her machine,where I found shredded up clear plastic Baggie-like stuff hanging out of her 3.5" floppy drive.While I spent the next 20 minutes getting out her disk and digging out the plastic, I noticed two guys, John and Dave, in the hall trying awfully hard to keep
straight faces. Suspecting some mischief, I asked her how the plastic got into the drive."Oh, you mean the condom!", she said. "Condom???", I asked. "Yes, John & Dave over there told me to always put a condom on my disk before inserting it, to prevent catching viruses."
By this point, John & Dave were roaring, and it was all I could do to keep from joining them. The "condom" turned out to be a standard 3.5" plastic sleeve. I delicately explained to her that a practical joke had been played, and she shouldn't do that anymore, when she asked (as serious as one could be), "Does that mean I don't have to stroke it ten times or blow on it either???"

<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ July 02, 2004 05:47 AM: Message edited by: Cowboy83 ]</font>

Top 10 Actual E-mail Addresses:
Many colleges and business's tend to strip the last name down to 6 characters and add the first and last initial to either the beginning or end to make up an E-Mail address. For example, Mary L. Ferguson = mlfergus or fergusml. They are just now beginning to realize the problems that may happen when you have a large and diverse pool of people to choose from. Add to that a large database of company / college acronyms and you have some very funny addresses. Probably not funny to the individual involved, however:
10. Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) -
[email protected]
9. Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University) -
[email protected]
8. George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.) -
[email protected]
7. Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of
Pennsylvania) -
[email protected]
6. Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University) [email protected]
5. Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home Decorating) -
[email protected]
4. Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University) -
[email protected]
3. Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University) [email protected]
2. Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division, Overton Canada) - [email protected]
1. Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys "R" Us) -
[email protected]

The top 10 E-mails is really funny. Iam still laughing and smiling.

pete

some of 'em are nawtttttttteeeeee baby*giggles n steals a kiss as i run out......nekkid.....softly whisperin*.........


come to bed baby

Father & Son:
Over heard at drug store last week. Standing near the check out stand, a teenager spotted a display of condoms:
"Hey Dad, what's a three pack for?" remarks the
teenager.
"Those are for the weekend. Two for Friday night, and one for Saturday" remarked the father.
"Then Dad, what's a six pack for?"
"That's when she moves in to your pad. Two for Friday night, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday".
"Then Dad, what's a twelve pack for?"
"That's for when your married. One for January, one for February, one for......."

Square Balls:
A little old lady entered the main branch of a large downtown bank with a large grocery bag in her arms. She told the teller that she wanted to open an account to make a substantial deposit, in excess of $200,000. Further, she said that since such a large sum was involved, she would deal only with the president of the bank to make the necessary arrangements.
The teller looked in the bag and confirmed that it was, in fact, full of cash. He called upstairs and explained the situation to the bank president, who agreed to see the woman. The teller escorted her to the presidents office, and the president invited her to have a seat, which she accepted.
She repeated her request to open an account. The
president said he would take care of it personally, but his curiosity was killing him. He said, "Mind if I ask how you happened to come into such a large sum of cash?"
"Not at all," was her reply. "I bet."
"You bet?" he countered. "At the racetrack, or on
professional sports, or in casinos...?"
"Nothing like that," she said. "I just ... bet. For example, I'll bet you $50,000 that by tomorrow morning your balls will be square."
The president chuckled but, seeing that the lady had the funds to back up such a wild bet, agreed. They shook hands on it, and she promised to return at nine the next morning to follow up, and left.
As the day wore on, the president found himself
frequently checking to make sure that all was in order.
It was, but just as a precaution he cancelled his
regular Tuesday afternoon golf match and went home
early.
The next morning when he showered, he was actually
quite relieved to find that nothing had changed
drastically while he slept. He confidently headed for the bank, laughing all the way at the unexpected windfall that was about to become his.
The little old lady showed up promptly at the appointed hour, accompanied by a young man. When the president asked who he was, she replied that he was her lawyer,who she always brought along when payoffs involving significant sums were involved.
The president told her that sorry, she had lost that particular bet, so the funds would be outgoing rather than incoming. She insisted on examining the evidence for herself, considering the amount at stake. He deemed it a reasonable request under the circumstances, so hestood up, unbuckled his belt and dropped his pants. She
proceeded to closely inspect his jewels for any
abnormalities. As she did, the president noticed that her lawyer was standing in the corner, banging his head against the wall.
He asked the lady, "What's the matter with him?"
She paused her inspection long enough to glance at the lawyer and replied, "Oh, him. I bet him $250,000 that before ten A.M. today I'd have the president of the bank by the balls."

