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A group of chess enthusiats checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."...*slinking away*
ok waht is a enthusiats ...going to the dick tion aery now cuz I fill stooopid!!!
AHH HAA
Zealot???
1. a person who is filled with enthusiasm for some principle, pursuit, etc.; a person of ardent zeal: a sports enthusiast.
2. a religious visionary or fanatic.
?Synonyms 1. zealot, devotee, fan.
fergit the spelng...its a goke dern yer hyde....
ROTF!!!!!!!!!
*lol*
Hiya mum!!! Great to see you here*s
Cherry_Pie! Yer gonna be a Granny? Your too young to be a granny...and that ain't a joke. [img]biggrin.gif[/img]
Thank you Roger!!!*vbs
I am soooooooooooooo happy 'bout it and actually I can't wait*lol
I managed to be a young mother and now I get the gift of being a young grandmother, too*VBS
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices the very
handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask
you, but I don't want to offend you"
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear
just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or
ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that! Number one,
you have to be single, and number two, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!
"OK," the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker
blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me, but I have sinned. I lied and I must confess: I'm married
and I'm Jewish." !
The nun says, "That's OK My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween
party!!"
I read this one somewhere before but its still funny as hell*LOL
Sally was driving home from one of her business
Trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly
Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped
The car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like
A ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into
The car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make
A bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old
Woman just sat silently, looking intently at
Everything she saw, studying every little detail,
Until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to
Sally.
"What's in bag ?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's
A bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or
Two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder,
She said:
"Good trade....."
Cheers*lol
Dear Wife,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be sleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move
KEEP READING.......
================================================== ===
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't come with energy
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the motion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching TV
Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
ROTF!!!
A stranger was seated next to a young lady on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, ?Let?s
talk. I?ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.?
The lady, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, ?What would you like to
talk about?
?Oh, I don?t know?,
said the stranger. ?How about nuclear power??
?OK,? she said. ?That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a
deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and
a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is??
The stranger thinks about it and says, ?Hmmm, I have no idea,?
To which the little girl replies, ?Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don?t know
shit??
hahahahha..still laughing about the clean sheets...that really hit me hahahaha..WHAT..they have to be dirty first hahahahaha...
*lol
*ROFLMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I apologize for the vulgar punch line on this joke in advance... [img]redface.gif[/img]
_________________________________________________
At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day!
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.
They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,
"Do you want to go up or down?"
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat!
When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.
They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.
He again asked the lady, "Up or down ?"
There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.
This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day!
She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in the
river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down ?"
The woman replied, "Down."
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, "Up or down ?"
She replied, "Up."
This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"
She replied,?Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were fuck or drown."
Technical Update
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants. The iTit will cost $499 or $599 depending on size. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
[img]biggrin.gif[/img]
rotf
ha, I needed a good laugh! Thanks rog
Susanne, Ihr L?cheln ist unbezahlbar, Ich hoffe, da? Sie fortfahren, zu l?cheln mein Freund
[img]biggrin.gif[/img]
Those were Great Rog!!!
A young blonde female stock broker was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps a MG convertible.
That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored
and she fell in love with it's gorgeous red paint job. An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong?
At that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.
"That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter?" "Well, it just conked out I'm afraid."
"Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.
"Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?" "Simple really, just shit in the carburetor," he replied.
Looking shocked she asked, "Oh, OK... How many times a week do I have to do that?"
gotta love those blond jokes, keeping in mind that I was born a blond*lol
Me Too! [img]biggrin.gif[/img]
*lol
Generous lawyer
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the
Line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the
Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell
You which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press,
Nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the
Beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.< BR>
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term
Memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up... Our operators are too
Busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie
Down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.
This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your
Part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you
Care.
I contacted YOU, so my job is done
*lol*
thanks for contacting me*L
You are welcome Susanne, I hope you know I ment it with love [img]graemlins/rose.gif[/img]
Have a great day...and try to spread a smile.
rog
No worries Rog, I know how ya meant it*s
Have a nice weekend!!!
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according tolights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror--make mental note?must do more sit-ups.
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth,leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
7. Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red.
9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair (you must make sure that it has all come off).
11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
12. Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
13. Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit, tweeze hairs.
17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
18. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then sashay to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo-woo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror and scratch your ass.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
6. Wash your face.
7. Wash your armpits.
8. Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse it off.
9. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
10. Majority of time is spent washing your privates and surrounding area.
11. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs on the soap bar.
12. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
13. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
14. Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror again.
15. Pee (in the shower).
16. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.
17. Partially dry off.
18. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size again.
19. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
20. Leave bathroom fan and light on.
21. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, shake wiener at her, and make the "woo-woo" sound again.
22. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed again.
too true eh?*lmao
ROTFLMAO!!!!!!...that was just too funny and too true...
'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself, 'when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be.
And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum.'
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he
spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's centerfold.
'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered, 'He's gonna be a politician!'
*LMAO
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'
He slams the door and returns to bed.
'Who was that?' asked his wife.
'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.
'Did you help him?' she asks.
'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'
'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'
'Yes,' comes back the answer.
'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.
'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.
'Where are you?' asks the husband.
'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.
Hahaha