My new script

Here is something I'm hoping to go into prep for pretty soon. Let me know what you think about it.

What worked? What didn't? Did you like the characters etc.? Same old really.

THIS ECSTATICALLY HAPPY EXISTENCE

INT/EXT. BEDROOM - DAY
Behind net curtains and glass, rain drops gently on to the window sill. Water droplets run playfully down the glass. The world outside is a blur.

INT. BEDROOM - DAY
A dishevelled young girl, ABIGAIL (20), sits on a small stool by the window. Her eye make-up has run down her cheeks.

She sits motionless, gazing at the grey and dismal world outside. People hurry along, splashing in puddles as they go, covering their heads with whatever they could find when they stepped off the tube.

On the tatty pink carpet an oval MIRROR lies smashed. The broken image of a recently occupied, unmade bed is reflected in it.

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT
Entangled, glistening bodies writhe around on golden sheets. Flashes of lips touching flesh, muscles tensing.

He, muscular and defined, runs his fingers through Abigail?s long, dark hair. The panting intensifies.

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT
Almost in slow motion, a mirror falls to the floor, SMASHING as it lands.

INT. DOCTOR?S WAITING ROOM - DAY
Two YOUNG CHILDREN play-fight on the plastic chairs. Their MOTHER tells them off and sits them still.

Again, the children begin to bicker.
Interrupted from her magazine, their mother has to tell them off again.

Abigail has been watching and smiles at the kids. They smile back.

<center>NURSE (O.S.)
Abigail?</center>

Shifting her glance away from the children, Abigail nods and stands.

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT
Cries of ecstasy as the writhing bodies reach a synchronous climax.

CAMERON, (23), with short cropped hair and sporting little else, rolls off Abigail and settles into the bed. They both smile.

Abigail gazes up at Cameron adoringly and cuddles up to him. He takes a spliff from a side table and lights it.

Cameron glances at Abigail, their eyes meet and are locked together.

INT. TOP DECK OF BUS - DAY
Abigail sits alone. Motionless, expressionless. She clasps a knitted bag tight to her chest.

INT. DOCTOR?S SURGERY - DAY
Abigail sits across from a handsome DOCTOR in his early 30?s. Her fidgeting hands betray her calmness.

<center>DOCTOR
The test came back negative, Abigail,
(Beat)
but they did pick up something else.</center>

INT. HOUSE - DAY
The front door opens and in rushes Abigail. She drops her bag and runs through the hall to the

BATHROOM
The second she gets inside, she vomits violently into the wash basin.

Her energy sapped she wipes spit from her mouth and starts both taps running. She sinks into the corner of the bathroom, shattered.

INT. DOCTOR?S SURGERY
The Doctor talks but the words are muffled, mispronounced, garbled. His mouth moves, his eyes express his words.

But nothing can be heard.

INT. DOCTOR?S WAITING ROOM - DAY
Abigail comes running out of the doctor?s room, the Doctor hesitantly appearing after, beckoning her back.

In her hurry, Abigail knocks over a rack of leaflets sending them sprawling across the floor.

The Mother and Young Children look on.

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT
Cameron lies on the bed with his eyes closed, Abigail resting her head on his chest.

<center>CAMERON
(Opening his eyes)
I fucking love you, Abi.</center>

Abigail sits up in bed and faces Cameron.

<center>ABIGAIL
I love you too.</center>

She hugs him tightly and goes back to resting on his chest.

INT. BEDROOM - DAY
Abigail sits at her dressing table. Hair and make-up products cover almost the entire surface.

She looks into an ornate oval MIRROR.

She stares, almost through herself, eyes scanning, examining every contour of her skin. Her lips, her eyes, her nose, her forehead.

Suddenly, she grabs the mirror from the table and hurls it to the floor.

INT. DOCTOR?S SURGERY - DAY
This time the Doctor is not muffled, his speech is crystal clear.

<center>DOCTOR
..they Did pick up something else.</center>

Abigail looks at him blankly.

<center>DOCTOR
Abigail, you?re HIV positive.</center>

FADE TO BLACK.