Hey Pete, I am going to try to put at least one joke a day up on here just to bring a little humor into people's lives, you're welcome, see you around, The Cowboy

Cowboy , Thank you for the last two jokes. They were funny and great. Iam looking forward to more jokes.


pete

JUST TO MAKE YOU SMILE...
What is the Iraqi air force motto?
I came, I saw, Iran.
Have you heard about the new Iraqi air force exercise program?
Each morning you raise your hands above your head and leave them there.
What's the five-day forecast for Baghdad? Two days.
What do Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common?
They both have Kurds in their way.
What is the best Iraqi job?
Foreign ambassador.
Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
You only have to teach them to take off.
How do you play Iraqi bingo?
B-52 ... F-16 ... B-1... B-2
What is Iraq's national bird?
Duck.
What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?
They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from!
Why does the Iraqi navy have glass bottom boats?
So they can see their air force.

This one is mainly for the ladies but its funny anyway..........
The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?" The Cowboy says "Well it's like this Sheriff.... was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her...so I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt...so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants....so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to! pull off my shorts...so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy..."
"And, here I am."
BLONDE MEN DO EXIST

Subject: "You Know You're a Redneck When... 2003 Edition!"
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
3. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
4. You think the Nutcracker is something you do off the high dive.
5. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
6. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
8. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
9. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
10. Your grandmother has Ammo on her Christmas list.
11. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
12. Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.
13. You have used a rag for a gas cap.
14. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
15. You wonder how service stations keep their rest rooms so clean.
16. You can spit without opening your mouth.
17. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
18. You have a complete set of salad bowls, and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
19. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
20. Your working TV sits on top of your non working TV.
21. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
22. You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
23. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.
24. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvement.
25. You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
26. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty

Very good jokes. Iam laughing while posting this reply.

pete

The Iraqi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where he meets Colin Powell. They shake hands and, after a brief chat about world affairs, the Iraqi says, "I have a question that I think perhaps you can answer." The Iraqi ambassador continues, "My son watches this show, 'Star Trek,' and in it there are Russians, Blacks and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek." Colin Powell chuckles, leans toward the Iraqi and whispers, "It's because it takes place in the future...."

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Fathers business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was
God.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a
Californian:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all---3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. And even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work to do.
Amen!!!

Thanks Cowboy. That was a great joke.


pete

Speeding?

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps opens the clutch purse and
examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up
the owner.
Woman: 'Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.

*giggles softly n POSTS because you were just bitchin*L* ab out people NOT postin regularily however the FUCK thats spelled*L*....on this thread......now do whatcha gotta do n getcher ass to bed yanno we're gonna be up earlier than normal as Boo is here*

A good way to find out if your daughter is having sex...........
Little Johnny was 7 years old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about 'courting' from the older boys, and he
wondered what it was and how it was done.
One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered.
Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the
curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend.
This he did. The following morning, Johnny described EVERYTHING to his
mother.
"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he started kissing
and hugging her I figured 'Sis must be getting sick because her face started
looking funny.
He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to
feel her heart, just the way the doctor would.
Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble
finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both
of them started panting and getting all out of breath.
His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt. About
this time 'Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and
slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I
knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot.
Finally, I found out what was making them so sick -- a big eel had gotten
inside his pants somehow.
It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long,
honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.
When Sis saw it, she got really scared -- her eyes got big, and her mouth
fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that.
She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the
ones down at the lake by our house!
Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All
of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a
muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from
biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a
scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel.
The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her
boyfriend almost upset the couch.
I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. Her
boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel.
I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were
hanging out.
Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went
back to courting anyway.
He started hugging and kissing her again.
By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight
again. I guess eels are like cats -- they have nine lives or something.
This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about
a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead,
because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the
toilet.