FADE IN:

EXT. STREET - DAY
Frog Wellington boots SPLASH up and down in a large puddle.

Rain pours down but the LITTLE GIRL in the boots and yellow sowester doesn?t care. She?s having fun.

INT. BEDROOM - DAY
Abigail sits on the small stool watching the Little Girl outside.

Tears start to form around her eyes.

FADE OUT.

***********

It's not completely there yet. I am going to add a longer dialogue scene between Abigail and Cameron to show how in love they are and to round out the characters more.

Critique away.

Andy

<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ January 09, 2004 06:10 PM: Message edited by: andyblaa ]</font>

Im gonna attempt to do my "thing" here...

2(or more) POSITIVE REMARKS
1. well written
2. easy to follow

2 (or more)CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM REMARKS
1. pretty basic & routine, lacks depth and conflict, it's like a base for a story - without a story

2. without the elegant description, which may be too much, there isnt much jumping off the page

3. melodramatic and manipulative

Ok, I'll go along with the civilised criticism.

2 (or more) POSITIVES:
Well written.
The structure worked well. The flow was there.
Less is always more. Too much can spoil the rythm.

2 NEGATIVES:
Surface value. It didn't really touch on the story. It felt more like an ad campaign against unprotected sex than anything else.
It needs to delve deeper. But I don't think it will be able to.

<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ January 09, 2004 07:23 PM: Message edited by: ac_01 ]</font>

I will award:

61%

(My new percentage rating system rules.)

2 or more positive:


liked the chronology of it (just seen following which does it so well too)

liked the use of children in the scenes

script was nicely detailed, gave me a real impression of how it would look (according to me at least, but who cares about that!)


2 or more constructive:

i'd agree that it seemed to lack something, the revelation that she was HIV positive wasn't a surprise. (i don't know how this could be changed though)

but again it could be one of those governments adverts about sexual disease, just more 'arty'

looks promising though

when it started with the girl being upset i thought oh no not another brooding artist trying to make some dark movie about something depressing... but the more i read on the more i was pleasently suprised that you had avioded that clishe.

I really like the character of the girl, i thought she was cute, for the simple reason she is called Abigail lol. Ive always liked that name!

I liked the way the time was all over the place, i thought that worked very well, and assuming you get the editing done i think that will be the bet part of this movie. Really injecting the same disorintated going over of the events our cute girl must be going through.

Im trying to think of some criticism since thats probably more important than telling you what you got right but im having a hard time putting my finger on things. I think the script can definately be improved, but without sitting down and thinking about it i couldnt say how. Nothing jumps out as being an imediate improvement.

Having read through it a second time the start of the movie is the bit that bothers me enough to be able to comment on it. This isnt a very good criticism i know... but in describing it or perhaps simply the way its filmed i think you need to introduce things without it being the 'stares at a wall, dishevled make up person who is obviously brooding something terrible', becos like ive said it plays up to the wanky film school clishe i cant stand.

I agree with window-washer above me in that the HIV thing was obvious before it was even spoken. But i never got the impression it was intended as a twist or a shock, its simply fragmented becos her mind is all over the place. I think a twist in a movie like this would be really cheesy and bad, i cant imagine it ever working. I think the emphasis should be on showing her inner conflict in some sylistic way (eek now who sounds wanky!) rather than go big for a big ending, so perhaps go the to the other extreme... instead of going for any ending of such perhaps you should try to build up the layers more theres loads of endings dotting all the way through the movie. I hope that means something to you becos it makes no sense whatso ever in my mind!

Thanks for the comments, guys, good or bad. They are all really helpful.

GWE, I see your point about it being melodramtic and manipulative, I agree it needs to be parred down more. I was hoping for naturalism but I did go slightly over the top with some scenes. BelovedMonster also made a similar point about the wanky artist feeling at the start. I'll definately look into this.

I also agree with the point about it seeming somewhat like an advert. This is something I'm very conscious of. I will use this as part of a showreel to get jobs directing adverts so it needs to show I can do that compressed time thing, setting up a story in a short space of time. I think this script does that.

Another thing about the 'shock' of finding out she's HIV positive is that in an earlier draft it wasn't as clear that the doctor was saying she wasn't pregnant which may have made the ending slightly more surprising. I do want there to be some sort of mild surprise for the reader.

Anyway, thanks again. Keep them coming.

I'm not in love with this civilised criticism lark. Say as many bad things as you like, and you don't need to sugarcoat them with 2 trite positive remarks.

Thanks
Andy

Its good I got a pretty clear image in my head what it would look like as i read it.

One thing i was wondering though was where did Abigail get HIV from. Was it her partener, did she cheat on him or did he cheat on her. I don't know if you want to deal with this or not as it might disrupt the flow, but it might be interesting to allude to it in some way. It could add more depth to their relationship and raise more questions.

It was very visual. Don't really think you even need to add dialogue to let us know they're in love. In fact, I always dislike it when people tell each other they love each other. The only time when people do that in real life, is a)few seconds before the orgasm or b) few seconds after.

Anyways, I don't see a point in your structure. It's all over the place, and doesn't give an impact whatsoever. What are you trying to do? What emotions are you trying to give us? As I said, right now, it feels like a video clip. That's not a bad thing, but there's just visual things all thrown into 4 minutes. So it seems.

The visual thing is good though. It would be a challenge letting the audience know she has aids without the words, eh?

Remember, writing shorts is like writing poems. Find the right line for each scene in your poem, and you've got your structure.

Really, the 'i love you'. Cut it out. Make them say something: "I wonder what our kids are gonna look like." "Ugly, probably." Now, doesn't that show much more depth? I'm being serious here. I've just made that up. I'm pretty good, arent I?

Nice and easy to follow. I'd certainly watch it.

Quote:

---

I'm not in love with this civilised criticism lark. Say as many bad things as you like, and you don't need to sugarcoat them with 2 trite positive remarks.

---

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">I actually agree. I guess I just suggested that cause sometimes reading all the bickering is sometimes entertaining, but also kinda silly. I was tryin to be a nice guy. [img]eek.gif[/img]

I think it would be great if ths place was the one place everyone could turn to to get a dose of reality - no bullshit.

But I'll still post positve comments if something really stands out.

Very good...
But it reminds me too much of the scottish health board ads for safe sex. Its almost exactly like one of them.
As an after though, it would benefit from being shot as a b/w silent film. just an idea.

More great comments, thanks.

Firstly, It won't be shot as a black and white silent film. The last film I made was black and white and I want more of a challenge in the grading at least this time. I don't think it would work as well, it would give us more of a sense of detachment than the colour for this particular story.

Emjen, I don't agree with your point about the narrative having no reason to jump around. Like someone earlier picked up on, it's to show the alternating frantic/calm state of mind she is in at the time.

As I said before, I agree about the advert feel but it was something I had in the back of my mind when I was writing it.

GWE, I appreciate you trying to be a nice guy. A few years ago I would have definately wanted the positive stuff but I'm more comfortble with my own ability now. Thanks anyway, I should said in my first post that all criticism is welcome.

Andy

I liked the script. I started reading, and although I could guess the result in the doctors surgery, I was still ompelled to read it through.

The ending, however, did come to an anti-climax. I felt you built up the story well enough to get the point across, then just trailed off the ending.

I can see it as an advert for safe sex, and if this is the route you are going with this, you may be able to get lots of help with funding (think sponsors I.e. Durex, Mates, Ect) as well as air play (Every TV channel has to play a minimum amount of government-funded adverts / health and safety messages - these are called Fillers), so if you aim at this market, it may be nice to get into.

But you will need to work on the ending, as well as the message you are protraying.

(Is it Drugs and Sex mean Death)?!

Rich.

It's not really anything to do with the drugs actually, that was something I just threw in to add to the youth feel. It's just for a little bit of character really, it will go with the next re-write.

The theme really is relationships, how you can feel so safe and in love with someone then for your world to come crashing down.

It was something I was thinking about, getting sponsorship, and it's something I'll definately look into.

I quite like the ending actually, it starts where it began, this time we know why she is crying. The little girl splashing about is a very important part of the story, because it's essentially her looking at what she'll probably never have.

Thanks for the comments.

Andy