This is so funny!!!
If you're over the age of 21 you will enjoy this..When I was a kid adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious
diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what
with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both
ways through year 'round blizards carrying their younger siblings on
their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a
straight-A average despite their full-time after-school job at the
local textile
mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their
family from starving to death!
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way
in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about
how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
But....
Now that I've reached the ripe old age of twenty-nine, I can't help
but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so
fuckin' easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a
goddamned Utopia!
And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good
you've got it.
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet--we wanted to
know
something, we had to go to the goddamned library and look it up
ourselves!
And there was no email! We had to actually write somebody a
letter--with a pen!--and then you had to walk all the way across the
street and put it in the fuckin' mailbox and it would take like a
week to get there!
And there were no MP3s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you
had to go to the goddamned record store and shoplift it yourself! Or
we had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd
usually talk over the begining and fuck it all up!
You want to hear about hardship?
You couldn't just download porn! You had to bribe some homeless dude
to buy you a copy of "Hustler" at the 7-11! It was either that or
jackoff to the lingere section of the JC Penney catalog!Those were
your options!
We didn't have fancy shit like Call Waiting! If you were on the
phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal!
And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the the phone
rang, you had no idea who it was it could be your boss, your mom, a
collections agent, your drug dealer, you didn't know!!! You just had
to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
And we didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation videogames with
high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like
"Space
Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked ass! Your guy was
a little square! You had to use your imagination! And there were no
multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you
could never win, the game just kept getting harder and faster until
you
died!
Just like LIFE!
When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium
seating! All the seats were the same height! A tall guy sat in front
of you, you were screwed!
And sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like
20
channels and there was no onscreen menu! You had to use a little
book called a TV Guide to find out what was on!
And there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on
Saturday morning... ...D'ya hear what the fuck I'm saying!?! We had
to wait ALL WEEK, you spoiled little bastards! That's exactly what
I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're
spoiled, I swear to God! You guys wouldn't last five minutes back in
1974!

Ok honey I'm on my way to bed right now, I'm just very glad I've got my coffe for in the morning*L* talk to y'all later, The Cowboy

*L* baby you be NUTZ!!!!!!

I recieved this from a woman, can you tell?

This is an oldie but goodie and bears repeating (for you guys!)
How to Shower Like a Woman
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minute until red.
9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair.
11. Shave armpits and legs.
12. Turn off shower.
13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.
16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Wash your face
6. Wash your armpits.
7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.
9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
11. Shampoo your hair.
12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pee.
14. Rinse off and get out of shower.
15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.
17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife,pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo woo' sound again.
19. Throw wet towel on bed.

STRIKE ACTION
Strike Action
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following
reasons:
* I do physical labour.
* I work at great depths.
* I plunge head first into everything I do.
* I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
* I work in a damp environment.
* I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
* I work in high temperatures.
* My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
The Response
Dear Penis;
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised,
the administration rejects your request for the following reasons;
* You do not work 8 hours straight.
* You fall asleep after brief work periods.
* You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
* You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
* You do not take initiative, you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
* You leave your workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
* You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
* You will retire well before you are 65.
* You are unable to work double shifts.
* You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
* And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.


Sincerely,
The Management

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

The long term implications of drugs or medical procedures must be fully considered. Over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research. It is believed that by the year 2030 there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections who can't remember what to do with them.